I’ve been in Australia for nearly 10 years and have wanted to move back to the UK since the 2nd week.

I’ve been back at least once every year and every time I leave it has broken my heart to say goodbye to my family again.

Being miserable turned into home sickness, which turned into depression, which turned into severe depression, which almost lead to suicide.

I’ve just come off anti-depressants after being on them for years because I felt they were preventing me from seeing life clearly.

Now I’m off them I’m desperately unhappy again and all I can think about is going back to the UK.

The problem is after so long being depressed and medicated I no longer trust my own judgement. Will going back to the UK really fix everything? Is the depression a result of living too long in Oz or would I have ended up this way regardless? We’re well off financially at the moment but feel like we don’t have a life. Will moving back to the UK mean we’re just as miserable but we’ll be poor too? Will it all be one huge, awful mistake??

I feel paralysed with fear at the moment. If we’re going back I need to start doing things now but I just can’t bring myself to do anything.

Sorry for dumping this all on you but I feel like I'm on the edge of salvation or damnation at the moment, I'm not sure which.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this?!

Not quite to the suicide stage and having refused to go on medication although it was suggested more than once, I got through more than a decade (my first 10 yrs were OK I must admit) with CBT strategies and the annual sanity hit. In my case the depression was marked by a massive (think 50kg) weight gain, chronic lack of fitness and exhaustion. In my case, though, it was 100% situational depression which lifted as soon as I got off the plane in UK (every time!) and so when circumstances conspired to keep me in UK (I still haven't returned from my last holiday - 18 months down the track) my life changed 100% and I have now shed pretty much all the weight, I sleep better, I walk around with the most inane grin on my face and instead of waking up to my first thought of "OMG I am still bloody here!" And crying in the shower to start each day, I am up early and raring to go.

This is just me - your mileage may vary and if I hadn't experienced it myself I would have been somewhat sceptical of the power of situational depression (or as we used to call it, exogenous depression!).

I guess if you notice a different self when you fly over the UK coastline then you may be the same as me. Whether you are at a point in your life where a return is possible is something only you would know. Have you worked with a CBT psych through all this? Thy may be able to help you get over the paralysis.

Good luck in getting you and your life back!

pfromuk,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, anxious and confused.

My advise would be to speak to your doctor about starting on the medication again. It will get you back on an even keel and doesn't have to be forever.

Then I would also strongly urge you to find a good therapist and talk everything through with them. Hopefully your doctor will be able to recommend one to you but if not just take the plunge and make an appointment yourself. Don't be put off if you don't click with the first one sometimes it takes a couple of attempts to find one you trust and can work with. You will be amazed how much talk therapy will help and you may very well find (especially if the depression is mainly situational) it allows you to come off the meds again quite quickly. I know Brits tend to have a natural resistance to therapy thinking that we can just muddle through but it makes an enormous difference.

Once you are taking the appropriate meds and seeing a therapist, things won't seem so overwhelming and you will be able to start to trust your own judgement and weigh up the pros and cons, make a decision and then put a plan together, whether that be for staying in Oz but doing things to make you happier and more content there or moving back to the UK.

From your post I would hazard a guess that a move back to the UK is probably going to be the right thing for you but right now you aren't in a good position to make the decision and put a plan into action. Get treatment for the depression first and then tackle it, your therapist will be invaluable for helping you work your way through this.

It sounds like it was the move and everything involved with that which brought on the depression but moving back will bring its own stresses so you need to get treatment so that you will be able to do what you need to do to be happy in Oz or to with stand the stressful aspects of moving and starting a new life in the UK (if that's what you decide) without it triggering depression.

One step at a time, meds and therapy will get you healthy and then you will be able to move forward.

Yes, I have gone through a similar process and know how you're feeling.

Realistically, the UK will not provide all the answers but it is too alien where I am. I have learnt a lot which will equip me better in the future I think.

Personally I found the medication impaired my judgment so you have to weigh up the pros and cons of going back on it.

Hi, thanks so much for replying. I've also put weight on since being in Oz, particularly since being on meds. I've gone from 75 to around 100kg and pretty much given up excercise. I haven't tried CBT but I've gone through more therapists, counselors, pshchotherapists and pshychiatrists than I care to remember. Meds pulled me back from the brink but I ended up drifting along in this emotionless haze and was unable to focus on my goal of moving back to the UK. Now I'm off the meds and back in the real world the enormity of the task in front of me, ie deconstructing our life here and plunging into the unknown back in the UK, seems so big I just don't know where to start. Actually, that's not true. I know what I need to do I just can't bring myself to actually make a start doing it. Go figure that one.

Of course, it doesn't help that everyone I know in Oz thinks I'm crazy to want to leave and everyone I know in the UK thinks I'm crazy for wanting to move back!

Thanks again to you all for replying. I am more sure now that moving back is the right thing to do. I just need to get to grips with doing it.

What about going back for an extended stay like 3- 6months to test it out and see if your depression lifts? If you love it then it will help you feel certain that moving permanently is the right thing for you and give you the lift to tackle it.

I know what you mean about counsellors/psychs (I was one!) but a good one (and my preference is for someone well grounded in CBT or possibly ACT) should be able to equip you with strategies to jolt you out of this inertia and help you put things into perspective - at the moment, the "whole" must appear so enormous that it is insurmountable, but if you break it down into small goals and see success then you regain confidence in your own capacity to move on. You might feel more comfortable about moving on if you can somehow organise things so that bridges aren't burned in the process - like moving to Aus in the first place, try taking a career break, renting your home etc.

This is your life, if you want to move on then you're a strong person, you can do it! (there's a little mantra to start you off - tell yourself what yourself needs to hear!)

Good luck!

PS - there are more people than you know who don't think you are in the least bit crazy for wanting to leave Australia!!! I know of many who have drifted past the point of no return with varying levels of regret and would give their eye teeth to be able to move back! As for the Poms who think that Aus=Home and Away - meh!

I read your posts and I feel for you, really I do. I was in the same boat as you last year - overweight, depressed and very anxious but I am moving home in 14 days and I can't wait. It took me 18 months to get to this point though and some days have been such a struggle!

It annoys the crap out of me that everyone else seems to have that opinion that I have highlighted in your post. A so called British friend of mine just will NOT stop goading me constantly about moving back the the UK so in the end I deleted him off Facebook as I was getting really angry about his mocking comments. He then sent a hateful text to another friend and said "I think she is the problem not the place" - how very unkind. I just don't see why people have to be so nasty, what the hell has it got to do with them anyway?!!!

Baby steps, you have been given some excellent advice on here and I particularly like NiHao's suggestion of an extended stay in the UK. You could maybe use your time there wisely as well to sort out things such as a bank account etc etc?

Good luck love and hang on in there, when I look back at my BE posts from a year ago I only now realise how far I've come. You will get there, it just takes time but you will get a lot of support and advice on here from some lovely people. All the best

It's interesting, but being a dual citizenship and having a foot in two countries is a rather unique situation relative to the bulk of the people in the world, and it brings unique problems and stresses, as well as opportunities. Anyone who has not lived in this way has much of a right to comment on it, in my view.

Having read your post I cried , let me tell you why.

I am amazed that you have spent so long going through this hell, I know this hell but I cant imagine to be so far away, let me tell you my experience and then I would like to offer you some advice.

I moved to the Czech Republic nearly three years ago. The first few weeks were fine and then some little problems started to appear. I was going through emotions of missing my kids , missing the little things in life which we take for granted. But then things started to get worse, I found myself in deep depressions, yes even suicidal so my Czech wife took me to a physciatrist at a hospital which can only be described as something from a horror movie. I was put on anti depressants.

The anti depressants caused further problems so I stopped taking them and after a while I was at another physciatrist and yet more pills.

To cut a long story short we moved house to another part of the country and whilst things have been better I have still been going through periods of desperateness. So we visited another physciatrist in Prague. This was my turning point.I looked at the other patients who were quiet frankly serious and sad cases and said to myself enough is enough. I told my wife that its absolutely clear , I will move back to England and I hope she follows me but my health and sanity are more important.

So we bought a static caravan and she will come for an Holiday with me. We will spend the summer in the UK and at the end of the summer I will stay. My sanity intact I will start my life again in the UK and by God I cant wait.

I hope that my wife will follow me, But I must say I dont want her to go through the same as me. If she is willing to come I will be very happy but I care about her and if staying in her own country keeps her healthy I will be happy that I have not caused her any pain or suffering like living here has to me.

So my advice to you...... Go with your heart, make the break and go back to the UK while you still have your sanity. Your life is the most precious thing to you. Pills only cover the pain, come off the pills slowly, see clearly and make a fresh start.

God bless you, good luck and do it now.

Good for you listening to yourself and doing something about it. I hope she can follow you and be happy.

Oh my goodness, I think in several ways we must be the same person!
Yes, I have absolutely gone through very similar feelings. And like you I think a change would help things immensely.
It seems weird to others who don't happen to experience the same thing because to them it seems like you're running, but truth is it is something in the gut, something in the instincts that says a change is mandatory.
I don't live in OZ, we live in the US and always have, so it's pretty different for me, but we did move from one state to another only to have the feelings get even worse for me. Like you I feel like I am losing my mind. I have wanted to move since the first few months of being here and here we are over 3 years later and it's not getting any better.
Problem I am faced with is my two daughters (one a teen and one a preteen) are digging their heels in and really don't want to move, they are really battling me on this and that is just driving my desperation and depression even lower.
My thoughts for you are if you can and are able, then do it. There's nothing worse than knowing a change has to happen and not being able to do it.
If you ever want to talk privately it may help, sometimes just some comfort and support is enough to get us by.

Wow, so many of us feel the same! I am particularly having a bad week. I just want to leave! Of course I cannot because my OH wants to carry on for another 2 years and in the big picture it is not really long but I feel so sad and disconnected! We have an election at moment and I really don't give a f...ck who wins! I just want out of here! I am even walking around the house looking at my stuff and thinking "I will take that! not that! maybe that will be packed?" and feel like starting to pack some boxes already
OH now will not discuss it and we end up in a shouting match if we do and we are both unhappy!
If you are in a position to leave I would do that and as others have said why not take a "sabbatical" leave your stuff in storage or with friends and head over for at least 6 months maybe working part time while you figure out what you want to do! Good luck! I have another person holding me back like Becca has her kids and for us it is really hard! If I was single I know what I would do! However I love my OH so another glass of wine will come in handy! BTW I have also picked up over 55lbs in last few years and cannot shift it!

Thank you so much to all of you have taken the trouble to reply. My original intention was just to share what I was going through in the hope that simply doing that would somehow help.

I was not expecting to get such heartfelt replies and I am so grateful to you all for sharing what are undoubtedly very difficult and painful things to talk about.

I went back to my psychiatrist on Tuesday and explained everything that has been going on. He was very helpful and I am going on to a new anti depressant that apparently does not have a lot of the drawbacks and side effects of many of the established meds. (If anyone else on meds is interested, it's called Valdoxan).

Most importantly for me, he reckons it does not cause the "emotional blunting" that being on Pristiq did. One of the reasons I came off the Pristiq was because I felt it was preventing me feeling the underlying pain of the homesickness and that I needed to feel it if I was going to have any chance of actually doing something about moving back before it was too late.

I know in my heart that if I don't get out of this place I will be miserable for the rest of my life, and that my life will probably be considerably shorter than it might otherwise be because I don't see how it is possible to carry on feeling like this without soon developing some serious illness.

Maybe going back to the UK will not turn out to be the answer to all my problems but at least I feel there is a chance that it will. If I stay here I know there is no chance for happiness.

To all of you out there who are unhappy where you are, I truly hope you manage to find a way home, sooner or later. I know my heart is in the UK and that's where I have to go.

I guess if there is one good thing to come out of all this it will be that until you have lived somewhere you are unhappy you cannot really appreciate what you left behind. When I eventually get back to the UK I will be one of the most patritoic people in the country! Anyone that tries to tell me how bad it is in the UK and how stupid I was to come back will get a dressing down they weren't expecting. How can anyone say that when they have never tried leaving everything and everyone they know behind to live somewhere else?

Anyway, I feel more positive now than I was a week ago and that is in part due to all of your replies so thank you again.

My advice, for what it is worth, is not to rely on the wine. I tried that. It only makes things worse eventually. Two years is not long to wait if you know you are going back at the end of it. I've done nearly 10 so far so you can do 2, if you change your mind set a bit. If you wander around for 2 years feeling miserable with nothing else on your mind than the thought of going home you are going to drive yourself crazy, literally.

Try at least to put it to the back of your mind and find something (other than wine) that will make life bearable until you go back. A new hobby perhaps? Meditation? Counseling? Anything that will help you get through the next 2 years. Believe me when I say I know how hard it will be but if you slip over the edge into depression you will find it a difficult hole to get out of so do anything you can to stop it happening. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.