Hello All,

This is a rant as I'm feeling low today. I hope you'll all understand. Boy do I feel low today..

Stupidly or not a couple of weeks ago after getting our green cards, I booked a holiday for my wife and I back to England. Yes, this is the second trip we'll be making back to the UK in less than 4 months. Now I'm homesick more than ever.

When I'm away and have nothing booked to go home, I can usually plod along, though it is plodding along. However, as soon as I have something booked I can only focus on going home. Everything suffers and I almost stop living, just waiting to go home.

As soon as I get off the plane at Heathrow, I feel at home. I know there's lots to criticize about it, but it is home. Driving out of the airport I feel I know the place, I know the system, my family is there, etc. Leaving the UK and sitting on the plane, literally makes me want to cry.

I've been out here in the US for over 3 years now and the first two years were wonderful. Now I've got married and my parents have turned 60, I'm thinking more and more about what I want for the future for myself and my wife. We're also thinking about children now and I don't want our children to grow up not having a close relationship with my Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, etc. My wife's family is in India and it would be easier to go to India from the UK rather than the US.

Both of us are family people and so the decision is should be obvious. However, I would find it difficult to find a similar position in the UK and to be honest that really scares me, I come from a community where still it's seen as the man's responsibility to provide and that's been drilled into me. Also we have just got our green cards and giving up those would be difficult, considering the struggle that we had to get them.

Then of course there's the comments we'd get, why'd you come back it's rubbish here, the countries gone downhill, etc.

Sometimes, I think that the biggest mistake I ever made was coming out here. However, how can I be sure that going back won't be a bigger one.

Today I just want to crawl up in bed and cry.. but I have work to do and a meeting to prep for.

See you guys and thanks for reading.

BTW, I hope I don't come across as a wuss for this but somehow it's easier to explain how I feel to you guys, than the people I have around me here.

You're not a wuss at all. It's sometimes a lot easier to pour your heart out to faceless people rather than the ones you're close to. Plus, we're pretty much all in the same boat, so we know how you feel.

No-one but you and your family can decide what's right for you, and you will get comments about why you'd be silly to move back, but the way I look at it is that you will get good and bad no matter where on Earth you live. Fortunately, the decision for me is easy. Like you, I miss my family terribly, and I'm tired of missing all the special occasions and just the love and support from my family in general. I can talk to them on the phone all I want, but it's not the same. Some people may see my need to be with them as defeatist and clingy, but that's not it. There are too many things I don't like about life here for me to justify what I'm going without back home.

It sounds to me as though you've already made up your mind, if your life is affected by your homesickness to that extreme. Do some thorough research on employment options in places you'd like to live, and that will at least give you a better idea. Talk to your family and see what they think. I hope you are happy soon, as if you want to start your own family, it'd make life so much better for them if their parents are content and settled. All the best to you.

Sympathies! Having lived with chronic homesickness now for many years and no option to return, I know how debilitating the feeling can actually be. I find it gets worse with time rather than better too. I dont know that people who havent felt it can really appreciate the pain in your heart that comes from being an "alien".

Perhaps you need a bit of a long tem plan - how long will it take you to get citizenship? Is it worth hanging on there for that? Can you put out feelers for a UK job just to test the market and see what is available? If you have a sense of working towards getting back home then maybe you will be able to deal with it.

My son went to UK for a "gap" year 5 years ago and hasnt come back yet. He didnt find it hard to get employment and seems to be doing quite well and his career prospects are significantly better than had he stayed here so dont despair of finding a good job that will support your family.

Good luck!

One of the greatest lows for me this year, was my Father's 60th birthday. I could barely talk to him over the phone. It wasn't that he was having a do or anything, but more that he just loves having his kids around. He was finding it difficult without me and vice versa.

I used to just sit and talk with my Mother, about everything and nothing. It's just not the same on the phone. She asks me what's new and pretty much nothing ever is. I've never been a phone person and maybe that's part of the problem.

I see how close my parents and my brother are with my sister's kids, and I wonder how they could be that close to mine if they hardly ever saw them.

It's literally another five years before I can apply for citizenship, that's if I don't have any breaks in residency from the US. So I reckon the quickest would be something like 6years before I got the passport.

Also at the moment I don't know what the point would be of working to get the US passport. I don't see me leaving my parents alone during their retirement, and want to be there for them.

On the job market back home, most of the recruiters don't really want to talk to you properly without having some thought that they'll be getting you some interviews, etc. Though I think that when I'm back this time I'll have a chat with one of the guys that I used to deal with and just see what he says.

One thing that I am trying to do is see if I can build more of a relationship with the guys in the UK division of our company, but that is difficult without raising any flags on this side, and with headcount reduction in everyones minds here, that isn't a good thing.

Career is important to me, but not as much as it used to be. I would be happy doing the same thing in England and not so much about flying up the technical or managerial ladders.

It's a bad day today. I just feel like I just made bad decisions about my career, leaving the UK, everything.

I really feel for you Dave .I am feeling pretty much the same way
We have been out in Italy for just over 18 months now~and the horrible horrible homesick feeling will not shift.
I to,plod along and have some ok days,but days where I cry at the drop of a hat.
Don't think I have ever cried so much.
My brother came out for a visit last month and I told him how I felt and he basically said we would be crazy to go back.There is x,y and z wrong with the UK he said to me.
But it is difficult for those who aren't in our situation to truly "get it".
I know things aren't perfect there-are they anywhere?
But when I speak to my mum on the phone it really gets to me.
My two biys are her only grandkids,she is always upbeat on the phone to me but says she misses me like crazy and said she got upset the other night thinking how many times she would get to see me.
That really broke my heart.
It is a horrible feeling to be in this quandry and I don't think people understand unless they are experiencing it.
So I just wanted to post and let you know you aren't alone feeling like this.
IMHO you sound so very down and if this isn't going to change I think you truly have to follow your heart/instincts.
Don't listen to those who say you are making a big mistake.
You do what is right for you and your wife.
That said coming to the final decision is easier said than done

Hi Dave,

I don't think you are a wuss at all. It's a bloody big decision and a difficult place to be in your life. That's why those of us who feel like you are on here day and night!

You sound so down, my heart really goes out to you (& Karamia your post made me cry!) and I know how you feel when you bounce back and forth trying to weigh it all up. I am still not 100% about going back to the UK, my greatest fear is that we'll hate it and would have made a huge and financially crippling mistake but I've decided life is too short to be this unhappy so I have to try.

I have decided to look at things in a more temporary light and view the move back as maybe a 5-10 year plan, after which we might well want something else. Our priorities changed when my son was born in Oz. We need different things now to when we were childless and no doubt we'll want different things when our kids are older but right now - we need our families and that means living in the UK; at least for a while.

We are lucky in that we have those magical little blue paspports (not the easiest thing in the world to get mind you) so the path is always open to come back - money allowing - but even if I didn't have them, I don't think I could hang on for that long 'just in case' I wanted to come back. That's a long time in your children's life and while it's undeniably the most sensible option, it is really worth making yourself so miserable for? My husband pointed out the other day that my little boy sees me crying all the time and I finally realised this is all arse-about-face! We came here so that our children could have a better life but if they have no family and unhappy parents, it's actually likely to be pretty awful for them. I truly feel that what my little boy really needs is love and happiness (more than sunshine, lifestyle and money) and he's not getting enough of either while we are so isolated.

Perhaps you would feel better if you looked at other options abroad and saw a stint in the UK as a more temporary option? Life is so global now that nothing has to be permanent anymore - the world's your oyster and you have already proved to yourself that you can take advantage of that. At least in my experience, that makes it seem less daunting.

x

Karamia,

I have so many people saying to me, don't come back it's terrible things have gone downhill, etc,etc. My uncle said to me that he was proud, that I had got out and he should have done it years ago, etc, etc.

My father and his brothers did move to the UK 45 years ago and though it was difficult they had each other and then us as kids had cousins, aunts and uncles. I have my wife here and that's it. It's tough for me but I think it's a lot tougher for her as she came from a lot larger family.

Last time I went home my family and friends asked where I liked it better. My answer and one I believe is everywhere has advantages and disadvantages. The US had the advantage of career, the UK family.

Sometimes, my wife cries because she feels alone, though she doesn't say it to me and I do feel responsible for that. I try and comfort her, but I know that I'm not really fixing anything. Although most of her family is in India, she does have an Aunt, Uncle and cousins in the UK, so that would help.

But never a truer sentence was spoken than....

But it is difficult for those who aren't in our situation to truly "get it".

Dave, I can totally empathise with you. UK=family and home, US=good career and only getting better. I have sooo many opportunities in the US and my prospects are great. HOWEVER, I really miss the UK and all it means to me. As I get older (40 in two months, UGH), I realise that a good career isn't the same as family. It just isn't. On my death bed, I am not going to wish I had worked harder....

Thanks for the comments.

Funnily I just spoke to a friend of mine here who said the same thing, why not try somewhere else. He's originally from Italy but has lived in Ireland, Holland, Australia and now the US. At the moment I can't face the thought of moving to another country and living on a visa again.

But I have to think that maybe some other country would allow me to bring my parents over, this wouldn't be possible in the US.

As a bachelor I didn't care too much about anything and it was all an adventure. But now when I look into my wife's eyes I know have to think about the future and when she does cry, I feel like it is my fault..

Simongb,

Funny how it's the same thing with me. If I lost my job tomorrow in the US by the afternoon I would have another one.

Also I turned 35 this year and I know I'm not as career driven as I was 3 years ago. My life has changed in a good way by getting married, but now my views and priorities have also changed.

My father always says to me, think what you'll be thinking about on your death bed, and you are so right it won't be me wishing I had worked harder.

I'm beginning to think that I will go home at some point but the thing is when. I think that I'm going to try and enjoy my time here, save when and where I can and then look out for work opportunities at home. That's the rational thing to do, but my heart isn't rational..

Dave, emotions aren't rational. That's what makes life an adventure. If nobody ever took a chance, where would society be. We would never have gone into space etc....I am telling you this, but I need to hear it too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on here, you have made me think about this issue again. Simon.

Not an easy decision to make. You may well be approaching a phase in your life when the U.K. is the right place for you to be. However, that phase won't be for ever and at a later point you might well want to go back to the U.S.

That's where abandoning your green cards might ("might" - not necessarily "would") be something to regret.

Presumably you're aware that once you get U.S. citizenship you can (under current law) sponsor your parents to immigrate to the U.S., but of course healthcare costs would be a major challenge for them. Plus, they would be leaving their own network of friends and family. So unless your parents are fairly independent of spirit, them moving to the U.S. is not the solution. As for elsewhere, you could look at Canada but by the time your parents would be able to migrate to follow you then it would be many years down the line anyway. And if you want to be able to visit to family easily, then moving to Australia or New Zealand is unlikely to be the right choice for you.

If being in the U.S. is the better option for you in career/financial terms and you want to keep your options open for the future, is there any option to get more leave from your employer, even on an unpaid leave basis? This would allow you to spend more time on vacation visiting the U.K.

Alternatively, is it possible for your parents (and maybe your wife's) to visit you in the United States more frequently? (could you offer to pay the air fare)?

This probably isn't what you want to do long term but if you settle on a plan to stay long enough in the U.S. to get your citizenship, it might be something to consider as a way to minimize the effect of separation from your family. Once you have your U.S. citizenship (you can apply 4 years & 9 months after getting your GC) then you could then make the decision to move back for an indefinite period if that was what you still wanted to do.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Well said mate!!!

I felt the exact same way the other day and have done on many occasions prior to and have only been way for 5 months!

hang in there mate and remember, EVERY decision you make will be the right decision for you.

All the Best

Hello Jaj,

I think that abandoning the Green cards is the hardest thing. I've looked into the situation with sponsoring parents, however, you have to be a citizen and of course theirs the healthcare costs to consider. At the earliest that would be when they are turning 68 years old. I'm not sure that them making such a big move at that time of life would be the best thing.

When I first considered the move out here, my thought would be that they would be visiting me at least once a year. The reality is that they've only been out once in that entire time. I have asked them to come out to visit more often but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out. Especially as they like to go to India fairly often.

One thing I have always thought about is where I would like to retire, and to be honest at the moment I can't see that being anywhere else but the UK. Retiring in the US, doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

I've asked my employer about unpaid leave, and the answer was that they were thinking about cutting back on the regular holidays I have, let alone getting unpaid leave.

It's a difficult thing and as you allude too, having the option to come back would be great, but at the moment to do that would take approximately 6 years, say 4 years 9 months to apply, then say a year or so for processing and then I think that there is some requirement for about 6 months stay after you have your passport.

Whether I would ever exercise the option to come back is the problem entirely.

From what I understand with the GC I can take a 6 month break fairly easily and anything longer than that makes things difficult. I would definitely look into that and 'test the waters' before making the decision to abandon the GC.

I don't think that I'll be moving or anything in 08 but I need to think about the options for 09.

Simon, looks like we're in a similar boat. Sometimes I do feel that I should never have come out to the States, as then I would have just been getting on with life, at the moment it does seem like everything is on hold. I'm flying home for a break next week and all I can think of is giving everyone a hug and saying how I feel.

I know my Dad and Mum, will just say son do whatever makes you happy.

Thanks for the words, I've been here over three years now. The first few months were tough just getting used to things. Then I had a year where it was really good, and now for the last year it's been homesickness.

Give it a little bit of time. Then at least you'll know that you've given it a go. If you really know it's not for you, don't waste time and find what is right.

That's easier said than done, look at my posts!!!

I can relate to many of the points you and others have made in this thread. For me though this quote stirred something up in me. When we moved out here to the U.S. in 2004 we truly believed that we would have relatives and friends visiting all the time and enjoying the experiences we could offer to them. I even had spare bedrooms ready and would not buy a house that did not have enough bedrooms and bathrooms or a car that would not seat less than 7! I planned for my Mother to come and stay with us during the winter months each year 3-6 months and I planned to go back every year too for extended visits. The reality has been very different. In the time we have been here my Mother has passed away and only one relative, my niece has visited. We have only managed to get back to the UK twice, both for sad ocassions and one of the times I was 18 weeks pregnant and the travelling and stress caused me to go into labour at 20 weeks. You and your wife being from Indian families, I know how close Indian families are and I feel your pull. It can not be easy for you as it is so important for you to appear happy and successful too. Moving back to the UK would not be a failure though, it's just another choice that you are faced with on life's path. My family and friends used to say things like 'you're so lucky with your life out there, I wouldn't look back' and 'wish i had done that when I was younger', but now we have told them that we have finished with this phase and are ready for the next chapter to open in the UK they are very happy and can't wait to have us back in their lives on a daily basis.

We have had a fantastic time in many ways and will miss the USA very much, more so once we are home no doubt (greener grass syndrome)! I do try to think ahead and learn from mine and others experiences and I know that as soon as we have our citizenships we will be getting back to the UK to spend some more of the valuable years of our lives there - we're simply not done with the UK but when we are older perhaps we will (or our children will) want to try the USA again, even if it's just to escape the harsh British winters during retirement. We too struggled for our green cards and can not bring ourselves to walk away from our rights but if I were you at the beginning of the journey, honestly, I would feel very trapped having so many years to wait for cit.ship and I know my husband would not wait that long. We have about a 2 year wait to our U.S. Passports and he's just about okay with that. I feel for you and I understand how hard it is. I know my husband would relate to you too. He has not enjoyed working in the U.S. at all - it's not how he thought it would be, he get's paid well but the 'worklife' is of a lower quality. He e-mails, talks and texes with UK collegues and old work friends and they have advanced up the career ladder as he would have done had we remained. They ask him to come back and join them and now he wants to go back and work in London where he can enjoy work again and make his way back up the ladder in ways he can't here. It's a good thing that you are cultivating friendships with the UK side of your company but I'm sure it is a concern that no-one realises your motives too. I'm sure once you have made a decision and have a time-line you will find recruiters are more willing to take you seriously, rather than just someone making general enquiries.
Sending a cyber (((hug))) to your wife - I totally understand. If she wants to log on and talk, there are a lot of women (and men), in this part of the forum that understand how lonely immigration can be.
Please let us know how you get on.