Littletoe

Thought I'd try and lighten up the tension in here recently....

IRISH COFFEE
>
>An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
>
>seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
>
>"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
>
>"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
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>"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble
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>Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it
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>a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
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>It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
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>inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
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>bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
>
>"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
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>"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and
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>the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up,
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>with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin'
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>fiercely!
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>With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth
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>flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,
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>making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was
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>a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute ******' nightmare!"
>
>"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the s3x your
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>Husband provided wasn't good"?
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>"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the s3x was fine indeed! 'Twas the
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>best sex I've had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm
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>sittin' here, I'll niver be able to show me face in Starbucks
>
>again."

Rustie

Great idea!!!

The Bridge

A man was riding his BMW 1200 along a Northern Territory highway when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and an effeminate finger protruded through. In a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Bali so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several known natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

kwprwn

and one from me

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the
wind

blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car
to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in
10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you
can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before,

I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were
bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

Yorksha

One for the ladies!!!

A man about to get married asks his father how he can make his future wife obey him. The father said " Son, I went straight up to your mother, took my trousers off and asked her to try them on. Your mother replied that they didn't fit so I said "Yes, I wear the trousers in this house and don't you forget it"!!!

The son went straight home and confronted his future wife. He took his trousers off and asked her to try them on. She replied that they didn't fit and the son stated that he wore the trousers in that house and that she shouldn't forget it.

With that the future wife took her knickers off and said " Here try these on" The son replied " I'll never get in those" The wife replied " No, and you never will again with that attitude"

BEVS

building site joke of the day...


Two lobsters sitting in a tank

One looks at the other and says

"Do you know how to drive this ?"

Apple Tree

Ouch


A seal walks into a club......................

BEVS

Horse walks into a bar

barman says

"What's with the long face".

mickey_d

Tommy Cooper Style..........

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultan asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

mickey_d

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked


"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money.
"Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded.

"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."