ldollard

Some people cant see the forest for the trees, and I think if she stepped back, she'd realize there isn't much to be anxious about. Her anxiety is causing her anxiety.

Snap Shot

Why should the OP be blackmailed into accepting his dream ? Cornered into his reality while her soul bleeds ?

Has the OP got an 'exit strategy' even an outline of one in the back of her mind ? By exit strategy I mean a way of getting clean break from him and Australia.

If he somehow makes you stay in Australia your respect for him will decline and that will end the relationship. Meanwhile, he's established himself over the years while you couldn't settle. Also, you are faced with the task of returning to Britain when he's 'sitting pretty' in his new life in Australia. The regret of not leaving sooner so you could have started the settling process earlier will cause you resentment. Don't let him use you as part of his settling process just so you go back to the UK empty hearted when a return to Britain would be hard enough without any sense of smugness coming from him.

Brigette

telling someone that there is nothing to be anxious about is counter productive and harsh. I'm glad you have such clarity about her anxiety to completely discount it as a problem and discount the contributing factors of it.

Not sure if this is the tone you were trying to convey but I must say it reads unnecessarily harsh

leila33

Hi all,
Thanks for the words, te kind and the tough, all of them
If I was 23, then time wouldn't be an issue. I would stay without question for the next few years. But it's the fact that I do want to have children and a happy marriage and the whole picket fence! The window gets smaller the older I get. I do envy men and their ability to put off having kids until they are 50 if they so choose. Unfortunately that does not work for women so time is less of a luxury. I don't have any children at the moment and have no intention of having one until the hard decision have been made.

PominOz1

I feel for you. I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to be in another country. It's a huge dilemma but unless there is acceptable compromise the elephant will always be in the room. Personally I'd tell him that the relationship isn't going in the direction you'd like and take it from there. Set yourself a deadline and move on if necessary. Being in an unhealthy relationship is far more damaging than being single; the world doesn't end.

At 33 you're still a youngster. Good luck.

NiHao

One of the things that jumped out at me was that you said

"When we arrived, the plan was to stay for a few years and then go back. Since we have been here, he has decided that he wants Sydney to be his forever home."

Would you have gone with him if you had known 2.5 years ago that this was going to be a "forever" move? I'm not saying it was always his intention to stay there (no doubt it wasn't) but the fact is that it is HIM who has changed the plan and in a massive way.

Also, whilst you are unsure what to do, because you love him, he is quite certain he wants to stay despite knowing that you do not. In other words he has already weighed things up and has decided that if you are prepared to commit to staying in Oz forever all is well and good but if you want to return home to live, well its a shame but "oh well, so be it" he isn't moving.

It doesn't make him a bad person and he is being honest, I assume that he feels that if he moves to the UK he will be as unhappy there as you are here?

Do you discuss having children? Are you on the same page with that? 33 is young in life but from a female fertility point of view the window is rapidly closing. How much does the fear of missing out on having children if you leave him factor in? In my experience the homesickness is often much worse after you become a parent.

Do you feel like you are delaying parenthood until you can make peace with the idea of staying in Oz forever OR are you (or he) not ready to take the plunge into parenthood yet anyway?

I think if I was in your situation I would be feeling the same fear that you are feeling, I don't think it would be normal not to. I think I'd also want someone to tell me to go. I think maybe you have already decided that the risk is too high that if you stay the relationship will suffer too much and likely eventually fail anyway? Maybe you are just looking for a little push from someone?

So for what its worth I say go and do it fast, don't waste anymore time. If your boyfriend discovers Oz isn't so wonderful without the woman he loves then maybe you will end up together but if not then you will be glad that you left now and not years down the line.

Maybe, go home alone for a few months and see how it feels??

It is scary, very scary but I think maybe you have already decided just building up to making the leap?

Either way I think you have to make a decision soon, right or wrong and go with it, this living in limbo and not knowing where your life is going to be is taking a real toll on you.

Good luck with everything

p.s You mentioned that your parents and family love him and that your parents think you may be "throwing in the towel" too soon. Well, you aren't "throwing in the towel" you signed up for a few years in Oz not a lifetime.

Have they ever moved to the other side of the world, started a completely new life leaving behind everyone they love except one person? People who have never lived an expat life often have no idea what real deep homesickness is, they see the sunshine and swimming pool and think how wonderful it must all be. For some, like your boyfriend it is, but for some its not what they want forever.

pompeyblonde

Wise words Nihao also

Dont waste your best years on someone who doesnt have your interests at heart

I agree with whoever suggested counselling (well I would wouldnt I ) because it will help you see where the anxiety is coming from, the lack of control you feel you have? etc....
All the very best!

MissBetty

Couldn't have said it better myself! I learnt that the hard way but I wouldn't make the same mistake again

leila33

NiHao, you have me pretty figured out. In my head, I have one foot on the plane already but then the panic sets in at 4am and i am terrified.
I don't want a baby in the next year or so but I would like one in the next three. He is not ready for parenthood at the moment either so it's not like I am walking away from someone who is putting cribs together in the living room....
I just feel nauseous at the thought of packing up and starting over somewhere new.
I need to take back control of my life. I wouldn't have come here if I thought it was forever. I thought I had found someone who was going to be my team mate and i suppose in a way i am grieving for that loss while being terrified about the future.
But the only way to remedy the situation is to take the plunge.
Have I now started advising myself??!

brissybee

Anxiety is not to be under-estimated but yours could well ease when you have made a decision, one way or the other.

If it was me, I would make sure I had Australian citizenship then take the great advice of others on this thread and go back to the UK for an initial 6 month period. A forever man will still be there for you in six months time... and will visit you in the UK. Breathing space will allow you to determine what is important to you ... and will demonstrate that you can survive without your partner.

At 33, you probably still have a seven year window in which to identify true love and start a family. And, while it might not be ideal, these events can happen in a different order.

I have a favourite saying. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony."

Happiness is out there... go get it!

What are you waiting for?

leila33

Hi Brissybee,
Thanks for the reply. I have PR but citizenship is still 18 months away....i have PR until 2017 and i could go for 6 months and it wouldn't be affected.

brissybee

Maybe you can go for a few six month holidays during the next 18 months.

jemima55

I'm with NiHao!
To me, you are young, and wise enough to be unencumbered, no kids, mortgage etc. Run as fast as you can!
I've been through something similar and understand that sick feeling. I felt trapped.
Your boyfriend has no hold on you, except your worry that he may be "the one" and you will miss out.
If you would like a boost for your self esteem, I will give it to you. You are young, with a fabulous future ahead. Please don't let your bloke make you feel bad, and tie you to something you don't want.
Decide for yourself what shape you want your future to be.
Actually, my bet is he may decide that actually you are the best thing in his life, and follow you, but you have to take up the reins for now and make your plans for living where you want. He cannot dictate that.
Dont fear starting again if it comes to that. Stand up for what you want or you may regret it later.
Good luck!

luvwelly

This is such an important point. We went to NZ on a posting of 4 years, we stayed 5. My OH says he might want to retire back there. If he does, he will be alone as I have fulfilled my part of the bargain...I stayed cheerfully there for 5 years knowing it wasn't forever.
Wild horses wouldn't drive me back...
I am now delighted to be back in UK and intend to stay and let my UK born kids finally put down UK roots and see their extended family more than once every 2 years. The only thing I miss is excellent coffee and cheap Cafes for brunch.

curleytops

If I can stick my two penneth in here I sensed in your original post that you already seem to be developing some sense of resentment toward your boyfriend over his change of heart and the prospect of spending your life in a place you don't want to be in order to keep him happy. I learned myself many years ago that this seldom diminishes, it will only continue to fester. He's made it obvious he's quite happy to do what's best for him (give him points for his candor) and you need to do the same, whatever that may be. Don't wait until there are children involved. Yes its scary, but I found that as I grew older so did my fear of making a break on my own like that. Good luck with whatever you decide, you're a very brave young lady