Lorry1

Hi everyone,

Well...I am going to tell my OH tonight how I am feeling. I am going to tell him I want to go home.

I am really nervous as I know it will really upset him, but I can't go on like this anymore it's driving me insane!

Wish me luck

J.J

I wish you luck..... and for me the way ahead was to suggest making a plan and setting a date sometime in the future that we could work towards with mileposts - but that depends on personalities.
Our steps.
1.Last summer we set a target move date of April 2010 onwards - it seemed far enough away that we'd have time to make all necessary arangements yet close enough that it was real - April only because we'd plan to go after the start of a UK tax Year and not have pressure to do any UK tax filing for another year.

2. Then through until Christmas we made our mental lists and talked through all we'd have to do - and started the cat on his 6 month Rabies control program
3. At Christmas we confirmed that we got everything covered - and started decorating the house for sale - again another target of being done by end Feb.
4. We finished prepping the house in mid-March and put it on the market, effectively out of our control for a sale date and a flight date which we would set after getting Under Contract.
5. The prepping effort was worth it and we had some luck and got under contract in 2 days, with 6 weeks to closing and leaving.
6. So we are currently at 4 weeks to Flight Date, still busy, we've had our yard sales and craigslist sales, chasing final certificates for the cat which today got into a local do-loop of who signs first.

For us, the sane schedule of approximate target dates has worked well, provided we were flexible of course and didn't get to uptight about exact dates, for onece the ball is rolling it's not so easy to control.

With my hubby ultimatums never work, but making plan for the future does, removes the pressure but also gave me peace of mind knowing we were working towards leaving.

Best Wishes

pinkkristen

good luck

you will at least feel better getting it off your chest

Are you wanting to go back completley or try ontario like you said previous?
we have been talking all weekend about maybe trying a different area of ontario as where we are is too built up and cookie cutter for us>
not sure in another area gonna make a difference though!

hope all goes well< life is too short to be unhappy! let us know how you get on!
sorry for bad grammer< my computer is not letting me use the buttons properly _ rubbish net books!

penury

good points for Lorry1 to consider

sallysimmons

I really do wish you luck.

I want to go home and my husband doesn't. Like J.J., I found that suggesting we make long-term plans has made him more open to the idea. He is at least willing to talk about it and maybe to go home this year for a visit.

But I have also resigned myself to the fact that he just may never feel as I do. If I drag him home against his will, I think he will always resent me. Every negative thing about England will be magnified in his mind and, even if he doesn't say it out loud, he will blame me for that.

So for me, the goal is to create conditions in which he can consider it thoroughly. Maybe he'll come to feel as I do and then we can both embark on the adventure together. If not, well, I'll have to find a way to get home more often on holidays.

Lorry1

Thanks everyone

The long term plan is a good idea, and maybe he will come round to that.
OH loves it here and really does not want to return. The fact that his parents are deathly ill doesn't even make him want to go back, so I don't know what chance I have!

My eldest would be doing her GCSE's next year in England and yet she will not leave school here until she is 18. She would not be ready for those exams so it would be unfair to go back now.

I feel so trapped and a bit resentful cos I am stuck and don't know what to do.

I have really tried to get on here but after 3 years, I know it's not working and now I am just depressed.

I don't know if I want to stay another 3 years here.

I don't think moving to Ontario would help to be honest as I miss my friends and family in England. I just feel like I don't fit in here anymore and I have no roots here.

I guess I have to just suck it up and do whats best for now

J.J

For men it seems that if they are involved in work then that is the primary satisfaction and while work is good then staying here is good, thats how my hubby was anyway. But once he was laid off, lost that sense of being needed and the long term involvement then he became more interested in the move back potential. Even so, he went on to get another decent job but as he say's, it is just a job, not a career and he became more open minded to the move.
When we made the joint decision that the time was right to move he jumped into the project 100% and seemingly overnight became all for it. He would have been happy to stay here forever but he will be happier over there, particularly in retirement and able to do all the outdoor hiking and travel (including Europe) again.

sallysimmons

Wow! I'd fall over in shock if that happened to me. Fingers crossed You must be so excited!

For my husband it's not about work - we run our own business together and would keep it going in the UK. It's just that he genuinely loves it here and he didn't like England. He had never considered going back until I mentioned it and even though I've tried all my best arguments (family, friends, aging parents etc), he really can't muster any enthusiasm. He doesn't even want to leave the New York area and live anywhere else in the States. He feels like he's found his place in the world and he's happy.

At first I was all gung ho about the idea of moving, but now I've had time to think about it, I don't see it as very likely.

i hope things work out differently for Lorry1!

usoruk

I know what you are feeling lorry1. I have been in the states about 14 years, 7 of those in AZ. It is definately different. When I first came it was exciting, new hubby, new country, new experiences, big everything. But I realised, I was losing touch with who I was. I had forgotten my roots, even down to making new friends, socialising etc. Not the same, pop over for a cuppa, type of culture. I know for other expats, taking regular trips home, yearly, definately helps, living somewhere that resembles home somewhat, and having a cosmopolitan set of friends helps too. My American friends don't get it when I say I miss walkability factor,(everybody drives here) or love the castles, but other expats do. My hubby is American and kids are US born so I have battled for the 4 years with should we or should'nt we. But I always end up thinking of how they would adjust in my home country. I go on pictures of england website alot and make my family look at all the lovely places back home but they don't see what I see, because most Americans have not experienced the way we have been brought up. So for me perhaps moving to a state with 4 seasons may help and a trip home. Good luck with you decisions.

Mummy in the foothills

for Lorry tonight

Lorry1

Hi all,

Thanks again

Well, OH and I had a great chat this evening and things went better...and worse than expected.

Basically we agreed that we would have to stay til the end of my daughters schooling so she could sit her exams here. If I still feel the same in a couple of years, he would agree to return.
This would also allow us time to get our citizenship here so in years to come if we or the kids wanted to return, we could.

I feel bad cos he really loves it here and would be going back because I want to.
Hopefully, when we get there he will be happy

I do like it here and when I look around me there is alot to appreciate, but it does not have my friends and family who I miss so much.

I feel alot better already knowing that this isn't forever

J.J

Sounds like a good outcome, now just enjoy your time here knowing you WILL go back and knowing that those friends and family are still there for you, just a little bit further away than before but definately still there and you will have stories to tell when you next see them. It's only natural to miss them, maybe you can find some new interest to occupy your time here and make some acheivements to boast about or that will be beneficial to you when you get back. This is a positive experience to live abroad, not a jail sentence so make the most of what you have access to while you are here.
Enjoy!!

KerinaK2008

Hey Lorry1, glad to hear your little chat had a positive side to it as well. I know how you feel, like many others on this forum. I desperately also want to return home but my situation is looking like a possible seperation. My husband is totally resistant to it.

I actually proposed a seperation last month quite seriously. But it did not go very well. The whole thing got quite emotional and it ended with lets give it 6 more months. I think he believes that one day i will wake up and feel differently about it all. But I still feel very strongly about returning.

Things just feel even worst for me now, I feel even more trapped. Still feel like this is going to end bad now. Maybe I have just given up on the hope that he will one day change his mind. Its quite a scary place to be, knowing that i may have to do this alone now. But I cant spend the rest of my life like this. I am thinking of having a serious conversation with my parents about this as I am fed up of living a lie.

Good luck with your future plans. You are lucky that your husband is at least a bit open to it for the future.

sallysimmons

Lorry1 congratulations! I have to admit I felt a twinge of envy when I read your post but I'm really happy for you.

KerinaK, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a tough situation. It makes me realize that I'm fortunate to not be too unhappy where I am. Even though I'd rather go home, I'm generally quite happy with my day-to-day life. It's just that I miss the countryside and would love to be near friends and family. It must be very hard to feel the pull as strongly as you do. I really hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

Lorry1

Sorry to hear about this
How long have you been in Toronto?

The bad part of our chat was hubby agreed to return. I now how much he loves it here and has been working really hard networking so he can go off contracting in a few years and give us a good future.

The good part of our chat was also hubby agreed to return. We have a really strong marriage and he understands how I am feeling. If he does contracting in UK, at least I'll be surrounded by friends and family while he's away.

I feel alot better today after talking about it and knowing that returning is an option for us in the future.

I hope everything works out for you