ninakula

I am probably considered to be a "snob" - I don't think I am by any stretch of the imagination - but I was raised with money and standards before my endearing father took everything and left his wife and children on the streets. I certainly do not consider myself to be better than anyone else, but I do enjoy a nice home with nice furnishings - we do not drink, smoke or go out to eat - so my home has always been my castle and it was always my driving force to replace what my father took away. This, I thought was finally realised in 2005.

I left the UK in 2002 after 8 years of planning and saving. My husband, myself and 2 young children finally moved to the USA to live the "dream".

That dream became a nightmare almost immediately! In order to get a visa we had to buy a business - the one we purchased was checked out by lawyers etc but still turned out to be a con!! We fortunately still had a business running under management in the UK (which finished a year later), so although we lost everything in the States within 12 months (including my husbands pension) we moved and started again - I took my exams and became an estate agent and made a lot of money - For once we felt pretty secure and I took the chance to sell our house and buy my dream house - I had finally succeeded in replacing what my father took away - I had my horses, my dogs and cats, 2 beautiful children and a lovely home. For 6 months we did finally live the dream - and my father was finally proud of me - then it all came tumbling down with the housing crash.

Again, I fought back and managed to get a well paid managerial job - this time though it was illegal as my visa did not allow me to do this and, as my visa was due to expire, we finally had to admit defeat. We sold what we could and scraped enough together to ship our furniture (it was cheaper to ship than replace) our dogs and cats and us and put enough in the bank for a small deposit on another property somewhere cheaper.

The funny thing was that when the market crashed and I fell victim through no fault of my own - my father turned around and said " the problem with you is that you are a dreamer and dreamers do not get anywhere - this is all your fault for being involved in a niche market (meaning real estate!!!)" We agreed to never talk again....

The rest of my family told me I would be mad to return to the UK - they told me to try somewhere in Europe... "Portugal is wonderful - the new hot place to be" so - taking advice, that is where we moved to....

I had rented a 5 bedroom detached house with gardens through an English agent who operated in Portugal, whilst I was in the US - I had not seen the property but was told that it had been renovated and it just needed 3 of the bedrooms decorating and there would be some work carried out outside for a while.

When we arrived in Portugal on Dec 12th 2007 in -6 degrees, rented a car and found our way to the agents office. He took us to the house and dropped us off.... long story short - the house was uninhabitable - no plumbing, the electricity blew when you put a kettle on. No heating and the doors and windows were rotten to the point that we found some tape and tried to seal them as much as possible. We spent 2 nights sleeping on a floor infront of a wood fire.

This was our introduction to one of the worst countries in the world I could ever imagine living.

1 year on - we moved a total of 5 times in 4 months until we succumbed to buying a house and using what was left of our savings - I was working again in real estate so I thought things would pick up...WRONG!!! We had to settle somewhere as my children and animals were suffering and my furniture was being stored in peoples garages and outside in all weathers!!

Now - the money is gone - the estate agency work didn't work out (another story) and I cannot pay for the house - it has been for sale since the day we signed the deeds.

We are trying to get back to the UK - but all I have left are my standards... I cannot sell my furniture here (for one thing it seems to be too big for most houses) - I am trying to sell the car - I have the animals all ready - and I have arranged to borrow 2 months rent and a deposit from my mother.

Trouble is - I am finding it difficult to find somewhere to rent as the agencies all want references - which is difficult when you have been out of the UK for a while.

I am told that we would not qualify for benefits for 6 months - I don't know if that is right - can anybody help with that please...

and I am absolutely terrified of what the future holds - not so much for me - but for my 2 boys who have gone through all of this with smiles on their faces and total blind faith that their Mum will sort it all out and make good.

It is difficult when you have been used to a lot to accept that you have nothing left - and if that makes me a snob then I apologise because I really am not - manners and respect mean so much to me and although they do not seem to count for much in todays society, I will not let those standards drop or let my children believe otherwise. I cannot face the thought of having to go into some highrise block of flats - I would rather live in a caravan!

I can work, and will work when we get back to the UK - and I will pay my way - it is just getting started and knowing where to go to. Portugal was a HUGE mistake - but I cannot do anything about that - we just have to move on.

At the end of the day - we have to keep smiling - but I have decided not to be too proud to ask for help - so - as I know others have been through as much - and worse - any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And if I can ever help anyone else out - just ask - I am always here....

Thank you for reading and listening

michmel

Wow what a strong lady you are. I can see by your message that you have strength and you'll get through it all. We came here at the time when everything was sky high and we have friends that we made here that lost absolutely everything. Some have gone back to the UK to start again and some have stayed here to fight it out. You will get through it and I wish you lots of luck on your return to the UK.

backagen

Like so many of us on this section of the forum, you have been through things that, in a fairer world than this, nobody should go through.

Your father seems to be the root cause of some of the problems, and yet in a way it sounds to me like the way your father treated you, and your desire to do well in spite of him, has been a major reason why you have done as well as you have in the past.

I hope you can find that strength again somehow because you'll be fine if you can.

You need to for your childrens sake.

What a nightmare to go through though!

All I can really advise you to do is try to look on it as an adventure and without too many pre-determined expectations. Of course keep your standards as best you can too, there's nothing wrong with that and it is a good example for your children to follow.

Good luck back in UK!

audreyrose23

Can I recommend Craigslist to find rental accomodation more likely to be direct from the owner. You are likely to find them more flexible about the references and credit report etc than the agents. Plus agents do charge a lot these days for their (minimal) service which you won't have to pay with this direct contact with owner. Just google Craigslist and the area in UK you are looking at. Good luck, I am sure from your work experience and sheer tenacity that you have the negotiating skills to get around this problem.

ninakula

Thank you to those of you that have replied - I appreciate the encouragement!
To AudreyRose - good luck with your move - one good thing is that, although it does not always seem like it, in Canada and the UK we speak the same language!!
Here in Portugal, I think the most frustrating thing is not being able to have a conversation - it is simply not enough to get by...e.g.
I followed all the advice about speaking to your bank as soon as financial worries hit. The bank were superb (or so I thought) they clearly said (in broken English) that they would give me 1 - 2 months grace on my mortgage - over the winter - to allow me to sort out a job etc. I was elated - it was the break I needed! This was at the beginning of Dec. On 2nd Jan my mortgage payment went out together with all the other charges they make, leaving my bank overdrawn and my credit card frozen. When I called them they said that I had misunderstood - that here in Portugal, you can miss 3 months payments and then they take the house of you straight away!!! I do not think that I misunderstood the 1st time - I even wrote to them confirming the conversation - and they did not reply and say that I had it wrong. However, it now suits them to change their mind and use the language barrier as an excuse.....

Oh for the beautiful English language and to have a decent conversation and even heated discussion with someone - lol

Mummy in the foothills

You've already moved blindly twice and at least moving to the UK you know the language and customs and have friends and family.
It surely can't be any worse.
I think the biggest problem is your father, and letting him have any comment on your life. The man sounds horrible, do whats right for you and yours and tell him to butt out.
Can you stay with your Mom for a few weeks, I think finding a rental is easier once you are there as you can also scour the local papers and meet landlords in person.
You've had extremes of highs and lows, I have no doubt you'll make a good go of it and find your family a nice comfortable home and life all over again. Only this time minus the nasty comments from someone who cared so much about you he ripped it all from you as a kid.

Lorna at Vicenza

You don't say what your husband is doing and it sounds like you're fighting the demons alone.
Best of luck to you all. Things can only get better !

Cheetah7

I would disagree when you say that you have nothing left but your standards, you have something else - your fight, determination and attitude that will take you through these difficult times.

With regards to rental references, ask friends - anyone that can help you out. That is what we had to do for our rental, our landlord was a git and would never have given us a reference.

You have been through so much in your life, you have lost alot, and fought to gain some of it back.

Check out the links section on this forum for information on benefit entitlement. See a thread I started - for those requiring urgent assistance, I put some links for government benefits on there.

You have to take one day at a time and don't look too far forward at this stage in your life.

When things seem hopeless, things do have a habit of changing at a moments notice, it just might take you to think in a different direction or for you to do something out of the norm for that to happen.

Have a read of some posts by a lady called 'Beth', two weeks ago things seemed at their utter worst for her and now she is on her way back to England to start her new life. You can do this as well.

You are not a failure, it is not your fault, you at least tried to live a different life and your dream. There is nothing wrong with aiming for your dreams, I have a huge dream that keeps me afloat through my life and whether or not it will happen is another thing.

Dreams can often keep us going and you had the guts to try and get your dreams. Never stop dreaming about a better future.

So please remember that you have far more than your standards.

ninakula

Thank you...
I have to say that the move to the US was hardly a blind move - I had been going there every year for 16 years and planned and researched the move for 8 years before finally going -.

The move to Portugal was blind - purely because finances did not allow the luxury of travelling back and forth.

We do not have any friends in the UK and my Mum - lets just say that she wants certain things that she feels she is "buying" with the offer of help - believe me there will be plenty of strings attached. she does not have space to put us up so that would not be possible.

My father - he is history as far as I am concerned - yes he is evil and I spent 35 years worshipping him as my hero and wanting his approval - I have let that go now and finally accepted that he will never be there as a Dad or Grandad. We don't pick our parents and there is nothing we can do about who we are delivered to.

Anyway - I shall make it through somehow - and yes - it will be easier once in the UK but it is getting there and somewhere to stay initially that is so difficult - especially when you have 5 animals - and no - there are no decent kennels here - and no - I will not leave them - they are part of my family and have travelled the world with me.

What I really was asking in my original post was if anyone knows what help maybe available in the UK for those returning - or are we cut off from benefits etc like some lepers who are no longer wanted in our own country. I am already signed up with multiple job agencies, but if I cannot find something immediately - I will not last more than 2 months on the money I have left - thats all I was asking!!

Thanks again though for advice and words of support - it is appreciated.

A big Thank you to Professional Princess - I did read about Beth - and it makes me feel my problems are small - and I do hope that everything works out for her. The strange thing is that I do not regret going for my dreams - my boys have experienced some great adventures and I think in years to come they will benefit from all that has happened. It is just here and now that I regret - but, as you say, one day at a time - and maybe tomorrow the sun will shine
Now - to go and check those links you have so kindly taken the time to put up on here

Mummy in the foothills

It seems a few families returning book themselves into a couple of months of off season holiday rentals, maybe thats something to look into.
Do a search on here and read about those who did that. (with animals too)

cricket1again

I would say blaming your father is the main cause of your problems. I'm guessing that you are still harbouring a lot of anger and resentment towards him and somehow, this is affecting your decision making. I'm by no means a psychologist, just reading between the lines, but it's almost as though you are setting yourself up to fail in some way possibly because deep down, your father may have made you feel a failure at some time.

I would say, don't rush into another decision yet. Work through a few issues first to get some distance and clarity first. Remove the control your father still has over your thinking by cutting off contact for now, grow in strength and in determination, which you clearly have, and then have faith in yourself.

I had an extremely difficult father, I know it can leave a deep scar but honestly, your first step to making a good decision and seeing it through to success, is to take full responsibility without blaming anyone for the past. This gives you true freedom without limits and it will help clear any lasting blocks you place on your own ability.

I wish you well.

BristolUK

That "nothing for 6 months" reference in your earlier post is old hat. There is this thing called Habitual Residence Test. So long as you are returning to take up residence in the UK again, you will have the same entitlements as anyone already there. A few years ago, some officials "decided" being back for 6 months would qualify but that was completely not correct.

As long as things look logical....bank accounts abroad closed, no accommodation links abroad....the kind of stuff that makes it look like a return abroad is possible should be avoided. By the same token there should be something to suggest UK residence again. Bank account activated, registered with a doctor etc etc.

There might also be questions about assets and what you got for them. People often return to the UK with money from a house sale, for example. It can be a problem if it appears there was quite a bit of money and it's suddenly gone.