horrigans

Some background stuff... we (me, myself and two children aged, 4 and 2) validated out permanent visas in Australia in May last year and moved out here in October, staying with my husband's parents. Well, when I say 'staying with', I mean staying in a two room building on their property with no outside space because his folks are having a pool house built. The pool house was due to be finished in September, but it's now March and we're still stuck in a two room shoebox with nowhere for the children to play. Hubs has applied for several jobs but his work is very specialised (he's a curator / sculptor) and has had zero success. So, getting on for five months in, we're still effectively homeless. Are jobless. And little prospect of any work in his field. He's started applying for jobs which are wa-a-a-ay beneath him in terms of his skills and still... zilch. The exchange rate has gone down the toilet so our money from the UK (which we haven't yet exchanged) is worth thousands less than it originally was. We can't afford to buy anywhere. Even if he does get a job, the salaries are so much lower than the UK we couldn't afford to rent or have a mortgage...

Well, basically I don't get what we're doing here any more. I miss the UK, friends and family and just not being 'foreign' more than I ever thought I would. I'm so tired of our situation and I can't see how it can resolve. I want to go back to the UK - my parents have offered to pay rent on a place for 6 months for us in the UK to help... but... and this is the big one... hubs does not want to go and wouldn't accept their help either. He thinks we haven't 'tried' here - and I know it hasn't exactly been that long - but how long do you give it before you say, 'this isn't working'? He thinks that we have more opportunities here and says that I can't give up my Masters (I'm studying part-time and looking after the children full time - and could pick up my part-time work from home again in the UK) in order to get a full-time job so that we can move on, either here or in the UK. Australia is his ideal, but it isn't mine.

Rock... meet hard place.

How on earth do you decide? We go back to the UK and he resents me for ruining his dream of being in Australia. We stay here and I feel trapped and no guarantees that we can resolve some of the really big issues that are preventing us from making a go of things.

Long waffle - sorry. I just can't get my head round how to move forwards from this and I'd love to hear if anyone has any suggestions or experiences which could help.

Sarah

TraceyW

Hi sarah

Right, let me start off by saying you are not alone in how you feel. You're also not alone in having a husband who doesn't want to go back to the UK. I have been exactly where you are now, I knew from the onset that I didn't want to stay in Oz, my OH kept insisting we stay for citizenship, which we did.

When he finally realised just how unhappy I have been here, he just got tired of battling for Australia. He realised that I meant more to him than where we live (thank God!). He's now agreed, after almost 4 years, to go home on the condition that we don't return to where we came from.

Did you discuss these eventualities with your OH before you came here? Did you guys have a "Get Out Of Aus" back-up plan? Did you talk about how long you'd give it before throwing the towel in if it wasn't working for one of you?

crystal23

If you do a search for posts by happy4 she was in the same situation as you re husband.

It might give you some hope as her story has a happy ending

happy4

Thx crystal23 and hello Sarah, as traceyw has said, you aren't alone in this situation, we arrived here Sept 06 and I knew almost straightaway (sounds daft, I know) that it wasn't for me. We also have two children, 4 and 2 and I am a full time mum, OH loves it here, fantastic job, but I dislike everything about it and I certainly don't want to end up here, 5 years down the line, just for staying to give it a go. My OH is going to come home with us, he is not happy about it at all, but we decided, before we came, that if it didn't work, we would go home, I've hung on and tried my best, but even my son ask's to go home. Our personal well being as a family is more important than any job and any country and my unhappiness shows in the home. I'm getting out now whilst I can, sounds extreme but I am going with my gut feeling. Most important, I think our children have a much better life in the UK in all areas, Australia is too isolated and until you have lived here, it's hard to imagine why a person wouldn't want to live here!

Must say, I would find it very hard with no space for the little ones to play, it must be very hard, maybe agree on a time frame that would suit you both, another couple of months maybe? It's such a difficult one, if I had known that coming here would have divided us, you just don't think of these things, do you? I wish you all the best, contact me anytime, ann x

crystal23

Haven't you gone yet? Go and get on with your packing woman

happy4

6 weeks and counting!!!! Our son got his place back at preschl, our daughter will be going for a few hours a week too, fantastic, wonderful just to speak to the teachers from 'home'! Not long for you too now, next year, yippee!! x

quoll

Oh Sarah! No real magic answers.

First - could you try somewhere else? I wouldnt think that the Gold Coast is exactly the hub for the sort of job your DH is qualified for. Mind you, I cant think where all those particular job opportunities may be.

Even if he cant get a job doing that, can you move out so that you have somewhere which is your own - look at some of the smaller towns perhaps - and see if there is something he can do in an area which is less expensive. There are some really nice country towns especially down in VIc and NSW. Maybe not close to the beach but then, life is not a beach IMHO.

You could try recommending that he goes out to the mines and does some work there to rake up some $$$$ - I believe that the job market is pretty open even for unskilled labour. The downside (or it could be an upside in your case) is that it is an awful part of Aus to be working in - hence the big pay but it may make your DH realize that this is not the land of milk and honey.

Are you in a position to get a job? Even a part time job could take you out of your shoe box and into contact with other people and let you be a person in your own right again. Failing that, how about volunteering with something like Lifeline or St Vinnies or the SES - small time commitment but engagement with a wider community.

If all that fails then there is nothing to do but fake it til you make it! If you tell yourself enough that you are having a fantastic day and that your life here is simply brilliant then eventually you may get to believe it just a little bit and feel less like cr*p than you do at the moment.

As you probably know because I have written it here many times, I am one of the ones who stays even though I loathe it because I would hate being without the DH - been married to him a long time and really cannot be bothered trying to train up a new one! One of my survival strategies is regular visits home - going in July and again in December this year. Usually I go on my own and when I had little kids I took them on my own. DH has this thing going about his carbon footprint It certainly wasnt easy when we were penniless (he was a student and I was a SAHM in the beginning) but we have slowly slogged away, both of us working full time until we retired and now we can just about afford my international jetsetting (cattle class)

Big {{{{hugs}}}}

crystal23

Hi Sarah

Are you sure your husband isn't insisting on staying because his parents live here. 5 months is a very long time to be out of work as your husband has been and I can't help feeling there is more to his wanting to stay than 'you haven't tried'.

Take a look at what you have written:

You are living in poor accommodation with 2 young kids with nowhere for them to play.

You cannot afford rent/mortgage because wages are lower here.

Poor prospects for job for hubby despite him applying for loads some of which he is overqualified for. So why does he think their are more opportunities here
For whom?

You have money stuck in the UK on which you will lose thousands if you transfer it here.

THEN

Your parents have offered to help you out with rent and hubby refuses it.

Doesn't want you to stop studying for your Masters (surely you can transfer the studying to the UK).

You clearly are desperate for the familiarity of the UK and most of us can understand that.

Can you sit down and talk with your husband about the issues you have written about on this thread. It sounds like a lack of communication between you isn't helping.

I really feel for you and I sincerely hope you can sort things out.

Take heart that other posters have been in your situation and come through it.

xxxxxxxxx

crystal23

Good news about the kids' school

6 weeks will fly by for you. I'll miss our chats though

horrigans

Thank you all so much for your replies! I've been feeling like I've been going mad here. His parents can't understand why I'm unhappy (not that they ask me if I'm okay - they've never done that) and dh can't understand what it is that I miss about the UK or why I no longer 'get' the Aussie dream when we've spent years planning it. But the reality just doesn't match up with the dreams and despite us having come out here lots of times over the years I never thought I'd feel so homesick or just miss feeling 'ordinary' so badly. I want my life back. I don't want to spend a lifetime of people asking me if I'm on holiday here when I feel like shouting at them 'DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ON HOLIDAY???? HAVE YOU SEEN THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES??????'.

I've tried and tried to talk to him about it, but we just end up rowing. And rowing. And rowing. He's said that if I were to leave and go back to the UK, I couldn't take the children - so I feel even more trapped than ever.

He's saying one option is that we stay for another 18 months, get our citizenship and go back to the UK then, but I feel that's a carrot being dangled and that by then, the argument will be 'but we know people, but the kids know people, but we'd have to sell our house and... and... and...' and it's never gonna happen.

Will have a think about everything you've all said. I'm so relieved not to be totally alone in this and feeling like I'm going crazy here.

Sarah

rabsody

Hi Sarah

I can totally relate to your story as we moved in with my mother in law with our 2 littlies when we first got here and my Aussie OH who was in direct marketing in UK was out of work for 7 months. It was considered a niche industry here i.e. the few jobs that were available were in Sydney/Melbourne. During this time he didn't want me to work because it took away from his job hunting (if he had to look after the kids) and MIL said it would be too bruising to his male pride.

It was the most stressful time of my life so I can totally empathise with you.

I can't imagine (although I don't know) that there would be many jobs in your husband's field on GC, it's more construction, sales and hospitality(and plastic surgery LOL!); hate to say it but GC is a notoriously difficult place to get work. Has he tried the universities down there or thought about working in Brisbane (even then can't imagine too many openings)?

Can you not put a deadline on it i.e. you will stay here for another six months and if things have not improved then you want to return home?

We ended up splitting a year after we arrived (would have happened eventually anyway). I now cannot legally take the kids back to UK. Don't let this happen to you!

Give him six months or you're off - with or without him!

jojosan

Hi Sarah - I agree with everything Crystal has said (she's a clever woman ).

I can imagine that you just feel absolutely desperate at the moment, and lost because your OH is not feeling the same way. However, I'm wondering if deep down inside he IS actually feeling the same way; just doing the 'man thing' of not wanting to feel like a failure or giving up on something (which I don't think you are doing, BTW). It sounds to me like it won't take an awful lot longer before he sees it the way you do. In some ways 5 months does seem like a short time, but it is long enough to feel that something is not working and needs changing - whether that is going to be somewhere else in Aus (plus the extra costs that entails); or whether you do 'bite the bullet' like most of here are going to/want to, and return to the UK.

It is NOT a failure; you have given it a go and tried your hardest. The circumstances have not been good to you though....

Good luck, I hope you get there soon.

rabsody

What he has said about the kids is ringing alarm bells to me. You are so right in thinking that after 18 months you will be way more enmeshed and it will be far more complicated to leave (particularly if he is already thinking in those terms). If the kids are Aussie citizens you will not have a hope in hell of taking them back to UK.

I don't want to sound dramatic but given what you have said above I would put a short timeline on how long you are prepared to give it a go for. Otherwise, like me, you might end up legally having to stay here with your children until they are 16.

On the other hand, once you have your own place and OH has a job you may well settle into the lifestyle beautifully. It's very difficult to gauge a true feel for the place given the stress you are under.

TraceyW

O.k guys and girls, how many times have you heard it; wife unhappy, hubby happy, he stamps his feet and throws his dummy out of the pram and refuses to go home, wife says "bugger you mate, if this place is more important to you than me, you're welcome to it" she pisses off to the airport, kids in tow, and goes home. Then the husband has a huge wake up call and eventually goes home. I know a few couples that has happened to. On the odd occasion the husband doesn't follow, therefore I feel...best rid.

I would be very careful Sarah if he's already telling you that he won't allow you to take the kids back home. As Rabsody says, you'll be buggered there completely if you stay to get citizenship, he'll have more legal rights than he does now. If you're desperate to go home and he won't, personally I'd do a moonlight without him knowing. Just leave a nice note.

quoll

Like the others have said, alarm bells ringing here - if he is making threats about you not being able to take your children home with you, you need to be thinking very seriously about where you go from here. May I suggest marriage counselling would be a start - you will have your chance to talk with an impartial mediator and get your feelings on the table without it deteriorating into a row. It also says to him that you are serious and not just being a whinger but this is really affecting your mental health. Also, very quietly just approach Legal Aid or some other agency to see where you stand with respect to being able to take your kids home.

He needs to learn the word compromise.