Moved to Oz just over 4 months ago and now the holiday feeling is over, I just know that I don't want to be here. I know it will improve, but I just wish I'd never started this bloody roller coaster. My hubby is determined to stay here and work our way back up (he has plummeted wage wise) and even our 8 year old daughter seems quite settled now. I have been to register at some temping agencies today but as soon as I came out, the tears came. Hubby just tells me to be positive, but all I can see is that as soon as anyone in UK gets ill or maybe on of us, I will want to go home, so why not go back anyway ? Is it really such a fab life without the rest of your family anyway ? Sorry about this, I just really needed to talk

sorry to see you are so upset izzy it is hard i have been dealing with it for 15 yrs and i am finally going home in 3 weeks .All i can say is ask yourself could you see yourself living here forever if the answer is no there is your answer to the future wether you act on it now or later makes no difference ,i knew 15 years ago i would never be able to adjust to the life here i have stuck it out through pride and the hope it would change inside for me ,it hasnt the mental pain only breifly goes when i am working 7 days aweek but when on my own without my wife and lads around me i am living in the time 15-16 years ago

How on earth are you affording to go back now ? How do your kids feel about going back given that they have probably grown up here ? Does your wife feel the same? The thing is that like you, I know I can mask it and carry on as if it is all fab, but it's not for me. What do you do when you have a stubborn hubby who wasn't entirely happy in UK, but I can see won't be happy long term in Oz ? Although it was me who started the ball rolling about Oz, it was mainly due to the fact that he was always craving something better. I am actually very easily pleased and loved my life in the UK, but I guess that was at the expense of him being the breadwinner and therefore having most of the financial stress. I did work in UK, but did not have his earning power. I am realising now that whilst we have a young child it will be like this. I will have a lowly job to be available for our daughter and the pressure will be on him to bring in the income. It's just that right now I can';t see any benefit to us doing it in Oz. How can I persuade him and ensure that his pride remains intact ?

we have found going back not that expensive to be honest we are heading to bournemouth and although we wont have as bigger house and material goods we will forsake those for general well being .I wanted to feally get the ball rolling 5 years ago but my wife refused not because she likes it here but because of the 2 lads education they are 18 and 21 now ,the youngest is coming back and looking forward to a more upbeat lifestyle and the eldest is staying for a while ,we are in stead of focussing on the negatives of it all have realised after 15 years we will always have links here in australia because our lads will come and go as they please ,and i will never rule out working here again and neither will my wife but we have chosen to buy in the uk and use that as our base and home and use australia for work if needed .Its always awkward if one partner is stubborn i had to deal with it with my wife but in hindsight maybe she was right ,i think you really have to ask your OH if he can see him staying here for ever if he cant he doesnt really have an arguement to going back as he is only deny the inevitable ,especially beens he has took income drops to be here in the end that will grind away at him in side knowing his earning capacity would be better at home and knowing his other half would be happy again will make him come to the decision to return .If i was you and the feelings are as strong as you state i would reinforce that your are extremly unhappy and focus on the fact he is earning less and you feel the future would be worse here in the long term ie possible breakup etc it would be better to return now before getting in real deep like i am and then you have to make some really really hard decisions in regards to children staying and goiing

Thanks so much for replying - good luck with the move - - I hope it is everything you want it to be xx

It's very difficult isn't it? I don't think anyone deliberately thinks they will move somewhere for less wages and a more stressful lifestyle do they? My children walked to school in the UK and I have made it more difficult for myself by moving somewhere where I now have to pick them up from school. I also miss my family and network of friends who I could call on to help me out (and vice versa). I gave up a great part time job that was not that demanding but I had all school holidays off and I was there with them before and after school. I have lost all my confidence now and have not had a job since I got here.

Does your husband have his job to go back to, or would he have to start from scratch again?

Poor you. the stage you are at is a horrible process that so many on this forum go through/have been through so we can relate to how you feel. dont think you are odd/unusal for feeling like you do. nothing, apart from living it, actually prepares you for how you will feel.
like you, my OH is happier here (and has a worse job)and i will be going back alone with the kids next week. he will stay for a couple of months because hes convinced i will see ive made a mistake going back so the door will be open for me to return. if i stay in the uk, he'll come back after 3mnths. i think me actually doing this probably shows to him and others how desperately sad i have been because under normal circunstances keeping the family unit together wouldve been paramount. Im not suggesting you do something this drastic as the fallouts horrible too - BUT perhaps you can afford to go back for a holiday/reckkie? show your OH, you did try it, and for you, the grass in uk is greener. as he may be like mine - worried that until u go back u dont know what youre missing
dont pretend though, youre not being true to yourself and itll screw u up. make sure OH knows how you feel. if you are unable to visit before packing everything away for good, will he set a timeline with you, ie, "we will re-evaluate wheres best to live in x months. if you are still not happy we will go home etc."
good luck
its not an easy situation to be in, but things do have a way of sorting themselves out in the end.
c xxx

Oh dear,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It seem that at the moment a few of us are. I have been to the docs this week and diagnosed depression, I could have told him that as uncontrollable crying for up to 4 hours is not normally something I do.

You really need to speak to your husband about your sadness. I just feel like I have died inside. I have been to NZ 3 times before so I knew what I was getting into. But holidays and living here are 2 different things. I was giving up work and we were going to live on one wage. I was giving up a job where I earned more than my hubby. The theory of just one wage and then less pay for that one seemed ok in the Uk whilst I was whisked away with the romance of a new life. Now we are here I am nearly having panic attacks because we really ahve committed financial suicide.
We have been here 3 months but I didn't have a honeymoon period, probably because I have been here before on hols.
My husband thinks we will cope on his salary, as we would have no mortgage but we would still struggle putting food in the fridge and we could never save for a rainy day. It's when you need to replace expensive items and kids need braces etc. that you realise how hard up you are on NZ wages.

We are going back because I would prefer to deal with the 'worlds' ills with a few bob in the bank and my family round me.

It has been an expensive lesson for me that the world all over isn't perfect and I will never find eutopia.
The biggest lesson of all I have learn though is how 'great' great britain is..............warts and all.

So please firstly get your self sorted and go to the docs, and if possible take your husband with you so he can see how sad you are.

Take care and you are not alone.

Jo

Hi Izzy,

I am feeling the same, but somehow the last few days have been a little better. We are not far from you, we live in Berwick and have 3 daughters aged 9, 10 and 11. Do you fancy meeting up for a coffee and a chat?
Send me a PM and we'll chat further, loooks like we may be able to help each other!!!

Tracy

Hi everyone and thanks for your replies. I can only say I am not choosing to feel this way and i certainly don't feel like it every day (dare i say hormones could indeed be playing a role !) but I knew I was in trouble when the cashier at the bank asked me if I like Oz and I burst out crying !!! How embarrassing ! had to apologise the next day !

I have actually made many lovely friends in Oz and feel very priviledged to have done so. A big thing with me is guilt attached to not earning any money. I am going to carry on registering with the temping agency but make sure that I make some time for me in between too ! Part of the problem is that I have been so focussed on making sure my daughter settled in, I forgot about what I needed ! Hubby and I have had a good talk tonight, so I have plenty of support and tomorrow is like a bl**dy social festival in my diary as a result of today !!

Thanks for the link to Culture Shock syndrome - that is exactly it ! It is nice to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel . I told myself today that if I manage to stay till the end of the year then perhaps I could aim for citizenship and then lets face it, if I manage that long, then if I haven't got myself a life here in that time I need sorting out !

I am indeed meeting up with other expats too! I think you're right in that you can learn about different coping mechanisms and help each other in the process ! It's a bit of a nightmare if you meet up when you are both on a down day - that happened to me the other evening and we were both in tears ! No good for anyone that, but at least we know we are all normal ! Anyway, thanks for all help and advice

Dear Izzy

First of all you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Now is not the time for major decisions. I strongly recommend, if you can, to see a counsellor and try to gain a focus on life.

Immigration is an emotional journey. It is not an easy one for many of us. My first 4 months here were among the worst I've been through (third worst period of my life). I ended up on anti-depressants and psychotherapy. Would I change it. No. It was one thread in the tapestry of life. And it is tru what they say - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I really think you need to first focus on managing the feelings, not making decisions. I wanted to make decisions too, but my wife helped refocus me. I am a psychologist and she is a counsellor. You can imagine the conversations we had... I did lots of negotiation, and planned 6 month reviews, 12 month reviews, etc. I encourage you to do the same. Set a date for review, and work on your feelings until then.

If you leave Australia now, it will not be easy on your return either. You will have, I think, perhaps many years of regret or at least 'what-ifs'. If you stay for a year then leave, at least you can say that you have had a life experience that you won't forget and that most do not have the opportunity to have. If you stay 2-3 years, you have the same, for longer, plus citizenship (if you are PRs).

But that will seem like forever to you just now. It is almost impossible to think rationally when you are in this space, which is why I suggest counselling. A good counsellor will explore the situation fully, look at the options with you, help you to set goals, and help you to put a plan in place to achieve them.

Believe me when I say I can empathise with your feelings. But I can also say that having experienced something similar to what you describe, 2.5 years on, with a baby, some time in a different career, many good memories, a new career for my wife, and dual citizenship for all of us, we are returning with no regrets. Whether it is the 'right' decision is a matter for hindsight to tell, but it is the right decision for us at this time, and if we chang our minds, then we can come back.

For you this is about managing these feelings right now - first aid. I understand that it is more complicated with an 8 year old, with school and so on, but I also believe that kids are far more flexible than us, and she will have some happy memories here.

What I am trying to say is please try to avoid making decisions right now. Concentrate on your feelings of loss and grief. You will be a stronger person for doing so, whatever you end up deciding in the end.

Only been in Canada for 7 years but I know how you feel, mate.
I'm at a low point because tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my Father's death and since his funeral I have not had opportunity / funds to tend his grave and lay fresh flowers on it and maybe just chat to him for a bit. I miss him very much.
In some respects I think I have adjusted to Canadian life, but then at other times I just think it's because I have 2 jobs and 3 kids and am so bloody busy I have no choice... But it's those quiet moments, rare though they are, where the pain comes through.

I don't know what to say except try not to let the place or your situation get you down. Personally if your having any doubts at all I would go back before the Oz trap tightens and makes it even harder to go back. I'd go back tommorrow if I could. Like you OH I too think that I need to make the whole effort worthwhile by sticking it out and trying to battle my way back to where we were, but then the more sane and rational part takes over and I think why bother.

Similar, but in australia, 6 years, 3 kids, 2 jobs...............

So bogged down with day to day life the effort of getting to the other side of the world again has sunk somewhere under the washing and the working

That is a very good point, the longer your away the harder it becomes, weve now been earning the aussie peso for 6 years that hardly helps, my eldest is now grown up, in serious relationship and has 3 more years of further ed to complete, 12 and 9 year old have a happy but pretty useless australian primary education

All major obstacles to overcome if we go back, most days now it just looks like too much effort.