Re: Homesick!
 

Hi I'm new to this forum and I've taken heart reading other people's stories. I've only been here 9 weeks and homesickness is kicking in. My kids (7 &10)aren't settling in to their schools very well (say the works too hard). They've both gone up a year at school and the literacy seems a lot harder than in the UK. I'm in the Wellington area if anyone else is out there.

I feel very isolated at the moment and am wondering whether I've done the right thing. My husbands really happy which makes it even harder for me.

We've got all our stuff and bought a house but it doesn't feel like home. The neighborhood is very nice and people seem friendly enough but I just want to stop feeling so low.

I have joined the local running club which is good and I've got a few contacts through the kids school/clubs.

Any advice would be great.

Michelle :(

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Hi Michelle,
Why dont you move your kids into the year below, my daughters 13 and should have gone to college for her age. We spoke to the college principal who was from England and he advised us to put her into year 8 Intermediatte school. Year 8 was actually the year she was in when we left England in November. Whilst she does'nt find the work hard i new this was exactly the right place for her. My other 2 children went into the same year they were in when we left. When the kids are happier you will be. I find it hard especially as i need a job but cant find one to fit in with school holidays. I always said we would give it a year before making any desicions. Good Luck
Carole:thumbsup:

Re: Homesick!
 

Hi Michelle,

Sorry you are feeling down. Hoping you feel better soon. I am up & down like a tart's knickers!! There are no easy answers & I certainly haven't got them ;) . I will be in touch more soon, just moving into our house this week, so life is very hectic. Hang in there Michelle.
love Annie

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Hey Midge71
We are in the Wellington area too and have definately had our highs and lows. We've been here for 7 months and we try to see it as an adventure rather than permanent. Can't really make a decision yet as there is still so much we miss about old Blighty. Anyway you're not alone and we would be more than happy to meet up sometime, to compare notes!

All the best for now

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I think this is an important lesson for everyone. Why on earth haul yourself over to the other side of the world if you have a good life in the first place?

It reminds me of the Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown tells Lucy about 'the other side of the hill'. He tells her that when he grows up he plans to travel over the hill (that he can see in the distance) and when he gets to the other side his life will be full of happiness.

Lucy asks him "What if there is somebody on the other side of that hill thinking the same thing now?"

Charlie Brown yells "DON'T DO IT"!!!!!!

Re: Homesick!
 

If it's any help you are probably just going through the standard stages of 'culture shock'

First stage is excitement...second stage is depression...third stage is acceptance....fourth stage is feeling content with the situation.

(I'm paraphrasing a bit)

Sounds like you are in stage two at the moment, with time and effort you'll soon be in stage three! Good luck:thumbup:

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Yes however that is not helping or positive towards those that do want to go home. Glad you are happy and that you enjoy NZ and that you find the UK so bad. I for one don't. I found all of those things worse in NZ where we lived, except the Bliar thing. (so Helen is better than Blair??? ARe you joking??)

Enjoy. Live and let live and if someone is homesick, no need to rant about the place they are homesick for.

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Thanks for the comments - Well it's been 3 months now! Everyone's happy and doesn't ever want to go back - except I'm still having my moments. It's times when I'm speaking to my Mum on skype and she tells me her best friend just died at 56yrs old and I just want to be there to give her a hug and I can't. My Sister is due for another baby in November and it will be walking and talking before I see it. I think this countries beautiful and everyone is so friendly - I just feel I being un-grateful and a moaning Pom most of the time. My husband wants me to feel happy here and has even offered to install a dvs or heatpump to stop me feeling so cold Ah... it's not even winter and I feel cold in the mornings! How am I going to cope. Anyone else fitted double glazing/central heating or just a heatpunp to keep warm?

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We got a heat pump installed last year and has been great for those "Crying Windows", good for AC in the summer too! (If you are lucky enough to experience a summer in NZ usually get one for about 3 weeks in mid January)

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A heat pump will be the best investment you have ever made, we got one and wondered how we ever lived with out it.

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Blimey.... where r u living then? Its been gorgeous now for months and months.... its the first day of winter this week and I'm still wearing sun top and 3/4 jeans.... its that warm.....yes, its chilly now at night-times and I love my new electric blanket but the days are still beautiful and the summer/autumn has been really long.

Glad to hear things are a bit better for you now Midge. I've been here nearly 2 years now and was just talking to my friend this morning about how homesick I am.... she feels the same way, especially as her father has been taken ill this week. We both agree that we love it here but wish we werent quite so far from loved ones.

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What does it do?

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Pumps heat

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:rofl:

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:eek::rofl:

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Your not ungrateful or moaning, thats why this site was created so those of us already abroad could reach out to others going through the same thing. A trouble shared is a trouble halved :)

It's only natural to feel the way you do, don't forget you've made a life changing move so don't give yourself such a hard time. No matter how much someone prepares or researches you can never prepare yourself for the homesickness because you won't know how little or how much it will effect you until you go through it. Its not whinging to express how you are feeling, to keep it all locked in won't help you or your family as you need to support each other. I promise every day it will get a little easier. On a down day try and remember all the reasons why you wanted to move in the first place, it won't make you feel less homesick but it will help you feel more positive about everything. It took me about 2 years to stop feeling really homesick. I've been in the US for 10 years and still get the odd bad day and of course when something happens to someone back in the UK I feel really guilty for not being there to help, but then I remember what a wonderful childhood our son has experienced and the opportunities that he now has in front of him. It's worth the odd day of homesickness and I'm sure you will reach that point too one day. In the meantime pop on here anytime for a moan, we all understand .. honest :D

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Hi Annie

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. :( We're not in NZ yet so I can't offer any NZ specific advice. We've moved 10 times in the last 15 years, and even though I say I won't get close to people, I always do and then end up bawling when we go. The first 3 moves were without children so I completely understand how awful it is when the house is empty and you just want to be occupied.

For me, being physically busy around other people really helps. I don't have bags of confidence and so I find it hard to break into established groups. The two best 'strategies' I've found have been aerobics!!!! It sounds nuts, but there's no time for long awkward silences as people rush to and from - but after time you become familiar and friendships start - my 3 best friends here I met through the gym and wouldn't have survived without them.

The other for me, was volunteering with a local disabled riding group. I had no experience, they just wanted people who could turn up for an hour once week on a regular basis - to help with fitting riding hats etc. It was fab, there's something soothing about animals that seems to bring like minded people together. I got to know our group of riders really well, and looked forward to spending time with them - they were a pretty cheeky bunch. The other 10 volunteers were lovely. They were all ages from every walk of life, and we became good friends. I was nervous of the horses to begin with, so just walked at the back of the group wearing a bright yellow bib and gradually got more involved!!! I wish I'd discovered it years ago, it's one of the first organizations I look for now when we move. I'm embarrassed to say I volunteer, as I enjoy it so much I think I benefit more than the riders!!

Hope you find what ever works for you, something will fall into your lap when you least expect it. The good life changing moments seem to sneak up on you from behind. :)

Kathy

PS, sorry to waffle on so much - we've been out for dinner and I've had a little more 'ribena' than I'm used to. :o

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Hi Kathy,
Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts. It helps to know that others have felt the same way too. I have been here just over 4 months now & am gradually finding my feet (the older I get the longer it seems to take for me to adapt to change). I am gradually making friends, I have been lucky enough to meet up with Karen2000 & Hayleyt from this site on a number of occasions (as well as a number of others,one evening in Takapuna).

I have started going to the leisure centre a couple of times per week & I'm on nodding terms with a few people. I have my down days but they are gradually reducing in number:thumbsup:. I am planning to do some voluntary conservation work & have also applied for a job, so I'm sure it will come together soon.

As long as you enjoyed the "ribena", it doesn't matter how much you have!

Love Annie x

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How true is that! Pretty much sums up how I feel about my life here in OZ

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Hi AnnieNell.

It seems we share the same sense of humour [What do heat pumps do ? - pump heat ! :lol:] I wasn't being flippant about homesickness. Honest injuns. I've had my fair share of that and then some .

We came to New Zealand three years ago. Like you we have no children ,which wasn't by our choice either. It's the hand we were dealt in life. I have wondered in the past if it's easier or quicker to build a network if you have the school run and kids to bring you closer to parents already in the area but my conclusion is that its no easier for those with kids as for those without.

People were quite welcoming and friendly. We met people through the firm my husband worked for and had a few invites but I still felt like an invisible person for a good nine months or so. I was on nodding terms with people in the village and we would have chats but nothing that made me feel more settled.

We had a great circle of close friends back in the UK, and I suppose I was missing that big-time. Everything was familiar and easy. My friends , my family were around me and I knew every inch of my home town.

Plonk ! I find myself in NZ village life. Husband out to work and after all the ups and down of the big move across the world, I found myself in a vacuum.

My poor husband went through some hard evenings with me. I did all the I WANT TO GO HOME stuff and bawled my eyeballs out until they looked like huge great gob-stoppers. Then I'd feel bad for moaning on at him after his hard day at work.

Looking back , I wonder why I thought I wouldn't be hit with homesickness. It's all so natural to feel homesick isn't it . We leave so much we care about behind when we make the huge life changing decisions to emigrate to another country.

I still get the odd wave of homesickness now, three years later, but in my heart I do feel we did the best thing for ourselves by emigrating.Our decision was good for us.

We now have a small set of really wonderful close friends who are like family to us & loads of other pals that we get together with. We have built a new life slowly and steadily & live in a wonderful place .

I didn't join clubs and stuff in the end ,although I do have a little part-time job. My new NZ life seemed to simply come to me in the end. I looked up one day and felt more settled. I had friends and plenty of things I enjoyed doing.

It'll come AnnieNell. It's that old thing - Time.

If you were in Nelson I'd say come on over.
Meanwhile, if you feel blue and lonesome , you share it here .We are all here to lend an eye and a shoulder.

Re: Homesick!
 

We've made the decision to go back in 12 months - I just don't think I can miss seeing my parents or siblings for years at a time - I'd rather be happy and broke going back knowing I can be there for them rather than worrying about the expense of seeing them only every 3 years. I'm not convinced the education system is any better or worse than in the UK as my kids are especially gifted at maths and it's like hitting your head against a brick wall trying to get them more challenging work. I know I could do more at home but I want them to enjoy school and not be bored. We're going to try and enjoy the rest of our time here and see more of New Zealand but at least I'll know that the kids wont have grown too much by the time they see their gran-parents in the flesh again. Oh well it's a life experience if an expensive one - at least we'll take some new values back - spend more time as a family and see more of whats around - spending time together doesn't have to cost loads of money.

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[QUOTE=BEVS here;4849196]Hi AnnieNell.

It seems we share the same sense of humour [What do heat pumps do ? - pump heat ! :lol:] I wasn't being flippant about homesickness. Honest injuns. I've had my fair share of that and then some .

Thanks for sharing your thoughts & feelings. I have just read that some people are upset by us laughing at the statement "pumps heat" but it just tickled me. I didn't mean it nastily. It's only my sense of humour that has got me through my darkest days, so I refuse to lose it just because some people are upset by it.

Sorry to hear that you are in the same position as us re:children. It is our greatest sadness & not something we will ever get over, also my job(midwife) doesn't help.

I did expect to have difficult days before we arrived but I just hate having to live through them. I'm impatient to be settled:ohmy:. However I am having more up days than down now so I'm getting there & now feel settled enough to look for work:eek:.

Thanks for the shoulder.
Annie

Re: Homesick!
 

Hi Midge,

Just wanted to wish you luck in the future. Be proud that you were brave enough to move your life to NZ. So it's not for you, so what, you've given it a go. Only you know what is right for you & your family, it is not for others to judge you or deride the choices you make.

The pull of family & friends is strong & the UK is a long way away. Both mine & Dave's parents are not well enough to come here, so I have times when I feel so sad & guilty for leaving them (though they are supportive of us). I think most people on BE understand how you feel.

I know it's difficult to try not to think about how much you've spent on emigrating, but your happiness is the most important thing. Think of the experiences you as a family can have in NZ & the broader education it provides the children with. Their friends in the UK will be jealous of some of the things they can see & do here. So do explore the Country before you leave & take some incredible memories home with you.

love Annie x

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I'm sure you didn't mean it nastily Annie.
Pleccy2000 has been around the forums for a good three years . I would be surprised if he was offended TBH. He is one that can totally relate to homesickness and was/is the first ping-pong pom I posted with.:p He's made of good stuff.

Are we related Annie ? ;) Neither my Dad or Phils Mum will ever be able to come to NZ to visit & that can be very tough to live with at times. We didn't go back for two years but have now been back twice and hope to return for a month again this September. That's helped enormously. All our spare cash goes into making it happen & its so worth it.

Midge71. Good on yer for whatever you decide to do. Its a brave decision to move your family around the world and it doesn't matter in which direction you are going. Its still to be admired and respected.

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Thanks - being able to spill my thoughts out really helps and knowing that people understand helps too. My OH is really sad at the moment and can't understand what's gone wrong as we were all really looking forward to making a new life and giving it a go - well maybe I under-estimated what life means to me. I want the best for my kids but have come to conclusion that they will be what they will be where ever they live or go to school. I'm sure they'd be happier if I was happier too. I just hope I don't regret my/our decision.

Midge

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God it was cold last night - haven't they heard of central heating out here!!! Condensation on the windows was really bad too. I am still feeling really guilty about wanting to go back home and am having really bad days where I'll cry for a whole day at a time - I wake up with knots in my stomach, that's if I get any sleep. Well I decided to go to the docs to see if they could help - they gave me some anti-depressants but I'm not sure whether to take them or not because of the side effects - will they get me through the next few months or only mask the homesick problem? Anyone else had them for homesickness?:unsure:

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Have PM'd you:)

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I read that as 'decided to go to the docks' for a few seconds, which certainly gave me a start!

I wouldn't think, for what my opinion's worth, that homesickness can be cured by taking tablets. Personally I'd stay off them, but that's just my opinion.

You might find (as others have done) that homesickness is a bit like the 'flu and just has to run its course. I've known (and read about) people who suffered much as you are suffering now, but after 6 months to a year were quite happily settled in their new home. Homesickness was just an unpleasant but necessary period of adjustment.

I wouldn't think tablets such as antidepressants, that have a tendency to inhibit our mental capabilities, could be seen as a long term solution but more as a short term comfort. And let's be honest, if you are having doubts about taking medication then you probably shouldn't take it.

All the best,

Re: Homesick!
 

Did your GP say you had depression? If he/she did, I would seriously consider taking them. Crying for days at a time, unable to sleep, constant knots in your stomach: this is serious stuff, not just wistfully missing home a bit. As a mental health nurse I can only urge you to see your GP again and discuss the tablets with him, possibly look at some form of counselling. Don't feel you are wasting his time: this is having a bad effect on your whole being and that of your family. You don't need to feel this bad and feel you are on your own with it. I know I could have PM'd you about this but feel as you have shared it with us, I would openly encourage you to take it further.
Please let us know how you get on.
Karma to you
Hope you start feeling better really soon, Karen B

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OK - Still here and have had the house up for sale for months - help! If we can't sell then we can't get back. Do you ever get the feeling things are not going your way? Anyone want to move to Tawa? Why hasn't it warmed up yet?

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Hi there Midge,
have just been reading last few posts on this thread, and was wondering how things were for you now.
I worry terribly about homesickness, and I'm not there yet, (will be in 3 weeks), just hope its like some have said, that we can work through it, and in time it will get better.
Maybe it won't be as bad as I expect.
Marika

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Well we've been here 7 months now - and the worst time still seems to be at the weekends when we used to visit parents. I have just been offered a job so maybe it might be the turning point and I might start settling down - and the sun's quite nice too when it comes out. The kids seem happy as long as we're happy - they fit in where ever they are. Skype has been good for speaking to my Mum (when Dad turns the computer on - Mums useless) and my sister - and even my 80yr old Grandad!

I think in time things will get better but everyones' different.

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[QUOTE=AnnieNell;4849320]That reminds me of a sketch on 'Alas Smith and Jones' years ago....about inept staff in shops like Currys......'This is a good hifi because it's got a graphic equaliser.'
'What does that do exactly?' 'Well it equalises the graphics of course'.

Someone once said there are only 7 jokes in the whole world....maybe they're right. I'm totally useless at remembering jokes and have no idea why this one stuck.

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In my opinion you NEED a job in NZ to get along. Otherwise you end up a billy no mates. Most people underestimate just how hard it is to break into established social networks here. Kiwi's are a friendly bunch but developing friendships is tough, especially if you are alone without kids.It's very hard to make friends here - I was used to a social life involving bbq's before I came where friends and strangers gathered around the bbq, and had the chance to bond over a few cold ones, but here I haven't experienced it, yet. HAd more bbq's in England so far...:thumbdown:.

Re: Homesick!
 

Must admit I have made quite a few contacts through the local running club I joined and having kids has helped with their clubs too - the trouble is everyones too busy running the kids about to have time to socialise and the weather is so hit and miss for bbqs at the moment. The other problem is the kids in NZ have grown up together since Kindy (or playschool) and the mothers already have their social clicks too so I know what you mean. We took the kids into Wellington today and they had a go on the indoor climbing wall at FergsKayaks if anyone wanted something to do on a wet afternoon - recommend it. Oh well the weather's got to cheer up soon.;)

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Good one! I must give fergs a crack

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It is hard being away, sometimes even though you're happy where you are - you'd give your right arm for 20 minutes in your Nan's kitchen once a month! or even once every few months. My Nan's 85 and between her hearing, her sherry :eek: and the skype delay it can be tricky sometimes.

Hopefully you'll really enjoy your new job, and it'll be the beginning of a 'social circle' that is all about you. (Not your OH's job or the children) You only need to click with one person to make a massive difference. What ever you decide long term will be right for you, but good on you for trying new and different things :thumbsup: Keep us posted, it would be good to hear how you get on.

:)

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Hi, I am also feeling homesick, been here just over 3 months and it has kicked in bad today, I Have kids 2 girls, one is 14 and she is having a bad time settling, crying and screaming one day, and the next ok, so when shes unhappy Im unhappy, and I dont work at the moment although I am going on a computer course next week and looking into voluntary work, I feel like billy no mates at the moment, I wish I could just meet someone once a week for a coffee and chat, anyway how are you today?

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hi jacky here....you sound like me about 6 weeks ago,my daughter was a nightmare and it was putting massive strain on garry and i,

at one point started pricing flights home as i thought it would never change....but gradually she began to accept things....we have told her that we will be going back home at some point,possibly 2009...she still gets her bad moments,she has a good cry then goes shopping and feels better,:thumbsup:


its a hard age for them to settle,and you can't settle till they do...
but when she started going into school and being happy it was like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders...
i meet up every thursday with group of ex pats,off this forum,lovely crowd..and we go power walking sometimes during week,that has made a huge difference....

i'm just sorry we are not in your area to meet up with you,i'm sure someone in your area will be in touch soon.....i also joined a gymn on monday,its a womens gymn....its called configure...might be a good way to meet some other people .....

your daughter probably won't settle till she has accepted her new life here...she obviously just hasn't reached that point yet,but trust me she will and probably quite soon given the time you have been here....fingers crossed....jacky

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Thanks Jacky

Shes only been in the school for a couple of weeks, because we had to wait until we moved into the zoned area, I just keep talking to her and listening to her, she goes up and down, on the other hand my husband and my youngest daughter of 11 loves it.

She keeps in touch with her friends home and they are saying they miss her and it doesnt help when people at her school ask her why shes moved here its boring!!! Grrrrr!! and also the school long skirt uniform doesnt work, she is just focused on how great England was, but she forgets why we came here and she was quite happy to come. I wish I was in your area dont know of any expats or any groups here in Wanganui.