Sick parents :(

Old Mar 6th 2016, 10:15 pm
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Unhappy Sick parents :(

Well it has finally happened after over ten years here in NZ, as it inevitably would I guess.
My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and will be going into hospital for treatment. No real details yet apart from the main diagnosis, still awaiting scan results.
It was bad enough when my dad was in hospital for a few weeks last year. He recovered and is okay now.
But this is something else. Still processing it really but I don't really know who to, or how to talk about it. Mum wouldn't want it discussed on Facebook, or here really but this is less connected to friends and family.

I feel so helpless being so far away, unable to do offer much support.
This is when the migration thing is hardest, when you need to be close to people that you love, but can't be.
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Old Mar 6th 2016, 10:19 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

sorry to hear this Rob, know it is very difficult and I had a scare with my mum after only a few months of being here.
Not sure how tech savvy your mum is but when my son was in hospital he was grateful for me being able to be around in the night time hours when others had gone home so he never really felt alone.

Hopefully the results will be able to give you a clearer understanding of what is happening. here's hoping for the best results possible.
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Old Mar 6th 2016, 10:20 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

You have a great big hug Rob. It is extremely hard to deal with.

I realise your Mum wishes for privacy but you also need some support and really only those of us over the hills and far away know what it feels like. That sense of not being there ; too far away ; not hands on to pop by for a chat/cuppa.

I hope you can have a good skype , or whatever it is, with your parents.

Perhaps now is a good time to considering an affordable UK visit at some point if that is at all possible. Sometimes it simply isn't.

It is always serious but how 'serious' do you feel it is in your bones.
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Old Mar 6th 2016, 10:54 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Hugs Rob. It's so very hard isn't it. That feeling of helplessness is difficult to deal with.

I agree with what BEVS has said, if you need to talk about it on FB or elsewhere then that's what you need to do. Just having things going through your mind constantly and not being able to offload won't do you any good and won't help you to clarify what you need to do.

When will your Mum get her scan results Rob? Hopefully then you will have a better idea of what is going on and can base your decisions/plans on that. Do you have a relative who will be totally truthful with you about her prognosis?

Sometimes family members will try and 'protect' us or they maybe in denial (I thought my brother was trying to protect me but it turns out it's the latter!).

Hoping for the best prognosis for your Mum Rob. Take good care.
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Old Mar 6th 2016, 11:03 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
You have a great big hug Rob. It is extremely hard to deal with.

I realise your Mum wishes for privacy but you also need some support and really only those of us over the hills and far away know what it feels like. That sense of not being there ; too far away ; not hands on to pop by for a chat/cuppa.

I hope you can have a good skype , or whatever it is, with your parents.

Perhaps now is a good time to considering an affordable UK visit at some point if that is at all possible. Sometimes it simply isn't.

It is always serious but how 'serious' do you feel it is in your bones.
I get the impression it's pretty serious. It's the more aggressive of the two forms apparently. Should know more in a few days.
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 12:26 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

So sorry to hear your bad news, Rob. It's a shock to get news like this.

I was thinking about you lately, especially with the road works on the road to Wellington.

Hope you get news soon about the diagnosis and what the next steps are for your mum.

How are your Dad and brother taking the news ?
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 12:29 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

So sorry to hear your news Rob. I know exactly how the isolation and helplessness feels.
I got the call that Mum was ill 18 months ago , I was in Hong kong, waiting for a connection
to Manchester when she passed. I was 17 hours too late.

I hope your mum gets better soon, but if the worst case scenario happens, do everything you can to be there
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 12:35 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Sorry to hear this Rob. I also know personally the guilt and stress for everyone being so far away. Also, with something as serious as Cancer, you don't know how long to plan your visit which makes it all even harder.
I hope your mum is not in too much pain and in a good hospital in the UK.
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 12:51 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Thanks everyone. Dad is staying strong, sister doesn't know yet. (She has learning difficulties, and probably won't fully understand the implications).
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 1:58 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Originally Posted by RobClubley View Post
Thanks everyone. Dad is staying strong, sister doesn't know yet. (She has learning difficulties, and probably won't fully understand the implications).
You're welcome Rob. I'm glad your Dad is staying strong.

Sorry I remarked on your sister thinking it was your brother. I remembered they had learning difficulties.

It's a hard place your are in just now, there's no doubt about it.
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 6:03 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Thinking of you guys and know how you feel, my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer recently which has complications and has spread into his bones. We regularly FaceTime but it was hard being so far away. Then sister started to lay on the emotional guilt about us going back to visit. I always said I wouldn't bow to this as I was always the one the lived nearby and did everything for parents. But I succumbed and we are going home in June for a visit. Financially this will be our only visit for a very long time.
Selfishly I don't want to go home, I wanted parents to visit here, they still plan to when things level out.
It's so hard being so far and then trying to decide when it's the right time to go back.
Good luck with what ever you decide
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 6:13 am
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Sorry Moonie, thinking of you too. Sorry to hear that your Dad's cancer has spread to his bones. Good luck for your trip home in June x
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Old Mar 7th 2016, 7:56 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

sorry Rob - it's just crap. definitely amongst the absolute toughest things to handle living on the other side from them! hope you all get the best news you can...
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Old Mar 8th 2016, 8:55 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

Originally Posted by moonie2011 View Post
Thinking of you guys and know how you feel, my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer recently which has complications and has spread into his bones. We regularly FaceTime but it was hard being so far away. Then sister started to lay on the emotional guilt about us going back to visit. I always said I wouldn't bow to this as I was always the one the lived nearby and did everything for parents. But I succumbed and we are going home in June for a visit. Financially this will be our only visit for a very long time.
Selfishly I don't want to go home, I wanted parents to visit here, they still plan to when things level out.
It's so hard being so far and then trying to decide when it's the right time to go back.
Good luck with what ever you decide
Sorry to hear this.

After reading more about the condition I think I need to go back this year. Mum and dad have only met their granddaughter once (she's 5) and I think she has to go too.

Going back will be a challenge for us financially. We're committed to a couple of big payments this year - my project car is about to be finished at the body shop and the bill is going to be big, then there's the recently installed solar power to pay for, and my father in law is coming for a visit next summer. This is already seriously over stretching the finances.

Add another $10k+ for the three of us to go to the UK and it'll be a bit painful to say the least.

Then if we all go, the expectation will be for us to only see my parents, and everyone else will expect us to go and see them too. My parents are in Bridlington which is hours from everyone else.

And I know at some point I'll get the comment "It takes something like this happening for you to come for a visit"

The whole thing is a nightmare.
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Old Mar 8th 2016, 11:22 pm
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Default Re: Sick parents :(

So sorry that you are in this situation Rob, especially the likely guilt trip from your parents even though to visit them you are spending money you don't have. (No offence meant to your parents btw.)

Good luck with other family members thinking you've come over for a good fun holiday and they think everything's cool with you. Even those who know that your mum has cancer may still want to start a fight with you. It won't have cost them a penny for you to be there, they just sit there waiting for your arrival and still look hard done by. (Well, that was our experience of our UK to NZ visits to date anyway.)

Or they act like you've just driven up from somewhere half an hour's drive away, so, what's your problem ?

Sorry that this has come at a bad time (is there ever a good time for news like this ?) for you financially.

We haven't been back home since we turned up in NZ just over five years ago. Our British credit card is our emergency fund regarding needing to go back to Britain at a time not of our choosing. (Yeah that's right, more debt.)

Thinking of you Rob

Last edited by Snap Shot; Mar 9th 2016 at 1:18 am. Reason: needed to make post clearer
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