How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

I hope somebody may be able to offer some insight as to what made you decide to move back home. I came to the USA NJ a year ago now. I was very lucky to find a job (although this was meant to be temporary until my husband found work and I could go back to Uni and continue training for my career). Unfortunately I am still in the same job, my husband has adjunct professorship work, but its inconstent from semester to semester and not permanent. We have our own apartment which is pretty but the thing is we havent made any friends or people to socialize with. I thought after a year we may have found opportunties to meet people but after leaving friends in the UK with whom we were very close, I am finding it very difficult.

I am concerned as I thought it would become easier with time, after the initial novelty had worn of I was aware I may begin to feel homesick and lonely but again I thought with time it would get better. Its actually getting worse. I am having flashbacks of the UK and my childhood and not sleeping properly (all anxiety symptoms). I do like the area but its not somewhere I can see myself living (we moved from the city in the UK to the subarbs in NJ so another big change).

We originally came over here for my husbands work as we thought it would be alot easier for him to find work over here particulalry with the amount of universities. I cam over thinking I would start uni immediatly as I have already put this of for 2 years in the UK to save money for the visa process and moving etc. So I guess another aspect is my idea of coming over here and beginning study which didnt transpire may be another reason I am anxious.

I have been talking about wanting to go home and although my husband said he wouldnt consider it for the past few months, I think he may be slowly coming around. I think if he found a job in the UK he would (he has actually applied to Sheffield unviersities recently).

The thing is I really dont know how to make another life changing decision or if I have the energy to do it again. The conditions on my visa are due to be removed next year in May, and I am aware that if I was to stay another year after that I could apply for dual citizenship which would make the decision to try coming the UK a little easier as we would know that if we came back and didnt like it we could try the USA again. However another 2 years seems a long time, during which I wonder if anything will improve here for us. Has anybody waited to get citizenship before trying to move to the UK? I guess its a case of trying to keep our options open.

I am trying to look at all aspects of our current life here as I dont want to move back just because I am homesick only to regret it. I understand when we made the decision to move here there were aspects of the UK we didnt like. I also wonder if the fact I'm working in a job which I dont particulalry like has something to do with it, and if I was to finally start uni over here I may settle in more......I really just cant work out if I genuinly just dont like being here or of there are other things which can be changed that are coming into play. I also feel as if time is ticking away and although I could wait a few years to change some of these things here I actually feel as if my life has been on hold for a year. I literally get up go to work and come home. We very rarely do anything at the weekends, we used to meet up with friends and do things together. Now we tend to just sit in and try to save money! I see how people lives are moving on on facebook and think how absolutely nothing has changed for me since I left them a year ago, its a very strange feeling, as if I am waiting for something to happen.

I was hoping to hear some peoples experiences of how they decided to move, if they had felt as if they had wanted to return to the UK but stayed in the USA to try and make things work, what they changed, did it work or did they end up moving back to the UK anyway?

It took a long time to get the visa and I do not want to jepordize our opportunity here nor do I want to drag us back to the UK only for my husbands career to not pick up. However at the same time I dont want to pay $35k for a masters here (NJ in state tuition seems considerably higher than any other state)! only for us to move to the UK in debt, when I could have taken the same course in the Uk for $4k!

I am very confused. I have however decided to try and be rational and so have taken the 5 days vacation (which is all I am allowed to take so far) to take a trip home. I am angry at the amount of vacation, when I was in the UK I used to spend a month visitng the USA with my 24 days, and now I can only muster 5 days to see friends and family whom I havent seen for a year. This will be my first trip since I moved here and so I am very scared of the feelings that may surface on being home. I am also confused as I know a weeks trip home is very different from actually moving back.

How do you determine which feelings to trust when everything is up on the air in terms of feelings after immigraiton?

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

I Just thought I would add - something else I was even considering was stuyding in the UK whilst my husband stayed in the USA, and then working a few months in the UK a year? Has anybody any experience of doing this? The career I wanted to train for originally in the UK isnt recognized in the USA, I would need to take an alternate route in the USA which vice versa wouldnt necessarily be recongized in the UK. Hence the need to make a decision as to which country we will be staying in before I go ahead and begin my studies and pay the fees!

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

I think you are looking for reassurance that just isn't possible. The thing about moving successfully is that you have to do it with all your heart - throw yourself into it as though the move was irreversible. That means making decisions like entering degree programs or getting married or having kids or getting pets or buying a house - all the different things that root you in a place. Yes, you might lose money, but that's all part of the risk you took when you moved countries.

If you go into any move wanting assurance that it's the right thing for you now and forever, you will never move forward in your new life and will live permanently in limbo.

The same applies to moving back home. If you go, it has to be wholehearted with no looking back and then make the best of it.

There is no right answer to your question except to go where you think you have the most chance of happiness, understanding that whichever one you choose will have downsides.

Just out of my interest, I read your whole post twice and didn't see the positives for you about living here. Is that because you just didn't mention them, or because you don't feel there are any?

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

Hi Sallysimmons, thank you very much for you reply. I agree completely, even looking at the choices I have presented myself with show I am trying to keep my options open ' just incase' rather than truly commiting to either choice. You are right I hadnt mentioned the positives about living here which I guess is telling. I think its hard to find them becuase of the life we are living at the moment. As I mentioned part of my decision to move was for my husbands career. In terms of that the USA is a positive choice. I guess the scenery here is nice and the choices of different states to live in with different weather and culture is a positive. I think maybe where we have ended up was far from what I had intended. We are living in NJ which isnt the state we chosen - we moved here first as my husbands family where here and we stayed with them for a few months when we came over, then as my husband found work we just stayed here. I had hoped to move further south and somewhere cheaper! I guess if we ever had children they may have a better way of life. the life I had envisanged just hasnt happened. I think the biggest part is the lack of vacation at work so I dont have the freedom to visit home when I want. Maybe when my husband finds a permanent job I will be able to not have to support us and have the freedom to leave my work etc. So I guess the postives are - husbands career options, nice scenery....wow thats not alot is it? I just dont feel we are in a position to make the most of being over here due to our work and finances. I guess I should really do some more thinking about the positives of being over here. Thank you - your post has really made me think about these things more.

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

Glad my post was some help :)

I know it's a cliche but I always find lists help me at times like this. My dad taught me to do this as a teenager and I still do it now. I write down all the pros of one choice and then all the pros of the other choice, and give them numbers in order of importance (so nice scenery might be a pro but not that important whereas being close to friends might be a hugely important pro). Next I do the same for the cons. The choice is often crystal clear when I've finished.

I have loved it here for most of the time I was here, but I changed over the last few years and now I just want to go home. I find my list helps me refocus when I start to question whether I'm doing the right thing. For me, friends and family are the most important thing and so it doesn't matter what other positives the US has, it can never match up in that department.

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

if you have to ask you are not ready...what exaclty do you want? soemeone to take repsonsibiltiy for your decisions? These posts about "what do you think i should do...?" It's pretty pathetic. Take responsibiltiy and take ownership of your situation. How can a random person on a forum possibly help you out? :(

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

:blink:

crusheduk...you really are bitter, aren't you!?

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

Wow - I thought this forum was about sharing experiences so people can learn from each other about their experiences as an expat. My post was entitled "how to decide" not "please tell me what to." I was interested in hearing what the deal breakers were for others who have been through similar experiences.

Thank you very much for your opinion. Its nice to know there are people out there who take the time to post and tell others they are being pathetic.

Maybe you should invest your time in reading the posts you feel are relevant on here rather than seeking those you feel are pathetic and telling them so.

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

He or she have missed out on English lessons!!

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

It is.

This site was created to be a support network for expats worldwide. Sometimes it helps to chew things over with other people who can relate to what we are going though. So please don't let that person's view put you off posting. After all that's why we are all here :)

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

If you are considering quitting work to go back to school can you not quit and take an extended trip back to the U.K ?

BTW I don't think feeling everyone else's life is going great guns while yours is standing still is unusual , I'm right there with you on that one .

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

Understand that Sue, but more often than not the OP's who have the courage to post are shot down in flames by a rude, obnoxious individual. I think its about time that people are warned about this type of behaviour and if it continues, they should be banned. Most posts seem to develop into some kind of mud slinging exercise.

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

well said!

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

Hi miami,
I really feel for you.
This may be a head vs heart decision. On paper all can look good in terms of jobs, living situation etc. but the bottom line is always how you feel in the situation.
It probably won't do any good to list pros and cons in this situation. In fact, I sometimes wonder if people make these decisions to emigrate based upon an idea of what a place is like rather than the reality. There is certainly a current perception in the UK that the US is the land of milk and honey, a desirable place to be, but that can be far from the reality.
Just forcing yourself only to look at the positives is not going to be helpful if your heart is not in it and can probably lead to more anxiety.
Ultimately you need to be happy. That sounds simplistic but I mean it. After the job, the house, the money, the stuff, what is the lifestyle like? Where can you be happy? Life is too short to muddle through unhappily.
I think it is a really good idea to try and lengthen your vacation in the UK, to go back with eyes wide open. Either you will see that that is where you want to be or you will realise that you have been idealising life back home.
Either way, you will still have a lot of decisions to make. New Jersey isn't the only place in the US, and wouldn't be my first choice but then that's me not you.
(My situation: Lived for 6 years in the States before moving to Canada. Have been here 30+ years and am planning on returning to the UK. Wish I had never left but I do have a lot of experiences under my belt.)

Re: How to decide whether to move back to UK?
 

I agree with Sue, this is a support network, and when members have difficult decisions to make about moving, we are here to provide input.

When I first came to Australia it took me over a year to settle in, things were very different to England, and although I finally settled in and made friends, I returned to England after two years. A year later I was back in Australia.

I have been back many times for up to a year, and am now planning to move back to England permanently. I don't know if I am doing the right thing at the age of 73, but we all have our different reasons for doing things, and we all have feelings which are difficult to overcome.