Hello All,

I have decided that I shall be moving back with my two children next summer '04 with or without my husband. We have not been seeing eye to eye now for over a year.
I moved with him to the States almost 7 years ago and did make the effort to assimilate i.e. went to college and obtained 2 bachelor degrees while taking care of his 3 young sons from his previous marriage and having 2 children together, gatherings with his family and relocating to Minnesota after he left the military.
The job market is not great right now and he won't make the effort to find a better job or gain additional training and education. It makes me really upset that he expects me to be O.K. with living in the mid-west while he refuses to make any effort to improve himself. By the way i am working part-time in mortagage sales while trying to find a good full-time position.
I miss the U.K. and want my children ages 4 and 2 to grow up there, have better education and not always have to worry about medical bills.
If we do split which is highly likley I should have enough from my share for a decent downpayment. What does everyone think - do you think it will be harder for me being a single parent moving back to the U.K. I do have family and friends that can provide help and support. i have bachelor degrees in Computer/Management Information Systems and Management plus several O Levels and a couple of A Levels.

Any input, advice, comments would be helpful and appreciated.

Hello Bromleygirl,
Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. I feel a bit uneasy commenting about some-elses marriage, and don't have any experience to offer as a single parent, but here goes.

I can totally sympaphise with you about wanting to raise your kids in the UK. Like you I'm married to a person from another country (canadian in my case), and whilst at the moment we're in canada my wife has known that I've wanted to move back to blighty (probably in a couple of years)
I hope this doesn't come across as condescending, but how much have you talked about it with your husband? You would hope that if he fully appreciates how you feel then he would try and accomodate your wishes. I'm sure you've talked about it, but does he realise how much you want to move back?
As for some of the other issues...well I suspect that you would find it a bit easier to get employment in the UK, for a couple of reasons. First as you are probably experiencing, the job market in the US is very flat right now (I was reading a newspaper article saying the US economy has lost over two million jobs over the last couple of years). Employment levels in the UK remain solid for now, but by next summer who knows what the situation will be. Second, having been through the british education system, employers might have a somewhat better idea about your qualifications etc.
If you were to split up....well lots of single parents do raise kids on their own, and you don't need me to tell you that, but I would think that moving to another country (which is a big step anyway) whilst possibly going through the trauma of splitting from your husband and trying to raise your kids...as I said moving is a big step anyway, and then there would be these other issues to work through. Sorry I hope that isn't too negative, just trying to say that it would be a major change in your life (I suppose thats stating the bleeding obvious). All I can really suggest is that you sit down with your husband and impress upon him how you feel, and beyond that you have to decide what it is you truly want from your life. If that involves coming back to the Uk with your kids then yes I think it can be done if you really want it to happen...but its a big big step. Sorry I can't say anything more specific, but as I said I feel a bit uncomfortable commenting much on some-one elses marriage.
Hope everything works out for you, and you figure out where it is you're going! Best of luck
Andrew

It is very difficult to offer any advice, as everyone`s circumstances are different.

Perhaps it would be less unsettling for your children if you do actually split up at the same time as moving back? that way the children would only have one time of major upheaval, as opposed to two separate traumas if you were to a) split up and move back later or b) move back together and then split up later over there.

Don`t underestimate the stress you will be under from the move alone - if your relationship has already hit rock bottom, it is unlikely to improve it!!!

Have you got any family who can support you (emotionally I mean, rather than financially) through this horrendous time?

At least your children are very young at the moment - hubbie and I had a major argument a few weeks back, and both mine wanted to know when we were getting divorced.

I`m sorry I can`t be more helpful, but really feel for you going through this. If you need any "anonymous support" feel free to PM my anytime.

Chin up - things will get better, one way or another, eventually!!!

I do have family and friends that can provide help and support. i have bachelor degrees in Computer/Management Information Systems and Management plus several O Levels and a couple of A Levels.



Woops, sorry Bromleygirl, I didn`t read this bit properly - so ignore the bit in my previous post about family support.

Hang on in there Bromleygirl! Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. Hope everything works out for you Use your family and friends as support, figure out whats important to you, and you'll pull through.
Good luck

There could be another problem unfortunately.

If a couple get divorced the court can take an unsympathetic point of view regarding the party with whom the children are resident moving too far away from the non-custodial parent

I have a Canadian friend who divorced from her American husband last year. She is not even allowed to take the children out of the county without either the permission of her husband or the court. She would dearly love to return to Canada where she would have the support of her family.

In that case, if I were in Bromleygirl`s shoes, and knew for certain that the marriage was irretrievable, I`d get out of the country first, then when back in UK sort things out from there. Possession is 9/10ths of the law in the UK!!!

The US court would have jurisdiction for at least 6 months. The UK court wouldn't have shot until at least then and even after that the US court could argue against this. Basically the courts go "head to head" over which venue is the most appropriate.

If the children are USC's this could also complicate matters. No parent is supposed to be able to remove children from the jurisdiction of a court in order to gain an advantage over the other parent.

This lady needs to talk to her husband. If she can convince him- even begrudgingly - that her returning to the UK with the children is in their best interests and stay there for 6 months without him kicking up a fuss she has a stronger case. I'm not saying it's not winable if the residence is less than this, just much more of a potential hassle if the children's father decides to contest the move.

Have English friends here, she hates it, he loves it. Shes going back, hes staying. (They were by all accounts happy before the great OZ adventure). She wants the three kids back in the UK, hes wanting them to stay on in OZ. Two kids hate it here, one kids loves it. I have never seen such a awful mess.

Work out first if you can get your kids back to the UK. Then look at practical issues like work as a single parent. Back up care for kids if younger, it may mean moving close to family who can help out. Take one issue at a time, or it all seems too much.

Really wish you good luck with it.

bloody yanks!!! Seriously though, I bow to your greater knowledge Lairdside. Hope Bromleygirl can sort this one out.

I do too Rosy. Best of Luck Bromleygirl

I know a little about this stuff - not a lot - as the result of having spent over a year in an International Custody battle

Custody issues aside, it's quite likely that even if working full time, you would get 'tax credits' towards child raising and childcare back in the UK. Don't know if you get that in the US, but if not, you'd probably be better off financially as a single parent in the UK.
Maybe you could work something out together like he has the kids during the holidays? Most good fathers would realise surely that little kids need their mum. When the kids are older they can decide where they wanna live.

Thanks everyone for all your input and thoughts.

We moved here in '96 and straight away I told my husband that I wanted to move back at some point to England. First of all we tried for a transfer back but it didn't happen so we decided to do it after he retired from the military. However with his 3 sons from his previous marriage living with us and then having our 2 together we decided that trying to find a house in the U.K. to accomodate all of us would be difficult. Also when he was retiring my daughter was only 2 and a half and my son 3 months old and I knew if we moved back to England then I would need to be the one to go out to work as it would be easier for me to find employment in the U.K. Anyway after we moved to Minnesota I ended up working full-time while he was trying to find a job which is really ironic.

Ever since we moved to Minnesota I've explained to him that life outside of the military living in the U.S. is'nt all that it's cracked up to be i.e. wages might pay a little more but when you take into account paying for healthcare coverage, deductabiles and co-pays it's about the same, education standards are lower and employers do not give you as much time off.

He is well aware of how I feel but refuses to try and face reality of the current economic situation and reassess himself for the job market and seek training for another career. He has also stated that he does'nt think that this should effect our marriage - hmmm maybe that's why this is his 3rd marriage! I've told him that if he wants to put his head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine then he is being ignorant and arrogant. He is almost 9 years older than me - i am 32 and we have been together for 8 years - I do beleive that we are at different points in our lives and whereas I want to keep going and experience new challenges and improve myself he is quite happy just going and coming home from work everyday and that's it.

I actually naturalised back in 2000 and became an American citizen and at that time an older British lady told me then that I had done the right thing just in case anything was to go wrong with my marriage that it would be easier taking the children out of the U.S. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I am glad that I have this. My children have been registered at the embassy making it easier to get their British passports.

I went to England for a month last summer and when I came back things were still the same. I've even tried taking him to counselling but the counsellor gave up with us after the second session - and you have to pay for marriage counselling over here too! It's not free like the U.K. We have spoken about the option of divorce and he has stated that he does'nt mind me taking the children to live in England. I am the point where I really don't know what else to do but I am determined not to let my children grow up in the enviroment in which I did i.e. parents who fought for years but stayed together "for the sake of the children".

I have heard that the U.K. government has a scheme for single parents that if they work part-time the government will make up the wages to a full-time wage -has anyone heard about this?

I will have a decent downpayment to go back with for a house and am hoping find a position which is flexable enough so i can ensure that my children are safe and being taken care of.

It will be nice to get back to the NHS and my children will also still be covered by the U.S. government military insurance.

If anyone can think of any other benefits or programmes that i would be entitled to please let me know or any web sites that I can locate information.

Thanks again everyone for your support.


as a friend told me "life is too short"

Bromleygirl; I do feel for you and you have been a saint raising three step-children as well as two of your own. It's no mean feat and I applaud you for continuing with your studies whilst caring for a large family. I think you are more than capable of managing as a single parent as you seem to be very self-reliant and independent.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but was there a huge custody battle with the step-children ie. did your husband fight to keep them or was there an amicable agreement between your husband and his ex? It might be a pointer to how things might develop when you make a firm plan to return to the UK.

Here's an excellent website where you can get practical information: its the website of the 'Femail' section of Britain's "Daily Mail" newspaper. It also has some excellent message boards for advice & support on the "Sex and Relationships" forum; 'divorce', 'splitting up', 'let off steam' etc.

There are also boards for parenting, money matters, jobs & careers etc. There is an 'advice bank' and a 'family lawyer' for practical advice from professionals. You can also go to the "search" feature and type in "Children's Tax Credit" where you can find out all about it:

http://www.femail.co.uk (You will need to register).

Hope this helps!

I really feel for you on this one.
Dotty's advice seems pretty sensible. Deal with one issue at a time so you're not worrying about all of all at once. If this is truly what you want to do (ie move back to the UK) and you're sure in your heart, then yes I think you should go for it. Figure out things one step at a time.
Good luck with everything!