Mandy is Blue

Hi,

I came to the United States from Europe to be with my fiance about 4.5 months ago. I have a lot of trouble adjusting to the new environment.

Since I've come here I haven't been able to make ANY friends. The few people that I've met here were very reserved and kept to themselves and their bussiness. Due to not going to school or work I cannot find an opportunity to socialize. Guys are only interested in you if you are single.
The weather is always bad (northeast) which prevents me to get involved in any kind of outdoors activity...

Me and my husband are both new in the area so we don't know anybody really. I spend my days home alone while my husband is @ work all the time. I go shopping alone, do pretty much everything alone.
I am not used to this because before I came here I had a very active life as a college student and I was involved in many family&friends activities. Now it is just me and my husband (in the evenings) and nobody else to turn to aside from chatting to my old friends&family via internet.

I am getting fed up with this place and don't know what to do. TV programmes and mags are shallow and 99% entertainment-biz-ads oriented OR deal with war related topics. No cultural events except for football, movies and the mall. Plus I disagree with politics...

I don't mean to criticize as this is not HOW I am normally. I think the feeling of isolation has gotten to my head.

I have been looking for a job in my field but no luck so far...
I am afraid that my frustration are starting to affect my state of mind and our relationship. I resent my husband for bringing me here sometimes and sometimes I just want to go home. He knows how I feel but doesn't know what to do to help me. I love him so much, but the many negativities have a big impact on our everyday functioning as a couple. It's like not having a life sometimes.
He is tied to his new job so we can't move to a better place.....................

I am not sure why I am posting this - I am just desperate. Does this ever change??

cindyabs

Sure it does and it will IF you let it. The weather in the Northeast will change but probably the quality of the tv won't. BUT what about going to a gym? What about volunteering somewhere (sometimes great way to network). Have you looked in the newspaper to see what there is on offer acitivity wise? Is there a welcome wagon or newcomer's greeting group? Religious affiliation of any importance to you? You are not unique. We have that here in the US when we move from one section of the country to another. We have it here when we move overseas (I remember my first winter in Germany wondering if I would ever see the sun again). It's culture shock pure and simple and you can acclimate. Please remember one thing, yes your husband brought you here, but he didn't bring you here hogtied.........Best wishes and get busy, somehow, someway,

trasmus

Hi Mandy,


My husband had the same problem as you when he first got to Texas from Europe. He couldn't get adjusted the first year, but eventually, he is coming to love being in the U.S. The first couple of years here, he went back home frequently, because he missed the beauty and culture of his home country, but I suggested that he try and find the beauty of this country and try to remember why he came here to begin with. I know you miss being home, but remember that you can always go back to visit and it will be an experience for both of you to share together when you do. Please give it some time and in the meanwhile, try to find some things in this country that may interest you and perhaps find enjoyable. Like, you can find a support group or organization for people from your country. It helps sometimes to be in contact with other immigrants from your home country. I hope this helps, hang in there!

T. R.

ScottHenshaw

Where from Europe did you come from? What part of the Northeast are you living in? Dont depair, I am sure that you will come to find that America is both diverse and affords many wonderful things. Remember that your husband is also supposed to be your best friend, maybe you need to remind him of that. You should not be alone, or feeling alone. Cindyabs is right on the money, get out an enjoy life, meet people through culutral centers, churches, etc. Hiking, mountain bike riding, horse shoe tossing, (You did say Northeast didn't you), many many things to do. Live, enjoy life, dont watch television or get involved with politics. If your husband is not there for you find out why and make changes. Life is good here and I am sure that you will find the many blessings that our the US affords.

Both Nanette and I, as probably many people in this forum are very, "Interested" in being your friends. Hang in there...

Scott Henshaw
www.frontier-trading.com/nanette.htm

Ranjini

Not the best time of year to move to your part of the world... short daylight hours can be the pits.... but the days ARE getting longer. Hang in there. There will be lots you can do outdoors when it gets warmer. I have my garden and this year Ken is going to teach me how to fish....
Moving away from friends and family is going to be hard to deal with. Until you find a job, start a family etc. I certainly don't see it getting better, unless you find ways to take your mind off being lonely for now...
I've been there, so I know... It takes time. That much I know. It's been four years and I still have those moments when I think, what am I even doing so far away from home...

David Brown

go to college?

Elenfair

Awww... I'm sorry Mandy.

You know, one thing you could do that would help would be to become a volunteer at a local hospital. You'll feel good about making a difference, and you will also meet other volunteers and make friends.

You can also volunteer at a museum, same concept - I find this is a good way to meet nice folk who will be HAPPY to help you adjust to your new home.

Hang in there.

Elly

Rete

Perfect time of the year in the NE if you are sports oriented and like skiing, skating, sledding, snowboarding, etc. The air is cold and crisp and invigorating. I am assuming your husband and you have applied for your adjustment of status so you can work legally. Why does it have to be in your field of endeavor? Why not branch out and learn a new trade. Or take a job as a hostess or waitress for a few months to get to know people and get out of the house. What about helping teach adults to read and speak English or your native language. Or volunteer in a hospital, hospice or senior home. If you are alone it is because you have put you in that position. Reach out to others. That is the quickest way to not only meet others but to feel that your life has some purpose.

Join classes at a community center or college. They can be fun classes not necessarily educational.

If you like animals volunteer at the local pound. Invite a few neighbors in for a get together one evening. Have your husband invite one or two of his co-workers to your place with their significant others or spouses. Offer to help an elderly person with their grocery shopping. Go to the local pub together one evening for a beer. Talk to other people at the bar. Have coffee at the same little neighborhood restaurant in the mornings and talk to the people at the counter and who are serving you. You be the first to break the ice by say hello and asking how are you today.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to people. If you are waiting on line, talk to the person in front of you or behind you. Smile at people you pass. Everyone fears rejection. But a smile shatters that fear and a smile is usually returned.

BTW the NE is a beautiful part of the country. It has four season and I grant you that we are having one hell of a long winter season. But spring will arrive soon. Make the rebirth of the earth a rebirth of yourself. You are in a new country where you are not known. Be whatever you want to be and have fun doing it.

Rete

Ranjini

This really works.... Going to the store used to be my favourite pastime!! I was amazed at how friendly people can be, if you just smile as you pass them with an "excuse me".....

bobzy

You very kindly posted to help out some of us USC sponsors who are thinking ahead about the same issues. My fiance seems to think that she will enjoy a forced vacation from working, but I know her well enough to know better. Make a list of your favorite suggestions above and post them so that people like me can learn from you.

Pallyn

I am just going to chime in to reiterate the idea about gardening. Ours are community gardens on abandoned city lots, so it is definitely social. It can also help the one without the work permit contribute to the household, if you get way into it. Last but not least, it is a way to celebrate the fact that seasons always turn round. Everyone in the Northeast needs that reminder this year.

drvics

Just some thoughts...

1. You mentioned "Plus I disagree with politics..." Did you mean the whole subject of politics or the political tendencies of the culture? If it's the latter, I suggest you get involved in grassroots politics. You can become active on behalf of your favorite cause, meet many passionte people of like minds and really make a difference in improving American culture (we sure need it).

2. The weather... as you probably know constant cloudy/rainy weather can cause depression, even severe in some people. Can you even contemplate a future move? Even just thinking that it might be a possibility in the future can help. I know your husband is "tied" to his job. But is he really? Forever? Regardless of how much a move could help you. I know it may seem like criticism but unfortunately many of us Americans are "polygamists"-- we are married to our spouses AND to our jobs.

One thing's for certain: You've already got a lot of friends and support here!
Best,
VCH.

Special 40k

My fiance has not yet received her k1 visa, but we have already tried to
cover this topic at least on paper. Her attitude is that having a new
husband and making him happy(and vice versa) is the highest priority. Like
someone said earlier, couple should be best friends and should be looking
forward to spending time together.

As a U.S. citizen, I feel it is my responsibility to listen carefully and
make every effort to get her to meet others via activities (such as church,
volunteer, etc as suggested in the earlier posts). I would enjoy doing it
WITH her instead of "sending her out" to the clubs/organizations as long as
we both enjoy doing it.

K

ScarlettHill

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear things feel so black at the moment.
I've been here for 3 months exactly today. I'm lucky in that my husband has a wide circle of lovely caring friends and having children I HAVE to get out and about so in a lot of ways it's easier for me. But I do understand how you're feeling. When my first husband died I thought the lights would never come on again and that colored everything. And though that might sound like a mad comparison there are some similarities in that you are experiencing a sense of helplessness and loss of your old home/culture and I thought some of the things I tried back then might help.

Feeling down makes you feel like not doing the very things that could make you feel better so a bit of forcing yourself is sometimes in order. Knowing my kids needed me was what did it for me. I hope knowing your new husband can do it for you. Knowing you want to make it work. I forced myself to go to a gym and swim regularly. Hated every moment cos I'm not the type BUT it did something for my energy levels and I felt better afterwards so persevered. It was that or prozac! My doc offered it to me and that scared me into sorting myself out. I binned the prescription and went down the health food shop to see if they had any better suggestions - that was where the exercise came in. Also, I treated myself to sunbeds, not to get brown but again because - especially in the long winter months - it can feel like a little bit of sunshine and make you feel better. I went for a walk outside every day even when it was cold. Looked at trees and grass. I didn't feel like doing a single one of those things at the start. Mainly I wanted to lie under my duvet forever. . But after a while things definitely began to change. And as my depression slowly began to lift I realised some of the things I had been seeing as black weren't really black at all. They had just been coloured that way by sadness.

I'm not going to tell you you should just be glad you're together and think of all the people still waiting. That's like telling a kid to eat their artichokes because people are starving in Africa. It's hard when things look bleak. And it's not going to get easier overnight. But some of the things suggested by so many people here might help. They might help even if you don't feel like they will and even if you don't feel you have the energy to try.

My advice - pick a couple of the suggestions in this thread, even if you think they're not going to work, and give them a few weeks of effort. Even if it's just to be able to reply in a few weeks to tell us how useless our suggestions were. It'll be a help to Bobzy if nothing else. And you have nothing to lose!

You took an incredibly courageous step coming all this way to be with your husband. So I know that despite how you're feeling you're a woman of strength. It's time to take another step - and everybody here is rooting for you.

Stay in touch. I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs
-=-
Scarlett

Jadm

my UK husband went thru the same thing Mandy, feel free to email us at
[email protected] and put "google" in the subject window...
INS kept him from working for 8 months and it was very stressfull on
him, we lived in the northeast also so we know how loooong those
winters can seem!
he has now been here 2 yrs from the UK.
he shopped online, chatted to people on the internet, would keep the
car while i worked so he could get out..i introduced him to as many
people as possible and would at least get him "out of the house" after
coming home from work evenings at least for a drive.
it does* get better and springs just around the corner!
Deb & John
USA~UK