Humorous Episodes
 

I thought I would start this thread so we could gather all our humorous stories in one place so that new comers can see that it is not all gloom and doom here.

So I will start it off with a one episode that occurred when walking down to the market one morning. On top of a 2 story house roof was a lad clambering around with a live chicken in his hand. I asked one of the guys who hang around the jeepny stop what he was doing up there, but his English was worse than my Tagalog so he grabbed me by the hand and went through the house while shouting something to the owner. A minute later we were standing in the dirty kitchen looking at the charcoal cooking pit when suddenly the chicken burst out of the chimney in a cloud of soot, the chicken was grabbed and thrown out into the yard before it made a mess everywhere. Apparently the standard way of cleaning chimneys here is to throw a live chicken down it.

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I may have jumped the gun on this one a bit, having spoken to a RSPCA friend in the UK, apparently this was the favored method in the UK between banning of kids going up the chimney and the common use of the sweeps brush.

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Great idea Stokkevn! I know you have many a story to tell....I look forward to seeing them again and any new ones you have.

The only contribution I can think of making at the moment is based on the word illogical which comes to mind a lot by living in the Philippines.

We had squadrons of mosquitoes in the bedroom and she decided to get rid of them with an aerosol spray. I went in half an hour later and still found the mosquitoes. She only left the windows open so that they could escape. When I tried to explain the purpose of the aerosol, I was told that I did not understand....

Pete

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One episode that I can remember happened in Denmark, although the woman in question was from the Philippines. She was quite a large woman and coming out of a small grocers clutching two large paper bags of things. Just as she got to the edge of the pavement the bottom of one of the bags gave way and there were potatoes, onions and carrots everywhere. An obviously retired military gentleman stopped helped to pick them up, as the woman bent down to retrieve what veggies she could she let out a large fart. Without batting an eye lid the military guy said "That's right madam the ones you can't catch - Shoot" I have never seen any turn so red in my life, even her arms.

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my wife a trained SRN, college graduate etc

birth of our first has placed garlic around the windows and doors to keep the wak wak away!!

I removed the items back to the kitchen, did not tell her until about 3 days later, she near had a seizure for me putting the baby at risk!!!

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I was supposed to be a godfather for some kid in the village, here they use a small pouch hung round the neck or pinned to their cloths for the same reason. I was holding my potential godson when I asked what was in the pouch, the reply was garlic and ginger. I said that does not make them taste any better, kid quickly remove from my arms, name removed from godfather list.

I might have to try that again.

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A few years ago I stayed with my wifes' family for a night before we moved into a house we had just purchased.

During the night a small insect flew into my wifes ear, her mums suggestion as common wisdom dictates is to turn your clothes inside out and then the insect will find its way out by itself.

Being tired and the middle of the night this idea did not sit comfortably with me and I made my view known.

After much insistance they finally found me some cooking oil, one drop in the ear and the insect floated up to be retrieved with a cotton bud. Miracle of miracles.

I have found that Filipinas are very naive, will believe anything they hear and take advice from those who think they know but haven't a clue. I have spent the last six years drumming into my lovely wife that you only ask a question of someone who is qualified to answer and take any other opinion as unqualified rubbish.

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MikeNZ,

So true about believing and taking advice from friends. How many times have I heard "but my friend says...." She doesn't say it much now when I remind her about her friends saying I cannot get a visa in the Philippines, but must get it before arrival. Also, my swollen foot when according to her friends I was going to drop down dead with a massive heart attack.

Anyway, last year she heard from the PNP that burglars sometimes use a form of chloroform sprayed into a bedroom window whilst the occupants are sleeping so that they can obtain entry into a house without being interrupted. She took this to heart and locked the bedroom windows 24/7 even though we were in the house. This was not much fun for me because the bedroom became an oven and after a shower, getting changed in there was like a sauna. I needed another shower after getting changed. It took a long time to convince her that if some nefarious person put "medicine" in the bedroom during the day time, it would be long gone before we went to bed at night. But of course I had to also battle against...."But my friend said....."

Regards

Pete

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A few years ago I was outside water jetting the old paint off the gates when a couple of elderly ladies walked up the track, so I stopped the water jet to allow them to pass without being covered in water and black paint flecks. One of them, in very good English for here, asked why I did not get a house boy to do that work. Looking at myself covered in sweat, water, black paint flecks and concrete dust it did seem like a good idea, but then I can not give up a chance at winding someone up. I replied that I was the house boy from Australia and the lady who owns the house was married to an English man before she put him in an old peoples home in England and moved back to the Philippines. All I heard as the ladies walked up the track was Tut Tut Tut! My missus found out from the village rumour machine that she was living with an Australian house boy. Took her weeks to stop the gossip as the two old ladies were well respected in the village and me saying 'I have not got a clue what she is talking about' did not help. Brownie points were scarce that month.

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Today we, the missus and I and 80 of the nearest family members were off to the beach in a relatives lorry when we were stopped at a local check point that is so much a permanent feature that I know most of the lads managing it. Usual questions of where are you going, I decided to be a bit cheeky pointing to the 'Philippine Red Cross' sticker in the windscreen ( left over from Yolanda days ) I said that we were on the way to seen a cannibal tribe in the mountains and taking them their lunch, pointing my thumb to the family in the back. It fell flat with the lad asking the questions, but the one behind him just collapsed into his chair laughing, he then translated to the rest of them. Smiles and laughter all round and we were sent on our way.

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The driving license topic reminded me of the first time I went to get a license. At the urine sample station I was given a small test tube and pointed by the girl to a toilet door next to her desk. In I went, shut the door and just started to fill the tube when the door was pushed open and the girl said "I must see", so with that I turned round so she could, she screamed, knocked over her chair and fled, the police chief who was with me doubled up with laughter, when he stopped he said that he did not think she wanted to see that much. She returned a few mins later, police chief explained to her that it was not my fault as she did say she wanted to see.

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Rain...a gift from God?

Not a humorous episode. But I think its funny.

Rain is a life saving commodity and without it...we will die. But according to my lovely lady its deadly. Not deadly when the road is soaked and all the vehicles are driving on it with their slick tyres at silly mph. Nope. Get touched by a rain drop and you may as well book yourself into hospital for an eternity. If a rain drop falls...it could actually have been a fly spitting then up goes the brolly. On our way to the market or wherever, the brolly will be up and down more times than a hookers knickers. We have a small pond. Have been told not to let the first rains of the season fall onto it....after all, the rain has been up in the clouds for many a month and will be dirty and nasty. I take no notice of a rain drop....and I am still here. But if I cough about 2 weeks after being struck by a rain drop...my lovely lady will triumphantly say it was caused by the rain drop. And of we would go to the pharmacy to get medicine...probably with the umbrella going up and down with the same regularity of a cars indicator lights.

You can see where we sit on the beach during the evening. It has furrows in the sand back to the bar because she thought she felt a rain drop. Everyone else just sits there waiting for the rain drop to pass. I wonder if they know that their days are sadly numbered.

But...its not all bad. When it comes down in torrents then if the kids are here she will join them cavorting in this deadly liquid. When I ask about the mortal dangers of rain touching her....her answer is always the same. "You do not understand".

Tried to tell her once that the city and well water comes from the rain and that Sipalay is not awash in dead and dying people. She says I am wrong. The water comes from the mountains. But who am I to argue?

Regards

Pete

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On Monday I went to the Municipal Hall to pay a bill, I went early and took one of my dogs as well. Paid the bill but could not get away from the building as the flag raising parade had just started and not wishing to seem rude and pushing through people I just stood on the front step waiting it to finish. This is where it started to go wrong, the dog wandered off and inspected the crotches of some of the female staff who were standing to attention. Bored with that he wandered over to the line of dignitaries standing in front of their chairs and picked on the new police chief, not content with just a quick inspection it was followed by a hefty nose nudge in the plums. Feeling he had now done his duty he wandered over to the bottom of the flag pole, sat down and proceeded to wash his equipment. The problem is that I can not say I had never seen that dog before as everyone knows he is mine.

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I got fed up of having to straighten mirrors or actually having to go and find them and put them back on the wall, I thought I would have a bit of fun as taking all the mirrors away is more cruel to a Filipino than waterboarding.

I took all the mirrors down, put them in the workshop, connected a wire to all of them and to just 1 pole of a car battery, when she asked what I was doing I said I was reprogramming them so they would reflect my face as well as hers. Expecting a smack round the ear all I got was "Oh, well don't take long then"

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Humorous episodes doesn't just have to be situations. It could be anything....including conversation. Misunderstandings happen due mainly to language interpretation and culture. I have had many such misunderstanding which have faded from memory. But two examples that happened yesterday.

We were due to go for a day out shopping and as it was a 12 hr return journey by bus including waiting time....we thought we would get up at silly o'clock in the morning. But we got up a bit earlier due to a brown-out and it was too humid to sleep. So we thought we would go early. As it was dark outside, I debated with myself whether to wait for sunrise or make our way to the terminal by torchlight. Thought I would see how the missus felt about it.....

Me: What time does it get light here sweetheart?

Missus: It opens at 8.30

Me: What?

Missus: It opens at 8.30, we can find out then.

Me: But it will be light then

Missus: Yes, but we can ask them then.

Me: Ask who, what?

Missus: When we will have power back. The Power Company.

Me: No, I meant what time will it get light here. When does the sun come up.?

Missus: Later.

We went by torchlight.

Then during the day, we wanted to eat at a restaurant. This always seems to happen:

Missus: Where do you want to sit?

Me: Don't mind sweetheart, Hows about over there?

Missus: Why over there?

Me: As I said, I don't mind....hows about over there then. (Pointing to a different place)

Missus: I thought you wanted to sit over there? (Pointing to the original place)

Me: As I said, I don't mind. Hows about over there? (Pointing to somewhere completely different)

Missus: No, that's too near the AC, it will be cold.

Me: Ok....over there then. (Again a different place)

Missus: No....its too near the WC. It will smell.

Me: (Patience wearing thin) Ok...we can sit outside in the fresh air.

Missus: No. It will rain soon.

Me: (Now exasperated). I said I don't mind where we sit.

Missus: Ok, we will sit here. (Which is where we had been standing for the last 5minutes.)

Yes, you need the patience of a Saint and good sense of humour in the Philippines.

Regards

Pete M

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You will learn the stock answer to your second conversation.At this point you have a few possible replies that will take any further involvement by yourself out of the decision making but the best one is normally "Because the girl/boy sitting at the next table looks nice" Now you will sit where she thinks has the greatest distance from your choice.

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I was going through my book the other day and found the following. Although the positive outcome made this somewhat humorous it could have turned out very different.

One of the diver engineers was dispatched to a project location and on his way back from China he decided to take a few days leave in Manila before returning to Norway. The next thing we heard from him was that he was in serious trouble and he asked his friend to block his bank account and get help to get him out of the country. When he returned we got the full story out of him. After Dag arrived in Manila he was wandering around the streets in the red light district when he came across a game of poker being played on a table in the street, being bit of a gambler he stopped and watched for a while. After a couple of minutes a very friendly Filipino came up to him and after some general chit-chat asked Dag if he could beat the guy in the red tee shirt, Dag immediately replied “Yes, easy”, the Filipino made him a deal that if he bankrolled him they would split the winnings 50/50, but he must not let the guy know it was him bankrolling him, so it was agreed. Half an hour later Dag had lost all the bankroll money to the guy in the red tee shirt who had miraculously got a lot better since Dag had sat down, he had fallen for the scam. The Filipino bankroller pretended he was not happy, drew a gun and told Dag that he was going to have to replace the bankroll money and was marched down to the ATM and told to withdraw the maximum allowable and then back to the poker table to lose that as well. As no more money could be withdrawn from his bank that day the armed Filipino and a couple of his friends accompanied Dag back to his hotel room and spent the night guarding their new cash cow. This happened for the next two nights as well, on the third night for some reason they left him on his own in the hotel room, this is when he managed to contact his friend in Norway. Jan managed to block his bank account and contact the owner of our company who did a lot of business in the Philippines and knew who to get hold of who was not corruptible, mainly the diplomatic protection police. A couple of hours after Dag had made contact with Jan there was a knock on his door, being fairly scared already he carefully looked through the security viewer in the door, all he saw was about five well-armed Filipinos wearing baseball caps and carrying machine guns. Dag put the chain on the door and told them to go away, they replied “We are friends”.
Dag’s only reply was “F*** off, everybody in this f***ing country is your friend”, they then mentioned the company owner’s name and that he had phoned Jan. Dag immediately let them in. Within 30 seconds they had put all his belongings in plastic bags and were ushering him down the back stairs, threw him in the back of a panel van along with his cloths and drove him to another hotel that they said was safe but he was not to leave the hotel, two days later they got him on a flight back to Norway. A few days after his return to Norway the Norwegian police contacted him, they were after as many details as possible, the previous year someone from another Norwegian company had been murdered in Manila and the set-up sounded very similar to the one Dag had got himself into.

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I may have started a new thing for Valentines. The other day in the local market I bought my wife a pigs head and told her that it was her Valentines present ( keeping the real present until the 14th ). Anyway the outcome was merriment from the stall holders, long face from the wife followed by pictures and comments swiftly put on facebook. Result was that all her friends comments were in line with, 'wasn't he thoughtful', 'how nice', 'lovely idea', 'wish my husband would do that'. So next year I will have order early for a pigs head.

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The things they say...

Spent a few hours yesterday trying to book flights and a hotel on-line for a few days away with my lovely lady. As you do.

The web site was poor (long story) and I eventually gave up after finding what I wanted because my credit cards were not accepted for some reason. My lovely lady patiently explained to me that the reason it cannot be booked on line is because now we have travel agents in town. A visit to the travel agent apparently does away with booking or conducting business on-line.

Having noticed that the flights would be slightly cheaper if we returned 7 days later instead of 4, she suggested that we go away for those extra 3 days and save on flight costs. The fact that the extra 3 days in a hotel plus eating out would make the trip away a whole lot more expensive didn't occur to her.

Just have to love them for their logic...

Regards

Pete

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If you use an international credit card as opposed to one issued in Asia you may problems, one of the reasons we changed ours and never have had a local one rejected when being used internationally.

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We have found the Cebu Pacific site a bit flakey using credit cards in the UK. Sometimes it is necessary to phone them to book flights.

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For years now every day when I walk down to the Market, regardless the time of day, there have been two blokes sitting on a homemade bench talking ( gossiping ) to each other. For the last couple of weeks they have been joined by a lad of about 14, nice to see that there is an apprenticeship scheme here as well.

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A guy from Europe has moved into the village and his M-i-L has about 3Ha land that she has said that he can use to grow what he and his wife wants. I went with them to look at the land, we walked to the property and along the way i patted a pig, with which he asked if that was dangerous, followed by pointing at a cow "Is that a Water Buffalo" - me "No, that is a cow", Him "Is it a boy" - Me "No, it is a female". Me "You have not been brought up in the countryside have you", Him "No, Paris, why".

You have to admire him, starting a new venture here.

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"How hard can it be...?"

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Sign seen in local market, not too sure it is advertising the activity as a spectator sport though.

Attachment 127659

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Not really humorous but it made me smile. In the last week/ten days we have been plagued with fire flies since the rains started. This evening I noticed one very bright one moving slowly across the roof of the verandah. Shining a torch on it, expecting a large queen fire fly all I saw was a gecko who had obviously had his fill of fire flies. Just praying for the day when the geckos turn their attention to the mosquitoes.

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So just back out of the dog house after a wind-up the other night.

Her-in-doors was going out to see some friends in the afternoon, so I reminded her that I was off for a few beers with my friend later.

Sitting round my friends house she turns up in a tricycle.
Wife "Have you got your keys, I left mine in the house"
Me "No, I was hoping you were going to get home before me"
Wife "Oh" as she jumps back in the tricycle and leaves.

One minute later she is back

Wife "How did you lock the house up before you left"
Me "With the spare set as mine are up in the bedroom"

Luckily the front door was still unlocked when I got home.

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I love these stories and I wish I could add more. But heres one that came to mind...

I mentioned in my Philippines thread how my lovely lady decided to wall paper the house late last year I think. Some wag (probably Stokkevn) cast aspersions on how well the wall paper will stick to the wall. A picture was painted of it all lying in a heap on the floor next day.

Not quite. But last month we decided we didn't need a/c for the rainy season and used an electric fan to keep the bedroom cool. It can get quite warm in there. On the first night on using the fan I was woken up by a strange noise. I looked around in the gloom and saw what looks like lots of waving flags. It was the wall paper being disturbed by the electric fan and was peeling off and flapping about. Had to get up a few times that night with white tape to fix it back to the wall.

All ok now though. Lots of white tape makes the blue wall paper decoration look a bit bizarre. But there again....this is the Philippines.

Regards

Pete

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Reminds me of my friend's husband. Years ago when they were first married...they decided to wallpaper...he used drawing pins instead of paste. He owned a stationery biz...so maybe it made sense. :lol:

Edit: sorry this was in the UK :o

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I fear your suspicion of of which wag it may have been was right.

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The bedroom in the old house was wallpapered, I suspect ready for my upcoming visit. In the night when it was very quiet, yes unusual for the Philippines, I could hear a crackling noise. On enquiring I was told it was the termites eating the paste off the back of the wallpaper.

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Speaking to a retired American friend who has some rice fields. He said that one afternoon one of workers asked if he had any condoms as he thought he would be lucky that night. He had some he had brought from the States so he gave him one. The next day he inquired about his luck the previous night. All the worker could say was there was something wrong with the condom, it kept falling off.

Size maybe?

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I bought some local ones and man were they tight. :ohmy: and I've got nothing to brag about.

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Reading a book the other day about a cruise ship holiday, fiction. But the following came up which is definitely not fiction.

Barman “If you ask any Filipino on this ship a question, the answer is always ‘Yes’”


Customer “Always?”


Barman “Yes. Only the ‘yes’ means three different things, the first type of ‘Yes’ means I agree. The second type of ‘Yes’ means I have no idea what you are talking about, but I am going to agree to avoid conflict. The third type of ‘Yes’ means that I hear you, and I completely understand, but I have no intention whatsoever of complying with your request, even though I am saying ‘Yes’”.

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Greetings,

With tropical storm Isang lurking about causing unsettled weather here, my lovely lady reminded me that we have another 17 storms to come this year. I asked her how she knew it would be 17. Her reply was that the storms/typhoons are named from A - Z. This one was beginning with I which meant there were another 17 more to go this year before we started from A again next year. I nodded in acknowledgement of the wisdom of her statement. As you do.

Regards

Pete

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Told my wife about this, all I got was "Well she is right, isn't she" enough said.

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Two for the price of one today.

The first is a definite contester for the Darin Awards. He had changed his motorbike front light from a normal white light to a red one, that definitely will not cause confusion at night.

The second was that in the main street in Roxas City they are having to repaint the zebra crossings because all the markings they put down just before Xmas have gone. One crossing there was absolutely no paint left so it was going to have to be marked out again. As I passed there were no signs or warnings that work was ongoing and only one person involved in the operation. He was on his knees in the middle of the road with a tape measure and piece of chalk, cars, trucks & tricycles going both sides of him. Did not see him on the way home 15mins later.

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Whilst visiting our son at Durham University we were visiting a local attraction which was in a deep valley. The wife wanted to take the usual selfies infront of the 30m waterfall and decided that her selfies stick wouldn't work because there was no bluetooth down here.

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My Missus still struggles to understand why the internet is required for facebook. She thinks that they are totally independent of each other.