nicky1969

Dont really post much on here, but ive taken the plunge!! We arrived in Perth, June 2010 myself, oh & 2 kids, I remember when we were about to sign the house over saying to one another shall we go for it or not, and we both decided to give it a shot because i think the regret of not giving it a go would have always of been greater than not. Probably like most of you, we have a good life, we were comfortable, nice home etc, we just thought we would give it a go. Well i can tell you from the minute i arrived i thought "what the hell have i done", we moved into rental, kids settled in school, made new friends who i have to say i really dont know what i would of done without (probably been back in the uk long ago), i found job after 6 months of applying, all this time i have shred tears after tears, I would wake up on a morning with one eye and say am i dreaming, its been a total tester on our relationship, my oh keeps saying hang in there, youll get through this, etc etc, I feel he is really not listening to me, as like so many stories oh loves it and i just cant bare the thought of staying here. I hear the same old you have to give it 2 years lark, but i know in my heart its not home, not for me anyway. I feel i just dont belong here and im also scared about going back and not belonging there (if you can relate to this im not sure). My oh says its for the kids we are doing this, is it selfish of me to take my family back just because of my feelings. My head is in a turmoil, I know its good to bring kids up here, but my heart is to return home.

Hopefully will make the right decision, come what may

brissybee

What do your kids think of the move? If everyone else in your family thinks Australia is wonderful, and you don't, you could consider going on an exploratory holiday to the UK on your own. Maybe see what it is that you're missing (or realise it's not what you remember after all.) If your family remains settled and you still want to go home, maybe you can take regular trips home until you find a resolution. If your kids aren't settled and you know you can't stand it, bail.

dave99

I would say hang in there as well. When we went we always said to give it 2 years. After 6months I was fed up with it and wanted to come back, I said similiar things to you, that it wasnt home, it didnt feel or look right.

Those feeling passed after about 12 months. It started to feel more familier.
But i always had it in my head to return to the uk sometime. After nearly 5 years, with 2 in perth. I decided to move back to the uk. It was still where I thought of as home.
Now I have just arrived back in the UK and have started to regret it almost the first day I was back. It has been great seeing family but its not home. It doenst feel right and now I look around and things just seem smaller and crappy. I am struggling imagining settling back here and building a life. Although its only been a few weeks I am missing perth, something that I could never have imagined doing.

I wish I had done a few visits back to the uk in those years I was in aus, rather than letting it build up in my mind. Perhaps you should pop back for a short visit?

Mummy in the foothills

I think it depends, what is it he's giving the kids there thats better. A depressed Mom? Sunshine (you can get that a week at a time in Spain), access to extended family relationships?
I think doing it "for the kids" is a cop out, unless you are forced to live in a deprived area and be a latch key kid in danger from street gangs in the UK.
Kids grow and bloom wherever the parents live, no matter what country, so long as they have involved loving parents, who raise them with care. Theres also kids who suffer everywhere too, with uninvolved neglectful parents.

Beedubya

I agree Pauline, doing it for the kids is a cop out and one I suppose I used over the years, we have come here for a "better life" for the kids and all that so we must stick it out.

My kids have no better or worse a life than their cousins in the UK.

My biggest regret is taking my kids away from their extended family, they have missed out on so much over the years. And for what?

And now here I am going back and leaving them here 30 years later.

OP 7 months is not a long time, but I know how you feel as I have only been back 10 months and can't wait to get back home.

Maybe you do need to do the 2 year thing?? How old are your children?

quoll

Absolutely correct. There is nothing magical about Australia - it is just another first world country with all the same problems that other first world countries have. Being isolated from extended family is not a better life, it may be different but not better.

May I suggest marriage counselling as a first step. He has to know just how you are feeling and it is better to do it in an atmosphere where there is an impartial third party. Your mental health is paramount here

If I had known that my life was going to pan out the way it has, I would have been gone a very long time ago when we had a chance to build up our lives in a place I want to live in. You do not want to let yourself get stuck here at the a*se end of the world (thank you Paul Keating) if you really feel you dont belong here.

That said, you need to understand too that you cannot go back to exactly what you had - any move needs to be viewed as a new step forward and you are probably better doing that if you have an opportunity to move back to - get work etc sorted before you go, if you can.

pommybird

As I read your post it sounds identical to the situation I was in when we lived in Perth. I felt exactly the same as you with an OH who loved it and wouldn't listen to me. I did (under duress) give it 2 years and it never changed a thing, I knew it was wrong from the day we landed and 2 years later I felt the same.

We came back to the UK 4 and a half years ago and I have never had a moment's regret about coming back, only sheer relief at getting out of Perth.

Personally I think listening to your head is over-rated. Follow your gut instinct, listen to your heart, it won't let you down!

nicky1969

Thanks for the replys some really appreciated, After 24 years of being together i dont think marriage counselling is needed just yet. My kids are 12 & 9, and i agree with the poster who said kids would be happy wherever they are, as long as us parents are with them in a happy loving enviiroment. My kids are good kids, they polite, respectful, and they would be like this no matter where we are because thats how weve brought them up. I think my oh is just wanting to make sure that whatever happens we can at least say we gave it our best shot, as we like the rest of you have given up so much home, jobs etc, and if we do end up going back we wont be saying, well we should of given it longer, this is what weve heard so many times. Its not that i hate it with a vengeance, i do dislike certain things and some things realy wind me up, i just feel empty inside, i walk around analysing people, i envy people who say the love it and wonder why i dont feel the same. Its nice to know that some of you can relate to my feelings, I know 7 months is still early but it feels like a lifetime here, Im going to plod on a little longer and see

citizenmarie

Just wanted to add -- I could relate my move to the States from the UK, long ago, but instead I thought your feelings reminded me of a new job I took recently.

I took it for the money and the title, and it looked good on the outside. I knew deep down it wasn't for me. So I cried every day after work for about 3 weeks! But I knew I should stay and save up money, and I got help from friends, and have gone back for a stint of therapy -- got support. Now I go in every day and I say "this is just temporary". For me, that thinking helps. When I think "oh, this is forever, what have I done?" Then it seems daunting. But "just for now" and for certain reasons... that I can do. (And in a way everything is temporary and able to be changed!)

It might help to write down the reasons you left England, for the head, while still honouring your feelings in the heart. But not having to take any action right now.

Hope this helps.

Beedubya

Great advise!!

I have been doing this for the past couple of months since I made my decision to return to the UK, it's psychological, because things just take on a whole new light and won't bother you as much.

Every time something or somebody is peeing me off at work or just life in general, I say to myself "It's OK, it's only temporary."

It doesn't have to be forever, it can be just for now.....

Sandra

Gosh I can relate so much - my plodding has led to being here nearly 9 years and I still do not feel any better than I did at the start.

I have tried twice seriously to get the family to move back but something always comes up and he won't do it. I have been married 22 years this month and have no intention of letting that go but I do suffer from depression over it. I am aware this is not a great scenario for the future but am so caught in this vicious circle I cannot now seem to see a way out.

RW11

I feel exactly the same. We arrived (husband and 2 young boys) in March 2010. I also knew as soon as we arrived that we had made the wrong decision. I came out thinking we were doing the best for our children but i now believe we would have been better of in Cornwall where we were from and be closer to their nannies and grandads ( 3 hour driving distance). That is why when we arrived i said to my husband that i didn't want to be here long term, we sort of agreed on 2 years here and then look at going back even though i would have gone straight back (reason for 2 years to save up money again and give my husband better chance of getting work). I know what you mean about waking up and hoping it's a bad dream. I must say i do feel better now that we are in some sort of routine and my son is in school and enjoying it and that we are living in Fremantle so there's a bit more to do but i still know that i won't be staying any longer than the 2 years we've agreed. I can't wait to start planning to go back.

brits1

have to agree with you on this....so many people i have met who say..." I am doing it for the kids"..I find that a bit hurtful as if your good/happy parents your children will do well and have a good life wherever you may be, its not down to a country that makes children do well. As for feeling unsettled....it's usually the woman in the relationship that will be the last to settle, sometimes this is down to time and finding your own home etc and getting into a routine...for some it's just that feeling settled is having life long friends and family around you that makes a place home....as for coming back for a holiday...well really thats what it is a holiday....really you have to live somewhere to really know a place. We were in Perth for 12 years and like you we left a good life in the UK to try something different, we had a good life in Aus but after a few years it really was not for us....and there is nothing wrong with that as there is nothing at all with your being upset...it all depends on each individual about how you settle we are all different..you should not put a time scale on when and if's just take each day as it comes and when it comes to a time when you really know its not for you then you either leave or you make the most of life where you are....good luck and really migrating...well...it should have a health warning..lol...take care

Beedubya

The biggest problem I see here is one I am SO thankful I am not in.

The other half wants to stay and you don't - how the hell do you overcome that?

Do you just put up with it to keep the marriage going, you know biting your lip and getting on with it, or does the pull of home mean more than keeping the relationship going?

pommybird

You simply throw a complete wobbler, collapse to the floor kicking and screaming and then shout in a high pitched voice 'I hate it here, I've always hated it here.'

Then you book some one way tickets to the UK, present them to the OH whilst stating in an assertive tone, 'it's Australia/Canada/US/Mozambique (delete as applicable), or me, make your choice' and then storm off out the room in a huff and pray he decides to come with you.

Well it worked for me