Move back...to what??
 

This is just something that's been on my mind for a while now, and it keeps nagging at me, so I thought I'd ask your opinions on things.

I know I miss my family, sometimes it's pretty awful being here and them there.....but I'm starting to see them in a different light somehow. The only ones who ever keep in touch is my Mum and hubby's Mum and Dad. The rest of them.....what phone calls? What e-mails? The brothers and cousins, aunts and uncles.....all very conspicuous by their lack of contact. :rolleyes:

The same goes for all the so called mates who cried so hard when we were leaving and promised to keep in touch and come and see us. Where are they now? We maybe get a very occasional phone call from one or two and the odd e-mail, despite all of their promises to make an effort.

My question is this: after spending so many months missing these people so badly, I'm now questioning what my motives for going home would be? We live a much better life here, our social life far exceeds what we had at home, we are more relaxed and have disposable income (unheard of back home!). My hubby still loves it and our kids are happy. So why the heck should I move my immediate family back to the UK just to be with our parents when basically, no-one else gives a sh*t whether we went home or not!!

Anyone else discovering that maybe you miss people more than they miss you?

Re: Move back...to what??
 

There missing one person that's is more easily replaceable than what you had to do, you were initially, missing a lifetimes worth of friends and family all in one go. I think maybe they accept your not there and are busy in their day to day life.

By the sounds of things you should stay well put, sounds like you have
a great life as it is.

Re: Move back...to what??
 

yep with you 100%. In 18 months my mother has rung once and my sister once (when my Dad died !!) yet I get grief for not calling them. The time difference means I can only call in the mornings at the weekend and we are out and about every Saturday and Sunday enjoying our new life as a family. A few of our oldest friends have visited and have frankly been very painful (very long story), we hear from when they want a holiday in California

However my wife's family are great and call every week but she is at home in the day so it works out

The distance certainly makes you reflect on these relationships, everyone is getting on with their lives without us ! :D

Re: Move back...to what??
 

22 years ago when I first left the UK, it was like I died and went to heaven (in other words, many people behaved like I was dead). I think some people are just not good at writing letters.

These days with the ease of email, cheap phone calls, and MSN Messanger etc., people just have no excuse especially if you are making the effort to contact them (I presume you are?), and also especially if they are close family and friends.

A weird phenomenon I have experienced goes something like this: Email from an old friend or family member I haven't heard from in maybe a year, something like "Hey, Mong! [don't ask ....] how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while! We now have a second kid, blah, blah, are you still working at uni? Stay away from those young girls! blah, blah, hey, stay in touch!"

I usually reply within a day or two, with replies to the questions and further questions back at them .... and get silence. No reply. For another year. Then the same cycle repeats, about every 6-18 months. Never really understood it.

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Some good points and you're not alone in feeling like this.
You get a different view of things when you step away and come to realise what is important in your life and who your real friends are.
I wouldn't tar all our mates with the same brush just because they don't contact us. Some were never any good at it when we lived a few miles away.
But we do notice the difference between those who are interested and those who couldn't give a damn that the only contact is a Christmas card.

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Totally agree with the replies...thanks.

I just find it a real eye opener after all this time that I still pine for these people and yet they don't seem to be bothered about me.

We know some people that were terribly homesick for their old lives and familiar friends and family. They went back to the UK after 6 months of being here and quickly realised that after the initial hugs and excitement of them being home, they were back to square one and seeing 'best' friends once a month and having family squabbles! It took them a year to get back here and have never had a single urge to return 'home' again!

I am now at the stage of thinking that my immediate family comes first, no doubts. I still miss my Mum and in laws very much but as for the rest of the folk left behind...bah! :p

Oh....my Mum arrives here on Monday for 5 weeks...I am soooooooooo excited!! It's only been 4 months since Dad died and she's making this trip alone! What a wonderful brave lady my Mum is! I am so very proud of her. :D

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Good for you!

I know exactly what you mean about people not keeping their pledge of 'we will keep in touch'.

My mum is in regular contact with me via email, msn and phone. I have never had a phone call from my only sister - since arriving September 2005 - even though she goes online she never emails (rarely) or chats - she even has a web cam and doesn't bother much.

The only people (which surprised me) were the kids that I taught in year 9,10 and 11 at the school I left behind in Shirebrook - Notts.

I get regular emails and msn chats with at least 17 of them - and two or three send me xmas cards and stuff.

Like you - we have a relative joining us next week - We are so excited. My husband's father is due to land in Sydney on the 28th November. so we are heading up early and making a day of it before we collect him!

Sarah

Re: Move back...to what??
 

The distance certainly makes you reflect on these relationships, everyone is getting on with their lives without us ! :D[/QUOTE]


I understand that people at home still have lots of people in
their lives and we are starting from scratch but I agree, it
is surprising how little even family member can contact you.

I guess the nice thing is that they're all still there and you
can pick up where you left off, even if you don't speak for
sometime.

But it's true, there's only so much effort you can make with friends
who make no effort whatsoever.

One of my friends even got annoyed because I'd called her several
times from here (no return calls received obviously because it's
too expensive) but when I got home, I arranged a night out and
she was invited by me but via others, I hadn't got around to personally calling
her with an invite(again she hadnt actually called me while I was home and I was flat out) ..........mmmmmm some people.

I think you just have to accept that's how it is and enjoy
seeing everyone when you go home. :beer:

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Oh....my Mum arrives here on Monday for 5 weeks...I am soooooooooo excited!! It's only been 4 months since Dad died and she's making this trip alone! What a wonderful brave lady my Mum is! I am so very proud of her. :D[/QUOTE]


Awww Tracey I hope you have a brilliant time with your mum and yes she is a brave lady. Enjoy those weeks....sending you lots of hugs..!!
:)

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Awww Tracey I hope you have a brilliant time with your mum and yes she is a brave lady. Enjoy those weeks....sending you lots of hugs..!!
:)[/QUOTE]


Thanks...I certainly will! :D

I have to say in the last few months I have realy started to re-evalute my life in some very emotive ways. Since Dad died so suddenly and none of us were prepared for it in any way shape or form, I have stopped worrying about what the future holds now. Because, at the end of the day, who knows what's going to happen.

I am now living for my immediate family: my hubby and two amazing kids. They are my focus, they are the ones who hold me together. I'm thinking about tomorrow or next week at a push, I'm not going to panic about decisions that may have to be made in years to come. And you know what? Since I've taken the pressure off myself to make those life changing decisions (about going home) I am really starting to enjoy my life here! Wonders will never cease eh? :D

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Hi Tracey
We were surprised at how our relationships with friends/family changed after we returned from Oz. My husband really missed his family & friends while in Oz. (I was not so affected by missing family as my only sibling is in Oz and my only other relatives - mum & dad - lived 250 miles away so I only used to see them 3-4 times a year). My husband was virtually brought up by his grandparents, so naturally, was very close to them. SInce being back, he sees them once every 4 months at a push. He used to spend a lot of time with his brother yet he has seen him once in the last 3 months for a cuppa. And he has seen one of his former 'best' friends less than 5 times now in 2 years.

Our priorities have changed, not justbecause of the baby but because of the way we have changed, our new interests, etc. Our whole focus has changed and with that the relationships with our families have changed. We are parents ourselves as well as being someone else's children. Old friendships have come and gone. Some people who never kept in touch are still good friends, and some of those who were great at sending emails I rarely see. If you did go home, you will find you have moved on, you have changed, whereas many people's lives have stayed the same. You will want different things from your friendships than you did previously, so a 'clearout' is probably a natural occurrence and new friendships will develop.

In a way, moving back to the UK was kind of like moving to Oz in that we were starting over again, with new priorities in life. Of course it was a bit easier with the old support network in place, but both husband and I had new interests and therefore sought out new contacts. My main circle of friends now are the mums & babies, none of whom I knew before going to Oz. We were only gone 18 months. I would imagine the longer you are away, the more extreme the changes in friendships and family relationships?

The good side I guess - and we haven't had to deal with this yet - is that should something bad happen within the family, we are all close enough that we can deal with it together. However, husband is confident now that although his family are important, he could live apart from them (mainly because his priorities are now his own children (well toddler and bump!).

Glad to hear that you are enjoying things more, and feel more relaxed about being there. How is the studying going? I haven't been on this site for a fair while - I had no idea you lost your dad in the last few months, and I'm sorry to hear of your loss. That must have been so hard being so far away.

Take care
HP

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Tracey,
So glad things seem to be turning for you.....hope you and your Mum enjoy every second!

I still miss friends dreadfully after 2 years, though my closest friends have been out and are booked for their second trip, and we still speak pretty much every week, they are pretty special. That said, i agree with you on the family stuff, I barely hear from any of mine, yet I know when we go home they will expect priority of our time, if i could get away with it i wouldnt tell them we were going!

It sounds like your on the upward slope of being here now Tracey, am about halfway up it myself, hope to see you at the top someday!
Michaela x

Re: Move back...to what??
 

Thanks...I certainly will! :D

I have to say in the last few months I have realy started to re-evalute my life in some very emotive ways. Since Dad died so suddenly and none of us were prepared for it in any way shape or form, I have stopped worrying about what the future holds now. Because, at the end of the day, who knows what's going to happen.

I am now living for my immediate family: my hubby and two amazing kids. They are my focus, they are the ones who hold me together. I'm thinking about tomorrow or next week at a push, I'm not going to panic about decisions that may have to be made in years to come. And you know what? Since I've taken the pressure off myself to make those life changing decisions (about going home) I am really starting to enjoy my life here! Wonders will never cease eh? :D[/QUOTE]
HI Tracey
Havnt posted on here for a while but just had to reply to your brillaint post just like I was reading my life similar thing happened to me three weeks in to our move to NEW ZEALAND starting our new life when dad passed away the only reason I went because he was so supportive of our new start utterly devastated when I heard the news flew back in time for the funeral its eight months on and it dosnt get easier all the what ifs anyway as you said immediate family are your strength and all my support is gained from them and the fact that im sure time is going to make it easier

Re: Move back...to what??
 

mmm...... Do you think in all these cases friends and family are envious that you have had the courage to make such a big life change?

- we are finding that as we prepare to move to Oz - lots of our close family and friends are finding reasons we should not go, such as how can you do this too your kids, etc, you have good jobs you will not be in this position again etc.,

Angela :confused:

Re: Move back...to what??
 

No I dont think they are envious, they just know they will miss you and dont want you to go. Believe it or not not everyone wants to emigrate. There are many people who are happy with their lives as is. I have very close friends that I keep in touch with, but the ones that dont call often that is fine too. Everyone is getting on with their own lives it doesn't mean they no longer care.

What many may have a hard time adjusting to is that when they were the ones that were emigrating they were 'special' there were leaving parties and tears and everyone clamoring to see them before they go off. However once you move back you are no longer special life goes back to normal people see you when they can. But what you are left with are normal relationships with friends that revolve around things you have in common. When my friends call me here I want normal conversations, I dont want the kind of conversations you have with people who think your different. I get enough of that in the US.