scbrit

Sorry I can't offer great advice as its such a personal decision. I can tell you my experience, I know different to alot of people.

I married an American, lived in the US for 11 years (missed home terribly the first few years), then when the kids came along I guess our perspective changed, didn't know where we wanted to bring them up etc.. My husband had never lived in the UK so we made the move back to the UK to be near family (I didn't want to leave the US! but did as I didn't want my husband to get older and regret not trying it).

I loved being close to family but I saw less of them really, where as we had spent quality time when they came to visit for a couple of months and we were always on the webcam, now I just saw them in passing, always too busy! I really enjoyed being home but my husband couldn't adjust, we gave it 2 years, he felt claustrophobic with the weather, roads, parking etc. Anyway we had rented our house in the US, we had no money for a house deposit, and with the prices of housing and our wages we just couldn't afford to by a house that we would want, my husband was miserable, we made a pro's and con's list and it made me see that for us, we needed to move back to the US.

We moved back to the US this February, its going ok, the first few weeks I hated it and would have gladly got on a plane home, but I am feeling more settled now, love the kids playing in the back yard most days and going to the beach (as we live where its a warm climate). Husband is alot happier, for me, heart is still partially in England, head is in US. I have US citizenship, so it made it easy to come back, I am not ruling out going back sometime! With both moves, I didn't want to leave, and I guess its natural to miss things about the other country. Do you think you would regret going or not going?

cricket1again

I think it's perhaps not a good idea moving back for family. They have their own lives to lead as do you. They are nice to have around but you shouldn't make them the reason for returning.
If you can mould your life to your new surroundings and everyone is happy, then why not enjoy the moment and the opportunity? You can always move on to the next adventure when the time arrives. It's always your frame of mind that matters and the current moment, not what you've left behind. You can always go back to it but make sure it's for the right reasons.

I'm moving back to the UK next month but it's mostly for business reasons. I always excelled as a designer in the UK and I love the opportunity that exists for me there. I could stay in Oz and design beachwear forever but there would be no challenge and I hate the intense heat and dull landscape.
So i guess it all comes down to you as individual, your needs and what makes you content. If you're a family, then you have to compromise on what makes you happy as a whole unit.
Working it all out though gives you a headache but ultimately map towards your destination.

scbrit

Great post! Although I didn't move back only for family (may have sounded that way), it was just one of the reasons, mainly it was about us not wanting to regret not doing it, as we had wondered for years which country we would prefer, my husband had never lived in the UK, so there was no way to tell without trying.

Clangers

I'm right there with you Ian....been here 20 years, and fly back on 8th June with my soon to be 13 year old son!! Selling all my furniture, car, renting out my house (just in case I do come back - plus the market is crap right now), and will be going back to live with my parents (nightmare) until I get a job and find a place to live which will be 1/2 the size of what we are used to.... We don't care about the weather, happy to escape the heat, but I know my son is petrified...of the schools etc. Although one thing, he has a fantastic relationship with my parents, and we'll have more support (and my friends still) than I've ever had here over the last 20 years.... I HOPE I'm making the right decision, only time will tell, and I plan to give it 2 years to know if it is or not...

GOOD LUCK....being closer to my parents as they age (even though they are mid 60's) is my draw to return home...

Deb

Clangers

I Agree.....what an opportunity to travel around Europe (just a hop and a cheap one across the water), better education too in UK (I've heard). That's what I'm telling my son, how great it will be to see some history and show him around Europe - I can't wait to do that with him at least, maybe this Summer or next ...do the Euro Rail. My US dentist is sending his 4 boys to Europe...I know lots of people that would love that opportunity, and there it is on our doorstep.

Good luck in whatever you choose...

Clangers

I AGREE!!!! I left the UK at 24 and didn't look back and yet moving back 20 yrs later is harder, even though I don't class California as my home....but the UK I always call it home. Plus, my Dad not being able to travel anymore helps the decision a bit more, along with my Mum getting poorly....nothing worse being so far away when your family is sick.

JustBecause

We are in a v similar position to the OP: me at home with a 1yr old & thinking of having another child soon but DP has got a good job out here being the major difference. We have been here 18mths & are pretty sure we will be going back in about 6mths time.

I think it is the point about kiddies growing up with grandparents that is the killer. There is no substitute to having your own family around, assuming you get on with them!, for you or the kids. We've only had four nights out since our son was born and no time out during the day just by ourselves without the baby which is really getting us down. SUre, we could pay for childcare & to a certain extent it would be similar back in the UK but at least some of the times we could have family to look after the baby & everyone's a winner. There is no point in us being in this country (which has some pretty amazing plus points) when we can't go out to do things or see things here because we are tied down always being with a baby or young children. Yes, it is great doing things with our son but not 100% of the time all the time when you know you can't ever have just one afternoon off.

It is better here for very young kids though I think. Mainly the ability to go out in reasonable weather most of the time, great playparks, child friendly cafes, etc But I don't think I can face having a second child without grandparents around for practical reasons (my sanity!), for the sake of the grandparents as on my side I am the only child producing the only grandchildren & of course for the kids.

Funny thing at the moment is I am missing going out in the rain with my son so have just ordered a rain suit for him from the UK. I think we will be the only people out when it is raining tho! as all the mums from my mums' group think it is too cold to go out with their children if it is not over 24C! I actually met someone who told me her 7yr old had not felt rain on his skin until they went on holiday overseas as they always stayed indoors here when it rained. Weird! I have promised I will not moan about the weather when back in the UK. I am sure it will happen but is there any comparison between having good weather & family? You'd be heartless to chose the weather over family surely.

brits1

I have to agree on the first part of your reply...Our son graduated from Yr12 last Dec (08) when the principle read out what each student wanted to do in life I was really taken aback by how many of the students wanted either "to return to the U.K to live" or wanted to work in the U.K/Europe, one student wanted to work in America and only 3 mentioned working in Aus......why was I taken aback...well because we are forever told what a fantastic place Aus is...(to some it is) but if your are told that on a constant level from being young you would surely not feel the need to travel.....must be something in the blood....it is for our two sons...no matter what we have achieved and done here in Aus...our two boys are English/British through and through and home is home to them....and that's just not Australia

made of kent

This a little off the cuff, but years ago (1988 to be precise!) I was working in a pub in the UK and 4 lads ranging from my age 18 to about 29 came in and some times chatted with an old fellow who I presumed to be the father of the younger 2 as the older 2 had Ozzie accents, took me months to realise they where all brothers and the chap was their father! I asked him one day "how come?" he explained that they had returned home when the youngest was 13 next 15 they had lost there accents at scholl the older two had kept them, "why come home?" he said with amazing frankness and no bitterness, well we had been there 18 yrs to the day and we where having a b-b-q and I turnd to my wife and said "this is the life!" and she replied by bursting into tears and said "I hate it here" "since when?" "since we arrived! I wanted to make a go of it as it was our dream" and after all he said " what is 18 years is it wasn't a go? so we packed up and came back, and my wives family and friends backed her up saying in her letters she was unhappy but not to tell him! so the moral is you have given it a go and now you give the UK a go again! good luck all

DonnyWhite

Isnt this sad. I dont want to be in this situation in years to come. In my case though its me wanting to go home and my partner living a dream. Kids just want to please both and be happy.
We hope to go back this time next year, I will go first and get a job (easily I hope) then they will follow as soon as that arises.

beatle

Hi
I have an 18mth old and have lived in Oz for 7 years. We have decided to return but not until things settle a little economically!

I recently was talking to a older migrant who recently returned for a visit to her home country with her 32year old son. On return he said to his mother, why did you take us away from our grandparents? I would rather have stayed with them at home! Wow what a guilt trip!

It is hard to know what to do sometimes, I suppose you can't have it all. You have to pick what is important to you at the time. Maybe the kids need to get to know their relatives and you can have the support.
Don't look back or too far forward, think about the now!

mimidog

Dave, I really feel for you as we're in a very similar position, and trying to make the 'right' decision is so, so difficult. I too have tried writing a thread myself so gauge some opinions, but really have no idea where to start... So many of the things you wrote are what I would have written too, if I could have gotten the words out at all.

Maybe there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' decision to be made here. I think that's true for our situation. Think I'm at risk of rambling on myself now, so best leave it there..... Good luck whatever you end up doing, wherever you end up doing it!

ezzie

I don't think I've ever read a thread which I've found to bear such relevence to me. Been here 23 years, have older teens (Yr 11) and although we're incredibly comfortable here in Sydney, it's like life is always lacking and emotionally empty. If I draw up a list of pros and cons...well, we'd be potty to return. But when I'm back in England I feel alive, I just love the banter in the street, how people will chat and engage with you. It's friendly here...but you'll mostly only get a polite nod and smile before they scoot off away from the nutter who tried to talk to them at 90 mph! I must admit there's some glorious exceptions though, but the UK always seems to offer a richness I don't find here....although it's hard to really judge without wearing a 'holiday hat' when on trips back to the UK.

So....we want to go back. But we've no supportive parents there (they're awful!). My parents are here in Oz....they came over to be with the grandkids, which is why I didn't go back sooner. So you can see the mess we're in as they'd never go back (couldn't afford it now, have their friends here and the cold would kill them). So a right pickle....

It's hard looking for work in the UK - looks like a pretty huge drop in pay for both of us, but I keep thinking of those green fields and trying not to think of the sink estates. The thing that most worries me is finding a school for the kids and how they'll cope with the rougher elements of the UK.

Thank you everyone contributing on this thread, brilliant to know we're not alone in our plight.

dave7370

I'm very grateful to all those who've replied and so glad that it's not just us who have found themselves in this situation.

I know the decision we made those months ago was right then, as it still is now.

quoll

Boy I can relate to that one! Good on him for realizing that his choice was killing his wife and doing something about it.

There is no logic sometimes to what makes you want to stay in a place and what makes someone else's utopia your hell on earth.

I'd say to the OP that you have made very cogent arguments for why it would be better back in UK - I hope that your decision is the right one for you. I just yearn for the chance to be "me" again, to feel alive and not be living in this half life limbo. All logic goes out the door when you just know where you belong and where you dont!