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Second second thoughts

Second second thoughts

Old May 5th 2009, 4:36 am
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Default Second second thoughts

We have made the decision to return to the UK and guess what I'm having second thoughts! What is the matter with me? I thought I would be really pleased and excited about seeing everyone and things that are familiar to me but I'm thinking how much this experience has cost us as a family of four and think is this the correct thing to do. Does anyone else suffer from severe indecision?
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Old May 5th 2009, 5:03 am
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Originally Posted by MissSunshine View Post
We have made the decision to return to the UK and guess what I'm having second thoughts! What is the matter with me? I thought I would be really pleased and excited about seeing everyone and things that are familiar to me but I'm thinking how much this experience has cost us as a family of four and think is this the correct thing to do. Does anyone else suffer from severe indecision?
I was once like this when in my 20s. I was a holiday rep and when I was in Spain I wanted to be in the UK...and vice versa. In the end Spain was the best place for me. Only YOU know what you want. I would NOT return on a whim. Sit down and think WHY you came...what has changed??..why do you think the UK will suddenly for you be a better place now? THINK WHY YOU LEFT> Sharon and Ian did this and after 10 or so days returned to NZ and ultimately ended up in Oz. How long have you been here..have you given it enough time? Is your mind set right? We came out with the mind set that THERE WAS NO GOING BACK!!!!!!!! Think, think, then think on. This could be a very expensive and disruptive thing you are about to embark upon. Don't know you atall but my advice is hunker down and give it some more time.

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Old May 5th 2009, 6:08 am
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Smile Re: Second second thoughts

So, what you are really saying is that you think you'll be equally miserable in the UK?

Maybe the problem isn't the country you are living in? Have you tried new shoes/car/career/husband/life? For many folk the problem isn't the country they are in but that when they moved they just took everything in their old life and transplanted it to a new place expecting it to make them happy. If we do the same things again and again we tend to get very similar results .
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Old May 5th 2009, 6:20 am
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Originally Posted by MissSunshine View Post
We have made the decision to return to the UK and guess what I'm having second thoughts! What is the matter with me? I thought I would be really pleased and excited about seeing everyone and things that are familiar to me but I'm thinking how much this experience has cost us as a family of four and think is this the correct thing to do. Does anyone else suffer from severe indecision?
Nothing is the matter with you. You are simply still on that old seasaw of emotions following a huge change in your life. In the first couple of years I was here in NZ , I may well have returned to the UK or thought to move on as I didn't settle easily. Not everyone does you know and that is totally allowed. For the first year I sort of felt a bit invisible at times. Husband settled well and quickly .

You know, you haven't been here in NZ very long at all yet. Maybe you should give it some more time before making the equally huge decision to leave NZ.

Is it about not knowing people, places . Or perhaps feeling isolated at the moment or about not having the familiar or your immediate family around you because that does get better .

It can feel hard to start again making friends and getting that 'home' feeling but it does come .

Feel free to vent and rant away on here if it helps. Sometimes it is good to share your worries with folks other than your family .
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Old May 5th 2009, 6:45 am
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

We arrived on 1 January 2009 - not long at all I know. When our stuff arrived by boat it was a long time before we even unpacked our clothes from some of the boxes. Our thoughts were if we really liked it here we would not feel like this.

As for our children one wishes to stay and one wishes to go home. The one wanting the UK is only 9 and we have tried to explain to him that once he has said hello and caught up that will be that. He has admitted that he will miss his friends he has made in NZ. I wondering if we will also feel like this once we have touched base with people and things familiar to us.

I know lots of people ping pong back and forth - I've not really got my head around why this is. Reading some threads on here people seem so excited about returning to the UK after a period of time and then crave to be back to where they relocated to.

I think nothing could prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster you experience being here.

I would have to admit to feeling isolated and lonely. My OH and children have settled reasonably well but then they have friends they see on a regular basis.

I agree with the reply about bringing emotional baggage with you wherever you move, being in another country just puts it under the microscope I think.

I must admit I am looking forward to returning to the UK but wonder how long this will last!
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Old May 5th 2009, 6:56 am
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Oh no - that's not long enough. You're suffering from Culture Shock - there's a thread on here somewhere about it and you'll see so much in it that explains how you're feeling. A 9 year old will settle especially if he's got friends here - you're just a bit homesick which is completely and utterly normal.

Are you working? If not, can you volunteer somewhere? nothing like thinking about other people to take your mind off yourself - and I don't mean that in a facetious way. I've got a friend here who has lost her job and until she finds another one that's what she's doing and she reckons it's a life saver.

The colleges here have really good night classes and really cheap - is there anything you fancy doing? I did a course of acting classes earlier in the year and it was great fun and great meeting people that I wouldn't normally have done.

Whereabouts are you exactly? If you're in the City and fancy a cup of coffee and a chat just give me a shout - I work in the Viaduct and there's loads of lovely places to sit and watch the world go by
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Old May 5th 2009, 2:47 pm
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Thumbs up Re: Second second thoughts

Hi there MissSunshine!

This is going to be a long post (consider yourself warned )

A similar thread occurred some time ago on another forum, and I quote my own post from that thread:

"I've lived in the UK and also in France to a lesser extent, and my sister and quite a few of my friends live abroad at the moment. We've often discussed how the adaptation to a new place and country seems to go in phases.

The first phase is when you may either contrast everything with the "old place" or alternatively may be so fascinated with the new place that you don't miss the old place at all. You may be fascinated with everything in the new place: all the differences are just exotic and exiting. Or alternatively everything may feel alien and wrong and you miss everything "back home".

In the next phase, usually after six months or so, you lose the rose-tinted glasses and begin to see cracks and flaws in the new life: the exoticness of the place and its customs starts to wear off and gradually you notice things and ways you do not like. You become disillusioned. This is often due to some difficulty, a dumb law or a custom that was so much better at home, or simply because you start to miss some of the things you left behind. Some of my friends have experienced quite an intensive period of sheer hate against the new place around this time. Alternatively, you may start to notice things that you like in the new country, you may make some new friends, you might realise that you are not alone with your feelings and start to find positive things about the new place you live in.

Then, if you've endured the second phase, little by little, you enter the third phase where you really start to adapt: you begin to live not in the past but in the present and you adjust to the new place and its customs. Little by little you get a sense of belonging and the new place becomes "home" and everything normalises. You can tell what is right and what is wrong with the new place, but in general you just enter a normal life with its ups and downs. But this seems to require letting go of the past and the old place -as long as "home" means "back home" inside your head and you let that world dominate the way you think, you'll be torn in two. This doesn't mean you can't miss your family and friends, but it sort of requires a shift in the way you perceive things. If you keep on thinking and referring to the old place as "home", you will never feel like home in the new country. If you are able to think the new place as your home, you will start feeling like you're at home. It seems to take around 1-2 years before most people achieve this phase.

My opinion is that the way we think and more importantly decide to think plays a big role in the process. It is possible to actively and consciously decide that "this place is my home now and I must call it a home and adapt to its customs". It's about changing you way of thinking and the habits you follow. I've noticed that those of my friends who have more or less decided that they _will_ settle in have done better than those who still look at things through their "old place" glasses. Of course there are things that are out of your control (sickness, loss of job etc) that will have an effect on your happiness, but those are beyond anyone's control. And of course it is harder to be positive if you are worried about your kids and family.

I am not a scientist, a psychologist or otherwise have a nice theory to back up my perceptions. These are just my own and my friends' perceptions on how the moving abroad process seems to go for a lot of people. And of course none of this applies to those expats who move abroad for a fixed period of time: they do not need to adapt that much as they know they are only visiting.

I hope that my message might help someone to realise that it all seems to go in phases and that everything happens gradually, and you don't have to feel like a fish in the water right away. You might still grow to like the new place and end up being happy."

Also:
Have you considered writing down the things that make you feel depressed? If you are able to name the issues, you might find a way to tackle them as well. Sometimes the demons in your head shrink considerably when they are given a name, and they become easier to defeat.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Mgee
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Old May 5th 2009, 3:59 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Perhaps you need to take time out from thinking and go away for a few days to experience a different place. Have you seen much of Auckland or the North Island? Sometimes, the fact you are not thinking so much clears your mind and you may seen NZ in a different light.

We had lived in quite a few areas of NZ but were still undecided about staying, then we looked around Auckland and that changed our mind.
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Old May 5th 2009, 5:55 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

I dont know you or your personal circumstances but i would think very carefully about coming back here, the place is beyond repair as a country unless you or your hubby have a very specialized job or are independently wealthy i would stay put

just my 2 p

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Old May 5th 2009, 6:56 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Hi - I can completely understand your feelings. I really struggled here initially - it was probably just homesickness. After the first 2 years it got much better and now we've been here nearly 4 years we're pretty well settled.

Good luck whatever you decide to do
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Old May 5th 2009, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Are you tied to Manukau? South Auckland is generally regarded (rightly or wrongly) as one of the worst bits of NZ. Maybe relocating to somewhere else in Auckland or wider NZ may be an easier option than traipsing back to UK?
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Old May 5th 2009, 8:59 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Originally Posted by MissSunshine View Post
We have made the decision to return to the UK and guess what I'm having second thoughts! What is the matter with me? I thought I would be really pleased and excited about seeing everyone and things that are familiar to me but I'm thinking how much this experience has cost us as a family of four and think is this the correct thing to do. Does anyone else suffer from severe indecision?
Hi,
Im sorry to hear that you feel like this, I do understand the feelings that you are having as we had them too. As others have said, it does take time and sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees.
We live very close to you. If you feel like you want to chat about these thoughts how about meeting up for a drink. We have never met any expats so it would be a new experience for us too.
We have been in NZ since Jan 2006 and it hasnt been easy, but if you are determined I think that goals can be reached.
Family pub opposite rainbows end could be a good place to start, let me know.
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Old May 5th 2009, 9:55 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Hi MissSunshine, so sorry to hear you feel like this right now. Have sent a pm.
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Old May 5th 2009, 10:32 pm
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Hi, you have not been here that long, I felt like that at times also, and still have off days, but been here nearly two years now, and regards to children , my eldest daughter has not settled, but for going back I wouldnt I remember why we left in the first place.

Im glad I live in Nz, not perhaps Wanganui some days! but their are other places to move to In NZ before you just go back to the UK, that's what we discussed for the future maybe nearer Auckland or even Oz. don't give up and go back I know a lot of people that have and regretted it.

And as for my eldest Daughter well we are not going to move back just for her, I have a youngest daughter who loves it here, at least she has the opportunity to go back to the Uk, Oz and Nz when shes old enough, more opportunity than the Uk will give her that's for sure.

anyway Im going for a holiday on 12th June the England i will let you know my daughters thoughts.

But dont throw in the towel just yet xxx
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Old May 6th 2009, 1:36 am
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Default Re: Second second thoughts

Hi Batty,

Could I just ask where you find out about the college courses? I picked up a leaflet from our local library in Manukau but haven't seen any others. I agree totally this is a great way to meet people who have a similar interest to you.

Would love to meet for a drink - will let you know when I am next in the city. Have just been told I have an interview tomorrow so maybe this will change my mind - who knows!

I think all the indecision is making matters worse but then I guess that's only natural.
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