JenJen

How long do you reasonably give it if your badly homesick before you decide enough is enough and to go home?
OK OK i've accepted that 2 weeks isn't long enough (I wish) and currently debating moving to Melbourne from Sydney before home as we know we like it there and have friends there.
But would you really give it the classic 1 or 2 years as is suggested it takes you to settle in or if you're very unhappy after a few months would you think about it then.

Very unhappy - crying daily/ nightly at least once but up to almost constant, not sleeping well, not eating well, craving everything you miss family, friends what you had despite what you moved out for.

???
Thanks

Jen

lisa67

It took me at least 18 months to begin to feel I "belonged" here in the US.
I found it helped if I planned to go out and "do" something at least every other day...library, shops, even just a long walk.
I also have kids so they kept me occupied and meeting other people.
Don't be frightened to have a good cry but give yourself a cut off point and a reason to get out.
Good Luck...it [I]will[I] get better.

Kath & Graham

How miserable for you!! It takes a long time to settle and familiarize yourself with a place. All this talk about give yourself 1 to 2 years is up to the individual i think it comes down to the financial side of things, as probably in two years you have stopped paying out for stuff etc, kids settled in school etc.

Depends on how much you really want it to work and if you carry guilt with your leaving friends/family behind. I think that was my main reason for coming back. I would say if you still feel the same in a few months, then dont leave it too long to return, or you could end up feeling unsettled again, like me and a few other people I know.

Good luck, just give it time.

Kath

bramblebush

oh dear, I do feel for you

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this one, it is down to the individual person.

I am in France and have suffered two serious spells of homesickness, both times we came close to returning to England but now after almost 3 years here, I am feeling very settled and couldn't imagine returning to England.

Sometimes you know straight away but sometimes you need to give it time.

It's like people that fall in love straight away and they say that they knew that they were going to marry the other person from the start, it seems too soon but sometimes you just know.

For me I was worried that if I gave up too soon then I might look back in later life and wish that I had given it longer.

They say that the first year is the hardest but I actually found it the easiest, it wasn't until we had been here for about 18 months that the homesickness first started.

Take your time.

Racheal x

Emma M

I feel sorry for you, I've been in the US 8 months and I want home so badly that I'm making plans to go back as soon as possible.

quoll

The dilemma is how long can you give it and still have the capacity to make a different decision. At some stage there is going to be a point of no return and that is a highly individual thing - factor in all sorts of stuff like kids' ages, job opportunities, exchange rates, age, others' fascination with the place etc etc. For some, the point of no return is 48 hours and for others it could be 20 years, there is no cast in stone figure. Unfortunately, in your situation, it would be detrimental for your DH to start mucking around with his career probably and if he started chopping and changing it could affect his future employment prospects - the 2 year thing is probably OK for that.

If you can reframe and say that this is a 2 year adventure holiday and at the end of that time you will make an active decision about where you go - back to UK, off to Melbourne, Timbuctu or wherever, then you may be able to cope with the current crap a little bit better.

Stitch

Been here just over two years but have been on the rollercoaster for most of that. The first week was absolutely awful. My poor mum in the UK never slept as I was constantly on the phone crying. The second week felt like someone had died. The third I was able to breath and the forth I started work so had no choice but to breathe. Then I got to the first month and went to an expats meet where I met our good friends. Lots of people there but only clicked with one family. Then another encounter at the kids school saw me meet our second close friends. Started to have BBQ regularly around each others house and the girls went for nights out (well guys had to stay and watch kids!). The next we knew it was three months and I was doing ok. Folks came out at the 6 month mark and I lost it again after that.

That's kinda been the rollercoaster with a few more ups and downs etc. Are getting citizenships and are more settled but I will never say never just that I'm here for just now.

Don't be hard on yourself and get some expats meets going etc. The feelings are awful but it gets easier. I promise.

Cheers

Ginny

JenJen

I can't believe anyone could or would want to cope with this feeling for a year or 2..........

I don't find thinking about staying for that length of time makes me feel any better if anything it makes me feel worse and more desperate to get the next plane home.
So far the plan I like best is, in my head i've said we are going home in 6 months, in 2 - 3 months we are going to sit down as a family and discuss with regards the lease whether we will renew it, whether we will try Melbourne or whether we should return home, and move from there, I am not happy but I am content with that plan, especially now I have dad coming out to visit in about 6 weeks time.

I can't say if in that time whether things will start to feel better or settle as right now things feel so bad that thinking things will get better has only made me panic about what if they don't. If I think it is going to fail and it does I won't have set myself up for more upset, if I try to think we will succeed given current feelings it will make me feel worse than I do now and if it does fail it will be so much worse.

The job hubby left said prior to his last day they would have him back if it didn't work out, it doesn't look good but his reputation preceeds him luckily for him, and all the people he has ever worked with highly recommend him.
Sickening but true.

Hubby knew he was asking a lot when he originally wanted to move out to Oz as it was never in my life plans, thats what is so hard and I think probably many of you don't know, my reasons for coming out here is more because I wanted to do it for my husband than for myself or the kids or because I wanted to, perhaps this is what makes it even harder.

Jen

geeandtee

JenJen...I really think, as unpalatable as it may seem right now, you have to give yourself a chance. It's a huge leap and it takes time to adjust, and it's not helped by the fact that your hormones are all over the shop at the moment.
At least, as far as Australia goes, you're in a relatively "cosmopolitan" place, although it probably seems like the far side of the moon at the moment.

JenJen

Yes it's a bad as the squash / cordial on offer here, that so far I haven't found one I like. I hate water but am having to suffer it right now as it tasted better than the other options tried.
I don't like Sydney's version of cosmopolitan!!!
I am giving it a chance and i'm giving it a chance in my own way, which I understand isn't the way in which everyone else sees things, should things seem more acceptable in 2 - 3 months then that will be disccused at our decision meeting and we'll decide if we will stay here longer - or whether things might be improved but still not acceptable then we decide the plan of action.
I admire all those who can say OMG i'm so homesick i'm very unhappy but need to follow through with this and give myself plenty of time to settle we'll review it in a yr / 18 months....... I can't do it that way, but that is more my husbands sort of philosphy which means right now on top of homesickness we're not getting on at all - really helps with the homesickness thing.

Jen

JoolsB

We are giving it another year too as hub just starting a new, promising job but the compromise is that we are selling the house we only bought 3 months ago and moving to the only suburb that I feel something for and renting there. If I cant live there I know I wont be able to live anywhere here which will make going back an informed decision rather than a hasty escape.

Also our dogs cant fly for 7 months anyway due to pet passport rules. Plus i would rather wait & go back when there is a chance property prices in Uk will be lower. I have cried almost every day for the 5 months since arrival and am on anti-anxiety meds but it is getting a bit easier now I know we have a set plan we both agree on.

geeandtee

I did say "relatively" cosmopolitan!

I really hope that things get better for you, it's tough enough being homesick, but when you're on the other side of the planet, that's got to be even harder.
I haven't been to Sydney for years, so I don't know how much it's changed. But, if there's anyway you can get into the City, I recall there's some great places, if you have kids, there's a museum down by The Rocks that will keep them occupied and the Zoo ain't half bad either. But that's me speaking from a tourist's perspective.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all luck.

JenJen

I think everyone is different and I don't know how you are managing to do it that way but if thats what you feel comfortable with then I hope it works and the place you choose to rent makes it all right.

The house was up for sale in the UK but I gave my dad instruction last night to take it off the market and put it up for rent, there is no way in hell i'm letting my home go, hubby even agreed to it so ....

As i'm sure i'm not the only one the last 3 years since hubby came up with this idea we couldn't plan anything anywhere, life in the UK was hard as hubby didn't want to do too much to the house or buy anything or go on holidays in the uk incase we then needed to move out here, when we thought the dream was over it was the happiest we'd been in 3 years, we bought a Zafira for me, I was working, we planned some short breaks round the country mostly staying with friends and said oh well maybe we can go to Australia when the kids have grown up.....
Then in a flip turn hubby was offered a job here and we had little time for me to wonder if it was actually what I wanted..... after all the disappointment with the other job I didn't want him to be disappointed again although we had just been happier than we had been in 3 years of stress that all this has originally caused........
I think hubby expected the homesickness to last a few days and he's annoyed i'm still homesick and can't see things as he does, if I didn't care and didn't want to give it a go I can promise you all as I did to my husband that I would have already been on the plane home by now.
The last few weeks we were in the UK I haven't be as happy as that in a long time, I don't wear rose coloured glasses yes the poop smelled in the UK too not everything was fantastic but what I had there i'm well aware some of that I won't ever have here and the rest I could spend years trying to achieve.

I can't stay somewhere i'm not happy for months or years....
Hubby knows this and if it works out that I can't stay and he decides to he knows i'll go home without him.

TraceyW

If I remember right JenJen, you had a major wobble a while back about actually making the move out here. You sounded so unsure of what you were doing and stated it was you hubby's dream to do this, not yours. Firstly, may I say, hats off to you for wanting to do something to make your husband happy, you've allowed him to have his dream, but at what cost? Your sanity? Your health? And ultimately, your happiness as a couple?

Every emotion you are going through now has been felt by me and countless others, so don't ever feel like you are losing the plot because trust me, you're not. Some of us ended up on anti-D's just to make it through the day only to be told by the insensitive prats in the Barbi that we needed to change our 'attitude' about being here

I wish that I'd gone home in the first 6 months instead of persevering and tring to make this work, because somewhere over the last 4 years I've lost myself in all of this. I almost paid the ultimate price and lost my marriage too, but thank God my husband is such a good and understanding man and has stood by me and agreed to go home.

So, my advice to you JenJen, is get out sooner rather than later, before you put down roots here and become assimilated into the 'lifestyle' because then there'll come a day when you wonder if you could cope back in the UK living in a semi, or deal with the crappy weather/chavs/petrol prices etc. Get out now whilst you still have a slivver of sanity left.

tillysmum

Sent you some karma and will pm you