ian-mstm

It's often difficult to make a determination of which road we should take. JFK was quite eloquent when he said something similar. I prefer Robert Frost's version: http://www.bartleby.com/119/1.html. Like you, I didn't want to go through life wondering "what if".

Ian

ljaw2002uk

LE10 - I am not going to respond to your various points, because I think you have probably heard enough from others on here already! You do seem to have had an awful run of bad luck though, in a very short space of time.

I doubt very much you just wanted a response either way on leave or stay, because no sensible person would base a life changing decision off advice on an internet forum! I think you probably wanted to vent a little bit, and get some sympathy, and I don't blame you one bit! That is human nature.

Immigration is incredibly tough, it is an enormous thing to do, and you have to make decisons that will have a drastic impact on you and your loved ones. On top of that when things don't go smoothly it can be very stressful.

I also gave up a very comfortable life in the UK, upon arriving in the US I was unable to work for six months and I admit that I came close to booking a flight home on more than one occasion. Things happened with family back home (nothing like with your mother though), and I felt helpless that I wasn't there even if it meant just giving moral support.

This forum has been hugely supportive for me during my journey and just keeping me from being lonely when I first arrived. People like Ian, although he can be short and sarcastic, can give you a great deal of support and advice, and I think you may very well need it regardless of your next move.

Cool off, accept that people aren't going to treat you with kid gloves, and stay around, BE can be a very useful tool for you.

I really hope things with your mother have a positive outcome, and your other worries are resolved.

Welcome to the US.

lumpommer

Bob, Bob, Bob - Put it back

le10

Lumpommer,

There's no need for it to be put back.

I saw your comment, so you had the effect you wanted.

It's a shame you feel that way. I did apologise and explained why I had reacted that way.

Your comment was pretty cruel...

Still it's a forum and it's your prerogative to say what you think.

Good luck to you.

Jerseygirl

Take no notice of him...he's not a regular in the US forums. He usually posts to shock people and ends up looking like a fool.

Duncan Roberts

You can also easily tell the people who wanted to live in a foreign country and had realistic expectations and those who liked the idea of living in a foreign country and came with unrealistic expectations. You seem to be the latter. Everything you mentioned, other than the cancer, is common place when moving to any country as 30 minutes of searching older posts here will show. What you should do depends on you and the options are not quite the ones you listed. The first option is to accept the reality is very different to what you expected, adjust your expectations accordingly and stay. The other is to accept that the reality is very different to what you expected, cut your losses and move back. You will have to do one because if you don't things will just get worse.

The cancer throws in a curve ball but you are not the only person who has had a similar thing happen to them soon after they moved. If you decide to stay you have to talk to your mum, your family and your employer to see what can be worked out. Unless you worked it out in your contract or you work for a very generous company, it's unlikely you will be able to get any sort of long term time off, especially with job protection, like you would in the UK so that may force your hand. Oh, and unless your realtor is an idiot there should be a get out clause in the contract you signed when you put the offer on the house. It may cost you your deposit but again, if your realtor wasn't an idiot that should be less than $1000.

Brigette

le10,

I completely understood your original post. You are stressed and in an environment where you don't really know anyone and I'm sure going through culture shock as well. I don't know what the right thing to do is for you..but hang in there.

I have gotten great advice from the UK forum (and this one as well). Try posting in the UK forum I have found it to be quite welcoming

lumpommer

Thats quite harsh - give me an example where I look a fool.

Jerseygirl

I admit fool isn't the first word that springs to mind when reading your threads in TIO...but I thought I'd be polite.

lumpommer

So I can take it that you are rather impressed with my acumen then.

Well thanks.

HarryTheSpider

Hi Paul

First, welcome.

Second, contrary to 1 or 2 postings on this thread, I think BE is exactly the place to come and get sympathy, or at the very least, empathy.

When the only medium of communication is asynchronous text, then it is incredibly easy for misunderstandings to emerge quickly, especially when at least one party is under a ton of stress.

You've had some great suggestions of things to do in your current situation.

What I can offer is a sense for you that you are not alone.

Tomorrow will be our first anniversary of arriving here in the US, and it's been more difficult that we anticipated, and we had about as easy a move as can be. There are many things here that are simply different - a different bureaucracy with different ways of f*@king you up. There are also different values in unexpected areas - certainly where we are down here in Arizona.

I think it may be easier for non UK people moving here - it's easy to make the assumption that we 'know' the US culture because we have so much of it (!) beamed to our TV sets for the past couple of decades. So when we run in to differences, it's unexpected. When we're under pressure etc, either self imposed or not, we can react negatively - I know at times I have.

We allowed a year to get ourselves sorted. It hasn't quite worked out that way - we had unexpected expenses from trips to ER this summer, not planned, plus Mrs HTS isn't working at the moment, so we're missing a bunch of revenue we'd anticipated having right now, and we had a minor car incident that the crappy insurance industry is slowly sorting out, possibly(!).

The simplest practical advice I'd offer if asked is this: take note of the things you can influence, and the things you can't. For the things you can influence, determine if you need to do more or less, or stop doing all together, each of these. You'll soon get a sense of control back, and that makes a heck of a difference.

For the things you can't influence, take note of those that really aren't important... and just forget about them. Of those that are important, see if there's a way to influence indirectly, in which case, apply the steps in the previous paragraph. If you can't influence even indirectly, and they're important, keep them on your radar, and seek to minimise their effects - again, see para above.

Things won't be perfect, but they'll be tolerable, you'll have effective coping strategies etc, and you'll feel and actually be, more in control.

Good luck!

Cheers

Harry The Spider

NSBlake

Great to see many helpful/kinder posts coming through - this is when the BE forum is at its best in my opinion. This forum can be a very good source of info and support.

tonrob

The only two posts whih I would have rated as "unkind" have both since been deleted, and the first of these was by the OP himself.

NSBlake

Interesting - my rating system must be different to yours, but we are all different.

Hovik

Done.