imcaufieldholt

Hi, this will be a bit long so please be patient.
I have a job offer to start on the 3rd of July 2017. Very very excited about this.
I have a family with a daughter in year 10 (15 years old) and a son in year 7 (12 years old).
My daughter has just been discharged from an eating disorder hospital last week, we are very happy, but it has belatedly dawned on me that with 1 year before GCSEs, her love of her school and strong social network, moving her over to NZ to live and go to school may not be the wisest thing. Especially as we as parents are scared stiff of a relapse.
So we are toying with having her complete her GCSEs at her UK school next year, which would mean hopping back and forth through the year to the UK for me and my wife being with my daughter, but spending UK holidays in NZ. We have discussed this with my daughter and she really likes it and we have savings to cover the costs.
Then hopefully if all goes well in 2018 we could all join permanently up in NZ. Especially as I'm guessing resident visas may take a while to process and a work visa for me should be quick (23 days?) to be approved.
I have a slight issue of convincing my future employer of this plan......
That aside I was wondering if:
- Anyone else has done something similar?
- Has/had a child with an eating disorder and was the experience of moving positive and there is the support in NZ.
- Had a child move just before major exams and thoughts on this?
- just general thoughts I guess

Many thanks in advance.... please be nice :-)

Spacecake799

Hi,
I actually know nothing about your questions but do have thoughts and some experience of not having all your family with you.
Not ignoring your daughters illness but just putting that added issue to one side.
Have you all been to New Zealand? Its a long way, at 15 to try and fit into school and make lasting friends is not easy for anyone that age.
I imagine you would have to be in a very good in demand job in order to ask an employer to allow you to leave every few months for what 3-4 weeks?
What if your daughter meets someone, she will be 16 next year?
What if you have moved over and then she decides she wants to stay here?

We waited 3 years after our 16 year old met a boy, and we ended up leaving her in NZ when we left.
Make sure this is a worthwhile opportunity because it can break families up. Its different when your a couple, its different when you have very young children. Its no longer a nice idea for you and your wife though when the kids get to that age, its much harder.

Good luck with whatever you decide

imcaufieldholt

Thank you for the reply.
With regards to her meeting someone, she is quite an immature 15yo so feels unlikely, but I guess that is a risk worth taking. Right now she is the most focused person on her school work I've ever seen as is her social circle :-) As for moving and her wanting to be in the U.K., again we'd just look at that at the time.
I feel the job is a worthwhile one and great for my career (IT, very specialised).
As to whether the employer will go for it.... I'm writing to them tonight and we will see. All I know is that this job was offered to me this time last year and when my daughter was admitted to hospital I had to decline. They did not find anyone else and we picked up this offer again a couple of months ago after a conversation about my daughters recovery. I know that globally this is a hard role to fill, so I'm hoping we can come to some arrangement.
My wife and I have both worked in NZ, but that was before kids!

chawkins99

My gut reaction here is "Don't do it". Too many red flags.

You have a 15 year-old daughter with psychological problems (yes, an eating disorder is psychological). 15 is a hugely emotional age, particularly with girls. You've already stated she is immature.

Do you believe you could survive a year or more of a long-distance marriage? I spent a couple of years working away from home and it almost destroyed our marriage (this was only 200 miles away and I was home most weekends). Yes, some can make it work but this will add to your daughter's stress levels as well as you and your wife. You also have a son to consider. Teen years are about the worst time to uproot kids.

What if your daughter has a relapse and ends up back in hospital with you 12,000 miles away?

Have you also considered the added problems of maintaining 2 homes?

You obviously have doubts yourself so I say listen to them.

MrsFychan

please also bear in mind the changes for visas coming in August and what it would mean on who can gain what visa and who can and cannot be added to the main applicant. On the temporary work visas only the main applicant can apply to come and work, anyone else will have to come on visitors and student visas and if they want to uplift more permanent visas have to apply off their own skills so just something else to muddy the waters possibly.

If the job is that specialised cannot you not work from the UK until your daughter has had a longer recovery period and has done her exams.?

geoff52

I always put family first and career second. Looking back on my life I have no regrets.

imcaufieldholt

Thank you. Wow!
So to get in the job asap I assumed I should get a temporary work visa, but also immediately apply for the Skilled Migrant Visa, so I can work while that processes for us all.
I guess I'd better phone up immigration asap.
Thanks for the heads-up!
Last year I did raise working from the UK but they really wanted someone to go around the teams in the various offices. The role has changed so that condition may also be different. I'll raise this and keep my fingers crossed.

imcaufieldholt

And that is a very good code to live by...... probably one I should heed.
I'm just too excited about finally making a dream come true and in a job space that will be exciting..... I guess everyone is getting dragged along ;-)

Pulaski

This is good advice.

I have said a number of times here on be that I would sooner saw off my right arm than move a teenager between schools - even in the same country, and if they didn't have a history of psychological problems. I can't imagine anything but the most dire circumstances that would cause us to move even our ten year old daughter between schools now.

vikingsail

simonsi

Ignoring anything else, this is a huge potential problem as I see it. The schooling and exam sequencing and resulting qualification is SO different I can't see this being anything other than a recipe for some kind of failure.

There are private schools here that do the iGCSE syllabus and exams but even those are geared around the NZ school year (so exams in October, not June for instance).

LoCarb

Sent you a Private Message

imcaufieldholt

Can you expand on the huge potential problem part?

I can appreciate that NCEA and iGCSE are different styles/content.
Do you mean that it would be better to forget the UK GCSEs and jump into NZ Year 10 in July, then do NCEA Level 1 in year 11?
Or do you mean find an iGCSE school, again repeat part of NZ Year 10 before taking iGCSEs in NZ Year 11?
Rather than do GCSEs in the UK then sit through the remainder of NZ Year 11 from July 2018 as catchup, and join the NCEA Level 2.

simonsi

Doesn't pass (or even take) GCSE, doesn't pass NCEA is worst (but quite likely) outcome.

Switching students between public exam systems in the syllabus years (so 9/10 for GCSE), is just a recipe for qualification disaster. I really don't understand how you can consider it otherwise - especially as higher courses tend to require pre-req passes as entry requirements (and common sense says the same.

How you avoid it is up to you (I can't comment on how well your daughter would cope with either a switch mid-year, a repeat 6mths - bear in mind it is whether syllabus is repeated that is important, not time - or a skip 6mths and catchup scenario), but I'd suggest you avoid it.

bourbon-biscuit

All this irrelevant. Your daughter has a severe psychological disorder and you say she has friends and support where she lives now. I have never said this on a forum before or indeed to anyone irl, but what the hell are you thinking?

No, no, no. Stay put, see her through to adulthood safely and then reassess.

Even your plan to seesaw between the UK and NZ is far too disruptive for her.