Merseygirl

I am currently in the UK on a 3 month recce, I normally live in Adelaide and have done with my husband for 14 years. However, I have never really felt settle there, whereas my husband has and it has slowly and painfully driven a wedge between us as he does not want to move to the UK for any period of time (he is British also).
I had reached a point where I had to do something about this as it has been eating away at me for quite some time. So I decided to come to the UK on my own for awhile to sort my head out and see if I truly want to stay here.

However, a month into my stay, my husband has decided that he was wants a permanent separation regardless of whether I stay in Britain or return to OZ (I still have a home and job there).
This has made me feel very sad but not totally surprised given that we have been slowly drifting apart for the last few years. I am just sad that he has chosen to do it via email while I am away rather than sort it out with me face to face when I return in September. We have been married for 19 years and it is not the way I would have wished to conclude things. I respect his decision but feel sad because I have known him for 21 years and it is the end of an era. We don't have children which is a blessing in some ways. Part of me wants to stay in the UK for awhile but the other part of me longs for the security of my home and job in Oz even though things would never be the same again. I feel so confused and sad but I know I will get through this somehow.
I guess you could say that in some ways, it was moving to Australia that has caused us to drift apart, however there are never any guarantees that a marriage can last regardless of the reasons. I have already watched 3 other couples this year break up who were close friends of ours which hasn't helped!!
I have waffled on a bit, but just feel a need to let off some steam...
Thanks for reading.

Mummy in the foothills

Awww hugs to you. What a rotten underhanded way of breaking it off.

dingbat

So sorry to hear this. I had been with my ex husband for twenty years when we split, and we did have children. In that respect, I wish I had been given the option to move on with my life in a new place, because staying just rubbed salt in the wound (although I had no choice but stay).

Take your time to grieve, because that is what you will be doing, and look forward, not back. Hold onto the good memories and abandon the bad ones, because they only serve to hinder your move forward. Best of luck.

TraceyW

You poor sod. Talk about being a coward and doing it like that and not face to face

I agree with the poster who said take your time. Something will present itself to make up your mind where you're supposed to be.

Cyber hugs ((((((((HUG))))))))) xx

Lorna_D

What a turmoil you must be in . Even if you did suspect it might happen eventually, he could have respected you enough to tell you face to face.

Don't make any rash decisions, as Dingbat says it is a greiving process and it will take a time to go through the process.

Good luck with whatever you future holds.

quoll

{{{hugs}}} what a pr*t - sorry, he is your nearest and dearest and all that but there are ways and ways of ending a relationship and email is not the way to do it when you have been married for as long as you both have.

Like the others have said - take your time to make a decision about what to do next and hopefully something will pop up to make it all crystal clear for you. More {{{hugs}}}

Tr1boy

Very sorry to hear this, be strong. I know it will be hard but still try to be objective about your recce, because that is your future.

Cowardice isn't nice. I came home one day to find my wife, kids, furniture, money and car all gone.

YOU DO COME BACK FROM THESE THINGS,,,,,it just doesn't feel like it at the time.

Cyberhug for you.

johnh009

The Americans have a great term (one of the few) called "reinventing yourself". And, it can be done. Often, having worked abroad most of my life, if I find myself in a situation that I am not happy with, I work to change it. The results can often be quite gratifying.

Nu-Shooz

So sorry to hear your pain. It was a cheap way for your husband to do things this way. Do you think he could be saying it to make you say you will stay in OZ!!
I hope it won't spoil the rest of your time in the UK. Maybe you should start planning a permanent return whilst you are here (if that's what you really want).
I know it will be hard, but time is a great healer. I hope you start to feel better soon and get out of the dilema you are in, good luck

cindyabs

I am so sorry to hear this, been there, done that with the marriage ending after a long time. Ex sent me an IM saying he wanted divorce, told him that he at least he to call me to tell me this (he was working in a different state)...........



You deserve better and that will come to pass, when you least expect it.


All the best to you.

Merseygirl

No I don't think he did it to make me stay in Oz - he is not a manipulative person. He did it to make things easier for himself and he has since admitted that and apologised for the way he went about things.

Thank you to everyone for responding to this post with your advice and good wishes. Fortunately, I have some good people in my life who will stick by me and I will get through this no matter what the future brings.

Bevm

That's rough, Merseygirl.

Do you think you could get an equally good job in the UK? Or any job, and have your OZ one held for a year?

Because you seem to feel you don't want to be in OZ, perhaps you should staying for a while and "find yourself."? Yes, reinvent. Become a completely new you. The true you. I suspect you've been shaping yourself to him recently.

But it's easy to say and trickier to do

Bev

3 go mad in Adelaide

Hi K, I'm truly so sorry for your predicament, I know you have been struggling for some time and your OH's timing has been insensitive to say the least.

Only you can decide where you want to go now, but please know that we are here to listen whenever you feel like a good rant! Try and make the most of your time in the UK, it will be very hard to see things objectively right now and I'm sure it must seem very easy to get on a plane back to Adelaide to sort things out. But remember, you need this trip and must try and get as much out of it as possible.

Sending you my very best wishes and hope that you find happiness in whatever choices you now make. xxx

chance to be

I dont post that often now, but I wanted to say how sorry I am about your situation. You have always been a huge amount of support for people on this forum and your upbeat nature in difficult times, Im sure has helped many a person
What do I know? What can I say? All I can do is show some empathy and reiterate whats others have already said.
All I do know is you have come across in the past as a wonderful person, and though you may not think it now - it WILL get better.
people say time is a healer - and it is - a great one - unfortunately time passes at its own pace and you have to ride this storm for now. But you will.
Love to you
C x

nutgrove

first off as a scouser you will know the songs

You'll never walk alone & Ferry cross the Mersey

and JohnH made a good point

OK, now get back to him, tell him if he is 100% sure (& you cant hang on to someone that does not love you) there is no reconcilliation that can be done

You will be a stronger person to stand head held high (clear head) because he sounds like he is playing on what may be your weakness

Keep those friends & family close on this one (sometimes though not always a good idea, so be careful

a) Go back to OZ & get it sorted (do not lose your cool)
b) Settle up everything
c) Do whats necessary in your favour, even if its the full seperation & divorce (do not chuck everything in to him)
d) Move back to the Pool if need be as a place to start, meet new friends, maybe a new fella
e) do not dwell hard and long on this, because it will tear you apart mentally

Keep talking to us strangers - it may help

All the best