pumaking

Hi i'm new to all this so please bear with me.

I have been in australia 3 months and for 2 months its been pretty bad. I feel like I want to go back and be with my friends and my small family who I trust and love.

My marriage was struggling before we arrived and to be honest for a few years before that since my husband had a one nighter with a friend of mine, I thought coming here would be a positive move to get us back on track but who was I kidding.

I guess it was a bit like thinking a baby would bring us closer to together (luckily we didnt do that)

I feel my life is disappearing before my eyes, I am 40 and need to make a change now before we go on like this for another few years, I dont feel I can bring this back. I guess I am scared to make the decision and move back lots of emotions running through my head I dont want people thinking the worse of me and me admitting my marriage has failed is something i'm not looking forward to.

I really hope people who feel their marriage is struggling before they arrive dont think that moving abroad is going to mend their marriage the chances are it wont.

thanks for listening to me ramble I had to get it off my chest

NikkiNu

It takes a long time to get used to a new place/country/culture. Its a stressful thing to emmigrate, which is probably putting a lot of strain on you and your relationship. Perhaps that is colouring your view of life in Oz?? The familiar is much easier, hence the homesickness !! I suffered with it too, and have worked hard to build a new life and almost 2 years later am feeling quite settled. I hope that happens for you too - good luck.

pumaking

Hi Nikki, Australia is fine and really nice and have met some lovely people its not wanting to be with my OH thats the problem.

For the first month I honestly though it would work out between the 2 of us, but to be honest its not and dont know if I can keep on trying nothings changed.

Thanks for the reply

claire edwards

Hi Pumaking,

Welcome to BE.

Sorry to hear your news. Have you got someone here you can talk to about this - do you have a support network? Where abouts are you in Oz?

I suppose the hardest thing will be making the decision on what you want to do.

Dont forget, 40 is the new 30!!! Just remember that.

cricket1again

If you're really sure your marriage is over, you probably would better going home to your family. That way at least you'll have the support of those who care about you. A break up is always tough when you're in your normal environment. It's very difficult when you're in a foreign country, I know, I speak from experience.

I wouldn't worry one bit about what anyone else thinks and I wouldn't think you were a failure because it didn't work, at least you tried.
Having said that, 3 months isn't long enough to give living in Australia a reasonable chance but from what you've said, it was a last ditch attempt to save your marriage and this is the bigger issue right? Not whether you like Oz or not.
I think I'd be going home to mum and family and rebuilding my life in an area I know. Good luck anyway. There's a new life ahead no matter what.

pumaking

thanks claire, I have people i know but no one I can confide in and that I feel I can talk to about this sort of stuff.

Have spoke to my friends in UK who know how I have been feeling, one of them always said I should have left him in the first place, she is from a marriage where he cheated on here.

Its all a big mess really not sure why I thought things would change just by getting on a plane.

dickchap

Emigrating is a very stressful time, even the most stable of marriages can feel the strain (mine included). It's hard not having the network of close friends and families around or just at the other end of a phone at a reasonable hour! People you know and trust and know your history. It's hard to confide in peoople that you have only known a few weeks. Did you have marriage counselling after his one nighter? I suppose you know in your heart if your marriage isn't going to work. Does he feel the same? Maybe you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. It will be hard for you both to make a life here if one of you are very unhappy. It will also cloud your judgement on wether you can have a happy life in OZ or not. I say, talk to him and take it from there. Good luck and I hope you are happy soon. X Nikki

claire edwards

I think it's only natural to think by you both getting away may improve on the situation, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who have done the same.

Be true to yourself and don't make a decision based on what other people may think.

Try and find someone you can talk to who can give you an unbiased opinion.

Claire

folic

It's good to get it off your chest. Problems such as yours don't go away through discussing them, though, as we all realise. When you log-out, the problem's still there, so whilst we might try to help, it's still comes back to you.

It's painful, your situation. It hurts. It's depressing. And it colours your view of everything. It can take years out of your life. It can make you feel ancient and unattractive. And it can demotivate you so that you find your life has become a situation where you're just going through the motions and feeling sad most of the time.

So maybe you could sit down somewhere alone with a sheet of paper and jot down two (or more if you like) columns. Call them anything you like.

In one column, you could jot down all the reasons to remain in your marriage. It might be points such as the friendship you and he have (if you actually do), for example.

You might write down in one column, (if it's true), ' Can't live without him'. However, you might write instead, ' I can easily live without him '.

You might write, ' I've been happier since I met him'.

BUT .. you might instead write, on the other side of the page, ' I've been mostly miserable since I met him'.

Only you know these things.

So that's a good first step --- a list of pros and cons. Or, put another way, you could head your colums 'Reason to stay with him' and on the opposite side of the page, 'Reasons to end this relationship'.

A good idea would be to do the same thing every week for a month or two -- write your two columns up. At the end of a couple of months, you should be able to see how you really feel.

If, at the end of a couple of months, you find your jottings are fairly consistent --- well, then you'll have a much clearer idea of what to do.

On the other hand, if your responses vary wildly, depending on whether or not you and he have had a good week, or he's been extra romantic or whatever --- then it will be clear to you that you're not ready to make a decision and will need to give it more time to sort out your feelings about your relationship.

Once you know where you're going with your relationship, you'll be in a better position to decide whether or not to remain in Australia. So, at the same time as you're filling in your personal lists each week, you could also do the same thing as far as returning to UK/staying in Oz is concerned. Same thing .. two columns (or more if you like) with what you consider are reasons to stay, opposes your reasons for returning to UK. Again, if after a couple of months your feelings have remained consistent, you'll be able to see that your need to return to UK, friends, family, etc. are not just a whim or caused by a temporary mood or setback.

On the other hand, if there's not much consistency in your weekly column responses, you'll be able to see that you're not committed to any plan of action yet --- in which case, the wise people used to advise, 'When in Doubt, Don't '.

Leaving your partner and leaving Australia are not necessarily the same thing.

You could leave your partner and still make a great life for yourself in Oz.

Or, you might decide that with all it's problems and pains, you still want to continue the relationship with him, but in the UK, rather than in Oz.

Whichever way it goes, don't see any decision you make as 'failure'.

You could fly back to UK, solo, with a grin from ear to ear and (to all those you suspect might ask rude, nosy questions) say: ' Yes, Oz is great but at the moment I prefer the UK. Him ? Oh, I left him in Oz. ' You'd sound like a strong, independent woman to me, if I heard that. And I'd think, ' Wow -- she's a smart girl who knows her own mind ! '

The very fact you're worried about what others will think says to me that your confidence isn't as good as it should be .. which is what happens when someone's spat on your trust and faith in them.

Big confidence drop also happens to women who've taken a man back after he's cheated. You wonder what attracted him .. what did she have .. how could he do that to you .. does he still think about her .. are they in contact .. etc. And you feel you've taken the subservient position .. have pretty much given them permission to do what they like and you'll still put up with it. It makes you feel you've handed them all the ace-cards.

No, not at all. You've been brave in having him back as you did. Brave. You've taken a body blow, yet your love has pulled itself up from the floor and tried again. You've risked horrible pain, by opening your heart to him again. It's a strong .. not weak .. person who can do that.

You've shown you're 'bigger'. You've been big enough to forgive and it's not easy. You've been big enough to give him and your relationship another chance.

You're the opposite of weak, petty, ego-ridden. You haven't tried to 'get even'. You've had more faith in him than he has in himself.

But, the fact may be that he's a juvenile, no matter how intellectually smart he may be. He's slave to his sex drive and ego and stupidity and lack of consideration and loyalty.

So out of the two of you, you are the better person.

But that's not what you were put on earth to prove. You're not his mother or his comfort pillow. And the fact that your confidence is down, indicates you're not receiving the assurances he owes you.

You need to get that confidence back. And the fastest way to do that is by assuming some control in what is, after all, your life.

You can inject a sense of control by making honest assessments of the future of your relationship with him, based on your weekly columns --- similarly with your weekly columns re: the pros and cons of your life and future in Oz as compared with UK.

And remember --- nothing is forever.

It's your life and you can change your mind any time you like.

Give yourself a hug and put a smile on your face. Think back to the time in your life when you felt really good about yourself -- then hold that thought. That's the girl you're going to be again ! You are your own best friend -- and anything you need is already right there inside you.

All the best

Chi_town

I think folic has given you great advice, as have the previous posters.
Emigrating puts a huge, huge strain on the best of relationships. And it does make you feel very isolated as you have no-one to confide in. It's just not the same on the 'phone, you really need to have your best buddy sitting right next to you with a cup of tea (or something stronger!)

Please don't dwell on what you think people will say if you leave your husband and/or return to the UK. You need to do what you need to do, and you know, its a 7 day wonder, people will ask and then move onto something else.

I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Use this forum to vent, complain, get advice whatever. I always find I can think more clearly when I write something down and some of the input you get can be very thought-provoking, they are a great bunch of people on here!

Susie.

Englishtart

Sorry to hear about your sad situation, you are right to advise people in similar situations that a move to the other side of the World will not improve an unstable relationship. There are too many stresses involved and unless you are both committed in trying to stay together, it just can't help to put yourself under more stress.
Lots of great advice for you in this thread, but as has been stated already, you are the only one that can 'know' the right thing for you. I would suggest that at this point you really don't have much to lose by having an all out drag out 'airing' of your feelings, your hurts and your needs with your partner. You never know, he may just surprise you and tell you that he wants to 'try' and make a life for you both there, maybe he is feeling that it's just not worth trying, because he doesn't feel that you want to be with him anyway? I have no idea, these are just thoughts, you may have already got past this stage by now. I don't presume to tell you what to do.
Whatever you chose to do, it is your right to chose, obviously you would feel better back home with your family/friends, they can validate your feelings and support your choice. I would just urge you to be sure in yourself that you have done everything you can, so you know that you are not going to get back home and start wondering 'what if?'
Good luck hun, I wish you all the very best, what ever you decide to do

quoll

Oh dear {{{hugs}}} (where is the hug icon when you need it?)

I think you have a lot going on at the moment - 3 - 6 months is the "OMG what the hell am I doing here?" time of the migration process so add that into your thinking.

Your marriage - well that's a whole other ball game and as the others have said, nothing penetrates the cracks in a relationship quite like moving to the other side of the world! May I suggest that you book yourself a session with a counsellor at Relationships Australia? You dont need to take the OH although you might, in talking with them, decide that is what you want to do later on - then again you may not, they may help you crystallize what it is that you are thinking and help you firm up on a decision to wave him goodbye.

My guess is that if you have perceptive friends back home they will say what your one friend has already said to you and that you should have left him years ago and they will welcome you with open arms! No failure about that at all. Sometimes friends hold back and dont tell you what they really think about your chosen partner because they still want to be your friend! Friends can be really good pr*t detectors if you ask them outright!

If you have no kids you should be fine to just pack up and leave - it's when there are kids involved that many (usually) wives find themselves stuck here because their exes wont let them leave with the kids and the Aussie courts will always back the one who wants them to stay in Aus.

At the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your needs because no one else is going to do that for you! Good luck!!!!

cricket1again

Plus you've had a double betrayal with both your husband and your friend deceiving you. That's a difficult thing to recover from. I'd just put you first for now, go where you feel the most comfortable and supported and just give yourself time to get back on track.
Talking to a counsellor will help confirm your feelings one way the other plus it will give you the chance to vent how you feel. You must have put on a brave face and gone along with things just for the sake of trying. Time to face reality maybe and think about where to go from here.

pumaking

wow thank you so much everyone for the relpies and advice I cant believe you would take so much time out to give someone advice like that.

At the moment we are finding it quite hard to communicate and funnily enough a few months back I did do the column thing and write down all my feelings to se if we could save our marriage, I found many more reasons to go than stay

also yes I am suffering from very low self esteem and I know I shouldnt worry about what other people think, some days I find it difficult to leave the house because I feel so down.

anyway thank you for taking the time I have a lot to think about and you have given me some great food for thought.

MartynK

This is very tough. Emigration is a big step, particularly when you don't know the country you're going to, and you don't have anyone to offer support at the other end. It sounds as if you really wanted to save your marriage, and getting a "fresh start" to help you to deal with the personal stuff is appealing, but a lot of these problems don't go away. They can just make it even more difficult to adjust to your new situation.

You'll find support and friends on here, but none of us know you personally. Have you thought about getting professional counselling? A good counsellor won't try to solve any of the problems for you, but will help you to get things straight in your own mind and make the right choices.

FWIW, don't worry about being 40! I'm 55, and I've lived in South Africa for nearly 30 years. My wife went home nearly three years ago, for a long holiday, and decided to stay there. She didn't tell us until it was a fait accompli, for various reasons, and it was a difficult time. I was very reluctant to return, but we've visited each other a few times (I hadn't been to the UK for 20 years) and I'm planning to return for good in a couple of months now. I'm actually looking forward to it, and I couldn't have seen myself feeling that way a year ago. I'm not religious, or fatalistic, but there have been a few events in my life which have persuaded me that some things are meant to happen, if you allow them to. All the best, truly.