Sherro

You need an exit strategy, the rot has well and truly set in and the only thing that seems to be keeping you alive and not to the point of total despair is the very materialistic lifestyle option you so despise (i.e job, house etc) in others around you.

I understand the love for animals, i shipped 2 back to the UK, they are young and had them since kittens, but 9, forget it, no way, too expensive by a long road and a logistical challenge, most places here will allow you a cat, but you need to change your lifestyle, 9 is too much, just get a couple.

if I were in your shoes i'd be thinking

1. I still have 10-12 years of work ahead of me and in your field picking up work will be possible, you'll need to get a pension plan as soon as you can and put a few pounds away.
2. From what I can gather you would walk away from your marriage tomorrow however the legal issues and everything else including debt is probably the only thing keeping you from making that move.
3. your totally miserable anyway, what's to lose.


heres what i'd do.

First of all i would work out a way to make sure i have enough money to last me a couple of months in the Uk, to rent a modest flat, give me time to find work, even temp work in the short term and eat and put a deposit down on a place to rent or even (and this might take a bit of strength of charactor) House share for 2-3 months so all you pay is rent and no commitment. Plenty of people feeling credit crunch here will be more than happy to rent a room out short term for a bit of extra fuel money.

Then id go to my local bar, get a double shot of your favourite spirit, take a deep breath, go home, tell your husband you are leaving and go from there.

Once you have done that, go one www.thecatsite.com/forum and any other cat sites and forums, explain your situation in brief and ask fellow cat lovers to dig deep and help out by taking one here and there.

Book your ticket in advance and start making plans to come back.

when you get back, once you have settled, if you are in an environment where its hard to meet someone go onto a website like www.uk.match.com and find love and companionship and deserved security later on in life with someone else.
Chances are, if your daughters have been at you for ages and you haven't budged this is going to take a huge amount of strength of charactor to do it, but reading your post, only one way to go in my mind.

of course it is only my opinion and many people wouldn't be as cavalier but life is short, don't spend the next 10 years feeling like half yours was a waste.

and finally don't expect miracles in the first 6-12 months, and don't move somewhere completely foreign and cut off.

good luck.


dan

HighSpeedGrandma

Oh my God, I am almost in tears here at the wonderful support from you all. You have no idea, then again, I am sure you do, how much just being able to be completely honest about one's feelings helps. And to receive honest, unbiased opinions back. I feel better just knowing there ARE others like me, who feel isolated and ....well, just not home.

Many of you have echoed what has been going through my mind. Some of you have come up with ideas I had not thought of regarding the cats. But call me paranoid, I can't help it, I have read stories of people taking 'free animals' on the pretence they are animal lovers, only to be from labs etc and they use your pet as an experimental object, under the lines of, well, it wasn't wanted anyway, so no big deal. I just can't help but worry they would fall into the wrong hands.

On the other hand, I do know that to just pack up and go is extreme but it is one solution.
Another thing I have not mentioned to anyone here (I mean in my life) is that my husband is pretty much an alcoholic. He just drinks to the point of slurring his words and I hate it. He is never mean or abusive, he really is a lovely guy, loves animals, loves people, is friendly, helpful, would help anyone, but he just has this frigging drink issue. His mum knows and she has thanked me on so many occasions for 'saving him'. I don't think she has any idea he still drinks beer to the extent he does).
Now, I have told him that I HATE that side of him and I do. But I feel like I married him for better or worse and to just walk away is totally, I don't know, just wrong.
I hate what he's done to our marriage. I have no respect for that side of him. He knows but is in denial. I am terrified of my elder years. I am the one that started a pension plan because he just doesn't care about the future, or it doesn't seem to worry him like it does me. I have told him "You are NOT living off my hard earned pension" but whether he completely worries about that I don't know. Yeah I do, he doesn't worry about it. He sure is the live now, to hell with the future type.
My God, I can't believe I got myself into another situation. I am not a weak person. I got a divorce from husband who took everything, well, I stayed here to get us a green card so that he could join me when he got out of the marines, and all the time he was seeing a woman he met over here during his 2.5 year appointment. I KNEW he was, but couldn't prove it.
He forged my name, sold our home, moved without telling me he'd moved, all while I was here being sponsored for a green card and just as I got my card the girlfriend is moving there for visits and I realise I have nothing to go back to and lI decided I may as well stay here in my apartment, at least I had a job and a life.
At the time I was to angry and humiliated to go back to the UK and fight for what was mine. Plus I couldn't bear the thoughts of being back there with the friends I had left a couple of years prior, and he would have been living in our house and I would have been God knows where... So I left him with everything when he made it apparent he wasn't on the same path for our future as he had led me to believe he was. Now he has 4 houses in the UK and the US, boats, cars, and makes no bones about telling me how much he has. And again I am back at square one. And the new wife has everything I worked for....
I should have done what I wanted at the age of 24, but I didn't. (This is turning into a therapy session...) I want to do what I want to do, but why can't I? Because my conscience would not be worth the way I would feel if I abandoned Charlie and the cats just to get what I want.
The alternative is to stay here, live out my life resenting it every time I come home and Charlie is slurring and weaving again, (I used to dread my first husband coming home, now I am beginning to resent coming home when the 2nd one is incoherent, and I do not want to spend the remainder of my years resenting someone, I am sick and tired of it).
Like I said, well, I may have said, but I definitely know, IF I just went back now I know I would be able to stay with a daughter till I got a job. It would be so much easier on my own. But I am afraid no one would hire me at my age. I am the type who hates to be beholden to anyone, even my family and I would just die if I got back there and couldn't get a job, or I hated it back there after I had left everything I have worked so hard for in the last few years.
I am saving money, our bank accounts are in separate names. I have my money, he has his and we split the bills. I learned that from losing everything the first time. Now everyone tells me I am responsible for all his debt and that pisses me off. I have worked hard to pay off everything, except the house of course, and I just always seem to end up going backwards instead of forwards.
I know I got myself into this. I only have me to blame and I am the only one who can change it. BUT it's my LIFE and fear of the unknown is one my major problems.
I am so sorry...for putting this on you. But as I type it's like I am just writing stuff down. If anyone DOES take the time to read this borefest, THANK YOU.
I AM definitely going to look into some of those pet adoption websites, that is a good idea. I realistically KNOW the cats would be fine as long as they are fed and watered and loved. I have to do something. I am 53 in September and time is running away.
Oh and to the person who said stay and get some of the debt paid of and the savings built up, that is EXACTLY what I am doing, but I am just getting to the point where I don't trust Charlie and if spend another 10 years building equity that doesn't materialize I would kill him.
Then again, I wouldn't have to worry about housing! I would get a nice room with a tv, could play games, get an education, read newspapers, have people send letters and stuff, when I was in jail! Woohooo...hadn't thought of that.
Where's the arsenic.....
On a more serious note, does anyone know legally what would happen if I did just catch a plane and left the house and Charlie with that 2nd mortgage, seeing as it's in both our names?
The only real things keeping me here are the cats and the debt. NOTHING MUCH!!!:curse:.....

HighSpeedGrandma

Hello. I am so sorry about the loss of your cat. To lose a beloved pet is as bad as losing a member of the family. I don't wish to offend anyone by saying that, but I lost my mum, friends and beloved animals, and the grieving process is extremely hard in all circumstances. I still desperately miss my boxer dog Beauty who died when I was just 17.
To all who have posted here that have lost pets, or anyone else, I am sorry. I know death is a part of life, but it doesn't lessen the pain.
I have posted a picture of Gaia on the gallery if anyone is interested to see her. I will try and get pics of the others in case you want to see them. Then you will see why I am so torn.....

TruBrit

tks...have sent you a PM aka Private Message

TaraC

I don't know if this will help for the cats, but Siamese Rescue is based in Virginia (Locust Grove, I think). They're a no-kill foster/adoption group with chapters all over the US. They will only take Siamese (it's where I got my last baby), but I'm sure they would have contacts with other no-kill foster groups in Virginia - and if your domestics have any Siamese in them at all, they may help foster them. It might be worth a phone call or a visit if you're close enough. They're on the web under siameserescue.org (I think - you may want to google it).

I do feel for you with your situation. I was in the States for 20+ years and finally made it back to the UK this year. A big part of my staying so long was the old quarantine laws, as I couldn't bear to put my cats in a cage for six months. Now they're back here, all fat and happy, along with their mother, who is also getting fat and happy on sausage sandwiches and chocolate digestives!

I hope this helps and that you somehow manage to resolve everything. Good luck.

HighSpeedGrandma

Hi TaraC,
actually one of our cats IS Siamese. I am going to the website right now. It is good to hear of others who have been in the States as long or longer than I have and returned home and are happy.
I so miss crusty bread, fish and chips, English language being spoken instead of what I call "Americanese". English people, buses, the smell of England, oh gawd, chocolate diggies....Marks and Spencers, ( I used to work there once, many moons ago...), oh and English magazines and newspapers and Coronation Street, and a million other silly things....

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate America or American people, but the longer I am here the more it hits home that it will NEVER be my real HOME.

TaraC

Please let me know how you get on with Siamese Rescue. I think they're an amazing organisation and incredibly well run with good people who really work with you to make sure their cats get good homes.

Being home is lovely. Like you, I don't hate America or Americans (I'm married to one and love him to bits). It's just that England is home, even with what has turned into c**p weather this week. Still, good excuse to sit home on a Saturday afternoon watching Chariots of Fire on BBC with a cup of tea and those chocolate biscuits!

JCSUPERMOTO

Hey up!!
Dont really post on here just browse

What you are forgeting is that people work all there lifes scrimping and saving for that "retirement age" but in truth half of the population dont make it!!

Dont put up with a husband who is a alki who has got you into terrible debt,why risk the next 10 years of your life waiting too find out what happens?

Put the cats in a home as such and leave his sorry ass and live "your" life for gods sake woman!!

Sorry abou tthe rant but lifes to short,so start acting upon it and just do it

Elvira

IMO you need to focus on what you would want to do if your husband and the cats were out of the picture.

Once you have sorted that in your own mind, and made a realistic assessment of the options you have to achieve what you want, the rest will fall into place.

At the moment, your mind is in a fog because you keep thinking of him and them, and this is stopping you from becoming what you want to be and living where you would be more content.

Bevm

Is there any reason you can't leave your husband immediately? You have a job and separate accounts. He's clearly useless to you, so that might be the easy first step.

Find homes for the cats and then leave. (To be honest, your worries about people abusing the cats sound like an excuse not to do it. Sure it can happen, but you nee to find them homes and move on. From what you're saying, you have no choice. You have to do this.)

There'll be challenges in moving back, but you'll find some sort of place to live in the UK, and you say you're willing to do any kind of work. It'll be okay and it'll keep getting better.

Just develop the toughness not to take in lots of rescue cats in the future! You can't give homes to all of them, so make a rule. Two cats max, at any time, but I think you shouldn't have any for a while.

And I'd swear off men for a couple of years at least. You don't need more trouble.

You're strong, you're brave, you have a wealth of experience. You can live completely on your own and have a fabulous time being free, free, free. Go for it!

Bev

HighSpeedGrandma

Hah...That I can assure you is an absolute. I have never had one take care of me, I have always been the one taking care of. I am tired of it. As I said, it would be a LOT easier if I were on my own.
No, the cat's aren't what I would call an excuse, but they are a REASON. I can't just dump them. And finding good homes is not easy. I did find homes for 7 others, but there are still 9 more.
Please try to understand the reason I am so mistrustful and doubt people's intentions towards cats. One of my cats, in fact the very first one I found under a bush one winter got out a few years ago. I found him a day later. Someone had got hold of him, rammed a stick up into his backside and yanked it out. If you had seen this poor cat when I found him...only a heartless person would not have been upset.
He almost died, it cost us over $2000.00 in vet bills and extreme anxiety just knowing someone in our neighbourhood could do that. The vet said someone had actually punctured his bowel at least 3 times as they rammed some kind of sharp object, that appeared to be a stick into him and yanked it out again. It's pure luck and love that kept him alive. Black cats are not liked in a lot of places and this was near to Halloween. I think both those factors played into the abuse he received.
To just give him up now would be awful. For me. He would be fine. And if the right person would take him I would give him up.

Lesson learned too in the amount of cats we have. I never set out to have any more than one pet, but I stupidly decided to volunteer at the SPCA and my heart just got torn to bits. I just absolutely could not leave these cats. They were all either dumped, abused, or neglected and tortured in some way and no one wanted them. I have one with 3 paws, the owners were going to just dump her when we found them at quite by chance when shopping for cat litter for another cat we had rescued.
How can I live my life in clear conscience if I don't do right by the responsibility I took on...
Trust me I am continuing with my endeavour to find places for them, and as bad as it sounds I know I can survive on my own, very well, I am fine with my own company, always have been, always will.

Charlie is not a bad person. Just not right for me any more I think.
I KNOW what I NEED to do, doing it is my problem.....SIGH....

Emma M

Sorry to hear about your problems. I think you need to contact some animal charities and explain your situation. Make up your mind to go back if that's what you want. Once you have decided that it is for definite, you are going, the rest will fall into place.
You sound like the kind of person who needs to feel needed. Maybe your cats replace the emotional comfort your husband should be giving you. I believe they are your excuse for staying, because without them you have no reason and could actually be confronted with the unknown again.
Live your life for yourself, no one else.
Don't put up with it anymore and certainly don't feel sorry for him just because his mother thanks you for saving him. He's far from saved if he's an alkie, he needs help and only he can get that for himself. All he's done is get you into a load of debt and trapped your here longer than you wanted to be here for.
I've been married twice too, and I tell you what, nothing ****s up your life like a man can.

Elvira

Look, if you are serous about wanting to turn your life around, you HAVE to stop focusing on the cats.

I am an animal lover myself and virtually all the cats and dogs I've ever owned were rescue pets. So believe me I empathise with how you feel.

BUT.......... you cannot put your life on hold while you put all your energy into looking after homeless cats.

Sorry to be blunt - I do not want to upset you........... but you have 30-40 years ahead of you. The decisions you now make will determine the quality of life you'll enjoy during those years.

You are at a critical age - at this moment in time you can still start afresh somewhere else, but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it is going to get.

I wish you all the best

auntie_wolf

I debated sendinh you a pm or posting this here, but I thought of all the ppl who lurk on these boards and thought maybe someone else reading this might have the same problem.

You husband is an alcoholic. No matter what his mother says, you cannot save him. I am sure he is a very nice fellow when he is sober. Many alcoholics are. They are not "evil".

Have you ever considered Alanon? It is totally free and confidetial. You don't even have to give your name if you don't want to. It is for families/friends of alcoholics.

I have alcoholism in my family and I went to Alanon for awhile. It taught me and helped me to live my life in a healthy way. I won't go into all the details but it really does help. Some ppl are put off by their talk of a higher power, but nobody tells you what that power has to be for you.

I know I said this before, but you are really quite young to feel so stuck and to be considering just giving up on the rest of your life! Someelse said it...

you could be free, free, free!

JCSUPERMOTO

Bejesus missus,stop going on about the cats and sort yourself out!!