British Expats - European Cities to Avoid

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European Cities to Avoid

I just picked up this wonderful book called "101 Places Not to Visit",
a satire of "1001 Places to See Before You Die" and its ilk.

It written by some apparently British chap named Adam Russ. The book
is satire, so there's no need to get defensive about his choices
(though some were spot on). The book is a hilarious mockery of travel
guides, and even features full-color glossy paper with color-coded
sections. Some of it is LOL funny. I recommend it highly.

So anyway, here's some choices from his list of European cities to
avoid, with a short snippet from each. Enjoy it, comment on it, and
please buy his book so no one gets mad about me quoting it here...

Amsterdam
"The red light district is famous throughout the world for its
up-front seediness, and a stroll along the Walletjes reveals a
selection of sights grim enough to make even the most depraved of
perverts feel like going home for a nice cup of tea and filling in an
application form to join the clergy."

Barcelona
"Barcelona comes on like a drunken colleague at the office Christmas
party - attractive at first glance, but quickly getting very scary,
and you'll certainly regret getting involved in anything too serious
the morning after."

Belfast
"Head for a pint in the ornate Crown Liquor Saloon and within minutes
you are likely to become involved in chirpy banter with, well, a bunch
of American tourists trying to track their Irish ancestry in a bar
that is seen as a tourist trap and universally avoided by Belfast
residents."

Faro
"A country that gave its name to the Portuguese Man of War - a
creature so unpleasant that even the jellyfish family is keen to
disown it - is everything you'd expect from such an association."

Grozny
"Officially recognized as one of the three most dangerous places on
the planet, Chechnya's culture is, by necessity, of the duck-and-cover
variety."

Helsinki
"Helsinki combines the old world charm of a McDonald's drive-thru
with the dynamic pace of a retirement home bridge night."

Kosovo
"With political assassinations, warring gang lords and gruesome folk
music, Kosovo offers all the innocent fun of a '60's spy movie, minus
the cheesy happy ending."

London
"Like the country that surrounds it, London is a place of faded glory,
the administrative centre of an empire long since lost, defined by
outdated dogma and populated by the worst-tempered people in Europe.
After the Germans, of course."

Moscow
"On a good night you'll think you've been whisked back to Chicago of
the '30's. Bodyguards squaring up to each other, catfights between
molls and armed kidnappings are all made more interesting by the fact
that by nightfall even the most clean-living Muscovite will have
consumed a half bottle of vodka."

Paris
"Like the worst type of cute girl on a date, Paris knows what she has
to offer and makes you feel stupid, ugly and unworthy and then gets
you to pay through the nose for the privilege of spending time with
her."

Reykjavik
"When the days are as dull as they are in Reykjavik, it's really no
wonder they make the nights so long."

Rome
"Conversation is conducted in two volumes in Rome -- bellowing
caterwaul for everyday exchanges and icy whisper for bitchy put-downs
and romantic propositioning."

St. Tropez
"Playground of the rich, famous, leathery skinned and those far too
old to be wearing a thong. Not that that stops them."

This is but a glimpse of the travel gems found in this fine book.
Europeans should not feel disparaged by the author's insights. There
are plenty of sharp barbs directed at the US, Canada, Asia, Pacifica,
Africa and South America. Even Antarctica cannot escape Mr. Russ'
cynical eye.

I say "check it out"! ISBN 1 86105 858 6.

- TR