dzzy

she will be 18 in a few weeks, i wanted her to go back when she told us at christmas. I cannot stand the fact that she is still with him, she is my child and i love her, faults and all. As a mother i cannot disown her. My husband is convinced that she must have known about his involvement before, maybe yes, i dont know. I have even tried speaking to the NIC officer to see if they have anything at all on him that would send him down...anything to break the relationship up...how awful am i?? A desperate mother concerned for her grandchild.

Trixie_b

in a few weeks she'll be able to do anything she wants. Let her

Make sure that she knows you love her and that you will accept her back into you house whenever she wants to (not him).

let them find out it's not easy out there,

dzzy

that is obvious to all Sally, but the police have no proof, they deny it, but there is no way our rotti would let anyone he didnt know well near the house, he also new which lock was broken and that my husband would be out getting the parts to fix it, the locality of the safe etc. The DNA still has not come back, and we are talking from october 2008, I have spoken in desperation to the NIC officer about this, but ours is still at the bottom of the pile due to far more serious crimes. If I could put him away i would, if i knew my daughter was also involved i would have no hesitation in reporting her. As there is nothing to substanciate this, all i can do is try being a mother to a daughter who has to dress covered up to her neck because he doesn't want any other men looking at her. It might as well be me in prison for all the good i can do in this situation

dzzy

You are right, if only there was a magic camera that could show her a couple of years down the line. She is being turned into his mother, an opressed overworked slave while the husband just drinks and beats her. She is blind to it all, first love etc, I half hope that if they do go to england, he wont hack it and bugger off. If they stay here, i know he will go back to dealing and stealing as he is not employable. For a once bright girl, she is being bloody stupid, and i am powerless

Sue

Hi dzzy,

I can't help with any first hand advice I'm afraid. However as a starting point perhaps you could email an organisation such as "Shelter" for advice. There is some info about emergency housing here.

As others have suggested though, perhaps it may be more beneficial to look for further assistance where you live now. Moving to the UK on her own, with a child on the way, may not be the best course of action. If you haven't done so already you could try posting in our Portugal forum to see if anyone can you give you some further info on local organisations close to where you are.

Sally Redux

Ah I see, I thought you meant it was definitely proven.

What a difficult situation indeed, but at least if she were close by you could keep an eye on her...I agree with Sue's post.

Sue

I don't know if this is of any help, but here is a link to details of social security benefits (in English)

Fleaflyfloflum

It is a sad fact of life that there comes a time where you have no choice but to let them learn from their mistakes. As ugly and painful as it sounds, theres really nothing you can do to stop her and him doing just as they please.
I have raised 2 daughters myself so quite experienced!
Bloody kids! I have always said, they should be put in a drug induced coma from the age of 13 till they are 25 just to save the rest of us a load of grief!!!

Kids growing up is as much of a learning curve for us a it is for them. We have spent so many years having total control over them, then all of a sudden the rug is ripped from under you.
I dont want to be the bearer of bad news, but i suspect things will get a lot worse before they get better, but she and him need to learn a few big life lessons the hard way, and YOU need to sit on your hands, and zip your mouth.
Believe me, when it all turns sour you will be the first one she phones.

dzzy

Mothers instinct is to protect (and panic) no matter what the child has done. I have one problem free daughter...and one that is all problems, she asked for my help about uk benefits, and i will give her as much as i know (nothing) the rest is up to them. She has only been back to the UK once in 8 years (she was 13) so knows nothing really of the country. I fear for her, but she is making her own decisions, right or wrong I must really try to let them get on with it but have a horrible feeling this will end with more than just tears

montgomail

It might be worth her visiting Citizens Advice on arrival in Crawley who could advise her on welfare rights. You could try ringing them first but the advice lines are often busy.


http://209.85.229.132/search?q=cache...&ct=clnk&gl=uk

dzzy

Thanks, tried to find advice online but they only do it in person or by phone. I will see if a friend of mine will pay them a visit to shed any light on this situation. My friend will let her stay with them for a few weeks if required....but not him, she wont go without him and he wont let her go without him. All i can do is do as she has asked, supply the information. I dont want to say the rest is up to her as i will be cutting my nose to spite my face, and wont get to see my granchild grow up on a regular basis, i just hope the situation resolves itself one way or the other in a reasonable time frame.

montgomail

Try to deal with one day at a time. Focus on getting the information from Citizens Advice then at least your daughter will be making an informed decision.

Easterndawn

It is amazing what becoming a mother can aspire a woman to do. Once she becomes a mother hopefully she will see that she needs to be strong for her child and get out of the situation she put herself in. You are in a difficult position, you need to shield your young son, be supportive to your husband and still be there for the little girl you gave birth to. Sometimes you just have to stand by,watch and wait and most of all hope and pray.

You havent said how long they have been together?

dzzy

They have been together since she was 16, first boyfriend and 'true love'. x

Beedubya

Drug induced coma until at least 45 I would say Flea LOL!!