karni31

Have read so many of the threads posted here and see so much unhappiness and homesickness...

I can totally relate to so many of the comments posted here, feeling torn between giving it a go here ('living the dream'??) or giving it to the overbearing feeling that I just cannot stay here for the rest of my life...

I have only been here four months. I was here previously on a years working holiday and loved it. Spent the next year and a half waiting for my visa and was looking forward to coming back here with my Australian fiance. I did have my doubts about Oz and living here 'for good' but felt I would always have regrets if I didnt at least try it. My fiance made it clear from the start that he did not want to live in the UK so I knew our only chance together was to come here.

I knew it would be hard to say my good-byes and it was but I never expected the dull ache I feel now I am actually here. Yes, the boredom aspect has been mentioned a lot on these threads and I understand that, the lack of variety...beach, bush and more beach, yes the feeling of not fitting in..the feeling of isolation geographically..the expense of airfares for trips home...the lack of seasons...yes the manky cheap clothing stores...
but overall I feel that I am grieving for my family who I miss more than anything.

I have travelled a lot before, lived away from home and thought I would be ok with this..but knowing I will only see them for a few weeks every few years breaks my heart..feeling I will gradually fall out of their lives...To make matters worse, my fiances mother, whom I was hoping to have a close relationship with given she will be the only family I will have, has treated me with disdain and has given my fiance basically the ultimatum that he will have to choose between myself and her..all very unpleasant and makes our whole situation more isolated..

Perhaps I am just having the normal feelings that everyone has when they go through this experience but I cant seem to shift it. What makes things worse is that my fiance refuses to go back to the UK to live (he lived there for 10 years and feels he has had enough of it). I totally understand that, this is his country..but unfortunately it looks like we will have to end our relationship. If I had know this is where it would all end I would never had started a relationship with an Australian guy.

All depressing stuff..I do think perhaps I should give it more of a go here for the sake of our relationship....my partner and I both want kids..and soon as I am not getting any younger...but I have read so many threads where things go wrong and the kids are caught in the middle of a big mess...I know the reality for me is that if my partner and I split up he would not let me take the kids out of Australia...would all be an even bigger prison sentence for me..

I guess what I am asking (if anyone is still reading this..sorry for rattling on!)...has anyone else been through this with an Australian partner..staying here for their sake..maybe things got better..or maybe they would advise me to get out now before it gets even messier...I dont know..maybe I am looking for answers from this forum that only I can answer myself...

If anyone has any advice..would love to hear from you...

Thanks
xx

Elvira

Sorry you are feeling this way. I can't help, I'm afraid, except for one piece of advice: whatever you do, do not let your biological clock run away with you. Once you have kids, you'd be stuck in Australia, and it would turn into a prison.

karni31

Elvira..

Thanks for getting back to me and thanks for the words of advice...has this happened to you? Are you still in Australia but planning to go home?

The good old biological clock is a big problem for me at the minute (am 33)..

Elvira

No, but I am a WOW*, and I have come across too many such stories. It is invariably heartbreaking. No man is worth that risk.

And I'm in California



[* Wise Old Woman )

karni31

Are you unsettled in California then??..at least isnt quite as far to fly home as it is in Oz.

WOW...feel the old bit alright...not so sure about wise...feel like a bit of a fool and a big old failure to rock back to the UK after only being out here 4 months..but yeah you are right..there are just too many sad stories on here about partners not wanting to leave, kids messed about..all the rest...

sometimes wish hadnt discovered this site!! my partner thinks it is full of depressives...he cant understand why anyone wouldnt give their right arm to be in Oz...zzz

TraceyW

That's a typical Australian persons attitude; "Australia is the best bloody country in the world mate!" and yet most of them have never stepped foot out of it! At least your bloke has travelled to europe!

Look, if I were in your situation, I would give it a few more months just to see if you do manage to settle down here. I'm not talking 12 or 18 months, just maybe a few more and try your best at getting out and about, going to work, socialising etc. Try your best to live the 'whole' thing that is Oz. if it's still not working here for you after you've done all of that, well, you may well have to walk away from this place. If your chap won't go with you, which it sounds like he won't, well, you'll just have to be very brave about that and acknowledge that you both want different things in life. Then it'll be time to get on with yours back home.

Whatever you do, listen to Elvira, DO NOT have a baby here with your fiance, you will be trapped here for eternity.

Good luck to you xx

karni31

Thanks a million for the advice Tracy...I totally agree about the baby situation..would be a life sentence...

I see you have been a member since 2003...but am guessing if u are on this site life isnt a bed of roses..

What has your experience been of Oz so far?..

And yeah..typical aussie attitude....when I came through customs at the airport the official said 'welcome to the best country in the world'..it made me chuckle...they cant seem to accept any negative comments at all..and like u say half of them havent been out of Oz...then theres the other half who are over in Europe on Contiki tours or drinking in the Walkabout in London..

I shouldnt winge I know....I come from Ireland and while I love my country I am more than capable of putting my hand up and admitting its problems..

TraceyW

Yes you see that's the difference between Aussies and us Brits. We know the UK has major problems and we will moan about the place until the cows come home, and we would never say it was the best place on earth to live. But Aussies, crikey, do they go overboard about how wonderful this place is and yet they most likely have no experience of any other country!! It drives me nuts! It's such a blinkered argument isn't it?

As for my situation, we've been here for 3 years and I'm at uni until 2008. Then I'm free!!!

I don't hate this place really. I don't like it very much but I don't hate it. It's not Beiruit is it, or war poverty sticken Africa? It's just I don't belong here. But I have the added complication of a husband who loves Australia (not Perth) and two kids that cannot remember the UK! All very complicated.

karni31

Tracy..it sounds very complicated...

Are all parties willing to head back to the UK in 2008 then?

I dont hate Australia either...there are definetely worse places to live..is crazy..spent time here before and loved it..but then again was only for a short time...wish I had just left it alone after that and had happy memories of here..

My fiance thinks we will have a better lifestyle here than in UK but I just dont see it..we work as long hours as we did back home, the commute is just as long, when we eventually would buy a house we could only afford a house way out of town (even longer commute)...like anywhere in the world you can have a great lifestyle if you can afford it..we cant!

He talks about Australia being a great place to bring up kids but all I can see is isolation from family support and feelings of guilt on my part that my kids and my mother/family will never have a close relationship..his family unfortunately wont be around to offer support either..and it just seems too difficult doing it all by ourselves..I dont think he understands what a huge stress this will be..we can only afford a house if we are both working..which means putting kiddies into childcare from an early age..

I am ranting again I know...but the very reason he wanted to make a life here..ie 'better place to bring up our kids'..to me seems the reason I want to go back..ie having a relationship with my family and having their support...

What age are your kids...do you miss family support back home?

TraceyW

Oh it is complicated for me!! My hubby will go home, reluctantly, and the kids are young enough to adapt. they're 7 & 5.

Yes, yes, yes I miss family support. My in-laws were fab with the kids and very hands-on. I miss having them around and being part of our family. They are one of the major reasons I want to go home. I want my children to have a proper relationship with them, not one over the phone!

karni31

You are dead right..

Am glad your hubby is willing to go back...think this whole experience puts such a strain on relationships...I'd be back home tomorrow if it wasnt for my partner..

You are lucky also that your kids are young and will adapt..am sure it has been a great adventure for them..

Serenity

First, it's early days yet and making a life away from support will change you. You will become more self-sufficient and independent and more able to cope... BUT... part of you will probably be missing, a softer part. When I lived in the US (with my US hubs) I missed that softer part of me. It was as if hardening my heart to being away from my friends and family hardened it all around.

Second, imagine your future with your bloke. While hubs and I were going through the visa process we discussed lots of things, one of them was that if I didn't think I could live in the US he would come to the UK, and if he couldn't live in the UK we would find somewhere else. As it happens I could live in the US, but live happier in the UK, and hubs is quite fond of the UK now and also... making me happy makes him happy.

Now only you know your bloke and only you know yourself. Could he ever move? Could you settle and not be resentful? Do you want to be with someone who could never move for you? I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but you moved for him and will you be happy that that sacrifice would always be yours? Is he enough to sustain you even if where you're living isn't suited to you?

Canuck Fan

I've been in a 2 year relationship with my Canadian boyfriend so I think I have relevant grounds to comment.

Personally, I would cut your ties now. I detect from what you say that you sway majoritively towards the UK and your family, in which case I wouldn't even be thinking of staying in Oz let alone having children. Im in exactly the same position, the difference is I guess i've considered all aspects in advance. At least he's been totally upfront with you so ultimately it is your decision. Sorry if this isn't the words of wisdom maybe you were hoping for but I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

karni31

Thanks for the honest response...

Are you based in Canada then? How are things going?

I really did think it all through in advance...my family and friends were sick of listening to me going on 'will I, wont I' before I came over here...but I felt I would always regret it if I didnt give it a go at least...we havent had the best start here and things havent gone so well so this hasnt helped...

thanks again for the reply...and hope things are going ok for you (though if you are looking on this 'going back to UK' page then maybe not so good..

LouiseD

No matter how well things are thought through beforehand, you never know how you are going to feel until you are in that situation.

If I were you, I would maybe stay a bit longer just to be sure - put a time limit on it if it helps - say by Christmas if you don't feel any better, come home.

I totally agree though that you shouldn't even consider children for many years yet, feeling the way that you do as it will only add to your stresses.

Good luck - I do hope that things work out for you