Homeiswheretheheartis

I have been lurking on this board for sometime, so today my husband has just hit me with a bombshell, so Ive come to chat or more like moan on here.

First a bit of background info: My family and I have been in the US 6 months, we are here due to my husbands work and we came expecting to be here 2 years max. My husband came home today to say they want him to stay another year

Trouble is, I don't hate it here, but I don't like it either, I tolarate it. I think the only reason I don't hate it is because we weren't due to be here that long.

But and this is a big but, its a very good career move for my husband to be here the extra year. Plus it means he can have his pick of jobs back home if we stay. If we go back at the 2 year point he has to go back to his old job.

Next but, DD1 is happy wherever we are, DD2 100% wants to go home.

Its a case of head over heart, my head stays do the extra year but my heart says no!!!!!!!!!!!

Practically money, job and housing are not a problem whether we stay or return as they are all sorted.

Education wise if we returned at the 2 year point my DD1 will join year 8 in the UK and my DD2 will join year 6. My main concern if we return a year later is my DD1 would have missed 2 full years of UK high school and my DD2 will have to go straight to UK high school. My DD1 should be OK as she is very confident but my DD2 has learning difficulties and is very shy, I would prefer she had a year back in primary to help her settle before the big move to high school.

My other concern is how hard will it be for them to reintergate back into their home town in the UK after 3 years away. I was hoping that 2 years wouldn't be to bad.

Right armed with all that information someone tell me what the right thing to do is

Moggiemiss

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so torn by your situation.

I know an extra year probably seems like a long time at the moment but in the overall picture, it is not that long. I am sure your children will be fine whenever you return with your love and support.

I know that feeling of 'tolerance' ... it means that really you are in a place you do not want to be, but making the best.

The forum is great for support so a good place to share your feelings without judgement. I hope you come to a decision that is right for all of you.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Kids tend to adjust better than us adults do. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Think of it as an educational experience for both your daughters.

It sounds like (based on your situation) you'd be better off waiting it out another year. A year is nothing and you can look forward to going home in a much stronger position.

That's my 2 cents' worth, for what it's worth

Jenny22

One thing that would concern me is whether those 3 years are going to become 4, or 5, or more, and I'm wondering if that is one of your concerns too.
If your husband is sure he will return to the UK after a three years stay, then I would say hang on in there and try to enjoy things. But if you think there is a possibility that the company he works for will later down the line make him an offer to stay more years that he will feel he can't refuse, then you both need to sit down and talk about this now.

brissybee

Would you consider going back to the UK with the child that wants to go... and leaving the one that doesn't want to go yet with her Dad?

It's not ideal, obviously, but... could you make do with holiday visits for a couple of years? It may seem like a long time, but it's not really.

Unless you do something, I fear your kids will become more entrenched and your husband may receive another offer too good to refuse... and before you know it you'll be stuck.

Good Luck.

quoll

Difficult! If you had a cast iron certain guarantee that it was only going to be one year then that would be do-able and shouldnt disadvantage your kids (you might want to check that your eldest wouldnt miss any GCSE content) but I'm with the others - what if the next fabulous opportunity also keeps you in US? At some point you will have to put your foot down but perhaps in this instance the benefit to your DH's career is worth taking.

brits1

The best laid plans eh?......two things really, most people tend to think children are adaptable and they are to a certain point but it's still can be hard on them....and before you know it your use to not having family,old friends etc on your doorstep and that can change you to a certain degree and does sometimes makes it hard to adjust when/if you do decide to return to the UK....personally in the cold light of day if your husband is not to bothered about staying, your just going with the flow....one daughter does not mind either way....the other wants to return home.....well come home....I would say the complete opposite if you loved your life there and both daughters did and your husband was wanting to climb the ladder in his career....have a good talk about it, take as much time as you can, for me family happiness is what really counts....the rest is a bonus. All the best

charleygirl

My first thought was, will it be only the one extra year, as a lady whose extra year turned to 15 and has virtually ruined my life be very careful. Plus my children were younger twins, 5 and a 6 year old, they adapted quite well there, I never did, bit like you didnt hate it but didnt love it either, all I ever wanted was to come home. But I never did and as the children got older it got harder. Now divorced and living alone back in the UK, I would think very carefully, as long as you have the guarantee it is only one year and can trust your husband with that. Maybe for his career sake you could do it. But he may grow to love it there and then you could be really torn.
Good luck and sorry to be a bit negative but just wanted to let you know how I feel.

jemima55

Sorry, this is rushed. I`m in a similar position, came here on husbands job transfer for two years, been here five. Went through a sticky patch when he didnt EVER want to go back. Now heading back, selling house.
My advice- first priority is the children`s education.Second, whatever you decide get it written down in blood on tablets of stone! It`s amazing what some people can forget and then you have no recourse, just your word against theirs! Embittered? Yes! Wiser? Yes!

sallysimmons

My two cents is to never make a decision based on what might be in the future. Your husband might only stay the extra year and might be in a better place as a result, but he also might not. He might want to stay longer. Things may change where he works and his prospects might not be what you think. One of you may get sick. One of you may get hit by a bus.

You can only ever make decisions about how things are now IMO, because the future is one big unknown ("life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" as John Lennon sang, prophetically as it turned out).

I don't know where that leaves you - I just know that I always hear warning sirens in my head when someone talks about staying just a bit longer for financial reasons.

jemima55

Re: The original post. They "the company" will always want something or another! I got to the point where I had to consider my needs.

Victor Meldrew

In perspective - 2 years or 3 years doesn't make a lot of difference. It's when you get to a decision of 20 years or 30 years it's a big decision.

Regards the children, like others have said, children are most resilient and a lot of the anxieties are solely with the parents. Children are very resilient and very adaptable.

Whether a child moves at yr 6, Yr 9, Yr 10, Yr 12 doesnt make a lot of difference when looked at the perspective of a whole life.

I would stay the extra year with a proviso that, if it is significant, you insist that it is no longer than 3 years. However you should ensure that you have a good enough reason to insist on this.

Englishmum

We originally moved overseas for a 12-18 month posting.

More than 17 years later we are still overseas.....now my family will be always on two continents; daughter in the UK and my son who was just 6 years old when we left has no interest whatsoever in ever living in England again and is fully Americanized.

Pombat

[QUOTE=Englishmum;9953279]We originally moved overseas for a 12-18 month posting.

We anticipated being abroad for 2 years. 13 years and 2 continents later we are really hoping to go home this year before the kids get too old and put down permanent roots of their own. It is very hard to find the right time and for now we're just - rightly or wrongly - being guided by our instincts.

jemima55

Victor, I have to reply to this one. In my experience what is a good enough reason for one partner can be a trifling consideration for the other.