mazi

I don't like other people's much as a rule (there has been the odd exception) and I find them a bit boring - they never like doing crosswords or reading Sartre - but I'm getting on now and am a bit afraid of waking up aged 43 with no eggs.

This dilemma pops up every other day now so I wonder if my body is telling me something.

My mum never liked kids either but when I came along she liked me a fair bit. Has anyone else had this experience?

I'm also scared of getting more stretch marks, having suffered from the dreaded scars since the age of 11 and having had the piss taken out of me since age 11 (boys at swimming pools, girls in changing rooms, even an ex-boyfriend said he'd dump me if I didn't get rid of them! I dumped him.).

mazi

Of course, when I say I don't like other people's, I am not talking about any of yours, who I know are delightful.

Poppy girl

I just saw you post whilst browsing and am normally in the USA forum but.......
I never had kids I am 42 years old and have no regrets what so ever, so don't feel guilty, not all of us were made to feel like they wanted to be Mummies I love my animals and they fill a gap in my life I know its not the same but don't have a child for the sack of it, I don't dislike children just don't have a maternal feeling for them I like to play with them knowing I can give them back to thier parents after.
I have no idea how old you are but you may well change I have girlfriends in thier 40's that are now having their 1st kids, if the right person comes along you may well change your mind.

mazi

Thanks! I'm not in my 40s yet. I have changed already: I didn't think I would ever want kids but as I said, this dilemma keeps hanging around lately.

Another reason I can think for NOT having kids is that this world is sure to go nuclear sometime in the next 50 years or so, and the global warming problems are not few so knowing this, I don't know if it's fair to bring kids into the world. I wouldn't want to render them to a life of suffering. I don't put much store by the idea that if we don't breed we'll all die out - if we do, we do. It's not that much of a concern, is it? We won't be here to worry about it!

I am with someone now and I think he's the right person which I think may be why I'm starting to ponder the idea of kids - he's fantastic with them and makes me feel very proud when I see how good he is, he has even said he'd happily be a househusband so I might be able to get away with the bad bits (ie. bringing them up ).

Of course, my tongue is firmly in my cheek but really, this 'kids' thought troubles me at times.

TruBrit

hiya, my hubs would say most def NO

i had two full term pregnancies and have no stretch marks and took care of myself big time when pregnant as i didnt want any stretch marks either although really stretch marks are not much of a price to pay for producing a health baby imo.

tbh i'm not that maternal, easy to say as i have a son mind you i have to say the number of times i've said 'thank god i've only got one' LOL

i have a 42 yr old girlfriend in florida who's left it lateish to start trying for babies and is having big probs. was told last week after lots of tests that due to her age and her body clock her eggs are old and if she became pregnant good chance the baby would be handicapped but then that's her not to say that's applicable to anyone else. if she were to pursue getting pregnant she'll have to come up with mucho money for a donor egg etc etc.

all the best with your dilemma but really only you know the answer.

uk+kiwi

A few random thoughts on this topic:

Only you can answer that question, as you already know.

Stretch marks don't necessarily come with the territory. I didn't get any from my 2 pregnancies, but did get a few during puberty.

I defy anyone who says they love other people's kids as much as their own. This is natural. Part of biology in fact. But I do think it helps to generally enjoy the company of children. The cute adorable baby stage flies by so quickly. I suppose childhood does too if you look at the bigger picture, but that's way out there for me personally.

There are enough children in this world that we can afford to slow down on reproduction. So you shouldn't feel like you 'should' have kids if that has ever crossed your mind. I only thought about the perils of this world after bringing children into it (although I always 'knew' I would have 2 children - at exactly the ages I had them. weird.) so I fully understand where you are coming from re: their potential future/ nuclear war etc. I do worry about what life my kids will have, albeit the best of British at this point in time.

BUT if you generally don't like children, I would say NO WAY. They change your life beyond comprehension and whilst parenting is very very rewarding, it is the most mentally tiring/challenging thing you will ever do in your life by a mile. That is if you do/strive to do a good job at it of course! I say this as a mother. I am sure my husband would think this was going far too OTT. But even in this day and age, women generally have much more responsibility in the family unit than men. Just thinking of daily practical things to do with the children such as planning and organising everything imaginable, packing PE kits, school uniform shopping, homework etc etc. Even when both parents work full time.

Bizarrely, the bit of your post that struck a chord with me was that it reminded me of my sister who has always said she doesn't want children (she's 30). When I told my best friend this a few years ago now, she told me she obviously hadn't met the right man.

So lots for you to think about at the moment then ... just be honest with yourself and your partner. No-one else's opinions matter.

Finally, I think having children with someone is by far the most responsible thing you can ever do with some-one and an act that potentially binds you forever. I find that a bit scary to be honest. Perhaps best to just go with your gut feeling either way. Marriage, by comparison, is not much of a commitment - purely because divorce is so easy, quick and socially acceptable these days.

Enjoy - tough one to answer. Good luck.

mazi

This is one of my concerns - I feel that if I leave it too late the baby may have problems and as i feel right now, not pregnant, I don't think I could handle it and would have to think seriously about not having the baby if problems were detected during pregnancy.

Apparently there is a new test available to detect how old your eggs are now and how much life is left in them.

TeamEmbo

You already know the answer!

I didn't particularly like other peoples kids either. But I have 2, one of each, age 10 and 12. Im 38. They're worth all the sleepless nights, stretch marks, taxi driving, drain on finances, etc. Mine do crosswords with me! I also trained them in head and neck and foot massage!! and now I'm learning from them. They keep you young.

The journey from bump to now has been fascinating and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I don't think too much about the what ifs in the future. Today I have 2 amazing kids and I've never laughed or loved so much in all my life. Oh, and my husband feels the same!!!!!!

You'll make the perfect mum. You don't suffer from illusions. And you won't care about stretch marks or anything when you get that first smile from your little bundle of joy and poo.

mazi

Thanks for the reply - I was fully expecting you all to start saying "No, you're a horrible beatch, don't even consider it"!!!

uk+kiwi

Agree with it all - except this bit! I've aged loads (well, lots of grey hairs have appeared on my head!) and come 9 o'clock at night, I'm ready for bed most nights (would fit in well in NZ then - I can hear the joke already!) But yes I laugh a lot, although possibly not as much as I did through uni.

I think the trick is to have kids as young as you can. Who is the 67 year old latest mum of twins kidding that life's all sweet as?

mazi

Still don't know the answer! I'm sure I'd love them lots if they came but I just don't know if i'd resent them for taking my life away and I know some will say I'd be gaining a life, just a different type of life, I'd be so worried I'd prefer this life - without them.

mazi

Oh no! I thought someone might say that! I've had the ability to have kids for 22 years now. I'm too old!

mazi

No, I give up - you'll have to tell me.

What is your impression about my musings? What do you think I think the answer is?

uk+kiwi

Nah...

It's not awful. Far from it. But I replied along a more serious note because this side is not really spoken about and probably becuase I'm fairly pragmatic - think all the things that NZIS do and also do NOT portray about NZ for example. So by the same token, I could have just written 'I think it's the best thing I ever did so go for it' but that's very biased and possibly a bit simplistic about something you are giving serious thought to. That's all.

mazi

Sorry, another stream of consciousness...

Tell me HONESTLY, do people really still love them if they come out eg. stupid? I have (and I know this is not the most endearing side of my personality, I have tried to work on it and failed miserably) absolutely no time whatsoever for stupid people. They make me feel violent. And what if I had two - and one were of reasonable intelligence and the other weren't? And what if they're ugly? Most people would have you believe it's impossible to see ugliness in your own child but I used to know someone who had a pretty daughter and an ugly one and she was only too aware that the ugly one was ugly. She said the ugly one developed a really funny personality because she knew she was ugly and needed to compensate somehow. She was a funny child, actually, I have to say.