40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Well, i wish i'd found this forum before i left the UK, but i was so engrossed in actually getting to Oz that the immigration forum became my second home.

Anyway, that was then, this is now............and basically, within 2 weeks of getting here i'd realised i'd made a massive mistake. My OH and friends think i'm mad, apparently everyone goes through the emotions i'm feeling i'm told, which i could accept if it was just me, but i've got 2 teenage kids who hate it and want to go back. Apparently my negative attitude has made my kids feel the way they do, bullsh*t, they're young adults in their own right and they know they had a good life filled with lovely friends in the UK, which they haven't got here. We could give it time, we could waste a few years, and then we'd be back to square one, but this time it'll be harder to get my kids back on track with their education.

Going back is right for me and the kids - it's just heartbreaking that my OH doesn't want to come back - I've now booked flights for me and the girls and we'll be leaving on the 28th December. I'm not sure what the future holds - (unemployment and no money seems highly likely), but i'm just hoping that once the kids get back, they'll become the happy confident kids they were before we got here and i'll be able to forgive myself for putting us all through this nightmare.

I was wondering whether anyone could give me advise about what i could claim when i get back if i can't find work? Does being out of the country for less than 12 weeks mean i'll have to take the Habitual test? Will the equity from the house sale that we brought to Oz and am now gonna have to share with my OH, mean i can't get help? (it's not much, just a few thousand).

I don't relish the thought of applying for benefits, i've paid into the system for 26 years and never claimed a penny apart from child benefit, but i guess if i've got no other choice then that's what i'll have to do, even if it means swallowing my pride.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Hi Mary

So sorry to read about your marriage breakdown. Its one of those sad results of this harrowing experience for some.

I know you said you would only be left with a few thousand so my advice would be to use it very wisely. I am presuming you will have nowhere to live, so first off I would use some of it to secure yourself a rental property. If your kids are still dependant, check up on the housing benefit website how much money you would be entitled to each month towards the cost of your rent. It all depends on how many dependant kids you have. When you know the figure look for places that fall inside this amount so that when you do claim your rent will be covered.
Anything else you have left i would use to buy furniture, a car, and any of the other basics you need to restart your life back in the UK.

I very much doubt that you would need to do a habitual residency test after only 12 weeks, but BristolUK is the person to tell you. Even if you do have to, it is not that big a deal. I had to do it earlier this year. it is a 3 page form asking basic information and why you have come back. Just go in there and tell them the truth.

Best of luck with it all. It wont be an easy time, but if you are sure you need to do this then so be it.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Good luck Mary

Remember most of us arrived unemployed and will return unemployed
There are a few threads re benefits
It would be wise to check them out before you go back.
I think many end up staying for some of the reasons you mention

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

What a nightmare. I thought my situation was tough but your's is worse by a long way.

Still though, I agree with you that if you muck around by staying here longer, you'll probably only be wasting time and believe me it does get much harder as time goes on. The only possible benefit would be that you might be able to save more money to go back with.

If you feel really need to go back now rather than later then you'll find a way to make it work.

Do you have any family in UK who can help you out in any way? Maybe with short term accommodation or assisting you to find a job?

Good luck!

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that your family is being split by moving here - that is so sad. Is there no way he will realize that this just isnt for you and take the noble route and support the rest of his family?

I wish you all the best getting on your feet once you are back home - but you know that there you will have all the support from "your" folk, the ones that you have come to know and love over the years. With luck he will realize what a pr*t he has become and what he has lost in the process.

All the best!

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

poor you I feel so sorry for you especially as i felt the same when i moved to nz 2 years ago. What area are you from? we could maybe email each other. I am returning to uk at xmas and other half staying to sell our flat. We have lost so much money but at least you have have tried, so keep your chin up there is a reason for everything. pm if you want to chat more. Life will get better.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Is there any way you could tough it out a bit longer? Leaving everything in the UK is like a bereavement. It takes at least 2 years to acclimatise to everything. I understand how you feel totally, my son aged 19 at the time sank into a massive depression when he first came here but after 4 months he met someone and now he wouldn't dream of moving back to the UK.
I myself had several major dramas and crises but having been here 5 years, I am remarried to the most wonderful partner, he and I have launched a company, I've reinvented myself and retrained in a new career, I have a fantastic business doing what I love, I've gone from nothing to being very comfortable and I have learned so much about myself having been through some extremely difficult and testing times.
I still miss the UK and I miss my friends but I wouldn't go back there to nothing. I stuck it out here and got back on my feet first after really nasty divorce.

If you go back to England with no money, relying on benefits, a broken relationship, no job and two confused teenagers, it's going to be hard indeed and worse still, it's going to be incredibly hard to climb up from that position especially as the UK is economically tough already.

What is it that you find so hard about being here? Maybe we can all help.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Normally I would agree with the folk who say hang on a bit longer if you can but given the ages of your kids I think you are probably making a wise decision here. If you hang on then your kids would be disadvantaged if the end result was that you wanted to go home in a couple of years or so - they would struggle to complete schooling and get into uni and would also have to pay international student fees. The point of no return when you have teens is a darn sight quicker than if you are footloose and fancy free unfortunately.

If you get your kids through school and are of a mind to try Aus again you would probably still have time on your visa, your kids could consider uni in Aus (A levels travel well) and you could come back knowing what it was that isnt gelling well this time.

Of course, most people are going to tell you to tough it out because it worked for them (or did it? they are still in the early days IMHO!) but I think your comment in a post on the Aus forum is very telling - you have made your decision and you feel at peace with it! When you get "yourself" back it is a great feeling!

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Hi we was only out of the Uk for 14 mths and we have not had to fill any forms in for anything....The only problem we have had is no resent credit history.

And i'm sure i've read somewhere that you can leave for upto 6 mths, without it affecting your Family allowance payments.........So i think you will be Ok with 12 wks.
You can work as a single parent for 16 hrs or over and get help with rent/rates and get a top up to your wages depending on what you are earning.
I do wish you lots of Luck on your return :)

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Thanks for all of your messages, i really appreciate you taking the time to write.

My kids are 16 and 13, which is why i've decided to go back sooner than later. I've been in touch with my eldest daughters old school and they've said they'd love to have her in their 6th form. My younger daughter has been given her old place back in year 8. I'm hoping that they'll just slot back in with their old friends, who've continued to keep in touch with them both.

The big thing for them is not having their dad around, we've discussed it, but i don't think anything can actually prepare them when it happens. My OH wants to give it between 6 to 12 months before admitting defeat, whether we feel the same about each other if he does come back remains to be seen, only time will tell. I don't blame him for his decision, as i hope he doesn't blame me for mine, i just feel incredibly sad that it's come to this.

I've spoke to loads of people who've told me that it took ages for their kids to settle, but that once they did, they wouldn't go back, which has probably kept me here longer than 2 weeks:rofl: but, i know my kids, i know the life they had in the UK and it was a good life, small village, brilliant school, great friends........why did we leave??? I've been beating myself up for bringing us here, for setting us back 15 years financially and for splitting up my family - even if it turns out to be only 6 months - but now that i've made the decision to go back, i've stopped going over what we've lost and i've started to plan for the future.

I've got no family in the UK (one of the reasons for coming here), although i have got friends, infact, i've just found out that i've been offered the tenancy on a house in the village i use to live in after a couple of friends went to view it on my behalf. It means paying 6 months up front but at least it's a roof over our heads.

I've also been in touch with our old GP and Dentist and both of them have still got me and the kids on their register:thumbsup:

My OH told me last night that he wants to keep more of the equity than what we'd originally agreed. Unfortunately the equity's in a bank account is his name only and i can't get my hands on it. He said that he'll pay for the flights, our 6 months rent and give me enough to live on for 6 months, but that's it. He wants to keep the rest of the equity here until he's decided what he wants to do and then if he decides to stay, he'll split it between us. I don't want to get solicitors involved because who's to say that he won't change his mind in the next few months, realise he's been a complete prat, and then want to come back to England. My problem now is, if i can't get work when i go back to the UK and end up having to claim benefit, will i be penalised for the fact that we sold the house, took the equity to Oz, but i've been unable to bring back my full share because my OH has refused to release the funds?

And i thought planning to get to Oz was a nightmare!

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Duh? Once you leave Aus, you might as well kiss goodbye to your share of the equity. He is under no compulsion to give you jack unless you can afford a fancy solicitor in Aus (not the UK) to handle your interest. You have the kids with you, if anything you should be taking more of the equity than he gets left with! Otherwise have your share put in trust with a solicitor before you leave.

You will get penalised on the benefit front as you realised equity when you left the UK. I cannot understand why the bank account is in your husband's sole name - is this not your money too? Be advised that you may also need to get a letter of permission from your husband to leave with the kids (at the very least you will need a letter for the one under sixteen).

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I am so glad you said this. I had to sit on my fingers to stop myself having a rant! :curse:

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Go and see a lawyer immediately. You may be entitled to upto 70% of the asset pool and super if you have the children. Your OH also has to pay chld support if the children are his.
A first consultation with most lawyers will be free so go and see one ASAP.

The current law on the division of assets is worked out thus; he total amount of the joint asset pool. This means all monies from sale of the marital home, savings accounts, supers, cars, furniture, equity plans, etc. Once you have a total, it comes down to a percentage split between the parties. Hopefully, although mostly not, parties will agree to to give each other a fair amount. If this does not happen, the law decides and this is a lengthy and costly process which you need to avoid if you can but not at the expense of being left with an unfair amount.
The law divides the assets through the process of contributions versus future needs. Your OH may have earned more during your relationship and therefore his contributions may be more than yours. But if you have the children (are they his?), your future needs are greater. In this case, you may be entitled to a 40-60% split.

Best to go and get some legal advice. Don't be talked into a legal wrangle, just find out your rights. You would probably get Legal Aid if you do not own a property or have any considerable assets.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Good luck sorry it did not work for you.

Should be a lesson to others that the men usually like it and do not want to leave.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I sympathise a lot with anyone who has troubles after moving, but I'm sorry, packing it in after 40 days is absolutely ridiculous.
Of course your attitude could be influencing the kids (who will obviously find it tough at first - just like everyone else), and your post makes it sound like you are using them as an excuse to leave.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Have to agree with you there Davy.

:eek::lol:

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

is there no way you could stay a bit longer and see how you feel? I felt like crying for months but didn eventually settle down. Is it worth breaking up your marriage?

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Australia is definately a mans country. Beer, soccer, fishing and food. It is harder on the women to settle. I tend to agree, even though i understand how depressed you feel, that it is early days.
There isn't going to be a happy ending either way at the moment because both situations involve a loss of some kind. I'd definately be staying to get the finances sorted out though.
You've got to be careful you're not running away just to escape being unhappy.
You've got some idea of the nature of the beast by how your OH intends to divide any assets so if anything his attitude is only going to become harder once you're on a plane back to England.
I know some people say money isn't everything but I'm sorry, I think money is a big issue when you're having to start your life again from scratch.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

This seems to be the story of this forum. I don't think I've seen a single thread in over 3yrs by a man that says he wants to go home, but the rest of his family (wife included) want to stay.

Every single time, it seems to be either
a) guy likes it, rest of family want to go home, or
b) guy and kids like it, wife wants to go home.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Arkon?

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

HJave you thought about going to the citizens advice centre near to where you live? they may be able to help. good luck with all you finally do. Life is too short to be so unhappy.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I think you are allowed up to 8000 in savings. I wouldnt be too worried about going on benefits you have paid into the system like us all. I stayed in N.Z. for 7 years stuck it out but wished i hadnt bothered in hindsight but we are all wise after the event. Good luck anyway.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I didn't apply for a TFN number cause i wasn't working, didn't realise i could still have one until the money was in the bank! :o

Why would i need a letter? Who would stop me taking them, especially if he has no ojection? or do you mean to protect my interests if he suddenly decides they can't go?

I'm glad you're sorry, but don't i don't accept your apology, the words 'go forth and multiply spring to mind'. I didn't ask for your sympathy, i'm sure others don't want that either, what we do want, however, is the advise we orginally asked for, not some know it all who likes the sound of his own voice. Personally, I think you're abolsultely ridculous and completely insensitive, and as you don't know me or my situation (thank god!), i'd suggest you keep your trap shut. As for needing an excuse to leave - staying is the easy option, leaving is much harder.



Thanks for the advise - at least i've got something to work on now.


Thanks for that.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Hi Mary great news yeah about the rental and schools:thumbsup:
Personally i dont think you will get penalised by the benefits department....unless you have over the accepted amount in savings.
You have split up, you have had to return to the Uk with your kids and any moneys you did have, have had to go as a deposit on your rental simple as....Dingbat is right in saying you may need a letter from OH giving you permission to return with your kids....

And i can understand why you dont want to rock the boat with OH on the money issue :) But at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your kids....While he has control of the money he in a sense, still has some control over you.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Thanks Sans. My OH had a good talk to the girls today and he's now admitted that i'm doing the right thing taking them back:thumbsup:

My brother in law rang me today while my OH was out, i thought he was gonna have a right go and defend his brother etc ect, but he didn't:eek: - he knows my kids and he just said, get yourselves home asap, you've had a go, doesn't matter if it's 2 weeks or 2 years, life is too short to be so miserable so don't torture yourselves anymore, my brother is being a pratt, but i'm sure he'll come to his senses and return within a few months. He also said how proud of me he was for putting the kids interest first - made me feel loads better, especially after the post from MrInsenstiveHead.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Fortunately , Sal, i don't give a toss what you think............................

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

The thing is Mary, if you're going to ask for help on a forum, you are going to get a mixed bag of answers some of which you won't like. It seems possible to conclude that your partner and yourself were not happy before you arrived in Australia. Therefore you want to go home and he's not arguing. I'm not sure where your girls fit into all this. Maybe to protect their long term interests you need to seek mediation, which is free, to sort out their long term care arrangements both emotionally and financially.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks....They are not living your life, their will always be those that think.. if you dont do as they do ,think as they think, then your in the wrong.

Personally i take my hat off to you, i think you are very brave for going it alone and sticking to what you believe is right for you and yours....
And i genuinely hope it all turns out for the best and your OH realises that their is more to life then just him :)

Good Luck xx

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

When we moved here, the first thing I wanted to do was move back to the UK. As it was, I went back after 4 weeks (had already planned to do so as had some family things to go to and had to get the house packed up and shipped off). Coming back to Australia after that was hard.

My husband did say to me in those first few weeks (when I couldn't stop crying and just wanted to run away) that if I went back to the UK then he would stay behind. So I had the choice of staying and giving it a fair go or moving back and taking my then-2-yr-old away from her Daddy. It was hard, but I stayed... it took almost 1 yr for me to start to feel "settled" here.

It was so hard at first, and like others have said, I reckon it's a lot harder on us women-folk.

But if you've got your heart set on leaving your marriage, I wish you and your children the best of luck. As someone else mentioned, you may need written proof that your ex is happy for you to take the children out of the country - especially on a permanent basis. I think it depends on if you're married or not - I've heard of people in the US who (even when still together) have had to have written proof from the dad to take the kids overseas for a holiday. Hope that makes sense.

Best of luck to you

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I can see you have already upset people on here with your decision, but remember i would go as far as to say most people have burned their bridges and cannot return home. You on the other hand can. Imagine having no funds you would be in it then. Look at it another way,you change your mind and decide to stay, in a few years your kids decide to go home anyway visit etc. No picture yourself there? Providing life is rosy and you are skipping along hand in hand and fully embraced Aussie culture:unsure: thats fine you know what the other side of the coin would bring. Just a thought:)

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Hear hear. Best of luck - we are in the same boat (I want to leave - wife not so sure - so there's another one for you!).

No one knows the ins and outs of your situation but you, so although alternative points of view are always useful, bland generalisations and critisism is not. It sounds like you have given it serious consideration and will do what's right for your kids. Nothing can prepare you for what living overseas is like until you have done it - and I think you know when you have made the wrong choice. The hard part is admitting it, acting on it before it's too late.

Hope it works out for you....

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I actually know how you're feeling but a couple of weeks is a short time to bust everything up - however it sounds like you have sorted things out more with your husband so that is good - hope it works out for you.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Hi Mary, I know exactly where you are coming from. I knew after three weeks that I couldn't live there, hubby loved it. We stayed 6 months in the end and the yearning to return home never left me. Hubby didn't want to come home but did because he knows me better than anyone and knew that if I said I couldn't live there then I honestly couldn't and that feeling would never have gone. But although I love my husband dearly and we have been together over 20 years I would have left him there if I had had to.

We have now been back in the UK 6 years coming up and neither of us has regretted it. We slotted back into our lives as if we hadn't been away but with a lot more appreciation of what was important in life to us and glad that we did try it. Life now is great, in fact its fantastic because if there is one thing that migration taught me is that in life you have to make difficult decisions and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but either way you have to just get on with it as at the end of the day you only get one life:D

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I dunno what the answer is , cut your losses straight away or stick it out, i wish i had cut my losses as we just got worse and worse off financially, but then my OH was like the OP's said we hadn't been here long enough, which i thought he had a point! now 18 months i know ave been here too long, he wont go back, my 17 year old is settled, my 10 year old is unhappy and behind at school and i feel like i get up everyday here and get on that bloody treadmill, the future for us definately holds a split in the family!, but i can say, well i listened to oh, stayed and tried, didnt work!!

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

PMSL,

Mary sounds like your strong enough to survive anywhere:lol:

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

Starting over is not easy anywhere. I was tricked by a devious husband into coming here 5 years and it cost me me everything including a huge divide in my family which I can't heal. If I could legally get my hands on my ex husband and just have 5 minutes giving him a slow agonising vasectomy experience without an anaesthetic, I would. BUT.....there is no use crying over spilt milk and my focus is now only on my huge success back up the ladder and back to Britain. I never think about the downside to avoid being sucked back into it, I only focus upwardly. I don't care about the spineless, corrupt, selfish toad that brought me out here, left me stranded with money, then tried to sue me for the lions share. Those days are gone, he's gone, I'm still here fighting back and winning. It taught me a lot about the nature of the beast here though.

YOU NEED A PLAN girly. If you can hold out here long enough so that it's not detrimental to your girls schooling back in England, go and see a lawyer like I said earlier, find out your legal rights then get an agreement on what's rightfully yours. Get tough with OH, tell him you've been to see a lawyer and ask him how he fancies paying $60,000 in legal costs for the matter to go to trial if he doesn't play fair.

Set yourself a time limit on how long you can realistically stay here but in the meantime start preparing the way for you and your girls to create something to go back home with.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

OMG....your situation mirrors mine exactly!! :ohmy: My 17 y.o. is behind his dad in staying here and my 11 y.o. daughter is all for going back with me! I too have been harping on to OH about the declining finances and for us to bail out before the worst....but will he listen? :frown: I'm with ya on that treadmill, day-in-day-out, until my plan for me and my daughter next year comes into effect - and it WILL happen, mark my words :sneaky:

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

:ohmy::ohmy:


omg, are you waiting until 17 year old finishes year 12, thats wot am doing:huh:

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I didn't get the impression this guy had tricked her though, he must just be a little perplexed at how things have worked out.

Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
 

I wasn't suggesting he had tricked her. It's obviously not worked out for both of them. What I was trying to suggest was that she should put herself first and get some legal advice. He should too. Or work it out so it's fair on both sides.
My situation was very different but the process isn't. Once it's gone belly up, things change very quickly.