dave7370

I've been delaying putting a thread up for a while, mainly due to the fact I just didn't know what to say, so here goes.

Everything is arranged for us to move back to England in about 6 weeks time, but I can't help thinking it's a massive mistake.

How things were:
The decision to move back however was taken before I was laid-off, as great as life was here, it was also pretty lonely. I was at work during the week and my wife was essentially left to her own devices with our toddler. We did know people but either found we had little in common which makes conversation difficult, or they were just annoying and didn't want to see them anyway. We had family coming to see us, but knew once they had left we'd have no idea when we'd see them again, thus being back to feeling lonely. My wife was finding life without her friends from the UK hard and when another baby was on the cards, being without her mom just made it harder. So, after much deliberation, endless discussion and weighing up the financial side of things we booked flights and shipping.

What's happened since:
We've met some great people and actually have a social life. We've explored a lot more around the area where we live and spent some quality time together as a family. Currently, I'm out of work and have been for nearly 3 months now, and as nice as the time off is (especially with a new baby), it doesn't pay the bills. I have been applying for every job I'm qualified for and more and just getting nowhere, which has now got me to this point whereby I've just stopped.
I'm waiting to hear on a job in England at the moment with a company I used to deal with through my old job, it's looking promising and we'd be back in the area we used to live in which is a bonus.

So what now?
We're caught in a Catch 22:
The things we love about here we're not fond of in the UK and visa versa.
We've made some great friends, but also have long term great friends back in the UK.
We like the climate in Oz, but never hated the UK climate either.
My wife and I were heavily involved with our g'parents and want the same for our kids.
I have more chance of getting work in the UK, but would probably find work eventually here.

I guess I'm just confused as what is best for us, there's pro's and con's to living in both country's and ultimately I just don't want to fail my family. I am looking forward to a lot of things back in Blighty but after the initial excitment of that wears off, what then?


(My apologies if this is just a rambling mess, I think it made more sense in my head)

scbrit

How long have you lived in Oz? Its such a difficult decision and I think having a social network is so important in settling down. How easy would it be to give it another 6 months? just to see what might have been.. Good Luck with what ever you end up doing.

ukintexas

Hi there Dave

My specific thoughts on your quandry would be:

We're caught in a Catch 22: Welcome to the expat world! I think all of us who relocate become caught in this same problem. Nomadic somehow, not sure where is the best place to be, pros and cons for both.
The things we love about here we're not fond of in the UK and visa versa. Not sure this is a problem specific to having relocated, as you could break this down further into different towns in the UK having things you do and don't like. This comes down to weighing up the things you DO love about each location and working out which of those likes means more - ie friends in OZ vs friends in UK for example.
We've made some great friends, but also have long term great friends back in the UK. Kind of touched on this in previous questions answer, but I would say that nothing beats history and longevity in friendships and I"m sure the friends in Oz that you've now made are lovely, but ultimately IMHO the longer term friends carry more weight.
We like the climate in Oz, but never hated the UK climate either. The second part of your point re the UK climate is your answer to this one!
My wife and I were heavily involved with our g'parents and want the same for our kids. MASSIVE POINT! You will never replicate this in Oz and if that is important to you, that alone is a deal breaker.
I have more chance of getting work in the UK, but would probably find work eventually here. This is a hedge your bets kind of point really because I'm sure you'll find work eventually in Oz. It's almost like you're saying it in a way that sums up the second thoughts that you're naturally having at the moment. "UK is better propsect, but here is OK too" - it's like having your inner voice tell you one thing, but give you the safety net too!

I guess I'm just confused as what is best for us, there's pro's and con's to living in both country's and ultimately I just don't want to fail my family. I am looking forward to a lot of things back in Blighty but after the initial excitment of that wears off, what then?

I am sure many of us on here will understand what you are going through. There is, unfortunately, no simple answer to the situation you (and many others) find yourself in. I always expalin the problem as being that the pros for staying in a location such as Oz tend to far outweigh the pros for going home in terms of the sheer amount of them. However, the pros for going home tend to have more weight to them although might be less in number!

From what I can see of what you are saying, I'd have to say I can see the advantage to returning to the UK. All the things you have on Oz are in the UK for you (OK, not the sun but you've said that's not going to bother you!), in abundance - the friends you have in the UK have history with you and appear to be important to your wife, the grandparents you want your kids to know, your job prospects are better in your opinion.

I think you're just caught in the position of wanting to be 100% sure that it's going to be the right decision going back - from all the things you've described I think you HAVE made the decision to go and will have done so after weighing up the important elements to you. You're now simply having second thoughts which is completely natural in this situation. I imagine I would be exactly the same.

Just so that you know I do understand, I have been living in the US for 4 years and have just started evaluating whether we want to go home or not. Like you, we have many things here that we like, and would not be able to replicate in the UK. However, the pull of family and friends is overwhelming and we've found the longer we're here, the harder that becomes. I had thought time would make it easier.

I am sure more BE members will come along to say their piece and hopefully all of our points will help you clear your own thoughts. I always find people's experiences and viewpoints invaluable when I'm trying to look at my own options.

dave7370

We've been here nearly 18 months, and without a job staying another 6 would blow a massive hole in what would be a decent deposit on a house in the UK.
With me not having a job I guess the 'virtual' world we're living in has clouded our view of whats really going on.

Manf

Look mate......you have answered all your troubles yourself in your first post.
I think you are ready to go back, and you know, your both young enough to give it a go in a few years time if you feel the need to. The kids ae still babies so they wont really know any difference.

Right now you need to provide for your family, and if aint happening here then you need to go where it is.

Good luck , keep the faith and keep smiling mate

DonnyWhite

Hi Dave,
This is my first post and thanks for making it easier for me to start. I too am in a similar position to you and am PETRIFIED to make the wrong decision. My wife and I have been here 18 years and for most of the last 10 years I have been desperately homesick. Eventually my long suffering wife (Ruth) has decided we can go and take our proudly Australian Sons with us. You think I'd be happy right? Wrong!

I'm nervous.

We have little money (but both got good job prospects) and yet Ruth wants to keep the house on and rent it out. And I just want to go back and would willingly live in a hovel. But The Kids!!! I worry that I can not make their lives as free and as easy as they are here, and I am in some way punishing them.

I come from a very downtrodden part of Yorkshire and yet it is still home.. The land I love and yearn for.

Regards,
Ian

tinamichelle

Hi dave,

I hope it all works out for you whether you go or stay.

I've been here 19 years now and I still feel like I want to go home.
Having a good social network is so important to settling in, so good on you for achieving that.

Nothing beats the old gang though and the sense of familiarity.

If you can stick it out until you gain citizenship you probably should, but still with all its positives aus may just not be for you and you family, but only you can know this.

My kids (12 &14) were born here and sometimes I wish I had gone home earlier, as our dilemma now is how will the kids settle in a place we both love be is so foreign to them.

But as you say there are pros and cons of both places and we always try to do the best by our family, so we consider things like education, bigger houses with swimming pools and thing we can't by them in the uk.

I can't give my kids a sense of history here though and I regret this sometimes, you can imagine what I mean, things like family, villages, churches
memorable holiday places or even just school history. Both hubby and me struggle to help our kids in this area and i'm always saying "sorry can't help you answer that, I didn't grow up here".

I thing there would be very few of us who can make this change and not feel like you, and i agree it does make more sense in the head.

In our case we have come to the decision that we didn't have a bad life in england so we are going home (don't no when, keep putting if off, waiting until we have more money etc)

I wish you and you family lots of luck making the same decision as many of us are trying to make.

dave7370

Hi Ian (and welcome to BE!),

The part about feeling like you'll be punishing the kids is the same as how I feel, do I take away a probably better future for them but deny them the grandparents and the other things I grew up with?.... or return to Birmingham where the g'parents are but take away the space and opportunities here?

I'm not knocking either country and I'm sure our kids will grow up well adjusted kids, with their own minds in either place. I guess now being a parent to two little kids has thrown up things I'd never have even thought about before.

What ever you decide for you and your family ,I hope the future goes well for you fella.

tinamichelle

I so feel for your situation, wouldn't it be nice if we could predict the future so we only ever did the right thing.

good luck to you too!

cricket1again

Ian

A lot of young Australians would kill for the chance to go to the UK and see Europe. You could try seeing the big dilemma as giving your children an experience many only can dream of. It's just a thought but while you're worrying yourself about so much, you could be missing the wonderful opportunity you might be giving them by showing them another lifestyle. That's how I'd look at it anyway. My children were schooled in the UK but now have the chance to live in either England or Australia. They are the envy of their friends. Look at the bigger picture.

kericare

would love to meet up with you,as we have been there and done it,and are now back here let me know kerrie

Heljinder

Hi,

Just wanted to say, I too am in a very similar situation to yours. My flight home with our boys is booked for beginning of July (hubby is staying on for a couple of months), and yet I still agonize over whether it's the right thing to do.

I could say 'ditto' to most of the points you raise, so I fully understand everything you're going through.

We've only been in Australia for a year, and it that time I've grown to quite like it here, and can see some real benefits to staying. But, the pull of family, old friends and familiarity are huge. I'm tired of waking up everyday and doing battle with myself over which country is better for us. I want to get on with my life again, and not be cursed with this indecisiveness.

As you say there are pros and cons to living in both countries, and like you I'm frightened of making a mistake by going back to England, but it's a case of biting the bullet. Hubby will have to work away again for a while until he finds the right job (his profession isn't effected by recession). We still have our house in England, but we may have to sell at some point and go to wherever hubby finds suitable employment.

I'm prepared to go through all the uncertainty and upheaval of moving though, because as I said before, I'm tired of constantly arguing with myself about which country is better for us all.

I'm sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom, but I can empathise.

Do I want to grow old and die in Aus? No, I don't think so. Maybe if I'd done this in my twenties it would have been different, but being in my forties with well established friendships in England and parents who can't travel here makes it very difficult to settle.

Strangely, the decision to move back is way harder than than it was coming here.

Best of luck to you and your family. I hope it works out well for you wherever you finally settle.

jonfrank123

I just moved back from Canada 5 weeks ago. It's absolutely normal to have the jitters before such a masive decision. I was swaying between going and not going right up until the final day almost, but here I am and it's great.

For the first few weeks being back here was like being on another planet, you can never underestimate how things have moved along until you get back, but now I'm slotting back in nicely,

So it will be fine

Jonathan

DonnyWhite

Spot on! and thats what Im doing I just hope I can afford to do those things with them when we are there. Hope we are a success as it were.

As for the kidz living in either England or Australia.. they are under explicit instructions they must ALWAYS live near each other and near DAD. lol.
Thanks mate I appreciate your sentiments.

cricket1again

You're welcome. I have discovered that the untravelled pomme, Aussie and Kiwi are the most frustrating and infuriating people to connect with because they have nothing to talk about. You'll be doing your kids a massive favour by broadening their horizons on all levels. They'll probably know more than you ever did and it will hurt when they talk to you like you know nothing. But at least you'll be happy knowing you expanded their opportunities and perspective. Lord knows, we need a few more big thinkers in the world.