Roll back five years and we had a great house, two cars, well paid jobs and life was pretty good - or at least I thought so but my husband always wanted to leave the uk (he felt it was very overcrowded and got very stressed with the volumes of people and traffic commuting to work which is fair comment).

My husband had always wanted to emigrate to New Zealand and so following much expense, much paperwork and much apprehension on my part (we had never even visited the place before moving and it meant leaving my elderly parents alone in the UK) we moved out to NZ in 2005.

We never had the conversation of what if one of use doesnt settle and one of us does? Or what if parents get ill back in UK and need a bit of support and help moving house and that. I always thought we could go out for a couple of years as I believe if you get a chance to fulfil a life dream (his) then you should go for it and get it out of your system. Then I thought we would be able to come back when necessary and look after ageing family.

Well he absolutely loved NZ and although I liked it I found it very hard to settle with the family thing with my ageing parents in the UK and also the fact that my children remained in the UK. True to name I did a lot of long haul flights to see my family once per year. My husband didn't come with me as he always said he hated UK and long hauls and preferred to fly his son out to see him (he only has one son with both parents deceased before we emigrated). In hindsight this was a big mistake as I hated flying alone all the time to visit family and sort out domestic affairs while he could just do nice adventure tours with his son in NZ. We had just one holiday together in NZ for this reason as I had to use my four weeks leave and spare cash to pay for flights to UK.

Well fast forward five years later and with my father now in his 90s and not so good health we moved back to the UK. It has been a very hard move especially with the job situation. We have been here almost a year now

I have a job, it pays enough for us to live on, a job is a job these days in my opinion especially as we are now in the late 40s and early 50s age group. We can survive on my wage, not living like movie stars, but OK. Just hanging out until we can draw on our pensions at 55 or so.

My husband has not been fortunate to find work in his field. He has applied for numerous positions the length of the country and had one interview and many many rejections. Absolutely soul destroying stuff. He could not have done more - he has networked with old contacts, made new contacts, engineered meetings with influential persons and been willing to relocate to anywhere in the country and been very flexible on salary even willing to take half and go in on a much lower entry level rather than the senior level he was at. In his industry it seems that being overseas five years makes it very hard, if not impossible, to get back in to working in the UK. Age is against him too although supposedly employers cannot be ageist it does seem to make it harder.

He has a part time job which he apparently hates but added to mine we can earn enough to live on; its just not in our particular fields. This was the story for me in NZ too as I ended up just temping for two years before finally getting work in my area. Again my view is that it is about surviving and don't be too fussy and expect to work in your field all the time as work is pretty scarce both here and there. Work and life is never perfect so I figure just get on with it and things will change as they always do and keep applying for what you want.

Every day now our lives are hard as he cannot settle here in UK and says that he absolutely hates the country. It is like a black cloud hanging over our lives constantly. I feel angry with this too as I am trying to juggle full time work, elderly parents and run a household as my husband has lost interest in doing anything here in UK it seems. As I write this I know it sounds like symptoms of depression and he would say this too but apparently he will only feel better once he is back in NZ with his job and friends.

I cannot write how stressful our lives have now become. He hates every minute he is in the UK and this is so exacerbated by the work thing.

I would move back to NZ no problem if it were not for the fact of my ageing and not well parents and the fact that all I see is long haul flights and being totally unsettled and unable to take a permanent job due to needing to be responsive if something goes wrong back home.

Neither of us can sleep or settle and it is like living on a sword edge. I really really don't know what to do and neither does he. Our daily exchanges refer to splitting up due to all the pressures.

I read so many stories on here where it is a case of both partners loving or hating NZ and being a unit. I feel emigration has driven a huge wedge in my marriage and that if we had never gone then we would not be in this untenable situation.

The dilemma is whether to cut our loses in UK and move back to NZ where my husband believes he will be able to get his old job back which he loves and we live off his salary or if we stay in UK and live off my salary.

On top of this my father now in his 90s is not too well. I have offered to my husband that I feel I need to be in UK right now for Dad (I am an only child so there is no other person to watch out and sort things out for him and my fragile mother who is in her 80s - my children have their own busy careers so manage to see their grandparents perhaps two or three times per year).

I won't even mention the exchange rate which means we have also lost a load of money moving back and would be unable to buy a house in NZ now.

So sorry it's a long rant here but I guess sometimes one has to just put it all down on paper.

What a terrible terrible situation and I really really don't know what to do. Seems like he has to be stressed in UK, I have to be stressed in NZ or we have to split - this would be financially disastrous too at our ages as neither of us would get a mortgage now and be able to afford a house.

Has anyone else been in this awful awful situation and what did you do? It feels like I have to choose between supporting my elderly parents in the UK and supporting my husband in NZ.

You really are between a rock and a hard place, Frequentflyer.

Your husband probably sees the reality that it's going to be a long time until you can both go back to NZ, because even if your father dies soon, your mother will need you.

Perhaps you could live apart without severing your relationship. That works for some and not for others, but there are people living such long distance relationships because of job or other commitments.

With Skype and such you can video talk every day, your money situation will be much better, and you can both take the long flights to get together a few times a year, or meet up midway for a wonderful holiday.

Best I can do!

Bev

Actually Bev, that's not a bad idea at all, he could go back to NZ and set himself up until such time as FF can join him permanently. People in the military live like this every day when their partners are away on duty and lots of wives have husbands working in the Middle East etc. I know at one time my sister's husband spent many years working in Libya to make some serious money for their future.

I'm so sorry it has worked out for you like this FF.

Yikes, long post (but thanks for using paragraphs!) and several issues. It's a horrible situation to be in, but one that comes up so many times. I "watch" that program on Australia (Wanted Down Under, maybe?) every now and then when I'm working from home and so many of the cases seem like a train wreck waiting to happen (I think the producers deliberately choose families like this). Emigrating is challenging enough, but when you add the extra distance of Oz/NZ, older parents left at home, no siblings at home to take care of them, and two people with different opinions on emigrating, the likelihood of things going tits up is so much greater.

There are no easy solutions - though the suggestion of treating it like a military family situation is a pretty good idea, pragmatically (not easy, but then nothing is). Military couples have no choice about being apart, maybe that makes it easier I don't know, but it's all about mindset - accepting the situation is half the battle.

On the same topic, my own experience has taught me the mindset lesson (if you can't change the situation, work on changing your attitude). My first two years back here were a huge struggle for a lot of practical reasons. I can completely identify with your comment on exchange rate (the £ cost $2 when I came back, from a historic norm in the $1.50-$1.60 range), and I lost many thousands when I exchanged in order to pay the deposit on the house I now live in. Of course, I also bought at the worst time (mid-2007) which also added to my sense of disgruntlement. And I hated my job (still don't love it - academia in the US is so much more rewarding).

Your situation is different in that I don't have elderly parents, and no spouse, but I have resented my own stupidity and lack of foresight. I think that's a trap to avoid - no point in recrimination once something is done. Also, if you hadn't gone to NZ, I don't think things would necessarily have been rosy, you could well be arguing with your husband because he didn't get his chance at adventure. You can never know the "What if?", so no point wondering or assuming.

Lastly, I'd also say your hisband should be careful assuming life will be better for him in NZ. It's a natural assumption when you are miserable that if you move, things will be better - but that's a dangerous assumption. He might end up unemployed in NZ, but alone, so that would be even worse. Why does he "think" he will get his old job back? I've been there, done that (interviewed for my old job) and got stitched up, so you never know.

OK, my reply is already too long. Basically, there's no "correct" answer but I'd say (a) think really carefully about whether NZ would be better for your husband, (b) work on accepting thngs as they are (you seem to be fighting it), and (c) consider the "military couple" idea, with a fixed timeline after which you will re-assess the situation.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

Some excellent advice in the above replies, FF.

If you go back to NZ whilst you have ailing parents I'm sure you will regret it. My best friend (an Aussie expat living in New Jersey) has just - for the second time this month - had to fly from New York to Sydney as her dad is dying from lung and liver cancer. She is only able to do this as she is self-employed, but of course is currently earning no income.

I'm certain that if you return to NZ you will have a huge guilt trip about leaving your parents, especially if their health declines suddenly.

Personally, my own situation is that my spouse is living and working overseas and I meet up with him every few weeks. For almost three years he was in Singapore whilst I was in New Jersey, but in July he relocated with his job to Switzerland (which is more convenient lol!). This situation will most likely continue for another year as I'm hoping to get US citizenship, then I will move back to wherever my spouse happens to be

We do have a strong marriage, however. It has been challenging at times - but there are many couples who are seperated because of their employment, even if it's from the home base where the spouse is constantly going on business trips, working offshore with oil or shipping companies, or of course military families.

Maybe your spouse could go back to NZ and see if it's workable? Something to think about anyway.

Is there any possibility that your DH would try another country nearer to your parents? I don't know what his job is or if language/visas would be a problem, but East Coast USA, Ireland, France? NZ is a heck of a long way. If it is the crowded-ness of the UK, any of those three would maybe suit him.

{{{hugs}}}

One hesitates to say it but it sounds to me like your DH hasnt really invested in getting himself back into UK - he has paid lip service to it and with a sort of possibly detectable half heartedness is now of course saying 'I told you so!!!' (Sorry, lifetime cynic here!)

I think your first step might be marriage guidance counselling because there is no obvious compromise. Like you, I am an only child with ageing parents and they cant manage on their own but would hate being institutionalized. Fortunately for me my DH has recognized the need and is totally behind our move back to support them - we have the added bonus of not having to work though which does make a huge difference.

Maybe you could try the 'give me 5 years' line - what do you expect will be the situation with your parents then? Or you could call his bluff and say OK go and get your old job back then you can come and do the long haul flights back to me while I look after the aged rellies and then when they are no longer with us and you have got us a house back in NZ of course I will be happy to come along (edited to say, I was here with my aged rellies for a month without DH and it was a bit of a challenge to say the least - I cried when he said he would come here before Christmas, such was my relief). It does all boil down, though, to the question of whether your marriage is worth fighting for, in which case head off to Marriage Guidance quick smart. Sometimes men need a bit of a smack with the anti-egocentric stick!!!

Smart lady Quoll.
I think seeing you've been there done that you make a lot of sense.
My Dh wasn't vested in the move many years back and tried hard to find all the negatives, moaned and whined a lot, never even tried to find a job or went to any interviews, then moved us all back to US, now nearing 50 we are moving again, only this time it's "his" plan so we can help the aging rellies. He's vested this time, so I hope it sticks, cause if he tries to flip flop he's moving without me and the kids.

All the above replies are thoroughly intelligent. I'm a brit married to a kiwi for 17 years, we are both in our forties, no kids. We lived in UK until Feb of this year when we relocated to NZ. There were numerous reasons why we left, nothing earth shattering just fed up to the back teeth with every one and every thing. I felt he was teetering on the edge of a mid life crisis. (To be frank I thought, 'mid life crisis ? Coo, can I come ?') His widowed mother and married sister live in Auckland. I didn't think it was unreasonable for him to spend more time visiting his family whilst our NZ nieces and nephew are still children. Also, at the age of 76 his mother isn't getting any younger. Since arriving he has however twice remarked, 'I didn't come here for them'. Them being his NZ relatives. So much for, 'I want to see my little nieces' which is what he said prior to us leaving the UK. That remark really touched my heart.

However, this leaves my widowed Dad aged 69 in Britain. My sister lives 10 miles away from him.

Despite my husband getting all sentimental about NZ as he grew up here since the age of four I have gambled on him getting bored of NZ, again. Just like he did when he came to Britain on his late start OE in 1990. His restlessness for NZ was making him difficult to live with. I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life as his jailer. Little did I realise that if we stay in NZ he will become my jailer. That small thought didn't dawn on me until we got here. I thought about telling him we would go to NZ for a few years, not forever. The thought of getting, 'well there's no point going then' screamed into my face didn't really appeal. I thought, ok, mate, you want NZ, then NZ you shall have. Have a large dose of it. Still feeling sentimental ? No, thought not. Reality is an inconvenient truth.

So we didn't really discuss how long we would live in NZ. We kinda intimated it would be forever. My ultimate weapon, I suppose, would be for me to go back to Britain solo and see if he follows me. If he did what use is a blackmailed, corralled husband ?

Anyway, we will be here for the forseeable future. However we have both declined to transfer our pensions to NZ.

Sorry you're in such a desperately difficult position. Hope you find peace within your own mind.

Thank you so much for the feedback and comments. Its so good to know that the situation is not that unique and many of us go through some or all of this at some time when we roll the dice and emigrate to the other side of the world.

I hear you with the Wanted Down Under programme - I have watched that many times too and it often works out 50/50 with one being totally committed to emigrating and one unsure. I think its the distance/family thing that is hardest of all. To me work is work wherever I am in the world.

I agree with the line accept where you are and get on with it and make the most of it - that is my attitude to life, I used that in nz too many a time. I would go for the live apart option but I dont think my OH would do that he has a all or nothing attitude to these things. Same re the marriage guidance - has anyone ever succeeded and got a alpha male to a see a counsellor!!!; I have more chance of winning lottery than that though I think it would be a good idea.

Thank you again and i hope to post something more positive and settled in a few months time with an update. This site is brilliant whether over here or over there for the support and understanding and just the opportunity to let of steam sometimes.

Hi FF
all I can say is hugs and ditto ditto to your long post we did move back in 2010 as OH did not settle in Wellington I being the main bread winner could not find a job like your OH I was very flexible but after 7 months OH decided he missed NZ i found a job in Auckland in 2 weeks of applying fast forward 6 months and guess what Oh is home sick and only moved back as we had a job like you I agree this is a very expensive process and have lost shed loads of money let alone uprooting a DS every time.
We are tied here for 3 years otehrwise have to pay back reloaction expenses, we are just about surving on both of us working full time witha large mortgage, I sometimes wonder why he wants to move back as we will never be able to afford our old life back which he reckoned was perfect!
say no more

Thanks Janey K! We have much in common I think as you have replied to a few bits that I posted.

We used to live in Wellington and we are now in the SW of the UK. Where did you live in the UK?

At least my OH is consistent about not wanting to live in UK. You guys must feel very unsettled talk about curse of the expats and not feeling settled.