stephb78

Hi,

My boyfriend is a kiwi who came to England 9 years ago to play rugby (surprise surprise) around Europe. We met 4 years ago and he never left again (he has an English passport so we didn't need to get married). We bought a house and started to make plans to have a family. His father died suddenly just over a month ago and he went back for the funeral and to sort out his estate. He hadn't actually had contact with his dad in pretty much all the time he was over here. He came back and announced that he wanted to move back over there. I'm in something like shock at the moment. He has a job in IT and I am a researcher at a university here. I am very close to my family and I'm petrified that if I move with him I wont get to see them again. Also I have absolutely no idea about the job situation and whether I qualify in the 'skilled' category. I don't know if this is all a knee-jerk reaction to his dad dying, and his guilt at not having spoken to him before he died. He doesn't really have much other family in New Zealand (he's originally from near Whangerei). I have never even visited the country. I said I would think about it but that I didnt want to rush anything. How long does anyone think is a fair amount of time to set yourself for moving over? My present contract doesn't finish until October '08 and I dont really want to leave mid-contract as I am the main earner in our household. I feel like he's pulled the rug from under me! I think I need a bit of time to get used to the idea but he seems to think ASAP is better. Can anyone give me any advice please? We also have pets (2 cats at least) to consider. Sorry for the long post - I just need to hear opinions from people who've taken the plunge! Thanks.

littleal

Hello - can you not go over there together to see what you think before you commit yourself. You can investigate the universities over there as well - see http://www.immigration.govt.nz/migra...de/default.htm. I don't know much about bereavement but it does sound like he's had a huge shock and may be feeling guilty about being so far away from his family. Good luck.

garryhg

hi stephb..........jacky here my oh sprung this on me to about 8 weeks ago.my instant reaction was no im not going,weve got 2 kids,and the thought of leaving my family was a nightmare.it took me about 3 days of crying before i got my head around it,now i cant wait and think well never get another chance like this.theres so many people say to us your so lucky id go in a minute.we also have a pet ,a dog hes coming with us.you only get 1 life grab it by the balls,it sounds terrible but you cant live your life round your family,im sure theyd want you to enjoy your life the best you can.sorry to here about your partners dad but have to agree sounds like he might have a few demons to wrestle with.gl with your decision......jacky g

stephb78

Thanks Jacky, nice to know there's someone out there whose other half has done this too! How long have you given yourselves to move over? I don't think I'd want to sell our house straight away, maybe rent it out initially in case something goes wrong or I can't settle.

birdynumnum

Hi m'dear

Thats a really hard one.
No doubt you want to be with your man wherever but having never entertained the notion of moving abroad, you're shell shocked, its a huge thing to have thrown into the equation.
Listen to your gut if you can, if it doesnt feel right, be honest and say you dont think you can go, much as you wish you could.
Maybe a trip to see how you feel, you may come round to the idea & get into it - its nothing compared to moving there I know but better than going blind.
I wouldnt leave my job until my contracts over.
Your man may well be reacting to his fathers death as you say, if you dont do a reccie until you finish your contract that would also give him time to perhaps change the way he feels, sort his head out.
Not much help I know
good luck
xxxxx

lardyl

Hi Steph, cant add much on the personal level other than to emphasise that moving to NZ is a big decision and a lot more will change than you might anticipate, but that there are ways and means of keeping in touch with family. On a professional level I almost applied for post-doc over here (at Massey Uni in Palmerston North), having spent 12 years out of academia. This was in order to be working close to my other half's (then) likely employer. Not sure that the universities here are of the highest quality academically, not really on a par with UK, Oz or European ones. AFIK you would qualify for the skills shortage list for Skileld Migrant Permanent Residence if you apply for a lecturship (unless that has changed in 2 years) and the NZIS people suggested that I would qualify if I applied for a Senior RA post. The nearest "real" University to Whangerei is probably Massey in Albany (just north of Auckland).
There are plenty of other jobs for technically qualified people that are spread out around the country - so you could also venture out into the real world (I decided to do that after post-docing on a couple of contracts) and have not looked back. Good luck in whatever you decide, LL

garryhg

hi steph...jacky here,hope your bearing up,weve sold our house and we move out this friday,flying over on 17july,its all happened so quick for us weve not really had a chance to panic yet.but the way i see it is we dont like it we come back.its only a plane journey away,well 3 plane journeys actually but never mind.i can cope with it not working and having to come back,but i dont think i would like sitting in 10 years time wondering what might have happened if only we went.at least this way we will know.are you any closer on making a decision.i really feel for you but once you get your head round it you will start to feel positive about it,you just have to give yourself time gl jacky

Leighlou

Hi Steph,
I would say that definitely do not do anything until you have been for a recci to see if you like it. This site is testament to NZ not being for everyone. What is one person's paradise ......
Best of luck and sincerely hope it works out for you both.

Kerry W

Hi

My partner is Kiwi and he wanted to come home too. He was concerned about his dad too and that if anything happened, he would not be around. We came over for a reccie 3 years ago and I was gutted when we flew back to the UK.

Now we are back here, for good. We have no regrets but I would definately suggest you come over for a visit first as you need to see what NZ has to offer you and for you to get a feel for the place. I miss family but luckily have made many friends which make up for it.

Might also help your partner in the decision whether he does want to stay or not.

Good luck in your decision

Kerry

stephb78

He seems to have calmed down a bit and is job hunting over here now. I think he still has his heart set on it but appreciates its a big thing for me so is prepared to give me time to go over and visit, and come to a decision. He's up to reason 43 why we should go! I'm feeling a lot more positive about it now and I'm tentatively excited at the prospect. Its the wrench of leaving my family that is the bug bear - my sister just had a baby 3 months ago.

stephb78

Thanks for the advice. If I stayed with the UK university system I should really be looking for lectureships once this post-doc runs out. I love research and academia but it really is quite cut-throat. I don't know if I quite have the drive to literally stand on other people to get to the top over here. A more 'relaxed' atmosphere might be right up my street!

stephb78

Thanks Kerry. I've been moaning about this country for ages now and part of me feels like it would be great to get away from it. It really is just the distance. We'd thought about maybe moving to Europe before his dad died but obviously thats a lot closer that NZ. I think a visit is the next best step. Hopefully we can do it early next year and I can make a better informed decision then!

stephb78

thanks to everyone for their advice!

kiwi_child

Did he say why he all of a sudden wants to move back to NZ? I'd be very hesitant of just up and changing your life because someone other than you wants you to.

Maybe his trip back has reignitied positve memories from his days there. Perhaps he sees moving back as 'reconnecting' with his roots and who he is. These can be powerful forces.

From the sounds of things I think you need to really sit down and discuss things with him, so you each get where the other is coming from.

I would stick with your contract and tell him you would like him to stay in UK with you and see if he still feels the same, closer to when your contract ends.

As for career ops in NZ, you would need to maybe contact universities and other potential employers and/or recruitment agencies so you can make some kind of assessment.

Take things slow, build up your info, and as another poster said, listen to your inner self. Also, listen/observe closely to the interactions within your relationship. What do they tell you? Gut instincts often are good indicators, though not infalible.

Some Questions: What happens if you make the 'sacrifice' move to NZ with him and then find it all feels/goes to shit? What's your plan? Where would this put you? Could you live in a country that doesn't 'do it' for you, and be happy? Would he move back to the UK with you, if you were miserable there?
Does being with him outweigh the rest of your life's interests and securities?

Big Q's, but ones you need to consider maybe.

Good luck,

Christina

southerner

Sounds like you would qualify under the family category so no problems there....