leila33

Hi all,
I am new to the Forum and really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
I am 33, moved to sydney two and a half years ago with my south african boyfriend that i met in the uk. When we arrived, the plan was to stay for a few years and then go back. Since we have been here, he has decided that he wants Sydney to be his forever home. We have talked and gone round in circles and in the end it comes down to this, he is happy to do a year or two in the uk but wants oz to be his forever home and i am happy to do X number of years here but eventually I want to return home. I miss my family, old friendships, the sense of belonging.
I love him but this stress has really taken a toll on our relationship. I am not sure how stable we are anymore.
I know the logical thing for me to do is to cut my ties and move back to the uk. But i am kept awake at night with worries of will i get a job, at 33 am i too old to start over, will i meet ever someone else.......i suffer from anxiety and the stress of recent months has resulted in me back on my meds (i never had anxiety until i moved here if that means anything).
My family love him and my parents are quite concerned that i am throwing in the towel too easily here.
I feel dizzy and like i am free falling off a cliff.
I have read lots of threads about the subject but i am hoping that clarity and certainty will come my way.
if anyone has any advice or has been through something similar, i would love to hear from them.i am not from london originally but i would move there as the volume of jobs would be larger but yet be within weekend travelling distance of my family and friends.
i guess i am afraid that i will end up on the shelf and look back at this and think i threw something good away....

pompeyblonde

Hi there, wow! youre really going through it, sorry to hear that, ok.

Firstly what is your most immediate problem? You say you love your boyfriend, and that you dont want to stay in Australia forever, but happy to stay a few years? Is it urgent that you leave right now?

Secondly, in this sort of situation (which is not uncommon believe me) then somebody is going to have to compromise, maybe both of you, are you able to discuss options? or is his word the bottom line?

Thirdly, please believe me, your are not too old to 'start again' I didnt even move to Oz till I was 39, and now Im going back to do it all over, your anxiety is understandable, but honestly its unfounded.

Do you have any other support here? there are lots of us in Sydney!
All the best!
Jackie

leila33

Hi Jackie,
Thank you so much for the reply. If I knew this was an interim measure I could stay for as long as necessary, I'd be staying for my partner. But given that he is 100% clear that he doesn't ever want to leave, i think, well, better leave sooner rather than later. He is the only thing that I was staying for. I know that sounds unhealthy and actually I am quite the extrovert and made a huge effort with regards to making friends etc but there is something inside me that is chewing a hole in my stomach - family, homesickness i suppose......he is not willing to compromise. that makes me cross.....but we do have a wonderful lifestyle here.....i guess its not that wonderful if you are having panic attacks and the stress vomits but you know what i mean......i have friends here but i am the type of extrovert who will have a big smile on her face whatever is going on behind the scenes. i have told two close friends and they counsel me to leave if i feel so homesick but then add the caveat that i am not a spring chicken either and to be aware of throwing away a good relationship.....

happyglow

I feel for you!

Is it really a great relationship if the other person is not prepared to accommodate your serious needs? Someone who is that inflexible about the rest of their life(!!!) does not sound like that great a partner to me.

Best of luck to you....

leila33

Happyglow, i know. I feel like I am doing all the compromising. On the other hand, in all other respects, he and i are are so well suited. if he was from uk, it would be an easier existence!

pompeyblonde

I agree, especially if he knows how un happy you are, and you certainly are a spring... Or possibly summer chicken!

brits1

Oh sweetie, firstly you are not alone with how you feel, I know of so many who have or are in a situation similar to you, I cannot tell you what to do but I can say IF IT WERE ME I would be where I felt happiest most, its a bonus in this life if we can have everything but what is important here is your health and the thing for me (not taking shots at your partner) is if my partner knew how I felt and how ill it was making me and at the very least to stop saying "if we do return to the UK then I am still going to live in Aus permanently" (I find that really insensitive) I always put the shoe on the other foot and think what I would do for my partner if they were unhappy etc, relationships are hard work and lot of compromise at times BUT when it comes to health its a different matter. Your a youngster a baby even compared to some of people I know who have started over (honestly way older than you) and have found peace,happiness etc and mostly without the help of family etc. Take care xx

Snap Shot

Good luck finding the courage to return to the UK. Don't let 2 years or five years or ten years go by and you will regret not going sooner when you were only 33.

He can relate to Australia as the seasons are similar to S.Africa i.e. Christmas in Summer etc. Imagine if you felt like this with a baby on the way or already born.

Being unhappy in Australia will affect your relationship in the long run. You could both return to Britain, then tell him that if he wants to go to Australia he'll be going on his own.

Medication is not an uncommon theme among unhappy expats. Usually the female partner who is unhappy to be living away from Britain.

quoll

Is this he man you want to grow old with? Are you soul mates? Which would be worse - there with him or in UK without him?

I stayed in Australia far longer than I wanted basically because, for me, the least worst option was there with him (we have, however, been married nearly 40 years and I knew the moment I saw him that he was the one for me). Back then I always assumed that he knew I would want to live in UK at some point again and it wasn't until about 10 years ago that he said he had no intention and his plan was for us to go and live in the a*se end of nowhere on 40 acres and be self sufficient. We developed a compromise situation which I could live with - just - but it sounds like your situation is different - I don't see much room for a compromise there.

At 33 you are definitely not too old to start again! Just in the prime of life I would say! Whatever you do, don't bring kids into this equation until you have it all sorted because the likelihood is that you will be trapped by Australia's Family Court rulings which would not allow you to leave with them if it all went pear shaped.

Perhaps you need a break (isn't that what they call it in relationships these days) - you head back to UK for 6/12 months free and unencumbered and he lives the life of Riley in Sydney and if your relationship is meant to be it will stand that test of time.

Should say - life is what happens when you are busy making plans and my once totally intransigent husband who could barely stand to be in UK for more than 2 weeks at a time now lives here quite happily while we support my aged parents - his is now the bigger compromise with trips back each year and the assumption that we will return when they cark it or no longer need us! Good luck!

leila33

i am really touched that you all took the time to respond. I am sifting through your words. Thank you!!

MissBetty

Sounds like you are really going through hell atm and I am so sorry to hear that, its hard when you are so far away from family and close friends.

33 is young! I am moving back to the UK in a few months after 5 years in Oz, I'm 46 and I'm on my own - its not the end of the world! :

If can give you a piece of advice then really think about what you want, don't give up on your dreams or what you want for a man. Its hard, I know, when you love someone but you seem to be pretty miserable in your current situation.

I wanted to do what I am about to do now, basing myself in the UK, working freelance and traveling almost exactly 3 years ago. I had everything in place, then I met a guy who swept me off my feet. I gave up my lovely life/job/unit on the coast, stayed with my current employer and took a remote posting to be with him - a year later he applied for and got another job miles away (behind my back) then he left me out there all alone and ran off to a new life with someone else. Its taken me nearly two years to pick up the pieces and get my life and confidence back. The silver lining is that I stayed long enough to get my citizenship, I'll never make the same mistake again and the remote work I have done is really standing me in good stead for future employers as I now have something different to offer

I would suggest some counselling maybe? Talk it through with someone who can be objective, make a list of pros and cons, get a healing massage and be kind to yourself! I would agree with the suggestion Quoll made about taking a break from each other and then see how you really feel, in my experience what is meant for you won't pass you by. Sometimes when you don't get what you want you look back and see it wasn't meant to be anyway and you set off on a better path without realising it at the time! Good luck, hope things work out for you

ldollard

MY short advice is that you don't need to make any decisions right now. This'll sound cold, but you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

By your own words you are happy with him, you choose to go to OZ and you say you can do another few years. So just go with all that. Stop the what ifs and the what not's. The future isn't your life, now is!

I say yes you'd regret it if you left because you never would have given it a chance. Trust me I went through the exact same situation you are, but I did stick it out for 10 years, was happy and my wife now wants to move back to the UK.

Just because he says something today, does not mean he'll feel differently in 1,2 or 3 years.

Going off the crap that escapes men's mouths is always the road to ruin. So enjoy your time with him, enjoy Australia. If it doesn't work out, if at 35 you want to go home, then go home.

During that time you WILL make a plan (calculate how much you'll need as a safety net and make that a priority), you'll have your own bank account, you'll have your own savings, so YOU are now in control and YOU have a PLAN of action, instead of this knee-jerk reaction.

Ok that wasn't so short.

MissBetty

I think making a plan and having some money behind you is excellent advice but from what the OP said she is suffering from anxiety and is on medication for the first time in her life - that's not good.

She doesn't say if she has kids, I'm guessing no atm, or even if she wants any. If she doesn't then fine, she can take all the time she needs to try and find a solution to her situation. If she does want kids then that is completely different. Unlike a man she doesn't have all the time in the world and she has some tough decisions ahead of her.

happyglow

^^This. And the rest of ldollard's post too. Excellent advice!

luvwelly

Except, she isn't happy in her NOW either and if she wants kids, the biological clock is ticking.
I would say if you aren't happy at the 2 1/2 year point (which ime is often the 'feeling settled point') , you never will be and why should you if you are so far from family and friends who mean a lot to you.
To a South African, NZ and Oz probably seem perfect, some hot weather but no political instability issues, low crime.

If he really really loves you, he will follow you but a separation may help - return to UK, see if you can find work near friends and family, if not try London....etc...it is a risk to take but then so is staying.