gwlnd

British expat living in the south western United States here. Since moving 5 years ago I've met an American and become engaged. Since then things have went downhill. First off due to my J1 visa we found out that our plans to get married in the UK weren't going to work and we delayed things.
. As part of researching venues I began to realise how much I miss the UK. Up to that point the US had been new and exciting and then during COVID I was thankful for living in a state where I wasn't lockedown and could still go about life pretty normally.
When planning out my life and marriages I also came to realise that the life I want isn't really available here. I feel I've grown too old for city life and want to settle down but find American suburbia dystopian. I'd love to live in a village with good access to walking trails but still be a reasonably close drive from a city. Where I'm from in the UK I'd have plenty of options and never be more than 1.5hours from multiple national parks but it just seems that the lifestyle doesn't really exist in America or the few spots it might are insanely expensive and touristy. I hate the idea of always having to get in a car whenever I leave the house and the American strip mall way of life I find depressing.
. I'm pretty outgoing but the only deep friendship I have made since being here is with a fellow Brit and I have a bunch of close friends back home whom I really miss. I've had to miss the weddings of two of my closest friends and I know that kind of thing will keep happening.
I miss family, father recently had a heart attack, and I'm yet to meet my new born niece. I went home this past summer and got to spend time with my father and nephew whom I hadn't yet met due to Covid. However that trip has the potential to complicate future green card application as I am running out of time to get married due to my current visa running out in a year. As such my partner understandably wasn't supportive and we got into a couple of fights. She has also made it clear that any kind of extended trip of a month or longer would cause huge fights in the future.
My partner however isn't particularly interested in moving to the UK and she herself is homesick for her home town as she moved out of state to work where we currently live. She says she is open to a move in the future but there is no kind of timeline and I think she just says that to give me hope but there will always be some obstacle. It is unlikely that it would be a good career move and she has a very good corporate job here and great prospects for the future. She also wants to move back near family and to buy a house in that area.
I fear that once married and potentially having kids I'll be stuck here and have to live with the sadness of missing home. However I'd be heartbroken if we broke up. I'm kind of running out of time on my visa to get married and apply for a green card and the strain of this limbo is having a real negative effect on our relationship. Any advice or brutal honesty on my situation is welcomed.

Kiwikaye

You have my sympathies. This is not an easy position to be in, but I really think you need to give some serious thought to whether you can live in the US, potentially forever with perhaps only short trips back to the UK. You would need to feel you could make the US "home". The time to do this is before you get married, not after. As much as you may love this person and want to make a life with them, it sounds like they are unwilling to compromise on where you will both live going forward. Obviously we only have your side of the discussion to go on, but based on what you write above, I think you are correct in your feeling that she may be trying to placate you and will raise obstacles in the future.

We are a mixed couple (OH is the Brit and I am a Kiwi) and we have lived in both countries, but compromised on a third country where we are very happy. Oddly a recent trip back to the UK after a very long time (17 years) had me more interested in a move to the UK but OH not so interested.

Once you marry and particularly if kids come along you may well find yourself stuck somewhere you don't want to be. If your fiancee could not support even a holiday back home for you (albeit I get that this may have been around the timing issues) will she support you in other things?

I apologise if this sounds too blunt, but I truly believe that where you live, as much as who you live with, contributes to long-term happiness and the feeling of being stuck is worse than having too many options.
There will always be comprises when you come from different countries and it is important to feel that you can discuss these and work through them, rather than one person always having to be the "giver".

Best wishes with your deliberations.

Helen1964

Hi
The fact you’re even contemplating choosing a place over a person is setting off alarm bells for me.
It was a long tîme ago and we were very young (so admittedly hormones played a big part) but when I met my future husband in the Soviet Union we would have lived anywhere just to be together. The location just wasn’t important.

You say if you end it you’ll be heartbroken. But for how long? Two weeks? A month? Six months? A year maybe? Still better than a lifetime of feeling trapped.
So my advice is feel the pain and do it anyway. Otherwise in 7 years time you’ll be back on this forum complaining that you’re lonely and homesick, except by then you really will be trapped because you’ll likely have a few kids and be less open to the possibility of changing jobs. And there’ll be no one to hear you scream in suburbia. Except us of course.

gwlnd

​​​​​​
It is definitely fair to say that I've only put one side of the story forward, and part of the problem is she also has similar feelings of homesickness as she is from the Midwest but moved to Arizona. I can't fault her in this, or really expect her to want to move to the UK. She is not the one who was willing to move countries in the first place and never really had any intention to do so. The frustrating part is that somewhere on the east coast may offer more of the things that make me happy and my partner would be more open to moving there. Problem is the only way I could do that with my visa is if we were to get married first, and I'm struggling with the idea of a life long commitment on the hope that I may be happy in the future. Thanks for your input, it's good to hear from someone completely impartial.

gwlnd

​​​​​​Your last paragraph is definitely something that has crossed my mind but it just seems so cold-hearted. I'm self aware enough to know that I'm not always the most empathetic person and tend to think with my head rather than my heart. So I've definitely thought that but worried it was my unempathetic side talking and it's not always best to follow that. Thank you for your input.

christmasoompa

I always slightly cringe when giving an opinion on something so personal, even though I know you've asked for it by posting on the forum. Everybody is so different, and my expectations of a marriage or life may be very different to yours. But I had to respond to say that this rings massive alarm bells with me, along with a few other things you've said. She should be what makes you happy now. If you're not happy or having doubts before the wedding, then that isn't great. This should be the time you are the most convinced about her, and most happy, and most excited. It doesn't sound as though you're any of those things.

At my wedding (20 years ago), we had a reading from Captain Corelli's Mandolin. I'd read the book just after we got engaged and that passage resonated with me and how I felt about my then fiancé, so we had it as a reading. It essentially said that a couple grows roots towards each other until they are one tree, and not two. Both of you need to be prepared to entwine your roots together to become one, ask yourself if you can somehow do that?

That was quite personal and poetic for me. And I haven't even had a G&T yet this Saturday evening.

Good luck to you, with whatever you decide.

Ukoneday

Honestly, I’d break it off and go home.

I was in SoCal, same thing happened.
I stayed, married, 2 kids. 15 years later I’m still here and I love my husband and my children, but there isn’t a day goes by I don’t wish I had gone back to London and found someone else. There’s always more people you could be happy with. Now I’m 45 and stuck here.
if you’re male, you’ve got even less time pressure to start a family.

Foreign kids, is the hardest for me. It kills me they don’t share any of my childhood experiences and rights of passage.

Now if you feel you can’t live without her, it’s worth the cost. If you want to avoid the NHS and other lower standard living conditions in the uk, those US benefits should be considered. The US has its bennies.

Anyway, there are costs and benefits to everything. Id think carefully before putting that second ring on your partner’s finger.

Rebster

Although I am hesitant to comment, I do feel I should say something regarding this.... My husband and I were desperately unhappy living in Texas, and had discussed a move back to the UK in 2012. However, he really wanted to try and make it work in the US. We compromised by moving to NC, thinking an east coast location would be better and we could be happier. For a time it seemed to work, but as so many others also report, once the "newness" of your location wears off, you are left with the same issues. The qualify of life you miss about the UK will not be found here. We've spent nearly 10 years in our second home now, and are finally making plans for our return. We've missed birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, children being born, illness and even deaths. Things we will never have the chance to be a part of again. Think very carefully about what you commit to now.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Kiwikaye

Don't dismiss this too easily. Sometimes I think humans let their hearts rule their heads too much, and sometimes that is a good thing, but I don't agree that considering your own needs and what will be best for you is cold-hearted. No matter how much you love someone if you are in an environment that does not make you happy, you are likely to be miserable, especially if you cannot see an end to the situation. I think we can "put up" with things for defined periods of time, but I believe that not being able to see an end point is a big contributor in many cases to mental health issues.

Considering your own happiness and wellbeing is not selfish.

gwlnd

Thank you for your input, I can see that you were in a similar place and I do agree about the newness. Big city life like Chicago or something could be fun for awhile but it is not what I have ever thought of long term, and it does seem that it doesn't really exist here.

SanDiegogirl

If it wasn't for the fact your J1 is expiring, would you be even contemplating marriage at this point?
Have you considered getting an employer (maybe your current one) to sponsor you so you can remain in the UK without the 'hold' of marriage?
You don't sound as though you enjoy Arizona life, your fiance wants to return to the MidWest, you might like to try the East Coast, but you would probably have to get married in order to be able to apply for jobs (and she would have to get a new job), but the most important issues are that she does not ever want to move to the UK and you are missing home and would like to either move back or spend substantial time there.
Personally, I don't think you should marry at this stage, you should return to the UK and have a long distance relationship - there are just too many, apparently, non negotiable problems to overcome.

Helen1964

It hadn’t occurred to me that you were cold hearted. Just that you weren’t sufficiently enamoured of this particular lady.
If that’s the case, do her a favour and end it. One of my best friends was married, happily she thought. Only for her husband to turn round after 10 years and admit not only that he didn’t love her but that he’d never truly loved her. She’s over it now and indeed went on to find someone who adores her but it was a very long time before she could think of those 10 years of marriage as anything other than 10 years wasted.

jenninedinburgh

Hello,

As someone who has been married three times, I feel like I have some experience to try and help you. Reading your post provides many signals to the answer that you already know is there. It is staring you in the face, but you do not want to see it (understandably as it is painful). You most likely should move on from this relationship. Good luck to you.

Nypool1e

I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil mate. But reading your post there’s just so many red flags & I am a big believer in instincts, what are your instincts telling you? I am sure that you love your fiancé but do you love her enough to stay with her in the US? About 10/12 years ago my buddy was at his wits end in his marriage & he was thinking about divorce. After listening to him I asked him if he still loved his wife & he said yes, so I told him you owe it to your marriage to give it one more try. He did, they’re still married & in a good place in their marriage. As I wrote before, do you love your fiancé enough?
As for feeling heartbroken should you break up, yes you will be, it will hurt but you will get over that with time, I speak from experience having buried my first two wives, time really is a good healer. I hope I don’t come across as preachy or all knowing, as I wrote before, what do your instincts tell you? Listen to them! I sincerely hope you resolve your issues, good luck.