HighSpeedGrandma

Hello to anyone who is kind enough to read this. I found this website completely by chance, I had no idea it even existed. I am so happy I have found people who feel like I feel, it is such a relief.
This may turn into a long thread so I apologize in advance if it does. Once I start it may all come pouring out.
I am a Brit who has been living in the US since 1990. I was 34 when I came over here, due to my husbands job. It was meant to be a 2.5 year appointment. Without going into details and boring the crap out of you, he ended up going back after 2 years and I got stuck here. Well, not stuck but that's how it feels.
For the past 7 years I have been very very homesick. Each year that passes seems to be harder to make a definite decision to move back. The reasons being, I am now married to an American. He has got us into a lot of debt. We had to take out a 2nd mortgage on the house which I am extremely peed off about as it has wiped out any equity it had taken years to acquire.
If we sold the house in today's market we would lose out, so basically there is absolutely no money to move back home with. No job, nowhere to live and the fear of NOT getting a job or somewhere to live is such a daunting prospect at the grand old age of 52. (How the hell did I get to be this old anyway), the last time I looked I was only 25.
Anyway, my husband SAYS he will move back with me, but trust me, I know him well, he has palpitations if he has to travel out of Virginia for longer than a day.
I am desperately homesick. America has lost any charm it once had. I don't want to die in America. I never appreciated England in the 34 years I lived there. But living somewhere else for 18 years makes you appreciate who and what you really are.
I cannot stand the health insurance issues here, or the materialism of most people. The narrow mindedness, the insular mindset if you will, of America being the greatest country in the world. Which is stated by a person who has never left America, not even left the state they were born in half the time.
I just don't know where to start. IF it were just myself I would fly back tomorrow and just do what I could. BUT I have the huge debts, 9 rescue cats that I adore and who are a huge part of my life, a good husband, albeit not with money, a relatively good job and way of life and to just walk away from it all again (this would be the 3rd time of starting my life over again and I am tired of it), is terrifying and daunting and off putting. But as I get older I have less time.
Who would hire me? Who would hire my husband. I don't have any degrees. I work in payroll, but it's nothing like payroll systems in the UK.
I don't know what to do or where to start.
I do have 2 daughters, one of whom has been asking me to move back for years. But she has her own life and I cannot live with her as she does not have any room, and besides, we have had enough of each other after a 1 week visit, let alone a few months stay.


Reading back through this it seems I have not really mentioned hubby much, or I have stated I instead of we.
I have told him this, if he does not continue to pay his portion of the large debt he has accrued I would consider just leaving everything behind.
It sounds extremely selfish I know. But my first husband got absolutely everything at the end of our marriage. He forged my signature to sell our house and move to a bigger one. I didn't see a penny of anything.
I did not report him because my daughters were living in the home and it would have meant them having to move again.
Basically what I am saying is, I had absolutely nothing when I started my life alone here and it was difficult then. To do it again being 18 years older just scares me so much.
I honestly don't think my husband is going to stick to his word. It's his fault in a way it has been delayed this long. The plan was to acquire equity, sell everything off, then go home. He knew this, yet he ran up debt without my knowledge knowing it was going take years to pay off. Hell, he actually didn't even think about how it was going to be paid off.
If I didn't control the finances we would have nothing. I am tired of husbands taking all my money!!
Oh gawd. It has turned into a venting post. Sorry.
OK. Nutshell. Should I leave everything and go back alone?
Should I give it another few years to see if we get some equity back in the house?
Should I just suck it up and carry on with the not awful life we have here?
What would you do?
Any questions you have I don't mind answering. I just wanna listen to some unbiased opinions.
Thanks so much for reading my diatribe....

Elvira

I feel for you. I too would not want to grow old in the US. I live in California, but have spent considerable time in VA and can imagine how alien you feel there - even after all this time.

Moving back will not be easy - only you can decide whether this is a fight worth fighting:

- are you willing to go back alone, without your husband? (the positive side being that you would also be leaving his debts behind)
- can you accept that you would have to give up your cats?
- how do you feel about starting again, most probably working a job that pays very little?
- you won't qualify for council accommodation, so you might have to find a flat-share, or something arranged through Shelter.

Where would you be moving back to - do you have family who could help?

Sorry - I feel my reply is rather inadequate - but I wish you all the best!

PS: I assume you have naturali*z*ed...

onepearlyb

Well,

There always seems to be jobs going in UK Payroll, what about sending out some letters and getting a good CV made up. Explain in a cover letter that you are returning to the Uk ( give them a date even if it's not definate ) and you have X ammount of years of payroll experience. Just see if there's any interest out there first. It might give you a boost if you get some positive replies.
Re the cats! Well, they were rescue cats to begin with - perhaps theres people in the US who would love to have them especially when you've looked after them. There will also be lots of rescue cats in the Uk looking for someone like you to come and get them! ;o)
Would you move back for a trial period on your own?
Can you or hubbie sell the house your in and downsize to something smaller and cheaper - OR RENT?
What about speaking to a debt adviser.
I'm sure your daughters could help you get set up back in the Uk and organise a rental to move back to. You could easily use public transport until you got a car again. You will be amazed how accessabile the NHS is and realise how much people take it for granted!

I know it's not much but hopefully a start.
Best not waste any more time if you really feel you want to return.

*pearly*

HighSpeedGrandma

Thanks for the reply.
Yes I know the cats would have to go. I already downsized from 16 to 9. In 2 years I have not been able to find homes for the remainder. They had such awful lives too, so I can't return them to the SPCA where I volunteered. I know they would be euthanized.
No one wants cats. In my experience.
I actually found a women a year or so ago who was willing to rent our house and take care of the cats, and I was so excited. But my husband didn't like her, made excuses. I realise that he will always make excuses.
I don't object to going back alone.
One of my daughters has pretty much said I should leave him and the house and just go back.
But, I suppose I am letting fear get in the way. I have a nice home, job etc and a husband.
If I go back I have no home, no job, no husband. I know I can fix all of that.
I don't care what work I do. I'd be happy working the check out at Tesco's. Or working in a chippie. I don't care.
I suppose the main reason I am not leaving right now (and I have never actually written this down or talked about it truthfully) is I feel responsible for the lives of the cats. Charlie would be fine. He was fine before he met me, and he could take care of himself without me.
But I can't be responsible for returning these poor animals to whence they came!
Silly I know...but what can I say...I feel RESPONSIBLE for them.
Know anyone who would like 2 completely loving, adorable persian cats and 7 domestic cats of various ages, sexes and attitudes?!! LOL.
It's a bit daft when I am more concerned about leaving the cats than I am my husband.
I don't care if I live in one room. I don't care what work I do. My daughters would help out. It would be easy but for 2 things! Charlie and the cats....

Elvira

Sweetheart - I know *exactly* how you feel.

My own sweet dog died 4 weeks ago tomorrow. Long story - posted elsewhere if you are interested.

Urged on by my DH, I started looking at websites that listed pets up for adoption. I found scores of dogs and cats in shelters that do not have a "no kill" policy. I found it very difficult to look at all those pictures of dogs and cats looking for a home.

At one point, I thought I had found a dog who would be *right* for us. But, on talking to the manager of the shelter where she was housed, it became clear that she was not. And he also told me that this dog was next on the list to be euthanised.

I found this very hard to accept. And I still think of this dog every day. But this is the reality of abandoned pets. We cannot rescue them all.

You have done what you can. You have given a home to these abandoned pets. I am convinced that you will do your utmost to find good homes to the cats you rescued. But if some fail to find homes................. what can I say......... but do not base your life-changing decisions on the fate of these cats. You have done what you can - at some point, you *must* also think of yourself!

HighSpeedGrandma

Onepearlyb and Elvira...Thank you for your words.
This entire website is a huge help and loaded with information. I have a LOT I need to find out.
Elvira, you are so right. We can't rescue all of the animals. I realise it, although it is frustrating.
I tried getting a no kill shelter to take them but they wanted $1000.00 per cat. I just don't have that kind of money to spare.

Onepearlyb, yeah I talked to Charlie about a debt consolidator but he's not interested. I have to do everything like that. He runs around with his head up his bum half the time and thinks things will sort themselves out. I only found out about the debt he'd accrued when I went to refinance this house to see how much equity we had in it.
I wanted to sell it and get out. Imagine my shock when I learned how much credit card debt he had run up.
Elvira, you really are right I know. I can only do so much and the cats have had a much better life than they would have.
I will continue to try and find homes for them. Perhaps I can sell Charlie on Ebay...you can sell anything there. ; )

Elvira

Whatever you do............ FORGET about debt consolidators!

That's probably the absolute worst way to go.

If you want to know the ins and outs of hoe to get out of debt, check out the "Dealing with Debt" board at the Motley Fool - tons of useful advice there!

www.fool.co.uk

SarahInTX

Is there a "foster" organization where you are. Since you're not moving yet, you could continue to foster the cats (they wouldn't have to go back to the shelter) and find good homes for them that way. Here in the Houston area, while there are still way too many cats that end up in shelters, people are twice as likely to adopt a cat as a dog.

I know exactly how you feel -- but I've been fostering dogs rather than cats. I was down to three fosters (in addition to the two that are mine and are going back to the UK with me) that I thought would never find homes for. One got adopted and one found a fabulous new foster home. I still have one foster dog left, and while I know the organization I volunteer with will do right by her, I still worry about her.

By the way, I'm 53 and I'm going back in a couple of weeks. I've lived here 30 years. It's scary (I posted on here a few days ago about having the collywobbles!) but life will pass us by before we know it if we don't take the bull by the horns and just do it.

Good luck.

Sarah

HighSpeedGrandma

What we did was take out the 2nd mortgage loan. Paid off the high interest rate credit cards and have one fixed payment a month for the loan.
Thing is, of course, that 2nd mortgage means that when we refinance, which has to be done next year we now have the original loan and this 2nd one to add to it.
I HATE owing money. And because we are married it's our debt, not his. Hence me feeling slightly less guilty about the possibility of leaving him than I should.
Just knowing there are lots of people out there though feeling as homesick and disheartened as I am makes me feel like I am not so alone, and stuck.
I WILL get back. I have told him, with our without him, I will go back.
All I have to do now is follow my own advice.

TruBrit

hi, i know how you feel about your cats. i had two persians until a couple of weeks ago when one sadly passed away aged 12 and i'm still broken hearted...their photos are in the gallery. so i'll now just be taking one back to the uk next year. we have a house back in the uk and believe it or not i could spend more time there than here which i'd much prefer to do but i return mainly for the cats i am of the ilk that a pet is for life and not just to dump for whatever reason (and i'm not saying for one minute that you are like that, far from it by the sounds of things)..... the cats are lucky to have found you and i'm sure you'll do your very best, wish i could help...all the very best

HighSpeedGrandma

I have looked into so many organizations, requested the help of everyone I know and advertised and put posters up but was still only able to get from 16 down to 9.
The local SPCA would have to take them if I took them there, but I just CAN'T do that to them. My conscience would not let me live in peace for the rest of my life. To sacrifice their lives just so that I get what I want is wrong.
(As I type I have Gaia, my 6lb persian laying on my lap. Mr. Boo the other persian is watching me on the back of the sofa).
I don't have a problem with giving them to other people, I just have run out of people to try and give them to.
Virginia is not one of the better states for animal care. I think this is one of he only states that doesn't have an Animal Cops type thing.
The so called 'Humane Investigator" at the shelter where I volunteered cared more about her hair than the animals. That is the shelter I would have to return them to.
But yes, life is passing by. In fact it's not just passing, it's turbo charged and is going faster than I drive, which is saying something....kidding..well, maybe.
I think next time I go back to England for a visit, I am just going to do what always want to do, just stay there and not come back. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
I'd have a suitcase full of clothes. Don't need much else.
All joking aside though, the longer you stay here, the harder it is to return. My eldest daughter (who is exactly like her dad, practical, to the point and pretty much selfish) tell's me I won't get a mortgage at my age and I would hate it back there.
But I will be HOME and that is where I want to be. I just don't FIT IN here. I work with Americans, I live with Americans, my whole life is America, but I am BRITISH and need to be back there.
It's like I have 'evil Sue' on one shoulder saying "Sod it Sue. Just think of yourself for a change. You aren't getting younger and it's going to be so much harder to go back later. Just GO". But then there's the other Sue, who is saying 'But you can't leave Charlie and the cats and everything you have worked another 18 years to acquire again.
It is SO hard starting from scratch. So I suppose I am scared of leaving the devil I know, for the devil only knows.

HighSpeedGrandma

EXACTLY! I feel like I would be just throwing them away just to please me and I can't. When I took them I took them to give them a life. I can't just be responsible for them losing their lives.
I could give them to someone who cares, but my sister in law is useless, she has at the last count 36 cats roaming around, unfixed and breeding more cats, and everyone who I know likes cats already has a few each.

That's the thing, I have had people say "they are just cats, what's the big deal?". BUT they are living, sentient beings. Not just something to be got rid of when I have had enough, or want to do something else.
God I sound like a tree hugger.
Actually I love trees too.
Dammit....if anyone would like to donate a couple of million so that I can smuggle the cats back to England????? All offers for smuggling or donations gratefully accepted. Oh and if we can live in your garden shed too? .....

auntie_wolf

Have you thought of placing a "free kitty to a good home" ad on Craigs list? I would just explain the situation...moving overseas...don't want to return to shelter b/c of fear of euthanasia. I would make sure sure to keep reposting so that it will stay nearer the top of the page.

Also, posting on a city page where there is a college or university might be a good idea. I know lots of students who prefer cats to dods b/c they are easier to take care of.

Best of luck to you with your situation. I agree with the other posters who say it is time to put yourself first. You are really too young to just call it a day!

rabsody

High Speed Grandma - I would be thinking about number one and not worrying too much about the husband. He sounds like he has lied to you quiet a bit, taken you waaay back financially and then has the audacity to say he didn't like the woman who could rent your place and look after your cats when you were coming closer to a solution to your situation.

Sorry to be blunt but I think you should dump him with a capital D.

ps - love your user name! :-)

backagen

Sometimes in these difficult situations it helps to explore every possible scenario, and what the likely consequences would be if you pursued each option.

When doing this, really try to think of EVERY possible option, including some you might not have previously considered.

Look at all the 'grey' areas, not just the black and white, in other words.

For example (and it is only an example) maybe one option you could CONSIDER is staying put until you are ready to retire, and in the meantime you would have more than ample time to work towards hopefully being in a better financial situation by the time you do retire to the UK. It would also mean no need to worry about looking for a job there when you do go, and give you loads of time to work out all the issues with your husband too.

If you're really DESPERATELY homesick then that particular option is probably not the right one, but it's just an example of another possible scenario you might not have thought of.

I would also say though, that if you really are absolutely desperate to go home, then you might need to accept that doing so will have to come at a cost (maybe having to leave behind your husband and cats) and will be very difficult, but if you really are that desperately homesick, then it's probably still the right thing to do, and you need to try to find the strength within yourself to just do it, despite the difficulties involved.

If nothing else I hope that this forum helps you, by letting you know that you're not the only one who has emigrated and is now feeling 'stuck' in a foreign country.