TimNiceBut

Sorry, Debbie Downer here. Don't read this rant if you need cheering up.

Got one of the best jobs, if not *the* best job I've ever had over here. Plus I live in a lovely area but I'm still seriously thinking of moving back "home". I moved from Germany to the UK 13 years ago and had a pretty decent life there, but my US citizen wife couldn't (a) stand the climate and (b) found it even harder over in the UK to find work than over here. Plus given that I'm an IT bod it was a fairly easy decision to make in the end to move over here (yes, I do like the place, too). Of course it would've helped if I had been able to sell my house in the UK but hey...

The only/main problem is that my dear wife has a bit of a problem with alcohol (to put it mildly) and as we live in one of the states that with fairly high unemployment, she's got a lot of trouble finding a job. Which leaves plenty of drinking time. She's a lovely person until a certain alcohol level is reached and then it's just stressful for me. Not, violent, just somewhere between "cuddly incomprehensibly drunk" and "catatonic".

So for the last few months - probably since May/June - it's a toss up between coming home from work and actually finding someone there who's mentally present (and I'm not talking about our cat), or passed out on the sofa with the telly blaring. Maybe I'm a killjoy but I don't find the prospect of the latter conducive to a successful long term marriage. Well, at least not until I stop caring.

Admittedly she's had phases of this before but made a massive effort last year to over it. As with most addicts she doesn't see it as a problem - in fact, she's refusing therapy/12 step programs because she's afraid it "would change her personality". Well, all that wine and beer doesn't change it for the better either...

Now we've got Thanksgiving coming up - we get to fly to her parents tomorrow, and there is some friction there too so she's currently semi-coherent. The flight will also offer plenty of drinking time (the last time we made it to Florida she was just about able to stagger to the rental car without falling over, which I thought was quite a feat) and her parents believe in filling up the kids to keep them quiet. Not my favourite weekend of the year, as you might guess in this context.

Oh, and this year we'll skip the company Chrimbo party after her "performance" their last year. I don't really need to worry about the impression my wife leaves with my coworkers again, last year was enough, thankeweverymuch.

So, I guess the point of the vent here (apart from, err, venting?) is - any advice? Well, this side of "teach the cat to meow in British English and get a divorce lawyer", that is. I've been thinking about that part myself enough, I guess.

md95065

Just the obvious advice that you already know - you have to deal with the main problem which is your relationship with your wife - everything else is secondary - moving somewhere else either with or without your wife will not in and of itself fix anything.

As long as an addict is unable to acknowledge that they have a problem nothing much is going to change. Have you tried going to any support groups or counseling even if she won't - the opportunity to talk about your situation to other people who have been through similar things may help you to get some perspective on what your options are and what you really need and want to do.

penguinsix

I had a friend back in college who was miserable living in Philadelphia.
He then did a year in Paris and was miserable there.
He then did a few years in Washington DC and was miserable there
He then moved to London and was miserable there.

I finally sat him down and asked him what was the one common denominator behind all the cities in which he was miserable. The answer, of course, was him.

A change of scenery is not the answer to her problems, as you are probably already realizing. (Though honestly, I don't think the drinking culture in the UK is going to be better for her). She's going to have to get some form of assistance and I guess the real question is whether you are going to be there for her or not.

I think you should contact the counseling folks yourself and ask what role you should be playing, and whether the threat of you leaving is something that is strong enough to shake her into a bit of a realization. The other option is to move somewhere within the US to put her in a better job market for her skills, if your job is somewhat 'portable' and can be done in other places just as easily.

Good luck.

Sarah

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, alcoholism is beyond horrible for all involved. I'm assuming you don't have any children together?

The 12 steps/AA do not change your personality, they change your life. They help you manage behaviours you feel unable to control. Thats the thing about addictions, they are never cured, only managed, and that management has to be a vigilant guard every hour of the day for the rest of your life. I understand your wife's reservations, but its ironic because the one thing that undoubtedly changes your personality is large amounts of alcohol. AA means she'd have to change, it means she'd have to stop drinking and start looking at the reasons why she drinks in the first place, which doesn't appear to be something she's willing to do yet unfortunately. The AA 'big book' is an interesting read and I'm pretty sure you can read it on the AA website, same with the Al-Anon website.
You can either stick around until she's had enough and decides she's willing to do whatever it takes to stop drinking, (which may or may not ever happen) or you can get out now before things get worse, as they inevitably will, even if they one day get better.

If it were me, honestly, I'd leave. I really wouldn't want to spend my life with an alcoholic no matter how much I loved them. Life is hard enough without being married to an addict who may or may not decide to get sober, and even if she does its still a daily battle. I may be a bit biased as I'm currently watching my mother-in-law die quite slowly and horribly from alcoholism, she's always been in denial about it, even though she's been through rehab, in the end she just didn't want to give it up. I'd run for the hills, I wouldn't wish that life on anyone.

TimNiceBut

No children involved, thankfully, just a cat we adopted earlier this year.

I like the idea re me contacting some counselling people, maybe they can throw some ideas my way, 'cos I'm out of them (and I'm not very well versed in dealing with this sort of situation - my mum is to a certain extent as her last ex-hubby liked to soak himself in cheap plonk on a regular basis but I know how that story ended, and I don't really want to drop my problems on her).

This isn't exactly a new problem - one of my brothers-in-law hinted at the fact that at least one of her prior divorces were because that ex-hubby couldn't deal with the drinking either - but it seems to be getting more and more out of control.

I have grave doubts that threats of leaving her will give her enough of a kick up the arse to spur some action - I've seen outside influences work for a couple of weeks and then the thing fizzles out again. Even the supposedly impressive speech the Dalai Lama gave in DC (as part of a week-long sacred ritual she attended there earlier this year) on how dealing with the world requires a clear head only had a lasting influence for a few weeks.

Oh, and just to make this clear - if any travelling back to the UK would be involved, that's me and the cat, nobody else.

As to moving somewhere where the job market is better for her, part of the issue is that the last long-term job she had is quite specialised (human factors at a certain space agency) and the job has basically gone away thanks to budget cuts. I can't make that much more in other job markets compared to what I make here so I'm not sure that moving with essentially a pay cut for me (due to the higher cost of living) on the off-chance she gets a job is a smart idea. At least at the moment I have a stable job, the last thing I need there is more upheaval.

I guess one last push towards rehab/12 step when she's sober enough to understand what the consequences are might be in order and then it's probably back to what's best for me and the cat.

avanutria

Hi Tim,

You might look into the quarantine requirements for moving a cat to the UK; I believe you can bypass the 6-month quarantine on arrival if you do certain tests and checks in the US first but I believe they are part of a several-month process. Might be worth becoming familiar with it so you know what time frame will be necessary if you do end up moving.

TimNiceBut

That's a very good point, I had the vague notion I needed to look into this to see if I can get the correct "pet passport". There's no way I'm going to put the poor cat through 6 months of quarantine, he's been through enough already as a shelter cat.

fatbrit

Can't remember whether you've naturalized.....but get that out of the way before you break links.

TimNiceBut

Nope, if we stay married I've got another 18 months to go before I can be naturalized. I've got an "unlimited" GC though, but I'm more than aware that I'd lose that if I moved back.

Writing about this issue has helped me to formulate my thoughts about the whole thing and maybe moving back is a little too extreme. Either way I'm thinking I should give it a little more time to see if I manage to settle here. For various reasons I haven't been able to partake in activities I'd normally partake in like Motorsports so my circle of friends here is pretty much restricted to a few people from work. That clearly doesn't help.

Bob

I had a friend in a similar situation.

His last straw when she called the police on him and they turned up at 3 in the morning with guns raised and arrested him for assault, just because he poured her booze away.

He got divorced and road tripped away.

fatbrit

Bummer! Still, with a GC you've always got the option of remaining here irrespective of the marriage.

Sally Redux

I think this is a little different as he does have a tangible problem with his wife.

It really depends on how much OP wants to put into this relationship as it will be a hard road. Good luck Tim.

Leslie

It sounds like you have two distinctly different problems that you are getting jumbled up. First, you need out of a bad marriage. Second, you're not 100% sure if you want to stay in the states.

Are you sure, at present, you have to stay living in that situation though? Can you separate and still work toward your naturalization? I would post this in the marriage forum.

fatbrit

Al-Anon might be a thought.

TimNiceBut

That is a good point, and part of the reason why I keep thinking about going back to the UK is mostly to get back into a familiar, comfortable environment.

I guess the sensible approach would be to make another push towards her drying herself out if she's willing to do that. My understanding is that it won't work if the person is pressured into it, that just turns the whole think into the revolving rehab door.

I'm willing to do my part of it - ie provide support, and I can live without alcohol just fine (yeah, I like beer but the lack of beer isn't going to kill me) as I know we shouldn't keep any in the house - but it's her part I'm concerned about.

Staying and working towards naturalization is one way to approach this, I guess it would make a lot of things easier and won't lead to more decisions I'll regret later.

@fatbrit, Al-Anon would probably be the best for everybody involved, but she's convinced it's a Christian brain-washing organisation...