Shazmoo

Ok so the tears are welling as I write this, and I'm so sick of holding them back that I'm just goin to let them fall.
I arrived in Wellington 5 weeks ago with my boyfriend, we have a lovely little house on the beach in Wellington.
I had a very shaky start, I was anxious and home sick wondering if I had done the right thing. Then it went great, I started to settle in, started work and everyone is really nice there all coming round to my house this Friday for a few drinks ( not sure how I got myself in to that) my boss is English and really lovely, today I went into work and burst into tears and she was so understanding and let me go home.
But I miss my mum. I miss my sister. I've having a really really rough few days, Im not sure I want to go home, there is nothing there for me and I know my partner would stay here as he feels he has no home in the UK anymore. I know if I went home I would get there and realise I have nothi, but at the same time I fell completely trapped. It's not all been bad, for a few weeks I really enjoyed myself, I felt I was settling and even went camping with some new friends we had made. Am I just having a few down days? Because at the moment I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Perhaps I could go home for a couple of weeks in June/July but then I'm frightened I won't come back and it will all start again!
Please if anyone had any advise then do share, people say it's not forever, but it kinda is because my partner would never leave and I couldn't be without him.

dfjordan

I´m sure loads of others will be writing the same, as we´ve all been through this and got over it. It´s only natural that you miss your family and probably many other things about the UK as well, and it´s the first thing that comes to your mind when you find yourself in a new part of th world, not knowing anyone,and not having your normal routine to follow. It sounds like you have been lucky to get off to a good start, not like many others who can´t find work etc. I suggest you try to meet up with others nearby who´ve been thru this and can help you. By all means think about a holiday back in the Uk later thsi year, and I would guess that once you go back , you will have great time but also you will be only too glad to get on the plane back to Wellington when the time comes. Emigrating is not easy, and not everyone is successful, but if you don´t give it a try, you´ll probably regret it later.
Good luck

Wessa

Hello Shazmoo,

We are not there yet but talking to my good friend and his wife only yesterday who is in Dunedin, he said she still is not 100% settled after being there over two years now, i dont think people do get settled for a long time and its usually the wifes etc who feel it the most. After a few months of them being there she was feeling the same as you and they went home. Once back in the uk it didnt take long to realise why they had left and ended up going back to NZ. The total trip cost them well over£50k. So something to concider.
Do your best to keep busy, im sure you will cheer up a bit. At least you are working and are able to socialize as you have. Im sure a good drink and a laugh might help.

Chin up mate.

Gary.

luvwelly

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. You have made a big sacrifice in personal terms (family) to be with your Kiwi partner and it seems he has made it clear he won't go back to UK (where he met you presumably?) and so you understandably feel trapped here sort of 'against your will'....or at least this is what your post conveyed to me.

First off...are you sure that is his real view? It seems a bit unfair in that he plucked you out of the UK and then said it's NZ forever or nothing.....surely this should be about trying out both countries together and coming to a long-term decision. Coming on a 'forever understanding' would be a massive leap of faith on your part i.m.o.

I think you need to give it a fair amount of time to try and settle (it is normal to feel homesick/people sick) but in the meantime, I would have a frank chat with your partner about what the 'real situation' is. Many people say we'll give it x months/years then re-assess and see how we both feel. The quality of your NZ life is only as strong as your relationship with him after all.

You still sound young and if you have no kids, you can still undo any move quite easily whether alone or together, so it is ok to give it time (culture shock after honeymoon period is normal), try to see some of NZ however long you stay, but trust me I've seen lots and you are in one of the easiest places to live already lol.

As someone else said keep busy and try to give yourself sth to look forward to...a holiday maybe but back to UK probably not wise so early on.
Best wishes.
PS Believing it is 'NZ forever or nothing' is actually making it much harder to settle 'Nz for now'

scrubbedexpat094

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this Shazmoo. It's truly horrible to go through. I can't write very much at present as I have a mate coming round shortly who is going through a crisis & need to be around for her. But my heart is going out to you. I've been there & still go there frequently !
OH loves life here too & doesn't always 'get' how I'm feeling.

You are not alone though I know from experience that you will feel desperately lonely right now. The best advice I can give you is to be very gentle on yourself & aim low at this stage. Get through each hour as best you can Hugs

abbey_o

Hi Shamzoo, I am in a similar position in that homesickness for me is quite bad. I came over in oct with my boyfriend and started work the following week, so it was all systems go. I have had good weeks and bad weeks but after finally having a bad weekend I have decided to return home. My boyfriend is staying on for a year as he has recently signed a contract and loves his job( he deals with leaky buildings etc) and so for him the work is great and he works with a mixture of brits and kiwis who all mix great. I myself am a dog groomer and working for a small business that consists of 2 others so the chance to mix isn't easy, long hours and not great money. I am also a vegetarian and for me the choice is just not here for vege food, for a meat eater it's brillant and the steak is cheap but I do miss the choice of food and I also think the vege food is very expensive. I work long hours and don't have time or the inclination to be baking. But I am glad I tried it out, I think at 36 I have become more of a homebody then I had thought, in my twenties I travelled all over and loved it, but the pull of my family and friends back home has made me reach my decision. You have managed to make friends here which is great and you are luckier then some so try and hang in there for a little while and if in a few more months you still feel this way then go home for a holiday, but I am sure if you sit down with your boyfriend he will understand and ye can sort it together, I am lucky in a sense that I have a job to go back to and it will be hard for me not to be close to my boyfriend but we realise that for him here is better for the moment as he actually has employment and he enjoys the lifestyle, and for me home is better. So just hang in there but do talk to your boyfriend as sometimes just realising you have a choice makes it easier and it's good to have a cry sometimes, this forum is great as you will get all sorts of advice from expats who have all been through the same thing so remember there is always someone to talk. I hope it works out for you. abbey

Shazmoo

Thanks so much guys, your replies are great and it does help when thinking that so many people make the move, and so many people have gone throu this. I'm determined to stick at it for a while longer. But these forums really are such a good help!
My weariness comes and goes and by the time the evening comes I'm so tired from keeping it together all day I sleep like a log!
I think also I need to keep myself as busy as possible and utilize the tools I have (skype etc)
Yes I am only 24 and my partner is 30 but he too is British. I understand what he means when he says he has no home in the uk, he doesn't have family or a job, and the job situation is so bad in the uk at the mo he wouldn't have a home or job to go back to like I do.
Plus we spent over two grand getting the sodding dog here, so I'm not about to ( or be in the position to ) fork out for that again.
But the replies are great and really do help so thanks so much you lovely lovely lot xxx

Shazmoo

Abbey, I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you but I hope you have enjoyed your time in new Zealand and you can sleep at night knowing you gave it a good shot. Good on you hun!!
When do u leave to go back to the UK?
X

abbey_o

Well I am going to hand in my notice tmrw, I have to give a months notice in writing, and then it's just getting boxes sent back and then myself so prob in about 6 weeks. I must admit I do feel better at having finally made the decision, but I know I will prob be in floods of tears leaving the o.h but I think it will be healthier for us if I'm not always here moaning, although to be fair we haven't argued once and he has been very patient with me. I think had I been able to make friends it may have been easier but thats it I gave it a shot and sure I have a 3yr multiple entry visa so if I feel I really can't function without him then I can come back. I also have rugby tkts for ireland games in world cup so i will come back for that,We did say we would give it 6 months and if either one wasn't happy but the work at home just isn't there for him. And I know it sounds quite sad but I miss my dog and all you see round here are dogs, And my Dad I miss.Plus my sister is due a baby and the other one just had one(must be something in the water!!!) and my bf is due hers in june. The list could go on and on. I was in welly for nye and really liked it down there, I found the people to be much friendlier, it is def a windy city though.... Hang in there girl remember nothing is carved in stone.And it's def handy having an english boss to understand your bad days. But if you want to go home for a hol in july then do,It might just do ya the world of good to have it to look frwd to. xx

simonsi

OK, well for what its worth 5 weeks isnt very long - people take holidays of that length to come down under. So I suspect it isn't the time you have already spent down here that is the issue so much as the time you are looking at/imagining to spend - and at the moment with that seeming just stretch out into the future that causes huge emotions.

Eat an elephant a small bit at a time, set goals, say skype at intervals, holidays to the UK, visitors to you here etc so that there is always something in the calendar - smaller things at close intervals, bigger things further away (to start with obviously). That way, all of a sudden you may look back and have spent a year here.

Sherpas use the same technique on Everest, only look at the next manageable bit to climb, just standing in awe at the bottom looking at the summit can make it difficult to get/keep going....

Hope it helps.

Shazmoo

Your completely right 5 weeks is not a long time, but I have never been away from my mother for this long and so she's the person I miss most! She is coming over at Xmas and all I keep thinking is a whole year, so your right in what you say. I'm looking at the big stretch rather than just taking it day by day like I should do.
It's hard tho, yanno?
And abbey I bet you feel much better now you have decided to go, enjoy your last few weeks here. I hope it works out for you, are you watching rugby in Wellington?

luvwelly

Then the 'give it x months' and re-evaluate is even more appropriate. He won't be happy here long term if you are unhappy...the economy will pick up eventually...it only becomes forever when you take expensive steps like importing dogs, buying houses and having kids .

Actually at 24 you also have the benefit that relatively speaking your UK based relatives are likely not that old either. It gets really tricky when your parents are retirement age and you are 10,000 miles away. You are only 5 weeks in....a few months down the line it might be your partner wanting to leave...it's such early days...sometimes I think you just know it's not going to suit you forever though (do I want to draw my pension in NZ?) but you are willing to experience it for a few years. Again once you have kids it gets harder because you are uprooting them as well...the weather will likely be better than Liverpool most of the time.

Arthur Daley

Just keep thinking you are not that far from your friends and family and it should help. It did for me when I first came to NZ. Its a long journey but its only a case of getting on a plane for just over a day and hey presto you are back! Its a doddle really, keep your chin up and stay strong....not for your man, but for your friends and family who will be worried about you right now.
Arthur

hazeandsteve

I'm plenty willing to take any dogs left behind.........pigging's good here

nik

Shazmoo, I am so sorry you are feeling this way - it reminded me of how I felt when I went to NZ for the first time. I was so looking forward to the move and couldn't wait to leave the UK for my big adventure and then started work straight away and after three weeks the homesickness hit me from nowhere and I was completely despondent. It was so unexpected and it lasted for a fair few weeks. I phoned home, I wrote letters (no skype then!) and I planned a trip back to the UK for my sisters wedding which was about 10 months away and focused on getting through the months with that to look forward to.

By the time I had my holiday back to the UK I had a great time with my friends and family but I knew I wasn't ready to come back permanently just yet and I was happy to be going back to NZ.

It is a huge change and you have to give yourself time to adjust and get used to your new life. Like others have said, it doesn't have to be forever, work out if its where you want to be now and enjoy the experience while you are there. It takes time to build a history with friends and having other around you who have gone through the same experience does help and it sounds like your boss is really sympathetic.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and I really hope you feel better about it all soon.