Charismatic

A post on that Paul Henry thread go me thinking about the difference between banter and bullying.

When I was a lad we used to give each other a hard time at school but I don't think anyone tried to kill themselves because of it . In fact my friends still do enjoy having a dig at each other regarding all sorts of aspects of public life from being unfit, sexual preferences and even culture (for me if a joke makes you laugh then it’s just funny regardless of if it could be taken offensively). No one has yet accused me of bullying. It seems that if kids can't play the banter game at school and learn to take it on the chin then they'll have a really tough time later in life , many never seem to fully grasp that aspect of being social. It’s really part of our culture to make fun of each other and accept that no one is perfect.

So what where you like at school, could you play the game when it came to being social or did you go home crying to mum the first time someone put ice down your back in biology class?

Justcol

For those who came through their formative years relatively unscathed
its easy to say "if it makes me laugh its funny"
Having spent several years working with kids from neglected, abusive, poor,
underprivileged back grounds i can tell you most of the time when it comes
to taking it on the chin, for some its a lot harder than others.
One kid was so neglected he couldnt speak until he was almost 5.This was
becuase he'd never been spoken to. this had a knock on effect and his education suffered.
how hard was it for him to go home to a care home and
tell me (his key worker) he was being bullied at school when the kids called him thick.
How frustrating was it for me when i approached the school (who knew of his background)
only to be told its ok, theres no harm in it, all kids do it.
Imagine my anger when nothing was done, imagine my anger when he tried to cut his wrists because
the kids at school were just having a laugh.
I could tell you about the boy who was so afraid of strangers he would hide in his wardrobe.
I'll leave it up to you to guess what strangers had done to him in the past
and how he reacted when others called him a bumboy
How about the 14 year old kid with mental health problems because his parents thought
it funny to get him to smoke weed at 3 years old.
imagine how the kids in the play ground had a laugh with him because of the
problems it had caused.
These are just three from what could be a long list i could give you.
I'm not critsizing the thread but please remember what you find harmles banter
can be soul destroying to the point of despetion and suicide for someone else.

Charismatic

Those cases you mentioned where somewhat exceptional however and children who’ve had experiences like that should not be set free with other children right away for obvious reasons (in that what normal kids would consider normal banter may be taken personally by someone like that). This is sort of the point though that eventually the bubble wrap has to come off in order for someone to become a normal functioning member of society and to some degree we realise that everybody has flaws to them so we are all alike on some level .

Justcol

they are not bloody animals but i get your point.

Anywho I had big ears and one broken front tooth so i guess i looked a bit of
a gimp for a while.
i managed to come through ok but i didnt really do the micky taking thing.
I guess my own vulnerabilities made me more sensative to others feeling.

BEVS

To be clear . This is a thread about the difference between banter and bullying. Where is that fine line when it steps from just banter , acceptable by everyone & all involved, to bullying where one person is systematically targeted.

I would also adjoin that those on the receiving end of bullying , abuse, neglect from any source do learn how to play a certain sort of social game, simply out of survival. They will end up more attuned . This doesn't make for balance, just how they evolved to adapt and overcome.

With reference to the words 'bubble wrap'. Is that about those kids that are cosseted and overly protected so when something detrimental to their small wants or needs happens , they simply cannot take it on the chin , so to speak, because they have not been taught that it is not all about them.

Interesting subject with many variations to it.

Numptyhead

This is interesting, cos I came very much from an underprivileged background which included abuse,neglect, the children's home etc but I agree with Charismatic. At some point, if children are going to make it in the real world, they do have to take it on the chin a bit.

Life is not a bed of roses or indeed fair and when you live in a childrens home, you tend to look out at the real world, thinking that it is. Of course as with most things there can be a fine dividing line between bullying and banter.

The examples given by Col are the more disturbed children who would find future life difficult and distressing, even if they were wrapped in cotton wool for the reminder of their lives.

Sometimes there is nothing better than a bit of banter and it can be very funny.

Anyway back to the OP's original thread. I was an angel

Justcol

sorry if i was a karma killer in this thread.

Charismatic

janek

So long ago for me I can hardly remember, I can't recall blubbing to mum though, I guess I must have played the game, I have pics. at Primary school where I was obviously less than 'thin' shall we say.....growing up I have learnt to deal with the weight issues, but to this day there is a fatty inside me dying to get out!!! I don't recall being abused because of it though......I had an older brother at home who was always bossing me about and making fun of me.
I feel we have to learn to 'give as good as we get'

luvwelly

The reason NZ has such high bullying rates in schools is probably because too many people take the 'it is acceptable' attitude. It is not acceptable for adults to be bullied in the workplace (although it does happen) so why should it be acceptable at school?

I don't believe it is about 'bubble wrap' at all....it's about people bringing their kids up to treat others with respect and therefore in the way they would wish to be treated themselves...the easiest way to survive in the world is to avoid a bad crowd and instead to mix with like-minded people.

Banter such as might lead to enduring nicknames is only acceptable if the person on the receiving end is happy with it. Rather than banter do you actually mean 'name calling'?
Funnily enough my father used to have various nicknames for me which changed..some I hated e.g. 'Hot Cross Bun Girl' some I liked e.g. 'Your Majesty'......I haven't consciously not done it with my own kids but I have never called them nicknames only diminutive forms of their real names or other terms of endearment which they then say back to me...proving my point. They do say mean things to each other occasionally and I discourage it.