Leslie

Aren't you glad you posted though? You've been keeping all of this in for far too long. Talking to people who aren't too close to the situation will do wonders for you. You've started the process.

fatbrit

No idea about NV, but generally southwest divorces don't involve large or long-lasting amounts of alimony. Perhaps you should have a consultation with a family lawyer so you know what you're up against should this become an option.

1chumly

With regards to your cat, go to the Moving back to the UK forum and read about the new DEFRA regs. After January, it is much easier to take a pet back. I don't think there is a 6 months wait any more. Good luck.

Steerpike

I generally agree with Sarah's post. I've had at least 3 close friends who have been unable to control their drinking; one ended up losing his wife, another struggles to keep her marriage afloat, and the third I've had to cut off all contact with because she's out of control. It's not easy, that's for sure. I had my own challenges with drinking back in the late 80s/early 90s; don't think I was quite 'alcoholic' but was certainly getting there.

Admitting you have a problem is absolutely the first and foremost requirement for dealing with the problem. I remember calling my friend (above) at 10am on a Saturday and hearing her slur her speech; when I commented that it was a bit early to be drinking, she got all defensive and said "it's the weekend, I worked hard all week and I want to relax!" ...

Sounds like your wife has a long history, and has tried/failed a few times. If she's tried, it does sound like she's at least half-way willing to admit to a problem? Are her family in denial?

I don't know much about AA/Al-anon, but I would have a bit of a problem (personally) with any 'solution' that includes accepting religion, since I'm not religious.

I would be just slightly concerned about being in Nevada ... while location/surroundings are not necessarily a big factor, I have observed that 'everyone seems to be drinking' in Nevada, and at all hours of the day; not just in the casinos - you stop to get breakfast in some no-name roadside establishment at 10am and there are people drinking, smoking, and gambling - always seems odd to me. It all depends on how strongly she is influenced by others, but I can imagine it would be harder to say that having a drink for breakfast is not a good idea when you are surrounded by others doing exactly that.

Anyway - good luck.

ETA: the thing that finally forced me to deal with my drinking was that I started to get the most incredible hangovers. If I stick to two beers, I'm fine. If I drink four beers, or mix beer and wine, or drink 'heavier' beers, I can practically write off the next day - so I now have a very solid incentive not to drink. I have always wondered why this happens - what is it about my metabolism/body function that reacts so strongly to alcohol - but I've also accepted it as a good thing for me, since it has forced me to stay sober. I have heard there are some 'treatments' for alcoholics that include a medication that makes you react negatively to alcohol ... not sure how effective it is since the alcoholic would presumably stop taking it once they figured out the cause/effect, but you never know.

Sarah

She'll give excuse after excuse not to go, but really, if she's never been to AA or a 12 step meeting, then how does she know if its going to change her or turn her into a Christian?

With AA/12 steps the reason people think its a Christian brain-washing program is because the original 12 steps and recovery program were written by two alcoholic Christians in the 30s or 40s I forget which. So if you go back and read their original work, their desire to involve God in their recovery plan is evident. However that was a long time ago and now there is no attempt to force anyone to start praying, go to church or even acknowledge the existence of Jesus or God or the bible. My friends 12 step group is run by two Jews and a Buddhist. As part of the recovery program you have to acknowledge that there is a force that has more power than you. Be it the tides of the sea or mother nature or the sun or Jesus or God.

Anyway that aside, if she doesn't want to go and give it a try, she's always going to have a reason not to go. And you can't reason with unreasonable people.

Tegwyn

Tim, I think counseling for you would absolutely help in getting clarity of your thoughts and choices you need to make if your wife will not address her issue. One toxic person makes a whole toxic family if the behaviour is enabled indefinitely. Perhaps a separation whereby you still remain in the town and job you are now enjoying and work on a solution towards her either addressing her addiction with solid efforts to change - before returning home, or you extracting yourself from a relationship that will ultimately hurt you. It must be so very painful to discuss this issue but with the right kind of help, I am sure you will find a solution that is livable for you. I so admire that even with all this turmoil, you still are concerned for your pet. That kind of caring is becoming a rare commodity these days. Wish you luck and peace with your decision. :sunglasses:

Poppy girl

Here you go Tim http://www.defra.gov.uk/wildlife-pets/pets/travel/

Chugabug

Having recently gone through the court process for a DWI first offense I've had my eyes opened to a lot of alcohol related issues. I've been attending AA as part of my plea deal and decided to give up booze. I have to say I have been finding it harder than expected but am 2 months sober at present. I don't think I would have considered doing this if it hadn't been for the impact of the cost and hassle of everything involved. Although my incident didn't involve anyone else, I have met a lot of people who have suffered through alcohol and it has made me rethink my actions and priorities. AA is certainly a lot different to how I expected and you get people from all walks of life there.
There is much talk of a higher power but I can't say that I feel brainwashed. It is a new experience for me but I feel if anyone is, or is married to a problem drinker, this would certainly be one of the few options that may work.

Brat1

With regards to Steerpike post, there is a medication you can give to alcoholics that will have an adverse affect if they drink, my alcoholic friend was on these. To be honest, I think most of the time she didn't take them, but I know that when she did, she could not touch one drop or she would be violently sick. She has also gone "cold turkey" with awful consequences. When you're a heavy drinker/alcoholic, you can't just stop altogether, you have to come off it slowly as the body is dependent on the alcohol. So when she stopped all of a sudden, she suffered horrendous seizures, and ended up in hospital. They had to put her on Librium (I think that's what it's called), to stop the withdrawal affects.

This is such a hard situation and I hope, that maybe, she can see when she's sober (if she's sober long enough), the effect that her drinking is having on not only you, but her own health. I have watch a dear friend of mine drink herself to death, and believe me, it's not a nice way to end your life. Again, her situation had underlying issues, she lost her son very suddenly and she never accepted his passing and turned to drink. She worked in the funeral industry and knew the consequences of what she was doing and ended up losing her job, and then her fight with the bottle. So I do have first hand experience of what you're talking about and can understand the pressure you're under.

I may have lost one friend, but I am soooo proud of my other one, who has finally fought back and is well on the road to recovery. She has a clear view of what she will lose if she ever goes backwards, and it's so nice to see her looking healthy again, and happier than she's been in the last, I'd say, 6 years. I've been thinking about your situation and don't know really, what other advice I can give you apart from trying to sit her down and seriously talking to her about the situation. Maybe once you do that, you'll get a clearer picture of what is going on in her own head and whether you think there's a chance that she is prepared to do something about it. And if not, then at least you'll know and only you can decide whether you're willing to carry on the way that you are. I feel for you, but please believe me when I say you are not alone. Alcohol seems to be a problem for some people, no matter where you live, or how you live and I hope that your situation improves.

Bomjeito

This is worrying - no post from him since Thanksgiving? What happened?

TimNiceBut, if you are still out there....

If you are thinking to stay with her, then get to a therapist ASAP. Al-Anon can help in some ways, but not the individual help YOU need to overcome your enabling her behaviours.

You seemingly pooh-pooh the fact she doesn't work and chooses to drink instead. You insist she's too 'specialised' to get work. Um, at this point, a job is a job. She doesn't work because she wants to DRINK. She can volunteer. And with the holidays, tons of retail jobs abound for temporary work.

You gloss over the plural of divorces that she has had. Wonder why?

You take her everywhere so she can drink - on planes, in rental cars.

You have a lot of excuses for her. YOU are enabling the situation and you need to exit for her to get better.

DUIs, lost jobs, none of this has made her sit back and think, "Huh? I gotta change something."

Now, why do you think that if you separate from her that you must divorce? Why not move elsewhere or back to UK for 6 months and then see if she wants your marriage more than booze? If she does, then that is the start of a VERY long road for you both, and you too need therapy and support to best deal with an alcoholic.

Alcoholism doesn't go away, mind you. Its a lifelong demon that can be tamed but never killed.

Jack Lemmon did a movie called, "Days of Wine and Roses." - Lemmon was an alcoholic in real life. Find it, watch it. Yes its dated but the alcoholism themes and truths remain the same.

Hearing that she's had episodes that may have constituted "rock bottom" for many a drinking folk, its possible she is a deeper alcoholic than you know. Its up to YOU to decide if you want the marriage or not. I know how hard it is to leave a person who has problems when you love them; make decisions with the help of an experienced therapist who knows well the impact alcoholism has on marriages and families.

My husband's mother is an alcoholic. His father felt it his duty to stay by her, so she never worked and never left the house. She drinks until this day. But he had NO LIFE. He never could go to other people's homes, Christmas parties, any parties, any socialisation that any normal people need to do. Then he retired and since he has no friends or hobbies, except making sure his drunk wife doesn't hurt herself, he's lonely and hates his life. And remember, alcoholics spend a lot of money. So he's broke on a small UK pension.

Find professional help to get your head around what is good for YOU and best for YOU.

Good luck. Please post again...

TimNiceBut

Well, we were travelling and I didn't have much in the way of Internet access (or time to visit the forums).

Just to clarify a few things:

• She didn't lose her job because of alcohol issues (and I can understand how that connection would come along). She worked in a research setting and funding would run out repeatedly. None has been available for the last few years.
• There is such a thing as being 'overqualified'. I'm not going to go into details here but that's part of the no job problem.
• I haven't got an issue with her not working. I make enough money for both of us to live comfortably with our current standard of living.

Actually the travelling and all that helped. Not that either of us have much of a say in this matter anyway (we "have" to be at her parents' for Thanksgiving, yes her family dynamics are a little "interesting"). Either way, with more activities planned, the alcohol consumption plummeted noticeably.

After a lot more thought I believe trying to go back to the UK would be counterproductive if we can and want to make an effort to salvage the marriage. As I mentioned the rest of the life here is working pretty well and I think this would just create more upheaval - I don't think I'd be up for dealing with a new job and this issue.

I'm trying to encourage her to go back to some activities she likes doing (like going to the gym on a daily basis) and I'm also trying to suggest to her a couple of volunteering activities and she if that's going anywhere. I'm beginning to think that boredom plays a larger role here than I thought.

I'll still be checking out Al-Anon as dealing with this sort of stuff on your own is something I don't wish on anybody.

Bluegrass Lass

I can't add much more advice than what others have already given. What I can attest to, is that being overqualified is just as bad as underqualified. I have a Masters degree in engineering and have been out of work for almost 2 years now. I have applied for all types of positions, even lower level clerical type ones, and I haven't been called for any of them - even though its clear I could do the job. I was laughed at when I applied for a cashier's job at a grocery store - basically was told "why would you wanna work here?" So yeah, overqualified is a problem too.

Tim, has your wife considered teaching? If she has quite a bit of experience, she might be able to teach at uni. I know I took a Human Factors class as part of my degree.

Brat1

Hey, you're not on your own. I know it probably feels like that 90% of the time and I can tell from your posts that you're worn out with dealing with all this. There are always people on here who will try and help and support you, and also maybe help you see things from a different perspective. And sometimes, it's good just to get it written down somewhere.

Take your time and decide what the best way forward is for both yourself (and your sanity) and your partners. There is no easy solution to this unfortunately, but I definitely think Al Anon would be good for you, even if it's just to talk to people who are in the same situation as yourself. It might help you get things clearer in your head.

Steerpike

Just curious to know if there is anything the OP would like to share on this - I was thinking about it the other day. How was the Christmas holiday period - that can be another challenge ...

TimNiceBut

Christmas actually was good - we staid out here on our own and that always helps. Things are getting a bit better, probably because we have more concrete goals for the future but I'm still getting the impression that it's something that she does out of boredom.

She hasn't really admitted that it's an addiction so it's still going to be a long struggle methinks. But the support I got here and the recommendations have helped.