Celtic Princess

I have been very poorly for many years now, crippled by my past. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now who is trying to help me heal. One of the biggest problems I have is being able to recognise the reason why I'm hurting. I've buried things so deep, for so long, that I just don't know how to get it out.

Then a few weeks ago my tv broke and I mentioned to my doctor that this really bothered me. She wanted to know why. I explained that I have it on all the time, from the minute I wake until I go to bed. Even if I'm not watching it, like much of the time, it still has to be on loud enough for me to hear. And it's not even that I'm interested in what is happening, most of it is in Swedish so I don't even understand what I'm hearing. I just have to have it on. While it was broken I had the radio on instead.

She said that this explained alot. I'm using the constant noise to drown out the noise inside my head. If I'm listening to the tv, I don't have to listen to my own thoughts and emotions. She told me to turn it off and start listening. So I did.

And I was hit with a wall of pain, memories and anger. A life time of abuse and neglect came back to haunt me. But this time I was ready and although it was hard, I wanted to face up to it and deal with it.

So Saturday evening, while out to dinner with my husband, I started to open up for the first time in over 30 years. I started to tell him of some of events that had made me who I was. Some were easy to talk about but others were so hard. Sometimes the words stuck in my throat and I had to fight to get them to come out. I began with the easier stuff and gradually became brave enough to venture into some of my most painful memories.

And my husbands reaction? He laughed. As I sat opposite him, opening my heart with tears streaming down my face, he laughed.

I feel completely devastated. He knows it was wrong and has tried to apologise but it makes no difference. How can I ever trust him again? I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to go 'home', but with great sadness I realise that I don't know where that is.

Tr1boy

I really feel for your situation, and I understand why you feel betrayed. But given the nature of the subject I implore you to edit this out and get some help and take some time to gather your thoughts. I'm not saying the people on here will not be understanding and mean well, but you will get myriad opinions and advice and I would have thought this would add to your dilemma, rather than give you any clarity.

cally49

Sorry for your predicament i really feel for you i was wondering if maybe your hubby was taken by suprise and just didnt know how to respond.

Some peoples first reactions is to laugh at bad stuff its like a built in mechanism to counter nervousness. I am not making excuses for him but i just wondered if this could maybe be the case seeing as now he is appologising?
All the very best
Cally xx

manc1

I agree, I think it would be best to stick to professional help. I'm sure people on here would be well meaning but it could lead to confusion. Good luckCP.

Fleaflyfloflum

I'm with Cally here.

I am so sorry you are going thorugh all this right now. Try to step back for a minute and think. You guys have been mrried for 30yrs and you have never told him any of this. I am not saying you were right or wrong as deep seated issues like this are very hard to deal with, but I would imagine your husband was extremely shocked. Often when people are shocked, embarrassed or do not know how to handle a situation they laugh. Crazy i know, but true. I had the most embarrassing experience myself a few years ago at a friends funeral where i could not stop laughing in the church! I had to leave. I didnt want to laugh it just came out.

I would try going back to him and asking him why he laughed. He probably feels dreadful about it.

I sincerely hope you can work thorugh these issues, and in all honesty, if feel if you could forgive your husband and out it down to the initial shock of hearing what you said, then both of you can work through this together.

Best wishes to you and big hugs xx

penguinsix

While I'm sure a chuckle was the last thing you wanted to hear, I hope you would consider that your husband's response may not have been an intentional slight but an unconscious and natural reaction present in some people. In many people, sublination, the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones, is an entirely common defense mechanism.

In some people, laughter in the face of bad news or fright is a natural subconscious reaction in the brain designed to bring about the release of enorphins to alleviate stressful feelings. It's a hard-wired defense mechanism, often times out of their control. Some professionals who deal with stressful situations daily, such as surgeons and homicide detectives, often used this process both consciously and subconsciously to alleviate the stress they are confronting. What might have been an intentional act 40 or 50 years ago has become almost an automatic response to crisis situations.

I would urge you in your continued discussions with your doctor to bring up this issue and seek his counsel on why this may have happened. I think he may offer up some similar comments on the unintentional response that your husband may have had. You can also do some independent research googling terms such as 'laughter defense mechanism' for some additional information on this type of situation.

I also hope that you'll continue with your doctor as you deal with this and wish you the best in your recovery.

Good luck.

whereamifrom

I hear you. It must have been very painful.
The others have told you to look into marriage counceling or continue with your chats with the doctors.

I have not seen my mother since 1979. Disowned at 17. No idea why, really.

In 98, while on my first trip to the UK and meet her mother, I told her of the abuse I received from her daughter and others around her. Her response was YOU LIAR!

That hurt. The old hag died in 2005, no one told me. But I did not shed one tear for her. And when my loving mom dies, I will drink a pint of something (I do not drink but I will that day).

Sometimes, you have to get up and leave. Sorry. If after 30 years of ups and downs that inconsiderate man can only laugh, dump him. You are too beautiful to be with him.

You deserve better. Walking away is better than going through another 30 years of bs. God forbid you come back with cancer and have to tell him. He might roll on the floor with laughter.

Hugs!!!

lobby lou

I can really feel for u xxxx my advise i have been there....keep talking to ure DR...tell him ure DH reaction...he will be better equipt to explain this reaction to u xx
As others have said shock takes on many forms.....i had majors with my ex husband...am now happily married to a fab guy...his reaction was similar to ure DH when we had a heart to heart ...i too was devastated...when i calmed down i asked him to explain him self.....He said he was feeling my pain and felt useless...and for what ever reason (he does not know)he laughted instead of cried with me.........guess its a man thing ...just remember he is the one whos been there for u ..through some tough times im sure and is still there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxgood luck xxx

wheatsheaf

I laugh when Im faced with a difficult situation, feel cornered, dont know what to say or do, and even with sudden tension. To others this seems callous and indifferent, but it isnt meant to be at all and doesnt indicate what Im feeling or thinking and is more a physical reaction to a situation that I dont have control over. The mind says "what do I do to help this person" and in that process of confusion and doubt, my body laughs!!. So sont take it to heart.....laugh about the laugh and tell him everything. You will find he can help.

scratchey

i guess it depends on what you told him. personally, im not a big believer in psychologists. i think if you just accept what has happened in your past and move on.

scratchey

onepearlyb

Sad to find a post like this on a public forum.
You sound lonely, I really feel for you when you have resorted to turning to a public forum like this to hear you, although I understand it totally. I know also that it's not the right place for you to share fears and hurt like you describe.

I think you need to speak to someone face to face. Go back to your Dr's/specialist and explain to them what you've said on here.
It is not easy to accept what has gone on in your life when it has been so damaging and ultimately limiting your life now.
It's not as straightforwards as just "moving on".
I would urge you to take the step of seeing your own GP/Counsellor soon before you do anything else.

Pollyana

Its often not that simple. Events in people's pasts - even if they seem totally minor and insignificant to other people - can have a major effect on the way one lives, and the way one deals with life.
Just accepting that something has happened is not enough. One has to learn how to deal with it, and how to deal with the reactions that one has every time a memory of that event is prompted.
Sometimes wounds have been locked into the body through a traumatic event and then reinforced through more such events. As a result it is sometimes necessary to have a more powerful event replace the wound with something more positive e.g. the thrill of getting a job replaces pain caused in the past through rejection of not getting a previous job. Without help to get to the root cause the effects of a traumatic event can linger for many years and totally rule someone's life.

To the OP - talking to a counsellor or psychologist is a good first step. If that person has the knack of being able to help you get to the roots of the trouble, so much better. If not, try someone else. You need someone on your wavelength, with whom you can open up and be honest, and let everything out, as only then can you start to heal and move onwards.

sel

Is your husband a good man ?? does he beat you ?? he is cruel to you ?? is he a bad father ?? Answer these questions honestly to yourself (not on here). Im pretty sure he was just shocked by what you have told him, he thought he knew his wife. You have just dealt a blow to him and his reaction was to laugh (for which he has apologised) he may have thought what the hell, where is all this coming from ?? Try and see things from his point of view, you have had 30years to try and get your head around things and you are having difficulty imagine for a moment what he must feel.

It is good to open up but we do not always get the reactions that we think should happen. Give him a while to process what you told him and have another heart to heart, dont give up on him.

trottytrue

Have you thought of asking him to come to the psychologist with you and for you both to explain how you feel perhaps this will help sort our his reaction to what you told him and clear the air.
You did say that you opened up to him while out to dinner, perhaps this setting was not the best place to tell him and he felt uncomfortable but you will not find out unless you discuss it and as you are seeing a psychologist she may be able to help.

Dave_Was

Lot's of people deal differently with stressful situations.

Just in my family, I end up not eating or sleeping, my brother just goes to bed, my mother cries, my father just walks away or laughs.

Are any of us bad or don't care, no, it's just that we all deal with this differently.

I have to say I'm like you that I hate the quiet and have to have some noise around me.

If I were in your shoes I would continue with the professional help and ask your advisor if bringing your husband along would be a good idea.

Then again this is just me and as you have seen we are all different.

Good luck.