Just in case you were getting homesick .......
Mar 22nd 2009, 5:22 am
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2009
Location: Mairangi Bay, North Shore
Posts: 50
Just in case you were getting homesick .......
This is (I am told) a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at
Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided
to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to
your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal,
carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St
Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in
Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves
kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which
rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any
time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging
through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded
chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn
their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is
lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and
legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the
kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with
worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into
and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night
of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants
around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing
a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what
policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one
of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of
giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest
me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at
the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the
problems you have encountered in trying to contact the
police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like
to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
contact details (address / telephone number) and when may
be suitable.
Regards
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward
these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its
own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St
Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up
a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache
on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes
taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or
being Christian without due care and attention, is it too
much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no
more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are
both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par
Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if
the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should
feel free to contact me on <DATE. If after 25 minutes
I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one
in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky
that you don't work for the cleansing department, with
whom I am also in contact
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at
Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided
to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to
your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal,
carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St
Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in
Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves
kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which
rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any
time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging
through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded
chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn
their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is
lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and
legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the
street with them and I've just finished decorating the
kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with
worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into
and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night
of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants
around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing
a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what
policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one
of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of
giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest
me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at
the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the
problems you have encountered in trying to contact the
police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like
to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
contact details (address / telephone number) and when may
be suitable.
Regards
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward
these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next
book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its
own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St
Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up
a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache
on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes
taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or
being Christian without due care and attention, is it too
much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no
more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are
both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par
Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if
the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should
feel free to contact me on <DATE. If after 25 minutes
I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one
in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky
that you don't work for the cleansing department, with
whom I am also in contact
Mar 22nd 2009, 8:03 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Papamoa...Sunshine Paradise!!
Posts: 434
Re: Just in case you were getting homesick .......
brillant!! Now, why can't I ever write emails like that?
