its grim up north

my wife has told me she wants to return to the uk as she dislikes nz and she miss;s her family ,im putting on a brave face but im gutted, i had a look at property on the net today and their so poxy ,are kids are settled and we have two new buisness;s that are just picking up ,we have been having some arguements lately ,but i feel she is being selfish ,its a case of like it or lump it and the kids go with her , just needed to get it off my chest

Jammy_Dodgers

Would suggest to her that she goes back for a few weeks first to see how she feels.
Sometimes i miss the UK, but within a few days of being back i cant stand the place.

felt the same about an ex girlfriend...used to miss her like hell...but within a day or two of getting back with her id regret it and be reminded of every reason why i dumped her in the first place..... (thought id get that off my chest )


hope things work out for the best mate.

Linda Maxwell

Why not get your wife on the forum to make some friends, and get things off her chest, if it helps you, it will help her.

mungomidge

Divorce

its grim up north

shes been back recently and thats the trouble ,all her family on her case , and as for friends ,we have a better social life now than at any time i can remember ,her mother is pure poison and will stop at nothing to get her to return

Don

A tough one for you. Hard on you as it might be, I think that once the rational / emotional discussion has taken place and you both 'agree to disagree', your wife holds the aces, ie it's perfectly reasonable to want to go back to the UK if she feels strongly about it and as you say, the kids go with her in nearly all cases of a marital split.

Maybe you could choose a better place to live in the UK, distant from her family and offering locational advantages, which might make a difference to how you feel about going back?

Jammy_Dodgers

If her family miss her that much, why dont THEY make the sacrifice and move out there rather than you give up everything!!?

Honestly speaking though, its a tough one, would not like to be in your situation. I suppose there are a lots of factors to take into consideration.
best of luck 2 you !!

JAJ

If they have established residence in NZ, then any marital split might be determined under NZ law and the children might not be able to leave the country without consent from both parents.

A NZ lawyer dealing in family law would be able to advise further.


Jeremy

dingbat

Whoa.....slow the horses there. Having to live with a court ordered residency is soul destroying. Please...OP...talk to your wife, it's really tough being in a country you dislike when everyone and everything you love is somewhere else. Maybe NZ isn't for her - she has rights to a life too! Does she work? Is she stuck at home? Try and resolve this before your marriage tanks. Been there....not good.

JAJ

That's good advice. The OP and his wife do need to do some serious talking.

I was simply posting in response to someone else that says the wife can automatically take children back to the UK if they split - it might not work that way for real.


Jeremy

looselips

Tough situation.

I agree with some others - you need to talk to her truthfully - no brave faces! If you roll over and move home without saying your piece you will only resent your wife and the arguments will get worse.

What exactly about NZ does she dislike? Is it things you can try and work on if you ask her to give it more time? If it's the distance from her family she may never get over that. I say this because I can relate as the distance is not for everyone. I lived in OZ and my family and I found the thought of not being able to hop on a plane home really unsettling - my compromise was the USA...... result - frequent trips home and frequent visits, everyone happy.

Will she be willing to live somewhere else other than where you lived before? Down south?

Please talk to her and let her know your true feelings. It may not change things but you deserve a say in this regardless of the outcome.

Good luck sunshine.

ANA123

In your wifes defence, homesickness can be very powerful, have you read any of the threads over here about how common it is and the effect it has on people? We're in a similar position, I want to go home, husband doesnt, though thankfully he's being very supportive (but no doubt feels as you do) but its nothing to do with family pressure I just cant settle here.
Did you discuss this possibility before you came, or put any time frame on how long you'd give it?
Hope you find something thats suits you both, good luck,
Michaela

aussie73

Having read alot of threads, why does it always seem its the wife in OZ or NZ that is homesick and wants to return to the UK, while the Husband loves the place, is there an explanation for the difference between the sexes.

honeymommy

Personally I think it's any country.....

Went to the USA... Hubby happy in his new job... Me suddenly a stay at home Mum, which I thought would be wonderful...
Very soon felt lost and alone, no english women to hang out with. Totally different culture and way of life.... Hard to talk to hubby about it, as he was having a great time with his new job, meeting loads of people and learning new skills.....
I became miserable and what my Mum would call a mardieass.... Took it's toll on us... Hubby could'nt see my point of view at all....

Took me 3 years before I actually felt settled..........

I do believe a lot of the reason is that when couples move it's usually the hubby that has the job..... Seen it a lot on here....

I used to get very frustraited that he didn't understand how I felt... He couldn't understand as he was'nt in my head... he could see prospects, sun, sea, sand and a good future.... I saw boredom, isolation and just a lonely existance.......

Even today I don't think he understands how hard it was for me not to jump on a plane all those years ago....

When we did have to come back to the UK, neither of us wanted to... LOL

I would seriously talk it out together... Listen to each other. Perhaps wait for permanant residency or whatever it's called there... Then at least you have choices.....

If she came on here, there's a lot of support from other women who have been through it. I'm sure it would help....

Mercedes

You probably hit the nail on the head. If the woman has had her own career/job and outside friends it suddenly a bit of a shock to be stuck at home with no friends and that takes time also. With old friends they know who you are and you can be yourself, with new people you're still in the aquaintance stage and it takes time to go through that transition. I remember when I first emigrated I was suddenly conscious of having to make friends rather than people just "appearing" in my network. I was stuck at home for a little while and hated it and was much happier when I was working and that doesn't matter where I have been in the world either. I got over the boredom when I wasn't working by doing voluntary work, it made me meet people who were often in much worse position than I was and I enjoyed helping them. The elderely ones who's families had abandoned them, I adopted so had my own little family then and they had me.