Genesis

Bourbon biscuit got me thinking about this. My wife left me back in April 2013. A while before that a British mate of mine had his wife do one. Both of said women ran off with other men. Another mate from the UK has been left by his wife 15 months ago. No one else in this case, just walked. I know of a growing number of other expats that have gone the same way. I know the divorce rate is stupidly high all over but I can't help get the feeling that it affects more expats.

I have been told some couples have tried the migration thing as a last chance for their ailing unions but I am sure that's no relevant in most cases where divorce eventuates.

Anyway, everyone of the expats I know has hunkered down and carried on living here. I guess that is all about our kids being settled here. I am now in a relationship and would like to thank 'Findsomeone' for making it happen.

Divorce is awful for kids mine were 10,10 and 12. Its always crap for kids and I feel an abject failure for having been party to the demise of my marriage and the subsequent tearing up of the lives my children knew and loved.

Adults, too many times set our children a terrible example the way we allow our relationships to fall apart. A very senior judge in the US called divorce the 'scourge of humanity' for both emotional and fiscal reasons.

I sometimes wonder if adults will ever learn just how devastating divorce is for children. It is a shame too many people are more than happy to for go the vows they made because 'its got boring' because 'someone new is more attractive' or for whatever reason, bar physical abuse which I believe there is no going back on.

mikelincs

The other side of the coin is just how good is it for children to be living in a family where the husband or wife just wants to be somewhere else, family life must suffer and affect the children.

Pulaski

I think Hollywood and TV has given people the false expectation that they are entitled to be happy all the time. Rather than accepting that life isn't always great, and that most issues are fixable, it is just too easy to throw in the towel and walk out on a marriage.

movingtonewzealand

Agree with Pulaski & mikelincs on this:

My Grandparents didn't have the same yearning as my generation to be happy all of the time - Maybe their happiness level was lower or maybe the 'make-do and mend' way of life was the same with marriage? Who knows.

I think another problem is that people CHANGE - The person you married 20 years ago is a different person now! This is nobodies fault, it just happens.

Divorce is ugly for kids but it's much worse for them if they sense there's unhappiness between their parents, and you'll be surprised how young they sense these things.

Another reason not to get married in the first place!

Genesis

Totally agree with you. I accept that kids should not be locked into a home life full of acrimony but WAY too many people throw in the towel without trying. My ex wife's exact comments were when we told by a professional that our marriage was more than retrievable said, "Yeah, I heard that but I don't want to".

She never made an effort to repair what was wrong as she had found Mark 2 (Mike 2 infact) and wanted to move on. What else did she say? "I have moved on in my life, you have not". there was no opportunity for me to get the chance to catch up and re group. Aren't 13 years and 3 kids worth the effort?

And never once was I told, ever that our marriage had come to a place where it was in danger of failing. I really believe that all relationships deserve a second chance (save for violent ones). Many get that 2nd chance and not all 2nd chances work. But at least they tried.

My point is that it is too easy to walk out of a marriage like Pulaski says. No one seems to want to make an effort. Relationship not what it was? Leave, get another. They are two a penny. And everytime the kids are the real losers. Not me, not her.

Clappy

One former colleague of mine (of south-east Asia origin) explained that this was a reason why his arranged-marriage was a better method. It was his and his wife's duty to make the marriage work whereas westerners like me with our love-marriages complain after time has passed that the other partner has changed and is not the person we married any more.

I can see his point although I am not sure that I would like that solution myself.

SSky

Some folk are just more fragile I guess, can't work out their issues and just jump.

Genesis

Or lazy and selfish. My ex admitted it was 'all about her' and what she was doing was extraordinarily selfish.

SSky

Surely you're better off without her then Gen, it would have been awful wouldn't it to stay together if she was miserable? Neither of you would have been happy?

Genesis

Hello SSky,

As a poster above alluded some folk don't seem to be able to work thru the hard bits. I was far from perfect but at my heart I was a caring and decent partner and father. I gave up my career (allbeit willingly) so she could concentrate on hers when we arrived here. I was a stop at home dad from 2005 till 2013 when she went.

Alas I got a bit psychologically screwed up for a raft of reasons and I was not always the easiest person to be around whilst this prevailed.

However I did work very hard in the relationship to keep everything going. She said to me "how can I leave such a lovely person?" and how I used to be so charming. Well if that is/was the case why not give me the chance to repair myself? I changed hugely after she went, I needed to.

I stressed and worried too much about everything. It turned out after seeing a shrink I was insecure and depressed. I now know why I was depressed.

Sorry to go on about all this but I am trying to make the point that we take wedding vows that are about 'for better and worse' and 'in sickness and in health', yet when the going gets tough feckless folk do one.

We generally got on well. We argued very little (except over one of our children who had and has some considerable issues, the other two are totally normal by the way, what ever that maybe!).

I just was not in her long term plan any more and had served my purpose, strange don't you think that within just a few weeks of finishing her masters, through which I supported her in many ways, she was off with Mike 2?

Kids deserve better than that. Our marriage was totally fixable. I faced my demons and changed hugely and accepted all my failings, weaknesses et al.

My children have suffered so much because she could not be arsed to make the effort to make it work.

Marriage, long term relationships and family life are all totally disposable.

What makes all this so much more awful is that the children cannot stand Mike 2. How sad is that? And they now all pretty much live in the same house now 80% of the time.

SSky

I've been there Gen, believe me I know completely where you're coming from. Have you recovered now, it took me quite a few years to stop feeling rage and complete insane madness. In fact I did go a bit mad I think but I'm all calmness and zen again now.
As long as your kids know you love them and you're there for them that's all you can do isn't it.

Pica

I was married for 19 years to what I consider to be one of the laziest men on earth. We rowed, we discussed, made plans, I threatened to leave him, for years I tried to fix why I was so unhappy with the way he was. He promised to change but never did.Even his mother would be beside herself with how unco-operative and selfish he was. When we were at college his landlady called an ambulance one morning because she thought he was seriously ill, he was carted off to hospital _ there was nothing wrong! He just didn't want to get out of bed at all that day. Needless to say he was thrown out of college for not doing any assignments.
What I'm trying to say is that i didn't just dump him at the first hurdle, I really tried for 19 years. In the end, 3 lovely children later I requested he leave our marital home. he moved into lodgings and I had to phone him most mornings to make sure he got up for work or to come see his children.
He eventally found someone and has changed a bit. He would never have changed for me so perhaps the split taught him a lesson that could only be learned the hard way.
It's so hard being with someone who wears you down to the point of abject misery and lonliness, better to end a rotting relationship even if only one party is able to see its death knell.

bourbon-biscuit

Absolutely! We are now obsessed with checking on how we feel at every given turn. Plus, we have a society that encourages narcissism and the mistaken belief that we are all unique, special, and somehow entitled to everything we want. Also, I think people fundamentally misunderstand happiness and feel that if they don't have it most of the time then they must be unhappy.

I think what Genesis is resentful about is that his wife decided she wasn't happy and that she couldn't be happy with him so ended the marriage giving it no opportunity to be salvaged. Her misery in the marriage was not a forgone conclusion. I doubt he would have wanted her to remain in it miserable.

The point about marriage vows, imo, is not that you should stay with your spouse come hell or high water (ugh), but that you should have a commitment to making it work, which means that (a) you keep the communication open long before you decide to throw in the towel so your partner has a good head's up that things aren't working for you, and (b) you make a concerted effort to patch things up together.

This is so true. My dad probably didn't (doesn't?) know it but in the years after my parents' divorce he was my anchor, my stability, and my whole world.

Sounds dreadful - glad you got out of there! I don't think any decent person would argue that folk should remain in unhappy marriages, especially as long as you hung in there!!!

The point being made was more that a decent amount of conscious effort needs to be made where both parties know the stakes before throwing in the towel. That seems to me to be the point of the marriage vows: not that you promise to enjoy the good times but that when it gets hard you promise to have a good go together at working it out.

Dorothy

It would be interesting to hear from her side how long she tried to make it work. Maybe she had been telling him that she was unhappy for years but the message wasn't received. If she's left for another man then she obviously was unhappy long enough to meet, fall in love, and make plans. A very wise person once told me that an affair is not the diagnosis for the end of a marriage; it's a symptom.

bourbon-biscuit

Sure, but she isn't on the forum so I thought we should just take Genesis' posts at face value. She's bound to have a different take on it but I don't think that matters here, now.