Paps1

Hi All,
Just looking for some advice really like. We lived in NZ 6 years ago for 3 and a half years. We lived in Auckland and then Christchurch. Whilst there we had a daughter. We never really settled we were in rented accommodation and moved a fair few times because of the houses being sold. It was me that wanted to come back I found it a real struggle being on my own with a baby and despite being an outgoing person found it really hard to make friends. I know have 4 children and live in Kent but I am considering coming back I know my children would have a much better life in Christchurch than I can ever give them here. Just wondering if others can tell me how they found it? Any particular areas that you feel have made a great home? Are there British Expat meet ups etc? (I know there is a SA and an Irish society.) any advice would be much appreciated, obviously we wouldn't be able to come back to the UK so easily next time because of the children and if course the cost.
Thank you in advance x

Justcol

Is there s reason for returning to Chch, it seems strange to return
to a place you were unhappy in in the first place.

Paps1

Hi, I loved Christchurch just think it was because I had a little one and found it hard to be on my own without a support network. Do not convinced I gave it a proper chance if that makes sense.

Catchafire

So what's your situation regarding visa's, work, house to sell etc?

Paps1

We have permanent residency so can come back. We have 2 children that have kiwi passports so just need to apply for visas for the other two children learn. We have a house to sell, my husband works in IT so job wise it shouldn't be a problem. My only concern is feeling isolated and sad to say but lonely. That said when we moved back to the UK we moved to an area where we didn't know anyone because it was cheaper and have done ok. I think with the kids at preschool and school it would make a difference? Well I hope it would.

Catchafire

We have been here for 11 yrs now, both our kids were born here and those first couple of years were pretty tough. Then preschool started, work started again for my wife and through our kids our social circle was expanded. We now have people that we can call when "can the kids come back with you" if we miss school pickup, there's BBQ's and camping in the summer.

So yes you can feel isolated in NZ. It did not last forever for us, the kids have broken the ice in many ways. Also we live in a great small community, which we feel apart of now.

Good luck!

MegMac

I hope I'm not reading this wrong, but are you intending to move with the hope that this time you might not be so lonely because your children will be in school?

I can only let tell you from my personal experience, my children being at school has not helped me make friends or feel less lonely at all. The schools here aren't like schools in the UK where parents meet each other and get to know people on the playground. You forget, here kids usually walk to school on their own. My 2 are considered weird because I walk them to and from school everyday and I am probably one of only a handful go parents at our school who does that.

My children are 7 and 10 and I have met one parent in my 10 year olds class, and no parents in my 7 year olds class. The frustrating thing is I have really tried, I know the effort it takes to make new friends in a new country, so it isn't like I haven't tried. I help out at school, I volunteer for everything, I'm heavily involved in the PTA.

I've always thought I was a fairly friendly and outgoing person but the past year has made me question that. Perhaps I am the issue, who knows. But in my experiance having children at school hasn't helped one bit with the loneliness.

Paps1

I am really sorry to hear that! Trust me it isn't you. I felt the same when I was there. Came back to the UK moved to an area I didn't know or have any friends etc. I wondered if it would be the same but I made friends quite easily kind of restored my faith in myself.
I just thought with preschool and school and beavers etc it might be easier to meet people.
Where abouts in NZ are you?
Trust me it isn't you x

Justcol

I get a little tired of people thinking moving half way around the world is some how going to create a super group of new best friends.
Yes folks are a little friendlier here but in general that extends to a quick natter when out walking the dog or a short chat in a cafe or bar
Kiwis are really like everyone else and if you struggle to make friends in one place then your going to struggle in another.
I go to a pub for a boys night out and a few pints with a couple of mates every week, We are all tired of meeting people who say
"oh you have no idea how I miss a pint with the lads and a couple of hours of talking football and bullshit" so we invite them along
we're all pretty easy going, only for them to not bother. I dont need any more friends but I realise some people do, but if they dont make
an effort then like any normal person I'll stop bothering

Paps1

Just col,
I think you are being a little harsh. It isn't about moving half way around the world to make new best friends list. You probably work so it isn't isolating for you. If you are a stay at home mum you rely on the people at the school gate for your adult company etc. Another mothers advice etc if you need it. I didn't expect to find a new group of best friends but I did think I would meet at least another mum to have a cuppa with once a week. I totally disagree that if you don't make friends in one area you won't in another a very sweeping statement, I have never had a problem with making friends or having confidence etc.. As I said when I moved back to the UK I made friends again very quickly. I think your circumstances are obviously very different to that of a stay at home parent. I do however accept the fact that it probably just takes longer to build relationships there than here.
Anyway it seems like you are enjoying life our there so good luck to you.
I am just trying to test the water to see how others have found it.

Paps1

Justcol,
I should say I did meet another English lady over there but I stopped contacting her because she moaned about the crap programmes in NZ and how cold the houses were etc. She obviously came back too.
I think one of our main reasons for not settling was because we kept moving and tbh doing that and having a new baby was a struggle.

BEVS

Stop! Stop right now.

You are now being pulled into justifying why you felt so isolated. You do not do that to or with anyone. It is your personal business. Keep it that way unless you feel happy to share whilst not under duress of someone you do not know and have not met comments.

Justcol has his own circumstances . You have and had yours.

Look. Friends are friends. It is not about a place really. It is about simply clicking with like minded people. I've seen a huge load of superficial friendships and friendship groups here & that may well be the case in the UK. I do not know as we came from a group of long time friends back there , the like of which we have not been able to make here for a variety of reasons despite being perfectly good, sociable people. I am sure all others out there around us are also fine in their own way. It is not what we expected but have come to accept .

It is not about you & do not let anyone say otherwise for any reason. It is all about who you are as a person and the people around you.

MegMac

I've moved half-way around the world a couple of times before, and the one thing I've learned is that you are the person that has to work hard, put yourself out there and be completely shameless when it comes to talking to people and inviting them out for coffee etc. and generally becoming part of a group.

I've done this before which was why it was such a shock when it didn't work here.

Like I said that has been my experience, I'm sure there are people out there who make friends and integrate really easily here but that has't happened for me. It certainly isn't been for lack of trying.

Paps1

Thank you BEVS.

Paps1

I did the same, but I think a lot of the people have grown up together etc. So it makes it harder to meet people.
Don't get me wrong I don't mind my own company but nice to have a cuppa and a natter or a glass of wine or 2 with friends.
I really hope your persistence pays off.