I can't stay any longer
Nov 4th 2008, 2:26 am
#16
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Re: I can't stay any longer
if he has gone somwwhere else with the military surely u new what was involved b4 u went .........my dh is same he is now training uae military .....i hated it when i arrived here and it took me a year and professional help to settle ....but i would never have left and taken the children .....think really hard before u make the decision ....i have seen a few families split because of this .......good luck and if u need to chat with somwbody who has been in ure situaation please feel free xxxxx
Nov 4th 2008, 5:50 am
#17
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Joined: Apr 2007
Location: In the arms of my family. Heaven...
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Re: I can't stay any longer
What does he say about all this and the thought of being left down here by himself for over 2yrs?
Nov 4th 2008, 8:34 am
#18
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Re: I can't stay any longer
I'm sorry darling, I know you are having a truly awful time over here, but I really don't think splitting up your family is the right answer. Of course you're depressed and miserable at the moment, but you need to take positive steps to make the time you have to spend here the best you can. You have already got a time frame, so it isn't forever. Do you really think it's fair to deprive your children of their father unnessecerily? I really believe that not enough importance is given to the role of the father and your children will probably be confused and unhappy being without him. I know you have said that he has been away before, but on this occasion, you really don't HAVE to be seperated. And what about your husband? He has obviously said that you can go home (what a diamond he must be!) but really, how would life be here for him without you all? I think this may be rather damaging to your relationship, truth be told and would urge you to try and find some way of making the time that you are here for the best that you can.
I understand that the early days of leaving the UK is like a bereavement, you must go through the grieving process (believe me, I REALLY grieved
) but you do come out the other side, and although I know I don't want to stay here, life is better now and most days are good days (mainly due to some wonderful people I've met). It may not seem like it now, but time does help. I also know that I sound incredibly patronising and I can't possibly understand how it is for you. This is how I felt when people said the same to me, but it's true. You can adapt, you can be strong and get on with it and in a couple of years, you can go home! But please, I would seriously urge you not to break up your family if you really don't need to - I think that's a no-win situation all round.
Best of luck with whatever you finally decide, please do not be offended by my words, this is my opinion only and I do not for one minute think that this is an easy decision for you.
I understand that the early days of leaving the UK is like a bereavement, you must go through the grieving process (believe me, I REALLY grieved
) but you do come out the other side, and although I know I don't want to stay here, life is better now and most days are good days (mainly due to some wonderful people I've met). It may not seem like it now, but time does help. I also know that I sound incredibly patronising and I can't possibly understand how it is for you. This is how I felt when people said the same to me, but it's true. You can adapt, you can be strong and get on with it and in a couple of years, you can go home! But please, I would seriously urge you not to break up your family if you really don't need to - I think that's a no-win situation all round.Best of luck with whatever you finally decide, please do not be offended by my words, this is my opinion only and I do not for one minute think that this is an easy decision for you.
Nov 4th 2008, 9:36 am
#19
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Re: I can't stay any longer
Yes u may have URE support network and URE children ....but what does that leave ure DH with ......Things do get easier if u just give it a chance ......as others have said u need time to adjust.....I would really urge u to give it a go.....as u said he has done tours ,etc for his family ...maybe its time for the family to give something back ....take that atitude and ure out look will change xxxxxas i said good luck xxxxx
Nov 4th 2008, 10:02 am
#20
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Re: I can't stay any longer
Whilst in essence I agree with JAJ, splitting a family is not the best outcome, neither is living with less than optimal mental health and your kids are young enough that they really wont remember this as being an issue in the years to come so if your mental well being really needs that you go home, then go home. Long distance relationships are perfectly possible and you know that you will get to see your DH at least for a couple of holidays a year. Kudos to him for seeing this as a viable solution to your problem as well!
Go with a clear conscience and knowing that by doing so, you are doing the best for your kids.
{{{hugs}}}
Go with a clear conscience and knowing that by doing so, you are doing the best for your kids.
{{{hugs}}}
I think you know what you have to do, so do it and don't feel guilty please!
Nov 4th 2008, 10:50 am
#21
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Posts: 182
Re: I can't stay any longer
Yes u may have URE support network and URE children ....but what does that leave ure DH with ......Things do get easier if u just give it a chance ......as others have said u need time to adjust.....I would really urge u to give it a go.....as u said he has done tours ,etc for his family ...maybe its time for the family to give something back ....take that atitude and ure out look will change xxxxxas i said good luck xxxxx
Soldiers do not do this job for their family - they do it because they love it or they would have left. The adrenalin rush about going on tours - it's in their blood - and when they hit 40 they are institutionalized 
The wives and kids move at least every second year. And for some wives - me included (11 moves in 16 years) - you suddenly realise that the last move was one too many. Maybe it should be the husband giving something back
Last edited by Millie11; Nov 4th 2008 at 10:51 am. Reason: forgot a word..
Nov 4th 2008, 10:56 am
#22
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Posts: 36
Re: I can't stay any longer
I'm a military man, so I'll stick my twopenneth in.
Absolutely NOT a good idea to leave hubby in a different country. I hate being apart from family and home, but can survive the 4-month op tours knowing I'll soon be home. But two years? Forget it. You'll break your marriage as you forge separate lives - seen it so many times with colleagues who do the long distance commute fortnightly. How often do you realistically think you'll see each other.
Of course, you can tell me different, but I simply offer my opinion as a military man, and share experiences of my [divorced] colleagues.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Absolutely NOT a good idea to leave hubby in a different country. I hate being apart from family and home, but can survive the 4-month op tours knowing I'll soon be home. But two years? Forget it. You'll break your marriage as you forge separate lives - seen it so many times with colleagues who do the long distance commute fortnightly. How often do you realistically think you'll see each other.
Of course, you can tell me different, but I simply offer my opinion as a military man, and share experiences of my [divorced] colleagues.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Nov 4th 2008, 11:14 am
#23
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Location: Wigan - NZ- Wigan - who knows???
Posts: 252
Re: I can't stay any longer
Elvira,
As a sufferer of depression and had it severe in NZ I can totally empathise with this poster BUT you got me really mad
. Telling some one to pull themselves together with depression is like telling someone whos arm has just been chopped off, to throw a few blanket stitches in and it'll be ok. I think she knows it's not all about her otherwise she wouldn;t even be asking the question!
You probably meant well but please do understand that depression is an illness.
Jo
As a sufferer of depression and had it severe in NZ I can totally empathise with this poster BUT you got me really mad
. Telling some one to pull themselves together with depression is like telling someone whos arm has just been chopped off, to throw a few blanket stitches in and it'll be ok. I think she knows it's not all about her otherwise she wouldn;t even be asking the question!You probably meant well but please do understand that depression is an illness.
Jo
I am going to be blunt....... I think you need to
(a) get treatment for your depression
(b) pull yourself together
(c) find ways of making the best of your current situation and realise that...
(i) it's not all about you;
(ii) even if the next couple of years are going to be hard, they are going to make you stronger; and
(iii) you would find it very difficult to live with the guilt of having broken up your family.
Do you really believe that you could spend years living on opposite sides of the world and simply pick up again where you left off?
(a) get treatment for your depression
(b) pull yourself together
(c) find ways of making the best of your current situation and realise that...
(i) it's not all about you;
(ii) even if the next couple of years are going to be hard, they are going to make you stronger; and
(iii) you would find it very difficult to live with the guilt of having broken up your family.
Do you really believe that you could spend years living on opposite sides of the world and simply pick up again where you left off?
Nov 4th 2008, 11:23 am
#24
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Location: NI (back from Toronto)
Posts: 3,409
Re: I can't stay any longer
I'm a military man, so I'll stick my twopenneth in.
Absolutely NOT a good idea to leave hubby in a different country. I hate being apart from family and home, but can survive the 4-month op tours knowing I'll soon be home. But two years? Forget it. You'll break your marriage as you forge separate lives - seen it so many times with colleagues who do the long distance commute fortnightly. How often do you realistically think you'll see each other.
Of course, you can tell me different, but I simply offer my opinion as a military man, and share experiences of my [divorced] colleagues.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Absolutely NOT a good idea to leave hubby in a different country. I hate being apart from family and home, but can survive the 4-month op tours knowing I'll soon be home. But two years? Forget it. You'll break your marriage as you forge separate lives - seen it so many times with colleagues who do the long distance commute fortnightly. How often do you realistically think you'll see each other.
Of course, you can tell me different, but I simply offer my opinion as a military man, and share experiences of my [divorced] colleagues.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Nov 4th 2008, 11:50 am
#25
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,023
Re: I can't stay any longer
Yes u may have URE support network and URE children ....but what does that leave ure DH with ......Things do get easier if u just give it a chance ......as others have said u need time to adjust.....I would really urge u to give it a go.....as u said he has done tours ,etc for his family ...maybe its time for the family to give something back ....take that atitude and ure out look will change xxxxxas i said good luck xxxxx
Nov 4th 2008, 11:56 am
#26
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Nov 4th 2008, 2:08 pm
#27
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Re: I can't stay any longer
Let's just get one thing straight here Soldiers do not do this job for their family - they do it because they love it or they would have left. The adrenalin rush about going on tours - it's in their blood - and when they hit 40 they are institutionalized The wives and kids move at least every second year. And for some wives - me included (11 moves in 16 years) - you suddenly realise that the last move was one too many. Maybe it should be the husband giving something back
Soldiers do not do this job for their family - they do it because they love it or they would have left. The adrenalin rush about going on tours - it's in their blood - and when they hit 40 they are institutionalized The wives and kids move at least every second year. And for some wives - me included (11 moves in 16 years) - you suddenly realise that the last move was one too many. Maybe it should be the husband giving something back
Nov 4th 2008, 3:10 pm
#29
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,023
Re: I can't stay any longer
I'm sad to read some of the replies...a little understanding would go a long way.
To the OP...the first few years I spent in the US were absolutely dreadful. One of the main reasons I stuck it out was that my husband said I only had to say the word and we would be on the first plane home. If he'd told me to get a grip...or that he had no intentions of going home etc etc etc...I would have gone out of my mind...I would have felt like a caged animal. Only you and your husband can make the decision about your future...but we can provide you with a shoulder to cry on.
To the OP...the first few years I spent in the US were absolutely dreadful. One of the main reasons I stuck it out was that my husband said I only had to say the word and we would be on the first plane home. If he'd told me to get a grip...or that he had no intentions of going home etc etc etc...I would have gone out of my mind...I would have felt like a caged animal. Only you and your husband can make the decision about your future...but we can provide you with a shoulder to cry on.