ohdearydear

I’ve not posted here before so thought I should provide a little about myself in the first instance…before I start my rant and you all think that I’m a moaner!!!

My family (me, my husband and daughter) moved to New Zealand in January. It was a hard decision for us at the time and we didn’t rush into it with our eyes closed so said that we would get two year work visas and only then decide which life is best. My DH was working crazy hours in London and when our DD was born last year we took a hard look at our lives and decided that we wanted a better life for our family – more family time, the same ‘safe’ upbringing that we’d had and a good environment. We had been to NZ two years beforehand so knew what it was like. Rather stupidly, I was always optimistic back home. I never said a bad word about it and was always enthusiastic about Skype and keeping in touch with people – as were they with me. Perhaps sorting out the dogs travel (before January 1st), arranging removal companies and packing up keeping me too occupied to think about it seriously.

In reality things have not quite gone the way I had envisioned! With our dogs we struggled to find a rental property (I refused to look at some because they were so disgusting). We found one the same weekend as our holiday home was due to finish but it has no heating, no double glazing and it’s flippin’ freezing in the evenings – I won’t even get started on having to mop up the window sills every morning from condensation or the mouldy curtains. The landlord told us that he would be putting heat pumps in (he told us in February) but we’re still waiting. He doesn’t seem the most reliable of people if truth be told. We HAD to buy an oil heater for our daughter’s room when the temperature dropped to 10 degrees one night (during the “weather bomb”!).

Within a month of starting his job my DH was working all hours again and we had simply moved 12,000 miles away for the same life but a different view from the window. Thankfully it’s calmed down a lot now and he’s home for DD’s bedtime (which would never have happened in the UK) but it doesn’t take away the feeling of loss I have and also the fact that I know it won't be long before he's not in for bedtime again.

My friends who were so enthusiastic about skype calls appear to have moved on (bit too quick for my liking!). I’ve had one skype call from a friend who is visiting in February but I really got the impression that she was only speaking to me for hints and tips – I don’t care though, it was lovely to speak to her...anyone! I speak with my family at least once a week but I can see and hear the pain every time. It’s all very well and good saying that you’ve got a time slot but my parents aren’t so young nowadays and I can see them absolutely knackered to be speaking to me at gone 9pm!!!

I am a T1 diabetic which would be cost-free in the UK and although I knew that I would be moving here to pay for my prescriptions I never realised that it would be so much. There’s so much that I’m missing from home - the NHS being the main one - like Robinsons, Heinz (whoever said that Watties tomato soup is the same is a liar), good cheese at an affordable price and central heating! I cannot believe the cost of toiletries, food and general living here. I’m in the capital so I wonder if that has something to do with it – London is more expensive than Kent for example. There is so much that I wish I’d brought with me – Pampers nappies being a prime example. I’m also 4 months pregnant adding to my ‘missing my own Ma’ feelings!

I feel very lonely and tried to join the mother and baby groups but have found a lot of the kiwi mothers not to be the friendliest bunch of people. I’ve also found it strange how much people swear in front of their children (without wanting to sound like a prude – I find it very hard to not swear some days!!) – including radio and is there not a watershed on TV?!

On a good note, I’m being much more optimistic now that I’ve met a lady who emigrated just after us. She is going through some very similar feelings to me so it’s great to have someone to talk to that understands. I’m hoping that it will help me feel more settled.

Basically, I’m not sure what I want to ask (or whether I just needed to vent)…..does it get better?! I appreciate that you can’t tell me if I’ve made the right/wrong decision to move here. How many have moved here and after two years still feel the same way about going home – be it go or stay? My DH really likes it here so I suspect that one of us will have to make a compromise at some point and already know that I won't want to be selfish and say to go home if he's happy here.

vcf49

We moved to Singapore last year. I was pregnant and at the time our UK families were in reasonable health. We struggled to find anywhere that was affordable and not out in the middle of nowhere, but we managed to tough it out and find somewhere acceptable (although it is on a high floor and our baby is about to start crawling!). We had to pay the extortionate costs to delivery our gorgeous baby and the ongoing paediatricians costs - so we miss the NHS too, but the healthcare here was amazing and worth every penny as baby was a complicated delivery. The people who promised to 'keep in touch' or 'definitely come visit' have either gone conspicuously quiet or admitted they haven't bothered to save any money so won't be coming as they'd rather spend their money on other things. The health of various UK relatives has deteriorated, and in some cases, quite considerably, which leaves us 7,000 miles away and feeling helpless. I spend some of my time very grateful for what we have but I then find the rest of the time resenting that my husband is working longer hours than before (for the same salary) and this was supposed to be a move we made to improve our overall lifestyle, not so he could work an extra 6 hours a day and miss out on our baby growing up. You are not alone though and nor is it specific to NZ - but at least the 'safety net' of returning to the UK is always there. Things may always get easier and I really hope they do work out for you all.

Snap Shot

Um, sorry that you're struggling. I live two and a half hour's drive from the capital. My kiwi husband is there today on business. We came here for my husband's job at the end of last June. Thankfully that got us out of our disastrous start to life in New Zealand as we arrived in Christchurch 3 weeks after the February earthquake which we knew had happened but it was to late to change our plans. We spent three and a half unhappy months in a freezing cold rented house whilst looking for work which was not forthcoming. Broke ? We had to hand the rental car back to save costs. We were going to the supermarket on the bus to collect the weekly groceries & we put them in our old back packs so we weren't carrying 6 carrier bags each.

Except for having a baby with another on the way and Skype I can relate to all you say. Including Watties (bleugh ! disgusting) tomato soup. Me and Watties were destined never to get on, but somehow I've managed to find some of their soup which replicates the description and picture on the tin ! Are they still making soup from concentrate as well ? How far back into the 1970's are we going with this ? Well the condensed mushroom soup is good for sauces....anyway, I digress.

Also, you're probably up and down emotionally because of being pregnant and not liking where you are living. I hope you don't struggle to much when your baby is born in October when you need your mum the most.

Unfortunately I don't really know what to say. I had a chance instant message session with my sister via Facebook when we lived in Christchurch, because of the time difference she needed to go to bed after about five minutes. I genuinely felt, 'don't go' at the end of it. So I can relate to how you feel. I phone my Dad on occasion but I usually get his answering machine. He just treats my calls as recorded bulletins and does not feel the need to reply.

The biggest problem would be what job your husband could get and when, should you return to Britain. Not least all the expense of your return. When we were making plans to leave Christchurch we faced the reality of returning to Britain on credit cards because we had spent all our start up money, as planned on rent, groceries and bills. We would have been homeless, broke, in debt and unemployed in Britain during the recession from hell.

Fortunately my husband was offered a job plus relocation package to the town where we are now. Yeah, it reads like a soap opera doesn't it ? Life's like that.

I'm still unemployed. This upsets me. Many is the time I'm alone in the house in tears and self-talk because of it. I've had the sum total of 5 job interviews since the end of last June, none of them resulted in an offer of work. Just what have I got to do to get a normal office job in this town ? Who in the hell is getting these jobs ? It doesn't really matter, albeit what makes me smile when I go for a job that I can do but would challenge me is that I know what salary the successful applicant is getting and it doesn't make me envious. It's actually less than I was on in Britain when I was doing a fairly mundane office job. I've yet to be interviewed for a job that even draws level to my old salary, never mind offers more. After all this time unemployed, just about any salary would be good. That's how unemployment gets you. I was never unemployed for this long in Britain. Never ever. I don't recall being unemployed for more than 3 months. NZ takes the piss. Frankly, for me, it always has done.

We have purchased our house and are in the process of redecorating it. We've also had installed 2 heat pumps, double glazing, insulation in the ceiling and the floor void and also other bits of plumbing or electrical work. All this has been done since we moved in last September, it's now May and kiwi's seem to think this is quick !

alanmacc

Hi and welcome to the forum

A very interesting read an open and honest view of your feelings, does it get better, one persons view will differ entirely from another's but I am sure you will get the usual replies of both encouragement and also people saying how bad it and and it will never get better.

However heres my take on it, yes it will get better, how do I know, well we arrived here almost 5 years ago, never having set foot in Christchurch before, stepped off the plane to a cold damp blustery rainy day in October thinking WTF .... did expect this, had a struggle to find decent rental as you did, we arrived with our daughter who was 2 at the time, again lots of properties that we didn't even consider looking at due to the fact they were in shocking condition, we were lucky and happened to meet the owner of some new apartments he was just finalising ready to rent so we did strike it lucky there. No central heating or a heat pump but instead one heater in the living room so we invested in an oil heater for our daughters bedroom, dampness yes thats an issue, mainly due to the fact all the windows here are aluminium which does not act as a thermal barrier like PVC or timber does, that coupled with the fact the natural ventilation in the kiwi houses is piss poor does not help, so my advise for that is open the windows let the windy welly do its stuff and air it out as often as you can, dont be tempted into buying a portable gas fire, they are by far the biggest culprit of condensation in houses, not to mention the fact they are dangerous too, however I digress.

My OH being a nurse meant that she had free time during the week so she decided like you have to join a mother and toddlers group and just like you found most of them to be stand-offish bordering on rude but there is a few gems in amongst them that you need top pick out and you will find that they become really good friends.

My OH is also T1 diabetic but not found it to be too expensive, check that you have a community card for your prescriptions and make sure that the insulin type you are on is one of the funded ones otherwise you need a special authority to get these from the chemist and not pay the full cost, my OH usual prescription cost is about $20 for both types of insulin (fast acting and long acting) as well as other stuff, also check your doc, my advice for this is if you find a good doc keep him, we still travel over 25km to our doctors cos we are really happy with the service.

People back home so quickly move on and every time you catch up it seems to change for a good example my OH ex flat mate has never contacted us in 5 years even though they were flat mates for a few years, so out of sight out of mind I think, we skype somtimes but they say a camera adds 10lb so pretty suer I have 5 cameras on me when i skype, hence the reason not to skype, as far as the Watties Heinz debate I now actually prefer Watties, we managed to pick up some Heinz baked beans and I was soreley disappointed in them so I will stick to the countdown own brand much better IMO, and when we first arrived we would have killed for pampers, much better than huggies but its only a short time they are in them in the grand scheme of things and contrats on you being pregnant.

Good to read at the foot that you met up with somebody that moved about the same time as you and you can vent off to each other, but this is always a good place to vent off, so to get back to your original question of does it get better ........ man i can dribble on a bit really I can, I should really do a bit of work, however yes it does get better, we bought a plot of land and built our own house within the first year, I have moved jobs 3 times my OH has moved twice, my daughter is now a kiwi firstly and takes delight in telling me I talk funny, so this year is 5 for us and we are going for citizenship, my OH did have bouts of homesickness and we did say give it two years and if one of us is really unhappy we will call it quits and head back, but the two years came and went with out even noticing it.

Is the UK a place to go back to? is it the place you grew up in? do you want to raise a family there? we answered no to all of them so even with its flaws and shitty heating even in a new house we still prefer NZ, as far as lifestyle goes we are much richer for that here, and feel this is a place to bring up a family, did i actually answer anything?? probably not, if you were in Chch id say pop round for a cuppa but welly to chch is a dit of a drive for a cuppa and a choccy bikkie.

Keep your chin up it does get better and if you need a vent come on here and vent your heart out

Alan

Snap Shot

[QUOTE=ohdearydear;10078951]I feel very lonely and tried to join the mother and baby groups but have found a lot of the kiwi mothers not to be the friendliest bunch of people. I’ve also found it strange how much people swear in front of their children (without wanting to sound like a prude – I find it very hard to not swear some days!!) – including radio and is there not a watershed on TV?!

I smile or nod when I'm, say, at the gym and the person just smirks and keeps walking or deliberately looks away. Having said that the third person who catches my glance will smile or nod as is to say, 'alright ?' There's someone who went to the same excercise class as me last year and was pally with the teacher. I struck up a conversation with the teacher on another day and didn't realise this other person was waiting to speak to her at the end of class. That obviously didn't suit. So when I see her at the gym I try to say, 'Hi' for no other reason than I recognise her face. However, her returning my smile as we walk past each other isn't going to happen so never mind. Between you and me (and anyone who reads this) I'm already married to a New Zealander, I don't have to be friends with them as well do I ?

Swearing. Sorry about this but you'll have to try to get used to it. I am open mouthed at the amount of swearing on radio and t.v. I too used to wonder about whether there was a watershed on t.v. here. Um, I don't think they know what one of those is ! Kiwi's are know as being laid back and anything goes yet they are also considered conservative.....so which is it ? Parents swearing at their kids makes me cringe whether it's here or back in Britain.

ohdearydear

Thanks for your response.

I'm exactly the same. I'm thankful for the surroundings and new life that we have - but then the next day it's cloudy, cold, I go shopping and spend a small mortgage on a basic shop and my husband is working late for less money! Have you formed any friendships yet?

I think the time difference and duration it would take to get home is a big concern of mine (not to mention the cost). I actually asked my sister if she would tell me if my mum or dad's health was for concern and was told that they probably wouldn't notice...doesn't give me much hope. I'm sure this is something at the back of the mind's of all expats anywhere in the world.

Do you know how long you plan to stay in Singapore? Is it a forever move? I hope things work out for you.

ohdearydear

Gosh. Don't take this the wrong way, but reading your story, I really shouldn't complain.

I wish you all the best in your job search. Do you think you'll return to the UK if you can't find anything?

Part of the reason for us deciding on NZ in the first place was because he'd be able to do the same job. We (both of us) spent the best part of a year job hunting for him all around Britain but there was so much competition from all the redundancies in London (any elsewhere) that he had a 3 month notice period and they could start straight away. All very frustrating at the time and I wonder what life would be like if he'd got a job in the UK.

Like I say, we'll never decide on staying/going until our 2 years is up, but I know which way I'm leaning at the moment! I've currently got a pros and cons list hidden away in the back of my book that I keep adding to....we've got a long way to go and the list is growing (on both sides)!

ohdearydear

Thanks for your reply Alan. I'd love to pop round for a cuppa - do you have chocolate hobnobs?! It's be worth the ferry and drive if you do!

I will check if I have a community card. I've not heard of one before so I doubt it. I registered with our local doctor for ease but wonder if there are better choices further afield.

Strangely enough our house has wooden windows not aluminium and they're still awful! I'm sure this doesn't help because the wood has shrunk over the years (i think it's 1920's) on the windows and whilst sitting in bed we can watch the curtains sway on a windy day! It's on our 'to-do' list this weekend to put some draught excluder in.

Thanks again for your reply.

vcf49

We are lucky to have some friends on the island but within the condo, it's more of passing acquaintances. There are some very cliquey little groups and when you smile at them or say 'hello' they give you funny looks or just ignore you. Terribly rude, but I have made it my mission to be smiley and keep trying - my baby doesn't want to look at a glum mummy and I don't want to see one in the mirror either!

There are a few that are lovely but given the nature of Singapore and the current economic climate, most of the friendly ones think they are here on borrowed time and expect to be moved back to their home countries as soon as the break clause in the lease can be utilised.

Initially, most Singapore postings are for 2 years (most accommodation leases are for that length of time) with a 'diplomatic clause' that can be added to allow you to leave after just 12 months if you can prove that your employers want you to leave the country. We have done nearly 12 months and there's no sign of us being recalled, so it looks like it may be out here for the 2 years or maybe a year longer. Schooling costs here are astronomical so it isn't an option for us to stay here too much longer than beyond 3 or so years unless we can persuade my OH's employers to pay for schooling. We may also end up being moved onto another country after here so I'm not holding my breath!!

The grocery thing gets me here too. Almost everything is imported (mainly from Aus) and I don't think Baby Fear is cut out for trips to wet markets where animals are being 'despatched' to order so I do patronise the local supermarket which makes it a little more costly. I find it terribly depressing that I can carry home £80 of shopping in the heat together with a little baby!

I can understand why there are a lot of support groups here in Singapore for expats and their partners who have moved here expecting it to be the best move they ever make in their entire lives and finding that it isn't the answer to all their prayers.

On the positive side we are experiencing another culture so there are benefits, and there have only been a few days when I've been pretty 'down' about things (but I'd probably have had the same if we were still in the UK). I do also think that I would be kicking myself if we were still in the UK, and we had missed this opportunity.

Glad you've found someone who's feeling the same way as you do. The last person I thought I may have some common ground with was actually coping far worse than me and was at the point of crying each day - luckily I think I've only cried once and that was my pregnancy hormones!

I'm a great believer that things will work themselves out and I'm sure that when your 2 years comes round (which it will do, rapidly!) you and your OH will make the right decision. I know people who've gone to NZ and stayed and others who've gone out and come back - different horses for different courses! Best of luck.

Bo-Jangles

You have my every sympathy deary, if I may call you that. I'll never like Watties and no longer can even bring myself to go there when it comes to tinned soup - they're all vile. I've got battle hardened to the ignorant gits that look at the floor when you walk past, the people that let the door go in your face and those at the office who struggle to grunt let alone say good morning. Just smile and wave, say thank you, be very English, be polite, move on. I have the last laugh and the more they ignore me the more I do it!!


I think we all go through similar struggles to varying degrees and some are just better at covering it up than others. It's hard to make that first admission that things ain't quite like they oughta, but you'll find the strength and soldier on.

Always seems to be the kicker, if you both hated it equally then it would be such an easy decision, eh?

GoingIn2011

Hi there,

We moved last September. We are in similar ish position to you. Moved for all the same reasons as you. My OH and I were working ridiculous long hours in the UK with 3 kids. Came over for better working hours, more time with kids etc.. Meant we could afford for me to stay home. Reality is my Oh works harder than ever and I struggle in the day. Have not really found anyone. I particularly click with and found mums and toddler groups and school mums difficult to get to know. I am quite an open person, very chatty and will chat to anyone but have not found kiwis to be as open. Most of my friends are Aussies or Japanese who seem much more open and engaging. Really miss my best friends in the UK. Nobody will come out to visit as no one has any money! My parents have vowed never to come and my OH's mum and dad are knocking n a bit now so they won't be visiting.

Our house is also absolutely freezing, heat pump in need of a service so does not get put on as is a colossal waste of money, there are gaps in all the windows between the seal and the frame so it blows cold air in every single room. There are also gaps at the bottom of the French windows so all the cold air comes in there too and yes, the condensation is pretty bad. We bought 2 dehumidifiers which are on the go all day from when I get up to when I go to bed. I also open the windows to let the air in. I wear more jumpers and use a hot water bottle at night with a thick duvet and blanket.

No, no one is ever round on Skype much. I use Facebook to keep in touch quite a bit but I do get down in the day. Today I was downright depressed and have felt low all day. I am hoping that everyone gets days like this, that tomorrow is another day and I will not feel the same as I did today.

I don't want to sound like a total misery guts, on the whole so far I am glad we moved and so long as the general happiness trajectory is upwards, I am not expecting it to be linear, more bumpy up and down but generally going up.

So no, it isn't what I thought but it is early days and I am hopeful that this time next year we will be in a new house, my kids will have settled in and my hubby will be working less - well, I can always dream. Oh, and I am also thinking of going back to work to try and keep me from getting too depressed. Hanging out with a 2 year old all day and not having friends is starting to get to me.

Do not think I help at all with your situation but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Natalie

GoingIn2011

I did not ask but if you are anywhere near Auckland, you are welcome to come over for a playdate for your little one and a cuppa

davros1984

Hey - really enjoyed reading your post. In fact - a lot of the posts in this thread are excellent to read.

I quoted some of what you said and in response.... you are absolutely right about housing and heating. Its normal here for 4-5 months of the year to wear several layers of clothes in the evenings and to gather round the little portable heaters! The place we are in now is a little warmer than our first place here as it has the plastic type windows not wooden ones with draught. Rentals in general are disgusting, its a shame when there are so many single-big houses here.

Spot on about friends, my closest friends from back home who I've spent the past 10-12 years of my life with seem to make little if any effort. Been here a year as of next week and am still waiting for a first proper skype conversation. There are others though who regularly send me pm's on Facebook. It can be hard, but you know what.. if anything you start to realise who your real friends are and that life if anything is down to you and your partner (if you are fortunate to have one) + kids.

For me, I am getting a little tired of Auckland, but am trying to make the most of my time here - i.e. by looking at a complete career change and starting a business - its all quite exciting. If I hadn't have moved to NZ, I am not sure I ever would have looked at changing myself.

Moving on..locals, mothers and south-african mothers. I am shocked at how they swear in front of their kids - but yes.. its quite the norm. I haven't had too much luck with Kiwi's, nor has my partner in fact. Most of our friends are English with the odd South African.

Give it at least another 12 months before you decide to move or do anything. It is hard - a lot of people here seem to be going through it. It seems that this forum is at least a place where a lot of people in the same boat can communicate, vent and generate ideas - lets keep it up.

If you want to meet up and chat you are most welcome. I realise though that there's a lot going on and commitment is not easy when you move overseas! Its why we moved here right?

keznjj

I am reading the threads on this post and honestly feel so bad for you all that are not enjoying the Kiwi life.
I totally totally understand. I lived in NZ for over 4 years and like the others and what folks told me I had to give it 2years to learn to even begin to like it and then I was told I would fall in love with it. Never Happened!!

I hated it, I hated the coldness, the expense, the lack of friends, the lack of money for others to come to visit. Where do I end.
Thing is I did not have the same implications as some, I got a job within 3 weeks for the tax department and my husband was in the military so what was I moaning about. I just could not get it at all I just could not get it. I felt isolated, the recession had hit the world, we had just bought a house in the boom and knew we would never get what we even paid for it. The mortgage rates were nothing short of notorious. Cut backs were happening in every Govt establishment (both mine and my husbands livliehoods)
Food was getting more and more expensive, my mother got the shock of her life when she bought milk and bread the fundamentals and we were getting stung. Every time there is a problem in OZ it is very much reflected in NZ. Sad but true!
Many nights spent looking at a bottle of Southern Comfort brought no Comfort apart that it tasted mighty fine

We got lucky, our residency for Canada came through, we managed to sell the house at a huge loss and the bank stung us for an early release to get out of the mortgage.
I got to be very much in like with it, but never in love. I loved the Kiwi people but again they have formed their own relationships and I was still the immigrant outsider, the beaches are by far t he best I have ever seen in the world and the scenery is breathtaking but to get to see these you need a second mortgage to view.

I did read mention of a community card, this is only accessilbe if you are on a low income and meet the criteria to get one otherwise you will still end up paying doc visit and prescriptions.
I hope that things pick up for you Deary and anyone out there that is struggling. I would love to tell you it will get better but alas for me it didnt. As the OP has said when you are feeling low come on here and vent, plenty will listen and understand. Good Luck!!

ohdearydear

I just wanted to say thanks for your messages and private messages too. Although wrong to say, it's actually nice to know that I'm not the only one!

I went to a mumsy group today and believe it or not....it wasn't bad! There were three other (kiwi) mum's and they all seemed friendly enough AND.....they didn't have tourettes! I hope to visit that one again.

GoingIn2011 - I would love to come for a playdate but we're in Wellington so the commute would be a bit far! Perhaps if I'm ever in that neck of the woods I'll look you up?!
Davros1984 - same! We will be making a family trip to Milford when the weather picks up though so expect a knock on the door!
Keznjj - that would explain why I don't have a community card - I'm guessing my husband's wage is more than allowed. *sigh*