yummymammy

Hi all I'm new here and just wanted to share my story to see if there is anyone in the same situation.

I'm from England but living in Ireland for the past 6 years. Came here because of hubby as he is Irish and got offered a good job to come back here. Unfortunately we wasn't back long and we seperated so I've been on my own with our daughter (British born) for the past 5 years. I have tried everything to make life work here but it just simply isn't happening for me and a year ago I decided that I really did want to go home. I spoke to ex hubby and he said out right no, which I knew he would given that every little thing we have done for the past 5 years has been battled out in the courts.

So I applied to the courts for permission to remove my daughter from the jurisdiction. I have been through a whole year of court appearances, welfare and psychological assessments (all came back absolutely fine, apart from one thing that I will come back to in a minute) and last week after the shortest of court hearings you could imagine I was told by the judge that I can not move the 135 miles away back home. If I want to go home then I have to give up custody of my child. The same child the courts have refused to give custody to her father for the past 5 years and still will not give him custody. So in every respect I am being held hostage and my child used as ransom.

Back to that one thing I mentioned. I had asked that during all the assessments my child was not told about what was going on or asked any direct questions putting her in a position to make a choice. That I feel is very unfair to put on a child so young. Plus I was trying to shield her as much as possible from what was going on.

Nobody listened to my concerns and she was asked out right if she wanted to move. She said no. Well of course she did! She is a young child that could not possibly see the bigger picture or have any understanding at all. The judge gave the verdict on that alone and did not take into account my welfare, any of the evidence (even admitting to have not read the case file) and quite literally did not give a stuff about any of it.

Now what I will tell you is that I was extremely fair with my ex and said that he could have her over in Ireland every single school holidays, and could visit her in England whenever he wanted. If he wanted to fly over every week then so be it. He said that he could not possibly do that and would NOT travel to England at all.

I am now absolutely at my witts end. I have broken no laws and gone about everything in the correct and legal way yet I am treated like a criminal and my child used as a weapon against me. He is now living with someone else and has another child with them. He is allowed to get on with his life and move on but I am not!!!

If there is anyone out there in a similar position or has any advice then please get in contact. I have launched an appeal to the High Courts now but that is looking like being at least 6 months away. So much for us all being in the EU hey and having human rights. It would appear that all goes out the window once you have a child!

nightnurse2

Sorry, I can't help you, but I just wanted to wish you all the best

quoll

Gosh, what a horrible situation to find yourself in. I know there are folk on here who have the same problem with being forced to stay in Australia for exactly the same reasons - I dont think any of them have found a way around it. It's the Hague Convention unfortunately and you are screwed if one of you insists that the other cannot return when and where they want. Some of them are even bound by the distance they may be separated from the other parent which ties them even closer, sometimes to the same town let alone the same country. Sometimes the law is a complete and utter ass but I do hope that something works out for you! {{{hugs}}}

yummymammy

You would think that there would be a big difference between people living in Australia wanting to move back than me living in Ireland a mere 135 miles. Because of the different bits and pieces in the court order I can't even move towns when half my argument was that I simply could not afford to live here anymore. I absolutely can not make ends meet and my ex has every excuse in the book for not paying maintenance when he earns 3 times more than me.

It's a joke to be quite honest with you. Whatever happened to free movement in the EU!!!

Oh and don't even get me started on the legal costs!

dingbat

Welcome to my world. It took five years of fighting through the courts to be able to move from Canada, and now, when I can without restriction, I cannot find a job that pays enough to support us back home, or a large enough house in my price range in an area I am prepared to live, with five kids. I am exhausted, emotionally and financially. I am still owed thousands in child support, in addition to thousands of $$ my ex was court ordered to repay me and I have no hope of collecting it. You are right, it is not fair that the other parent moves on and holds the other to ransom. I felt like I was in prison. The ultimate irony is I am probably stuck here now, due to crucial schooling ages for the kids. Five years is a long time for growing children! I am starting in earnest on my garden this week, just to give me a reason to like where I am, while I have to be here. The difference now is that it really is my choice to stay, for what are, I hope, only the right reasons.

If you have been refused leave to remove, appealing it is possible, but you will have to show that to stay would be detrimental by comparison for your daughter. I am so sorry for your predicament, I know only too well how hopeless it can make you feel.

Pollyana

Ireland or Australia, its irrelevant I'm afraid. Its a move to a different country, and thats all that matters.

Lara45

It is a horrible situation .. I know because I too was in a similar situation. I had to go to the High Court to get permission to remove my daughter from the Jurisdiction of England and Wales to the USA. Different circumstances and .. Ireland as well ... have you looked up precedents? just a thought ...

livinginreality

Sorry to read about your situation.My aussie ex husband did sign the girls passports so we could leave to move back to the UK.He kept the house,even though the morgage was in both our names and I sought legal advice,but did'nt get anywhere.About 2 years later whilst living in the UK,my new OH just happened to be looking at Oz real estate,and asked me if the house he was looking at was my old house.To my surprise it was,ex-OH was selling up!I contacted the child support agency in Adelaide,gave them the real estates name and number,a week later they sent me cheque for unpaid child support,$1,000's of dollars worth!!!!! Don't know if you had a house together but if you did and he decides to sell up,ring the CSA before he signs the settlement,and get what you deserve!!!Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!xx

sonlymewalter

It's always really sad when relationships end and especially when there are children involved. I also feel terribly sorry for anyone forced to live in another country against their will, which can only exacerbate the sadness and loneliness. What I don't understand however is that surely this is something which must have been expected when marrying a *foreigner* and considered as a negative if ever the relationship ever went wrong?

If someone marries someone from a *foreign* country and subsequently lives in the *foreign* country, and has a family and then divorces, what makes someone think they can separate the child from the other parent and return *home*? I think it's different if the child has been mistreated by the divorced parent, however if it's a case of the parents divorcing because the relationship has turned sour, then why is it deemed acceptable to separate the child from it's divorced parent and move overseas?

I understand the bitterness due to the ex starting his life again with a new wife and child whilst you're left in limbo land, but surely he has a right to see his child in the country you both chose to live in when married?

I read and see so many stories of relationships that have gone badly wrong after women have left their own country and moved to another and then when things turn bad they obviously wish to return home, and they can't. No one can underestimate the pain this causes as it's during these sad times it's natural to want family support and being in another country without family support is probably one of the loneliest, saddest times of all. The reality is, you chose to marry someone from a different country, you choose to live in said country, then you must accept if things go wrong then this will affect the rest of your life. It's very, very sad but that's the reality.

Regardless as to the choices made and those forced upon you, I'm really genuinely sorry to hear how unhappy you are and I hope you find peace and happiness going forward as it sounds like you've had more than your fair share of sad times. It sounds like life owes you a break.....

ExKiwilass

I'm sorry for your predicament. I'm someone that married a foreigner and now lives in his country - it's not realistic to think of the bad possibilities when you're in love and starting a family, you know? But yeah. I understand that if we were to split up, unless OH agreed I'd be stuck here in Canada.

Fortunately I like it here. But I empathise with those who are stuck. Perhaps the partner that's thinking about leaving should just go with the kids when they have the chance before it gets to the courts...

sonlymewalter

Actually it is realistic to think of bad possibilities before getting married to a foreigner. No one sets out to marry a foreigner and believes it will go wrong however the possibility is always there and should be very well thought out beforehand. It might not make a difference in terms of the decision to marry however it plays a substantial part in the decision making process. Or at least it should do.

dingbat

I did not marry a foreigner. My ex only got into Canada on the back of my qualifications and money, which got us here in the first place. He then abandoned his kids here, has not bothered to see them in years, but saw fit to trap us in this hell just because he could. Some realities are not that simple, tbh.

sonlymewalter

These issues are never simple and are always emotional. Complications are based on the decisions made by two people, the parents themselves and it's not always about marrying a foreigner as you mention. I referred to this particular incident as being married to a foreigner as that is the OP's predicament as she was living in Ireland with her British born child and Irish husband.

I am sorry to hear about your husband abandoning you and your children. That can't have been easy for you to manage

dingbat

The OP appears to have been dealt a particularly harsh deal, though. Eire is hardly a ten hour flight away, her ex could visit and be back home in the same day if he really wanted to. My emotional reaction (and reason I posted)would be to say her ex is being an a**hole just like mine was, just because he can. These types of entrapment are rarely because of the children, more to teach the other parent who is the boss (male or female). My reasoned reaction is that she should lodge an appeal immediately, find a woman's advocate and get some good legal advice.

sonlymewalter

There is never an easy solution though as usually there is a conflict of interest between parents and what's best for the child. In this case it seems the OP's home was in UK, the ex husbands home in Ireland. This might be why the child was asked which they prefer. Who knows....it's not easy on anyone especially the OP who is looking after the child with no family support around. Whichever way we look at it, it's sad so I hope it all works out well.

And for you too