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One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Old Mar 24th 2013, 9:28 pm
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Exclamation One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Emigrating really should come with a health warning! In hindsight I would advise anyone planning to make the move, before you get caught up in the whirlwind of the big move to have "that discussion" about what you will do if one of you doesn't settle and then write it down and both sign it !!!!

We lived in NZ for 5.5 years and have now been back in UK for 2 years. I always struggled to settle in NZ but generally got on with it as long as I had frequent (annual) UK visits planned to attend for example both my children's graduations and other important life events.

With my other half always refusing to fly back to the UK with me (having no close family ties and seeing no reason to go back to spend time with people he has no interest in), after a few years I got a bit fed up with using all my leave and flying alone all the time. I should add here that my very elderly parents were not able to travel to see us; if they could it would have made a world of difference.

So we moved back to UK. I pretty much love it here - I have a much better job than in NZ with great benefits and loads more annual leave and without the stress of feeling so far away from all the people that matter in life and the constant stress of long haul flights and saving up for this.

The other half absolutely hates it here and is so very depressed and can see no pleasure in any small thing over here - I never realised how depressed people can get and there is only one thing worse than being depressed - and that would living with someone who is.

In view of this awful situation I have offered to move back to NZ on so many occasions on condition of having regular joint visits back to UK but this has been declined due to the fact that pragmatically we are in our mid 50s and it would be very hard to find work again in NZ for both of us. We do both have fantastic jobs over here with pensions, I should add, that we simply could not replicate in NZ due to age and the need for additional training which is hard to get in mid 50s! Add to that the over valued kiwi currency at the moment and we would lose around a third of our life savings with such a move.

I have also agreed that we can retire in NZ - one of us has citizenship and the other PR with a IRRV. A sort of let' s look to go back in about 7 years plan but even this forward plan isn't enough to keep things on track apparently.

For both of us we really don't know which way to turn. I despair. I am now being accused by the other half on a daily basis of "ruining my life" through returning to the UK 2 years back.

I guess I write this as a call to others that if one of you loves a place and the other doesn't love it quite so much then it can get very very hard indeed; life was perfect for me (in UK) before we went and life was perfect for other half (in NZ) before we returned so each of us puts the blame at different crossroads in life.

Are we the only ping pong poms that feel like this?

It is so hard I just wish we had never emigrated in the first place some days but then I do also think it was so important to try it when we had the chance (it was me who found us the chance to go ironically!).

All The Best.
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 9:55 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

I wouldn't wish that situation on anybody but emigration is only one of many, many life-events that can cause this - and I suspect having it written down in advance and signed won't make it any better for anyone. Life events affect us all differently, crystal balls would be great but in many cases the law of unintended consequences will rear its head.

Hope you find a way through that doesn't involve you spending the nexty 7yrs on opposite sides of the planet.

Have you thought of a month holiday in NZ each year? (much of the cost would be the same as those annual joint trips but funded from UK salaries)....just a thought...

All the best.
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 10:20 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

I agree with simonsi, could you not split your time between UK and NZ when you retire. Maybe get a property over here that you can rent out whilst you are in the UK to get some income for when you come over
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 10:47 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Hi there FrequentFlyer from another pair of 50 somethings whose surviving parents were ( my Dad) and are ( his Mom) unable to make the trip to NZ . So we fund a trip back for OH every 18 months or so. Simply can't afford for us both to go that regularly.

This is a terrible situation for you both. Clearly, your OH simply didn't wish a UK return inside of himself even though he agreed at the time.

I never realised how depressed people can get and there is only one thing worse than being depressed - and that would living with someone who is.
Yes.

I've only read your post through once but I will say - and I am sure you know this already - that the depression needs to be addressed first , with support for you.

Neither of you can make life decisions whilst one of you is hounded by an enormous black dog and the other is shouldering everything else plus the emotional bag being thrown at you.

Bottom line from what you have written. An NZ return isn't practical, is it, for many reasons.

Your OH needs help to come to terms with his life. You can't do that by yourself. Believe me.
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 11:14 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

What about him coming back to NZ, while you stay in the UK? IF he can get another job, house, and so on all sorted out, then you will have a choice. At the moment you seem to be saying "We can't go back, so he's going to have to lump it."

This sort of problem can lead to divorce. Time to look at alternatives, before it gets to that stage, and someone says something they can't take back.

What would make you BOTH happy?

(And you lot can stop giving me The Look! Somebody had to say it!)
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 11:24 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

or maybe look at moving somewhere in between ?
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 12:13 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

A very sad post to read
But you are not in isolation with this problem. When we first moved to NZ, my hubby was not 100% behind the move. We both have very elderly parents also, so a visit from them is impossible. In 7 years we have had 3 UK visits together & I had 1 alone. His heart wasn't in our new life (he felt guilty as he is very close to his mam) this caused us many problems within our marriage. When I had my trip alone, our marriage was at breaking point. I even told him many times to go home & I would stay here. While I was away, was the turning point & he had 3 weeks alone to think. I was lucky, that while I was away he realised that NZ was actually home for him & that apart from family he had no future in the UK.
We also had good jobs in our UK life, but although money helps, it isn't everything. We have now moved away from being materialistic & have a different life here. Apart from family, there is nothing in our previous life that I miss now. We are probably in the same age bracket as yourselves & to us the most important thing in life now is for us both to be happy together. Without happiness you can't maintain good health & depression can be a terrible mental health illness that can take years to overcome. It sounds like he needs hope or a plan for the future to help him to overcome his illness.
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 1:39 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

It was my husband's idea to come to NZ to live, he's a kiwi. He said if we're both not happy then it's not working. The jury is still out on 'happy', so we just take one day at a time.
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 2:36 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

My husband and I both made the decision to come to NZ, and determined to make it work, and my girls are now happy which makes me happier, I'm never going back to the uk!!!

Life is what you make it
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 2:40 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by downunderpom View Post
(And you lot can stop giving me The Look! Somebody had to say it!)
Brave.
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 2:43 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by simonsi View Post
Brave.
+ 1
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 6:11 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by love30stm View Post
+ 1
Not me - I'm hiding behind an IP address!
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 6:54 am
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by downunderpom View Post
Not me - I'm hiding behind an IP address!
You can run but you can't hide....from BE karma at least :-)
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 8:05 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by FrequentFlyer View Post

The other half absolutely hates it here and is so very depressed and can see no pleasure in any small thing over here - I never realised how depressed people can get and there is only one thing worse than being depressed - and that would living with someone who is.

In view of this awful situation I have offered to move back to NZ on so many occasions on condition of having regular joint visits back to UK but this has been declined due to the fact that pragmatically we are in our mid 50s and it would be very hard to find work again in NZ for both of us.

For both of us we really don't know which way to turn. I despair. I am now being accused by the other half on a daily basis of "ruining my life" through returning to the UK 2 years back.
Hi
I think you need to get the best possible treatment for your OH's depression - whether chemical, counselling or both. His approach is not logical. You have agreed to return despite your own preference to stay in the UK, you have agreed to retire back to NZ but neither is good enough for him and he is accusing you of ruining his life on a daily basis.

If you did return to NZ (which in your shoes I would not do) there is no guarantee he would be any happier - it could be some kind of mid-life crisis.
Good luck it is an awful dilemma but since you have lived in NZ for 5 years and returned to better economic circumstances in UK, I think there comes a point where 'money does have to talk'....at least til retirement.

How come he is not willing to try out frequent holidays back to NZ, just like you had to do? Has he been back yet in the 2 years?

Last edited by luvwelly; Mar 25th 2013 at 8:09 pm.
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Old Mar 25th 2013, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: One of us is Happy, One of us is Very Unhappy

Originally Posted by MrsFychan View Post
or maybe look at moving somewhere in between ?
Then neither party is happy lol
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