SuperRams

I have spent time reading older posts to see if there is a magic answer to solve homesickness... the reality of it is that there isnt. I guess i am using this board as a method to just let it all out.

I have been in the states for 10 years. Never 100% felt like i belonged but did what i was told and gave it time. I live in an area which is close enough to both NewYork and Philly but far enough away for it to be pratical. Tried on this board and others to see if there was any local Brits that i could talk with but there are none. Tried the route of speaking with TOH who is American but that did not go down well. In fact she feels gulity and instead of listening and understanding makes me feel bad for feeling the way i do. There is little chance of her agreeing to move to the UK, marriage is not strong enough to survive that and even if it was she would still be against the move (houses to small etc). I have 2 great kids that i adore but i am just lost. They say you should never stay married for the kids but i could never leave them, married or speparated i would still miss home.

I struggle with it every day, the people i know are all from being married. I have first hand experience of telling them something and for it to get back to TOH. I work from home so do not have the social connection at work to build any meaningful friendships.

I am not really sure what i am doing even wrtiing this, there is no magic answer that will make it go away. Feel lost, want to be there for my kids if no one else but i cant even be there for me. Any help, advice or just an ear would be good from people who understand.

Gabgoeshome

I am sorry ,that is a tough situation to be in .

This is a great place to vent and get advice ,many of us are in the same boat .

I would write more ,but have to go out now lol ,see you around though

Sally Redux

No magic answers, you will have to hang on at least until your kids are older.

From what I've seen in myself and others these feelings never really go away but you can try to accept that nothing is forever.

SuperRams

They never go away, you learn to deal, the problem is that i dont like the way dealing with it has made me. The lack of a support network etc is what adds to this. Other things are going on (for another message board) that necessitates some familar faces, sounds etc.. I have the hope that nothing is forever.... just seems that 12 years which is how long it will take for my youngest to graduate high school is a mighty long way away.

quoll

Would marriage counselling be an option perhaps? Sometimes saying it with an impartial third party mediator is some help in getting a sense of compromise which makes it easier to live with.

Can you budget for more frequent trips back home and look to the very long term, perhaps a half year here/there retirement (as I said, a very very long term!) just to keep you living with some sense of hope that things will get better in the end.

It sounds like a horrid situation for you to be in so I hope there is something you can do to make things even just a little bit better! However I doubt the feeling of not belonging is ever going to go away - I've had mine for 32 years, 8 months and 2 days (counting? me? nah!) and if anything it has got worse as the steel bars have come down with a clang however, for me, it is the least worst option - life without the DH would be a much less pleasant prospect.

SuperRams

Marriage counselling would normally be an option... the issue is she has to deal with some other issues that currently take a lot of time and effort. She needs to resolve that first and then focus on the rest.

usanewlife

Not sure if it would help your particular situation, but have you considered a relative or friend from the UK visiting you for a while? It has helped my daughter with her homesickness, although she is also having counselling.

SuperRams

Funny you should mention that, a friend has just left after visiting for a week. Whilst it is good to see him the concern i always have is that he is giving up vacation and the last thing i want to do is to hit him with all my issues as it kind of destroys his vacation. I try to have fun with him whilst he is here so that he wants to come back.

Wub

You sound a little depressed with it all - maybe a visit to the doc might help and it wouldn't hurt for you to access a bit of counselling - just to help you get through the next few weeks/months. Worth a look at perhaps?

I think it might be an idea to make a long term plan for when your children are older and you feel that you can in all conscience, move back home. By planning, saving, researching options etc. it might just give you a focus and goal to aim for whilst remaining fully committed to those who matter where you are.

You sound like a very generous, thoughtful sort of person - don't forget though that you have a right to happiness too you know. If you're in a 'bad place', emotionally, the knock on effect can be very hard to live with long term and in many respects, its just putting off the inevitable if you know what I mean...

Its a tough call.

SuperRams

I guess I am, i have a job that is demanding, a home life that is as well and on top of it all homesickness. I have a lot going on and you get lost in the shufffle and you struggle to find ways to deal. The OTH has her demons that she is struggling with which makes things harder than most and you try and keep things as stress free as possible but in doing so you just keep everything in.
I have always struggled with counsellors etc, i find them to a certain extent like Dr's in that they have a big list of patients to see in one day, spend the first half of the session catching up reading notes from the last session and then the rest of the session they listen but already have their mind on the next patient coming through the door.

It is not so much the place of home i miss but the support a family provides. The OTH take is that she is my family now, i guess she is right but with what is going on it is little comfort.

I live in hope that one day i will go back... sorry to depress everyone, it is some relief to type this down and get a response rather than just talking to yourself...

Beedubya

Sorry you are going through it and believe me EVERYBODY on this thread has your feelings of homesickness, that's why it's called "MOVING BACK TO THE UK", not "I LOVE WHERE I LIVE"...........

So come on here as often as you want, vent, rant, rage, type type type, its a form of therapy I believe and I know it has sure helped me and it is a lifesaver when you realise you are not the only person feeling the way you do, it is a lot more common than you realise though of course you don't come across it that often IRL.

There are no easy answers......you will probably do what most people do, hang on in there for your kids until they have flown the nest then take a long, hard look at how you feel about living "there" for the rest of your life.........who knows you may have come to some kind of acceptance that you are where you are supposed to be........if not, you will have options.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to remember to focus on it sometimes.......

Sally Redux

I think it is a little simplistic for your partner to say that she is your family now. We gain support from a range of familiar people and things.


Finding some other Brits to chat to would definitely make you feel better, maybe keep searching you may find some. Counselling may be beneficial, the cautionary note is that they may be quick to medicate and that stuff is unpredictable.

SuperRams

Thanks again for all your comments.... everyday is a new day as they say. One day it will be ok... just need to get to that point.

Thanks again!

SuperRams

I have to a certain extent accepted where i am, i dont like it but i have to get on with it. I will never call this home, i never have... a house doesn't make a home.

You learn every day, and take it one day at a time... i know another cliche... but that is all you can do...

Thanks again

dgjamison

Hi SuperRams, sory to hear of your predicament I think from what you have said reading between the lines is that you are really lonely as well as being homesick, and would love someone from home who you can talk honestly to and they will understand where you are coming from. If you don;t mind me asking what part of the UK are you from? You seem to work from home which would isolate you from workmates as well, are there any english social clubs that you could join, I know when we went to canada we went to some Irish pubs when we first arrived and it helped, meeting people from home, although when we got settled we went on to make some fantastic Canadian friends, but we still kept our Irish/English/Scotish/Welsh friends as well, and I think they keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and thry understand when you have bad days, as they all had them too, but it really helped me. I don't think it helps your oh having problems and you feel you can't talk to her, to me that: is creating a pressure cooker situation. I really think you need to try and get into some sort of activity outside the home for some YOU time, as you don't seem to like the idea of councillers. I really hope you keep talking here as it is a kind of therapy and it really helped me last year, so please keep in touch and let us know how your getting on Denise